Well fuckadoodledo

In March 2011, due to lack of funding, I lost my job. My mother, fortunately, allowed me to move back home with her. In August of the same year, I managed to get myself a part time job, in a college for adult SLD students. It was an amazing job and I loved it. As time went on I realised that one of the directors took a dislike to me (other colleagues pointed this out as well) and as time went on the job became tricky as everything I did was wrong in her eyes, and I was brought up to her office over the smallest of things. My colleagues rallied around me to support me and I appreciated that.

Went the two current managers started my place of work just got worse. I was intimidated and humiliated in front of other staff members. Again there were colleagues that support me during this. 

In May of last year I attempted to take my own life and failed. Someone I classed as a friend (Z) cornered me at work. She said she could tell that something was wrong. I broke down and told her about my attempt. Nothing more was said. A month or so later I hurt myself. Again she cornered me and I told her what I had done. Jump forward 6 months (give or take) and she watched me talk to another friend (L) about a problem I was have. L was a better person to talk to about the sort of problem I was having. Z, I assume, got jealous about this and went to the management team and told them that over the past 6 months I had attempted suicide no less that 5 times and that I had been hurting myself nearly every week since.

This was not the case, but management hauled me upstairs. They made me feel like a criminal, they spoke to me with distain and disgust and were condensing. once of them even saying 'I don't think you know how to be happy and I pity you for it'. The next day I was suspended for two weeks. Once I returned to work I was forced to work in an office by myself with no contact with staff or students as just get one with some work for the full 8 hours I was there. Even during the lunch break I was not allowed contact with staff or student!

Shortly after that I went of sick as the doctors said I was unfit for work.

Thus the Bipolar II diagnosis was given and treatment started. 

Spot on three months having gone off sick I was called into work to a mandatory meeting about returning to work. I wasn't near read for this. But we chatted. Two days latter I received a letter that said they were considering terminating my contract. Which caused me a lot of stress and really did not help my recovery. Every couple of weeks or so I was called in to discuss my future at that place of work. I asked them to get a report of my pdoc to say that I was able to return to work, and explain that I was doing well with my recovery.. so on and so forth. The look on their faces were priceless. So I went away feeling quite pleased with myself because I was, for the first time ever, fighting back.

During this time I very close friend (D) talked me into applying for a number of jobs including a job where she works. She could see I was ready to return to work, but also knew that the thought of going back to my current place of work was completely stressing me out and making me anxious. So I applied for five jobs and got five job offers. This week I took the job with D as she knows me and my full history and where she works have some others with Bipolar so they already have things in place.

Today I got to go to my current place of work and hand in my resignation. 

I honest thought I would be on cloud nine, happy as anything now that I am away from one of the most toxic places I have ever worked. That is not the case. I am struggling. I feel dead inside. I made the right choice. I am happy and content with my choice. D and I make an awesome team and I can't wait to start working with her. Yes, I am nervous about starting a new job (and yet another new career) but I am very confident about my choice and do not regret it at all.

So why do I feel so down. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there forever and a day. I want to fall asleep and just stay in the world with Morpheus for as long as possible. I do not want to die, just sleep. I don't want to have to get up and pretend that everything is okay. I should be celebrating my decision and it's outcome. Instead I just feel like ****. Things can only get better from here. I don't want to feel like this!

Everything is awesome!!!!

Everything is awesome

Everything is cool when you're part of a team

Everything is awesome

When we're living our dream

Lego:The Movie

So I got offered a new job today.  This is going to be really good for me.  My current place of work is a poisonous place, back stabbing, destroying self confidence, where you need to watch your back constantly because someone is looking to destroy it.  

I've now been off work for 6 months due to my mental health issues.  They have no been supportive.  They have made me feel like a criminal, like I am pointless and worthless.   Just at the interview for my new job they made me feel as though my Bipolar is not an issue and they are going to put stuff into place for when I get ill.  To ensure that I can always do the best job that I can.  It's brilliant.  

Tomorrow I have to contact my current place of work to make a meeting so I can discuss my leaving date.  I'm going to totally enjoy that meeting and to shove it in their face that I am going on to better things.

I am going into a job that offer proper transferable training, Proper benefits such as sick pay, pension etc.  Really support for learning the job and dealing with the job including if I become ill.

This is an amazing day, can't wait until tomorrow!

And the fight goes on!

So it's been a while and it's not been easy. In some ways I do feel better but I still get frustrated but how my moods change. I still get depressed and I still get manic. It's not as extreme as it was but the changes in mood are still there.

I have been volunteering at the local library to see if I am ready to get back to work. The idea being that working in a job that does not have any pressure is a good way of seeing if I can cope with being back at work. When I work at the library I have to put on that positive, life is amazing face. It exhausts me. So I am not socialising much. I have barely talked to anyone outside of work or my family. I have cut everybody off. I know that I am not ready to go back to work but financial I have to go back over the next month. Money is getting really tough. I have cut down on everything but I still don't make ends meet  completely. SSP sucks. My next job will have proper benefits and training. If I have an episode like this again I have to know that I won't have the stress of mony on top of everything else. I also know when I finally go back to work (if they don't dismiss me) I have to face all the rumors that have been floating around and all the lies my 'friend' has been telling people. I know what she has said because I have had people texting me to find out what is going on and if what she says is true. I have not replied since it's non of their buisness. However, apart from those texts only 1 person has text me and met up with me, and 1 other who has sent 1 text to say they missed me but didn't ask about the rumors being spread. This leads me to believe that this person does care but I am weary of everyone in that place baring the 1 person who has been meeting me.   Work is going to be awful. I am looking for other work but it's hard in education right now as it's mid scholastic year. June/July is when jobs appear.

I don't see things getting better anytime soon. I just want to pack a bag and just leave. Everything just sucks.

I did a rotton thing the other week. I was feeling really horny and I allowed someone, who I know has a thing for me, believe we were going to try out relationship again. We ended up sexting. I felt awful afterwoods because I know that I would never go for a relationship with him. I didn't first time round and certainly not now. I was veing unfair and did tell him that.

I know I can't help having bipolar, it's as part of me as my grey streak is. But I hate it. I hate how it rules my life. The time to have the medication, having to watch my moods, being cautious all the time about what I say and what I do and most of all the way I have been betrayed my supposed 'friends' over all this. It has cost me much and it doesn't give anything on return. There is no pay off. At least with my dyslexia I have to think outside the box and come up with creative solution to issues and have been told my lessons are imaginative and fun and the students learn a lot from them. But with bipolar there is nothing positive about it. It screws with every part of my life. I can only try and enjoy the 'calm' moments I my life, which are few and far between.  I wish I didn't have this awful disorder but I do.