Bingo

Settle down for a moment cause your heart is beating hard

Baby you've been my lover, and I told you from the start

Better no promises, and I'll do you no harm

But you're keen on the question I tell you not to pop

But maybe it's been a hurting, it's been hurting from the start

Do you not coping then tear it apart

Never wanted it this way

Oh baby I'm dying I'm crying over it

Maybe you feel it to, oh baby I'm blue

Soulweaper pt 2: Volbeat

During August I spent very little time in my own house or my own bed.

It's been quite something.

I have never experienced anything like this, and I'm not just talking about the sex (and a lot of it).  We spend time together and it's so comfortable it's like we've always just been.  I struggle with change, always have done.  Even the littlest, like buying a new pair of Dr. Martins, or changing my washing powder.  It's really hard to do, then the big things happen.  Staying at people's houses is one of those things.  I have a friend whom I stay with at least once a year as my holiday. I have done this for nearly a decade and it's only in the past three years that I have finally got comfortable with this.

With my man, G, it's different.  I never went through that freak out at staying at his.  I've only had minor freak-outs when I over think everything.  If I can get my head to shut up I am totally comfortable with him and the whole idea of us.

From the start G said that this would not be a long term thing as he didn't want a long term relationship or a long distance relationship.  On our last night together, he admitted that he didn't want things to end and that, although he still wasn't hooked on the idea of a long distance relationship, he wanted to see where we might end up.

So this is what we're doing.  We are giving things ago.  We talk a lot when we can both get online together.  I drove up to him for a night just the other week because I missed him.  I have never missed anyone as I missed him.  And it really wasn't the sex.  I just missed talking to him, being in each other's arms as we watched a film, the teasing, playing board games together... just the little things.  I really missed them.

Throughout August we were basically living together.  Mostly we were at his cos he has a double bed, I still have my single.  For a week we were at mine.  But the only nights we spent apart were the nights I was away for work.  I think it totalled 9 nights in 5 weeks.  In the last week whilst at mine he was meant to be looking for a place to live, but never did.  He waited until we parted ways and he went to his parents, only then did he start looking for a place to live and started making plans for his move and new job.  T

That last week was amazing though.  I manged to have a week of no learners and providing it looked like I was working I got away with it.  So we had a few days out, played lots of new games that we bought, lots of sex and watching films... just normal every day stuff.

The first night without him was so much harder than I thought.  That's when I realised I was beginning have have real feelings.  I'm not sure this is a good idea because we both are not sure a long distance relationships is what we want.  Yet here we are, in a long distance relationship.  I'm going to get my heartbroken, I'm sure of it. Yet I don't want to walk away from this.

He didn't break my barriers, they are still there.  He just walked through them all as if they were not there.  This confuses the hell out me anyway, and yet I don't often freak out.  I get the feeling that this isn't a good idea, I have moments where I know I'm feeling stuff and I try and force these feelings away.  I don't want to ruin what we have, it's too much fun.

Neither of us are particularly goo, but our resent time together we have had some goo moments.  It's nice.

Oh god, don't let it destroy me when my heart breaks... please.

Week 1

For longer than I can put my finger on I have always had horrible mood swings.  Either I am hyper active or I am depressed.  When I am hyper active I would spend too much money and get into debt, I would go out and be overly social and meet lots of people, join lots of groups and volunteer for things.  I could do my household chores but not nescessarily in one go.  I would put a wash on then start on the washing up, get half way through that and decide that my bedroom would need cleaning, then part way through decide I needed to sort out my kitchen cupboards and so on and do forth.  It would take a long time for me to complete any job I completed, and I am talking a days not hours.  I wouldn't really sleep, may a few hours every few days.  People liked me when I was like this, I was happy and a joy to be around.  Although, as I got more hyper people would ask if I was on something, or if they could take what I was on because I just didn't stop, ever!  I would also get cranky and become very sarcastic and people would struggle with that, but I never saw an issues I would just carried on going.  When I was really hyper I would start cutting myself to bring me down a bit.

Then I would, what I termed, crash.  This is when I got into a depressed state.  I would not want to get out of bed, I would sleep all the time, I would eat very little and loose a lot of weight.  I would not socialise unless I absolutely had too, I wouldn't wash, I wouldn't do any house hold chores, I hated talking to people, I would just shut down.  I would also start cutting myself a lot to bring my mood up.  It would help me get up in the morning to go to work or do what ever job I needed to do.

I of course dealt with this in the only way I knew how, I would but myself when I could, sometimes take an overdose of painkillers and alcohol to get high, I would change jobs, I would move house, I would break of friendships and acquaintances.  I would do near enough anything other than deal with what ever was going on.

I was told I had depression, I would take antidepressants but was never convinced they would work.  I went through Cognitive Analytical Therapy (CAT) for 24 weeks and helped me a lot and for a while, although I still went up and down, I didn't hurt myself in ways.  But I still changed jobs and moved around then things got too much.

These mood swings got worse, then this year was a bad year.  I was hyper at the beginning of the year, got all my work done, was sociallising, was even a head of myself on the paper work.  Until in March/April I attempted suicide but failed.  I just ended up vomiting all night.  I was so angry and upset the next day that I was horrible to work with.  A friend cornered me and asked what was wrong, I said to them 'I shouldn't be here, I should have died' and walked off.  She watched as over the following months I withdrew from people and started to shut myself down.  She became worried, what she didn't know what that I was planning another attempt and that I was self harming.  All she knew what that I had attempted and failed a suicide attempt and that I was shutting myself down.

She got worried and told our management what she knew.  She was not wrong to do this, but I was not ready to acknowledge the place I was at.  So I was forced to.  I went through a suspension, I went to the doctor, who refereed me to the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT).  I was put on citalopram and went as high as a kite.  I was so hyper it was funny.  Then I crashed as didn't get out of bed.  So I was put on mirtazapine so that I could sleep, it has a sedative affect.  For three days I got 10 hours sleep a night.  More than I had in three months, and then I went hyper again and this was intense.  I couldn't sit still for more than 1 minute, I couldn't concentrate on any conversation more than a minute.  I would walk for three or four hours to try and burn off my energy.  Then I crashed and I wanted to die.  It was horrible.  So I was given an emergency appointment with the CMHT and was a psychiatrist and Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN).

The initial report they sent me was full of inaccuracies of the conversation we were having that I didn't believe I had been there in the room.  I honest didn't think I had been there.  It was crazy so I started to doubt this team.  Still, because I knew I had to, I carried on going to see the CPN.  She talked me through things and gave me a mood questionnaire to fill in.  It was 15 pages long but I filled it in.

The psychiatrist looked over the questionnaire, the conversations we had had, the edits to the report I had made, and with the notes my CPN had made from our sessions.  It was decided that I have Bipolar Disorder.

This is a big diagnosis and life changing. I was put on quetiapine but I had a bad reaction to that.  Although it made me very tired to the point I could barely move I could not sleep.  Then I hallucinated all night that something was licking me. It was a horrible, horrible night.  So now I am on lamotrigine which has calmed me down.  I can now sit still, I can concentrate for longer periods of time and the need to talk has decreased.  I am defiantly calmer.  My sleep has doubled from 1.5 - 2 hours a night to 3-4 hours a night, but I am more tired.  I doze during the day because I can't keep my eyes open, but I don't sleep.  I usually doze after I take my medication.  I am on 25mgs at the moment but as of Christmas Day it gets doubled to 50mgs.  I see my psychiatrist in January for a more complete conversation about what it means to Bipolar and how best to manage it. 

I don't know how soon I will return to work, if I go back full time or if I go part time or just find a new job.  I just don't know.  Right now I need to think about what I need to control my Bipolar and how to mange this condition.  It is something that will never go away, I have to learn to live with it and it scares me stupid.

It will be interesting to see what the new year brings.  

This is end of week 1 since my diagnosis and being on medication.

Well fuckadoddledo

It's official.

I have Bipolar Disorder.  This is something which is a life changing diagnosis. I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I know I've probably had this for a great many years, and it's only through being in one place for a number of year that the problem has really been highlighted and that I got forced into getting help.  Without that push I don't think I would have gotten help at this point.  It could have been another year or so, or I would have moved to get away from the problem.  Perhaps I would never have gotton help and could have successfully taken my life.  Something I have tried once this year and planned a second attempt which I never saw through.  The cutting would increase and that could have caused issues.  

I know I need to look at my life and work out what is good for me and what is bad for me.  Do I got back to work full time, do I only work part time, do I stay living on my own or do I attempt to go back into flat sharing..... there are so many questions going around my head but I struggle to keep it under control which only causes me to freak myself out.  Which doesn't help.

I got put on medication today so I need to see how that effects me and how it levels me out.  I'm hoping I don't go completely crazy on them, or they react so badly to me that I end up being really sick.  There is so much unknown right now and it scares me, really scares me. I need to to take one day at a time but the whole thing just seems so big right now and out of control.

This is yet something else I have to manage for the rest of my life.  I'm not sure I can do it, but I know I have to.  I just need to keep going.

It's not like life has actually changed, I just have the extra support and the appropriate support that I need to live a 'normal' life.  The mood swings should disappear.  But I have upset a lot of people lately, I have alienated myself and at some point I need to start rebuilding these things.  But that's an issue for a different day.

Right now all I need to concentrate on taking my meds, working out what they are doing to me and going to my appointments.

One day at a time.

week 2

Is is not easy

but don't give up now

It is not easy

Happiness is an option

It is not easy

but don't give up now

It is not easy

Happiness is an option

This is neither old nor new

It's always, forever

Somewhere between sense and ambition

pleasure and decision

we have to make a choice

What do we want?

Happiness is an option by Pet Shop Boys

So it's been over a week since my date.  Things have moved on a bit.  

1. To be in someone's bedroom and to make out was an odd sensation.  I just wanted to be there in that moment and never let him go.  Even if I did freak myself out occasionally, he just let me rabbit on, whilst he just lay there looking at me with a smile on his face, which of cause made me want to kiss him and hit him at the same time.
2. Meeting friends.  This is quite scary.  If we didn't get on that would make life tricky but they were lovely people and made me feel very welcome and I didn't freak out once.
3. We have been texting and messaging as much as we can, between CDs work shift we don't get much time to be physically together, but we do what we can to be together.  He's the first person I talk to in the  morning and the last person in the evening to talk to.   
4. I have turned into the sort of person who just goes gaga over her fella.  I get a text I smile, I find myself saying sweet things like 'I want to see you' or 'my day is better now you've text'.  It's disgusting but I'm loving every second it.
5. Last Friday we went to our gaming group and he wasn't in the greatest of moods and it made me feel strange.  He wouldn't talk much or wanted to hold hands or anything and this confused me.  But the next day we managed to talk about it and clear the air.  It was really nice.  I did't run off or get overly upset.  
6. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, even when he's not with me.  

Although this is all a new experience for me, and I don't like being this gaga woman but I am enjoying every second of it, even if I feel sick some of the time and I don't want to eat.  I think about him constantly, I just want to be with him.  It's so strange and so new and as much as I hate strange and new things, I really am enjoying all the sensations this experience is giving me.  I have to pinch myself often to believe that this is actually happening to me.  I mean me.  The single one.  The childless one.  The selfish one.  I am broke, and yet I will do what ever I can to put petrol in the car to see him, to be with him.  It's insane. I'm not this person, but I am.  I have told him this and he just has that grin on his face and kisses me.  I am working really hard on my own insecurities and issues to try and make this work.  I know it's only just over two weeks but it just feels amazing to be around him.  I'm not going to jump the gun.  I'm taking one meeting at a time and seeing where we go.  Even the whole issue of not having sex right now is not an issue.  He's just letting me take this as it comes.  

What an amazing experience I am having. 

Well that esculated quickly.

I know I was struggling to keep the depression under control but I was doing it. I felt like crap but I went out, I was social, I was nice to people.

I had two weeks holiday from work and I was broke ao I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. All my normal groups got cancelles due to school holidays or illness. This meant I was sitting home alone all day every day. The guy from christmas was also having a hard time and was trying to talk to me about it. I couldn't cope. I took a painkiller/alcohol concotion (once) and I started cutting myself (almoat daily for one week, but kept on going for a few more weeks). It felt fantastic and I still don't regret a thing. It made me feel better.

At my Friday gaming group there is a new guy who has started and he makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself. He flirts with me and I like it. It doesn't scare me.... except I don't know if he's flirting because he's that sort of guy or because he likes me. He asked for my number having only known me for two weeks and, shocked myself I gave it to him! We are now facebook fruends and have spent the weekend chatting.  I'm trying to rearrange things so i have the petrol to see him on Friday.... and every friday. I don't want ti be that sort of person and I don't know if my feeling are real or a biproduct of the depressive state I am experiencing. After three weeks (two of them knowing this guy) I have stopped cutting. After our first meeting I reduced the cutting, even the number of cuts when i did.

I wish I wasn't so screwed up so I could enjoy this more. I should stop worring and enjoy what I can for as long as I can.

I don't wanna.....

Going through the motions

Faking it somehow

I can't even see

If this is really me

I just to be alive

Going through the motions - Buffy: Once more with feeling

I don't wanna die
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna cut
I don't wanna not cut
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna wake up
I don't wanna smile
I don't wanna cry
I don't wanna feel
I don't wanna not feel
I don't wanna do anything
I don't wanna do nothing

In short I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I feel.  I get up, I am Going through the motions, I go to sleep.  I don't dream any more.  I sleep for a good 10 hours, more if I can manage it.  I do my chores, I do what I need to but that's it.  If I'm honest I don't even mind.  I do my voluntary work, I do my gaming groups, I go to church.  I help people if they ask for help.  It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't fulfil me, it doesn't do anything.  I fake my smiles, I fake my laugh.  I don't cry, I don't get mad, I don't get annoyed.

The worse part is that I still can't seem to write, I can't cut, I can't get high.... Baking is the only thing that gets me feeling anything but I don't want to eat.  I've lost a stone, no ones notice.  I try hard not to eat much.  At the moment I have to eat four times a day as I've had tonsillitis for about three weeks, my antibiotics dictate I eat.  However, before that I had some weetabix for lunch and then a sausage sandwich or some soap for dinner.  I drink coke to keep my calories  up, I have vitamin supplements so I don't get too ill.  

I have projects to do around the flat.... not getting done.  I have a qualification I'm studying for.... very slowly doing it.  I resent having a pet to take care of but I do it.  I resent having to shower, I resent cooking and eating.   I have books to read.... all they do is make me sleep, I have games to complete but can't focus on them.

My prayer every night is just not to wake up in the morning.  I resent waking up.  What's the point?!

Am I lost?

"I starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And your message couldn't've been any clearer

If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself and make that change'

Man in the mirror - J2 feat Cameron The Public

I'm lost, I'm so lost and I don't know how to get back.... I don't know if I want to go back.  Oblivion is a place I would really like to be.  It is so inviting, somewhere I can get comfortable. I know I shouldn't, I do, but I am so tired, exhausted.  I have no map, no compass, and I'm not convinced I care.  The road I am on is comfortable, it's like going home.  I smile as I great old friends, recognising landmarks.  

This is a journey I take alone, for the first time in my life I take this journey alone and I am content with the likely outcome.  There is no fear, no pain, no confusion... just the journey.

One hour at a time, moving in a direction, never stopping, fighting doesn't work, all I can do it to keep moving in a direction.  Where that takes me, I can imagine, but that's where I am, it's what I'm doing.  No more fighting.

take a step back.

There are time in ones life when you should stop.  Look at your life, and work out if you like who you are, do you know who you are?  Do you like what you've become.

I've been doing that a lot lately, I'm not really sure why.

I have spent a number of year, since I finished therapy, trying to find my way in the world.  I change jobs so many times, trying to work out what I wanted, what I needed.  I moved to different areas, met new people, tried different things.  Pushing my comfort zone, looking for something, some meaning to help me to keep going.  I know that I am made for the single life, I don't do well around people for a long period of time.  I never have been.  People annoy me.  I can't think of anything worse than sharing my life with someone.  That I come home to an empty house, to do what I want to do, in the time I want is my saving grace.  I love it and it's what I need.

I have all that I have ever wanted, I live on my own, I can support myself. I have a social life.  I do voluntary work.  I am part of a wonderful parish.  I have a worth while job and am  making a difference in lives.

I should be content, I should be fine to glide through life until death.  Yet I never want to wake up, I hate waking up.  I want to stay asleep forever.  I am always tired.  I feel nothing. When a laugh it's not real, there are times I feel I should show some sort of emotion but I have no idea what.  

I just don't understand it.  I have everything I have been working towards for year.  Surely it should feel better than this.  Is this all there is to life, is this what the next 40 years is going to feel like.  If so, God please listen to me and let me die.  I can't do this.

I have spent so long creating this life of mine, I have no idea how to change it at this point.  I am too tired to even attempt to change it.... and I can't tell anyone, because this is my fault.  I thought this was what I wanted. I got what I wanted.  So why am I not content.  Why does it just.... I have no words to explain how I feel.  What it's like to wake up and know I have x amount of hours before I can sleep again and enter the oblivion.  Why can't I stay there!

My prayer tonight is for the strength to do what I need to do.

Ruby

"No antibiotic can save us now

We are the virus that we talk about

It's like a bullet in the head

It's an S.O.S"

S.O.S - Take That

So it's been a while and I have to say that the place I am now is now where I had hoped I would be.  A few months back I moved into a small flat on my own. I love being on my own more than anything else in the world I love it.  I love the freedom, I love the isolation of it.  However, the problem I am coming across is that my health is not good at the moment.

Apart from the joys of depression which I must battle with each and every day of my life I am now suffering from something that is causing Chronic Fatigue.  It started before I moved into my own place, must be about two years ago.  I started to need more than my four hours sleep.  It crept up on me slowly but surely until about I year ago I noticed that unless I have eight hours sleep a night I was really tired.  I remember commenting on it at work and how I couldn't understand how people functioned on having to loose so much time to sleep. How did anyone get anything done? This made my colleagues laugh and that was that.  However, that eight hours turned into ten, into twelve, into fourteen until its now at a point where I set an alarm so I don't sleep more than ten hours.  As tired as I am all the time I still have things to do and spending over half the day asleep does not help matters.  I went to the doctor about this and he was baffled so has sent me to many specialist, and now waiting to see a Chronic Fatigue specialist.  The words ME/CFS are being banded about. I have researched what these are and I'm not really excited about this diagnosis but if it's what I've got, I will have to deal with it.... I suppose.

Work is driving me crazy nuts.  As a teacher, I want the best for my students and want them to flourish, but regardless what I do, what I put into place, the powers that be just destroy everything. It makes me wonder what the point is to plan and prepare anything if they are going to screw everything up anyway.  I am currently looking for new work, especially if I have ME/CFS as there is no flexability in my work hours and we don't get normal school holidays.  It means that I have LONG stresful terams and it's not doing me any favours.  I have learnt that it doesn't matter what it right for my students as long as the director gets her own way regardless how right or wrong that is.  I can't leave as they have me over a barrel, I have no teaching quals, they can't afford to send me on my teaching quals so as a result I can't get another teaching job. I can't even get a job on the same salary I am now, and I need this salary so I can continue to live on my own.  So I'm screwed, so now I refuse to get upset at work, refuse to fight any more. I will just bow down to the powers and let them destroy my class and blame me for doing it.  After all what's the point in caring.

I am also cutting again, and it feels great.  This time this blog is the only place I will admit this is what I am doing.  I have realised that there is no one in my life I can trust this too. They want me to stop or they freak out and start smothering me or trying to force me to stop or want to check on me every single day and I don't want that.  I just want to cut and enjoy it and all that it brings.  I honestly don't care where it ends up.  I have missed my friend and embarrass his return with joy.  I savour each moment and each feeling it offers me. 

Secrets, videos and struggles

I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated

I wanna break this spell that you've created

You're something beautiful a contradiction

I wanna play the game I want the friction

You will be the death of me, 

Yeah you will be the death of me,

Bury it, I won't let you bury it

I won't let you smother it

I won't let you murder it

And our time is running out

And our time is running out

You can't push it underground

We can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom But I'm restricted

I tried to give you up but I'm adicted

Now that you know I'm trapped,

Sense of elation

You'll never dream of breaking this fixation

You will squeeze the life out of me

You will suck the life out of me.

 Time is running out: Muse

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, and although I have really wanted to blog, I've wanted to write.... I couldn't and to be honest, I'm not sure why.  I compose it all in my head but when it comes to logging on and writing things I can't bring myself to do it.  I will surf the net until the early hours of the morning but when it comes to wanting to write something stops me.  Something blocks me.  I can't figure out what.  Even now I can feel something fighting against me.  I want to write, I am writing, but the distractions are great, and I know they are unreal. Even now it's only with the help of this song that I can push through what ever I've fighting.  I don't like it.

Things are going well on the whole.  I'm now completely of meds and doing okay.  I thought I would freak out and struggle, wanting to go back to the old ways but I don't.  In fact I can't imagine ever wanting to cut or get high.  I find it tough to imagine myself ever being in that position in the past, it's such an alien idea to me that I wonder were it came from.  I was 21 when I first cut.  Just found out about my friends suicide and a few months later I smashed this glass thing I owned (accidental) but I picked up one of the pieces of broken glass and the rest you can say is history.  ten years on and I have no idea where I got the idea of picking up that piece of glass and cutting myself for the first time.  I can tell you that at no point did I have a concious idea of picking up glass and cutting myself, just that I did it.  No thoughts, no feelings, just did it.  It's just peculiar concept.  I could understand it if I had heard about it before but up until I did it I'd never heard of it, never thought about it.  I was years later that I realised that I was not alone in it.

However, an old, old, old compulsion/addiction has raised its head.  This one has been going on since my teenage years.  Technically, I suppose, it's nothing that would be deamed 'self harming' but I think it is with the amount of time I allow it to occupy my thoughts and feelings.  I can't stop it though.  I fantasize about being kidnapped, tied up, drugged, gagged, held hostage, perhaps even brain washed.  It's not that it would or could ever happen but it occupies my thoughts and dreams.  I even go on you tube and download things from TV shows.  I know that this is just horrible, and I must be screwed up in the head for wanting it, but I can't help myself.  I have found numerous websites dedicated to this subject matter and yet it's not enough.  I need to experience it.  I can feel it inside me constantly, some days it's stronger than others.

I am a freak on so many levels.

The unexplainable that is my life

What a few months I have had.

Started a few months ago, when due to a bad judgement on my part, I honestly thought I would loose my job.  There is a bit of a thing at work where 'if your face don't fit your contract is not renewed'.  So when this misjudgement happened, I thought I'd be told that my contract would not be renewed.  However, I was most surprised to discover that I was doing to have a letter of disciplinary on my record for the next two years.  Which I have to say that all things considered, I can live with that.  What really scared me about the whole situation was the fact, that I planned to kill myself should I have lost my job.  I wrote a will and I picked out a place, got all my affairs in order, the works.  The only thing that stopped me killing myself the night I discovered that I was under disciplinary review was the fact I was the main role in a play and I could not leave everyone in the lurch.  So the plan was on the final night, after the final show.  I would say fair well to everyone, and go off to my location and that would be that.

We also had at work, this week, our PDRs (Personal Development Review).  I hate these things at the best of time as I always score myself low, this year was no different.  I actually got told off in my meeting about this as I really underestimated myself this time.  The tutor I work with scored me sevens and eights, whilst I scored myself 3s and 4s.  I got told that I'm doing a damn fine job and I need to believe in myself and be stronger in what I am doing.  Easier said than done but still it was an interesting meeting.  I actually lost sleep over it for no reason really but there you go.  That's me all over isn't it.

I have also been told at work that I can go near enough full time.  From five half days to 3 full days and 2 half days, which means I get to keep the two morning a week job I have.  I am also changing classrooms, due to the fact 'I could teach other staff lessons about how to sit down and just get on with the work we have to do'.  However there is a rumour that those who are changing classrooms are on their last chance, and if it doesn't work in the new class room then that's it.  Job gone.  I don't think that applies to me due to the PDR I got but you never know.

The not so great thing is that my business I have started up is going nowhere fast.  Not one single customer.  I'm heartbroken.  I thought that by now I would have a slow but steady stream of clients, especially since when I was practising and looking for guinea pigs volunteers I got them in abundance.  Now I can find no one.  Frustrating as all hell.  But never mind, no doubt the business will start off at some point.  Even if it is not going as quick as I had hopped.

Update

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing you're fucking perfect to me.

Fucking Perfect: Pink

So it's been a while since I've last posted and my God a lot's changed.  Shortly after losing my job and my home, I moved back in with Mam.  It was tough to begin with but we've made it work, and got really use to each other and our peculiar little ways again.  Shortly after I moved in with Mam, I went to the doctors and asked if I could be put on Anti-depressents, and they did, with out any hesitation.  So I've been on them since mid April, and I have to say I'm doing really well on them.  The only side effect I really have with them is my neverending appitate, so I'm going to ask the doctors to help me out and give me something to stop it.

One of the major advatages of moving in with Mam, is that I'm closer to my niece and get to see a lot more of her.  She is now 19 months old and is a little wizard on her feet and often gets herself into pickles because she likes to climb up but can never climb down and get's stuck.  She keeps us on our toes.

In August I got a job after six months unemployment.  Now it's only 22.5 hours a week but still it's better than not working.  I am a Learning Support Assistant (LSA) for a college for Adults with Server Learning Difficulties.  I'm loving it.  Totally and completely.

I also past my Hypnotherapy course and in the new year I will be getting my insurance so I can finally make my business a reality.  At the moment everything is just thearetical and I'm just waiting to get things finialised.  I'm hoping that with this business that I can earn enough to either move out of Mams or safe up a deposit so I can buy a place of my own.

Toska (my tortoise) is forever growing and is even bonding with my niece, and she with him.  It's brilliant.  When I finally die in many decades, I can will him to her and she should take him on.  It'll be awesome.

I have joined a local am-dram group and have done three plays so far and am working for the third one and am also trying to sort out dirrecting for another one later on in the season.  I've been doing sound for all the other shows, so it'll be interesting taking that leap and going for directorship.

So life is looking up.  I'm stable.  I may not be happy (not that I know what that looks like), but I'm doing okay.

To cry in front of you, is the worst thing I can do

 "I could hurt someone like me,
Out of spite or jealousy.
I don't steal and I don't lie,
But I can feel and I can cry.
A fact I'll bet you never knew.
But to cry in front of you,
That's the worse thing I could do."

There Are Worse Things I Can Do: Grease

Prayer in community has be really hard for me for quite a while.  However, after months of discussion and a doctors visit (!), things are beginning to settle.  I've managed to have some nice prayer times, that have been suitable for me.   Today, during prayer, we were asked to write a letter to ourselves.  Quite a hard thing today, but I set my music up, put my headphones in and started to write.  When I write like this, I don't often know what it is I'm writing.  I stop thinking about it and allow the words just flow. 

Reading back over what I wrote was really interesting.  It's really made me thing.  I talked about the fact that right now I am at a crossroads, a terrifying crossroads.  At this junction in my life I can either choose life or go back to the hermit I was.  I either have to take life by it's hands and celebrate and enjoy it as much as I can, allow my healing journey to continue.  Or I can stop, I can go back to what I was.  The hermit, the cutter, the depressive. The problem with going back to being the depressive, is that I know what enjoying life means.  I understand what it means to have friends, a social life.  I'm not sure I could go back, and be content.  The problem is with moving forward on the healing journey is I have to face my demons.  I have to trust someone enough to allow myself to cry in front of them.

I have to take and own my emotions.  I need to be in control, rather than them controlling me all the time.  Someone once said to me that you need to be scared to be brave.  However I'm terrified, and I'm not sure I have the strength or the friends to get me through the healing journey.  The more I think about it, the more I dwell on it, the more terrified I become, paralysing terror.

I don't know what I'm going do or what way on the crossroads I'm going to go.  I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for it.  I don't know what to do, no one can tell me what to do.  I'm stuck at the crossroads and can't move. 

I'm paralysed.

Moving day

I have another blog and it's based over at Blog-City, but it's closing down.  I've been there for eight years but now it's not to be.

So since I already have this blog up and running I'm going to keep this as my main blog, and let blog-city just disappear.  However what I have to do over the next 18 months is get a copy of my blog as I don't want to loose all my post.  It's a long old hall.

Physcotherapy

I know I haven't said much about this, and in fact most of me talking about it has happened on my other blog. But with what came up at my meeting last Tuesday, I don't feel I can write over there, or tell anyone. If someone, who knows I went, asks me about it I just tell them everything was 'fine'. The really answer to that question is not fine, in fact it's the complete opposite. My head is feeling like it's about to explode.

I was okay after the meeting, but then again I was going straight to work so I really couldn't think too much about what was said, but different aspects of the meeting kept popping into my head. I didn't want them too because I had to open for the youth and I couldn't collapse in front of them. So I pushed them from my concious brain. This was fine until I got home.

I got back to the flat, and the first thing I did was to open an alcoholic drink and within minutes I had drunk it, so I opened a second. Now I hadn't eaten all day. This isn't a good thing for me, I'm meant to be eating, my system can't take me not eating. If I don't keep my food intake up I'm going to become really ill, but that's by-the-by. The alcohol went straight to my head and the meeting came back to me and started to swim in my head. I was getting agitated. I could recognise it in myself. I wanted my razor, I reached for it and kept it beside me.

Basically what came out of the meeting is the following:

1. I'm in the high risk category for committing suicide. This has completely fucked with my head. I don't feel suicidal. Sure I want to cut myself but there is a difference between cutting yourself and being suicidal. But still the therapist is worried that I might take that I step further and actually end my life. Then I looked back at my last attempt. That did come out of nowhere. I hadn't cut for quite a while, I was in a dark place... certainly darker than I am now.... but I hadn't thought about it. I just did it. I wrote a will, instructions for what to do, how to tell people etc.... but I just did it. This time though I have just thought about it once, so I'm thinking I don't want to do it.
2. The therapist wanted to convince me that I was jealous of my sister, because she has a relationship, is getting married, has the house etc. I have to say although one day I would like that, I'm not ready for it right now and I don't want it. Maybe five or six years down the line, but certainly not now. The therapist couldn't understand why I wasn't jealous though.
3. My biological other half and my feeling towards him, confused the therapist. She wanted to make out I was angry at him, that I was hurting because he wasn't around. How can I feel like that, I have no idea what it means to have two parents. I never had it, I have no memories of him. She asked if I had any photos and I said yes I did. She asked how I felt when I saw his in them. I said I felt nothing. She didn't like that, she wrote something on her pad and that was that.
4. She asked what would I be like in group therapy. I told her I wouldn't like that at all. I don't trust and there is no way I would open up to a group of people. I would be hard enough if it was just one person. She said how I had open up to her. I said that I've told her things most people know about me. Nothing I've told her is a secret.
5. We also talked about my cutting. We only talked about that because it's on my medical notes. This is when the whole suicide thing came up. We didn't talk a lot about it, we will do that at the next meeting, but she asked me what I felt when I did it. So I tried to remember what it was I did feel when I cut. The problem is that I don't often know what I feel, there is so much there that I can't name everything I feel. She also asked about how I cut. I told her slow and deliberate. As I calm down the cuts get less deep and lighter. Less blood.
6. We talked about the mask I put on for the world to see. The happy go lucky nothing bothers me mask. The mask I will show everyone because I don't want them to see me crumbling inside. I don't want people to know just how crap I am feeling.
   
7. We never really talked about work. We did talk a little and she said that it must be exhausting for me, emotionally as well as physically (teenagers are not easy). She said it must be equally exhausting because I have this mask on that the world sees. So I have two lots draining what energy I have. None of this is easy.
8. We talked about how crap school was for me.
9. We also talked about physcotherapy itself and how it's about accepting what one feels and examining ones life, what happened and how things from the past can affect us etc. This can be very hard if you have a persecution complex. I didn't think I had this, but she explained it that if I had ever thought 'if it happens to anyone, it's happen to me' or 'why does this always happen to me' or 'why bother doing that it's only go wrong anyway', then you have this complex. Well that's me down to a T. So I'm going to struggle. But if I don't do this, what's left for me. What more can I do? What do I need to do to get better? I can't keep going on like this.
   

As all this was going around and around my head I got more and more agitated. I'm not sure why though. I picked up my empty bottle and in tears and anger I let out a scream and threw it at my wall. I didn't smash, so I tried again. It still didn't smash. I fell to the floor in tears because even that I couldn't get right. (In the cold light of day I worked out why, the plaster is too soft for it to smash, all I have now is huge dents in my wall and missing plaster work which I must fill in at some point).

I cried for hours. I don't think my flatmates heard me, they didn't make any issue of it. In fact I haven't seen them all week to see if they noticed anything. All week this stuff and more has been going around and around and around and around and around and around my head and I just can't get it to stop. My next appointment isn't until the 26th.

What I have to think about is if this is the right thing for me to do, and if it is I have to sign a piece of paper that says I won't attempt to kill myself. I will be given a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) and a number to call when I'm in crisis at 3 in the morning. I may even have to go back on meds.

What have I got myself into, why did I get into such a mess. My life wasn't meant to be like this. Where is the happy girl I used to be. I want her back.

Update on stuff

My last post was very negative, very honest but still very nagative. My manager adn I did go out for the drink and I talked, and I mean I really talked about what was going on in my head about work and about my co-worker. We really talked, I cried, she cried but we both really appreciated having each other there. Last week I had to finnish the apraisal with my manager's manager, and I have to admit I didn't trust her, but my manager told me that it was okay and I should just talk about everything like we had. So I did, and although I hadn't meant to I did cry. My manager told me later it was probably the best thing I could have done so that her manager could see just how painful working with my co-worker was.

Anyway with such a positive apraisal I have discovered just how much it has taught me about myself. I've said it before but I've never been able to talk about negative feelings, I've never even felt as though I was allowed negative feelings and to do something about it was uncalled for. This had given me the confidence to change things in my life. I feel high on life, adn a natural high. I finally know what it feels like to beat depression. Best of all it's got nothing to do with medication, I did it with my close friends and my faith in God.

I thank God for sending me to this place. I have learnt so much about myself and moving forward. Praise God.

Update

I've never found having depression easy, and people who know me know that I have struggled with it for a very long time. Sometimes I cope with it, but sometimes I don't, and when things get bad, they really get bad. Touch wood I've not self harm for over a year. I'm really impressed by that.

My co-worker is suffereing from depression and he was talking about it so I told him a little about mine. He told me that if I prayed to God that he would take it away from me, he told me thats whta he does and it works. If it works then why is he on meds. But what really made me furious was the fact he indicated to me that it was my fault I was depressed and if I prayed to God about it that I would no longer suffer from depression. That works for him... he's medicated.. I'm not.

I just got so angry at him but never told him so.. i have to work with this jerk. He was making out that I wasn't a believer and it's my fault I suffer. He went out for a bit and I just threw scissors around and threw chairs around. I WAS JUST SO FUCKING ANGRY, it's been a couple of hours and I'm still shaking I'm that angry.

I mean how dare he. I believe that God will help me but he wants me to learn soemthing first, just like a parent who knows that their child has to burn themselves once so that the child understands that fire is bad. Sometimes you have to go through the rough so that you learn and become a better person. This is what I believe God is doing with me. He gives me all the tools to get through it but it's up to me to take those tools and to get myself out of it, he won't just hand me the solution on the plate or else how can I learn and improve myself. I know what God is trying to teach me and what he wants me to do, but I'm too subbon and feel too unconfortable by the challenge he has set. I know that if I took the challange my life will change for the better, but I just can't do that yet... just like a smoker who isn't ready to quite smoking. You have to be ready or you won't get anything out of the challenge only resentment and proberbly end up in a worse state than before.

I'm just not ready to take the challenge God has put in front of me. But he has given me the strength to acknowledge that I do suffer from depression and that I do need help. The rest will come but God knows that I have to be ready, I believe he knows I can do it know, but I have not go the self-confidence to go through with it now, but if I do my self-confidence will grow expenencially. It's a viscious circle I have gotton myself into, God is giving me the tools to get out, I'm just not sure I'm ready to do it yet.

I think part of me enjoys the depression because at least with it I have something. I know that doesn't make sence but it make sense to me.

So how dare my co-worker say I have to faith in God and his power. God gave me free will, God can not force me to take the challenge and improve myself, much like he can't force people to believe in him and follow his path. We are all unique and we all have free will.

I so angry, I still have to work with him this evening and all I want to do is stab him. What the hell I'm I going to do? If I'm up to it I'll try and post this evening about how I managed.
----
A few hours later....
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So I spent some time this afternoon praying to God for the strength to cope with my co-worker and that I had the strength to let the anger to go. I got to the cafe first and I honestly felt angry still and really didn't know how I was going to cope and then something amazing happened, I saw my co-worker and all my anger disappeared. Thank you God.
____
My boss and I are going out for coffee after Easter to talk about how the job is making me feel and try and sort things out so that I'm not so unhappy.

I believe that God is trying to tell me that it's okay to talk about feelings, and to have negative feelings. I have to accept that, take it on board, and learn from the challenge he is setting in front of me.

Blogs

I have two blogs. This is because too many people I know read my other one and I didn't feel I could write on it any more, well write about issues that were annoying me, so I created this one.

The thing is my life took a turn for the better, as a result having this second site annoys me. I don't have enough material for the two, so I'm going to let this one slide until things get bad again and I need to write things that my other blog can not handle, this many never happen.

So if you would like a link to my other blog please leave your email in my comments box. As soon as I recieve it I will delete it and send you the link to the other sight.

I will not be posting so much on this site.

Update

Things are going okay. My parish priest has gone away for a while and hopfully this will mean that my mother will relax a wee bit and will manage to climb the ever increasing mountain of paper work that appears on her desk. With the priest being so ill, mam has found it hard to get any work done, he wants things read to him (since his eye sight is shot), he wants the know what's going on so Mam keeps running up and down the stairs doing what ever it is he needs, but this means that the mountain is not being scaled.

She came home last night, she managed to finish to files. She only has another 10 to go!

I'm sitting in my office, desperately trying to get my report written but I have no enegy to do it whatsoever. I just want to sleep, relax and find out what the hell is wrong with my computer. Currently I am at work typing this, procrastinating from my report.

Never mind, having my legs waxes later on today, and next thursday I fly out to Germany for World Youth Day for 12 days. Life's not all bad, at times.

I've had one hell of a week

I have to appoligise for the state of this post, but I have had almost half a bottle of wine on an empty stomach.

Before you read on there are two facts you need to know:
1. I have been taking St. John's wart for te past couple of days
2. You shouldn't drink while on this stuff.
Appoligise here and now in advance, I'm going to regret this in the moringl.

OUr parish priest was taken ill into hospital at the beginning of this week. He is in his late 60s, he's doing a highly stressful job (he's not just a parish priest), yesterday we discovered he has indeed had a stroke, but this afternoon he was allowed home. This doesn't supprise me, he doesn't like NHS hospital, so as soon as he could he came home. He can't see to well, it seams to be the only think that this stroke has affected, his sight I mean.

So he was at home this evening. While he was in hospital I didn't push to see him, although every part of me was aching too. Now he was home I almost demanded I see him. It's not like he's an aquaintance to the family. He is a family member to me, an uncle, a grandfather, a father. It's really hard to explain my relationship with him, but needless to say he is a close family member. So he is now home and I went to see him. He looks so well, better than he has looked in quite a while. The only thing is he can't see too well. If you want to him to see anything you have to place it in front of him, even then it's not in focus. So we were sitting around the table and the wine was open. I don't drink wine, but on this occation I thought I would. I liked this wine so I drank half a bottle. I haven't eaten since lunch (even then it wasn't a great lunch, Crisps and a bakewell tart). Add to that the St John's wart the wine has gone to my head.

I am glad too see him. Everything is still in the air but I feel more positive for the future, this doesn't not mean however that I will stop taking St. John's wart (what a name for an anti depressant).

In a way I'm glad I was confortable to start taking the St. John's again, but a bigger part of me is heart broken that I wasn't strong enough to cope with what's been going on by myself. I alway's seam to have to turn to the medication to cope with anything. This sucks because it proves that I am not strong, if fact I am a wimp. Can't deal with anything life throws at me. It really does suck.

Usually I won't touch alchohl but I felt I needed it after the week I've had, I just couldn't cope without it any more, which of cause has made me feel worse, espcially since I have st. John's in my system. Why can't I be stronger? No one else had to to take anything to cope, but I do. I'm just a waste of space. Nothing I do is right, nothing I plan works right. I hate it.

All I want to do with my life is be a Catholic Youth Worker within a parish. It's not a major request but God keeps testing my faith, and I'm not sure I'm going to past this one. I've gone through a lot with my faith over the year, trusting that God knows better, that I am doing the right thing. I have questioned God's way, I have got angry at him, I have HATED him, but I've alway's gone back. How many more times must I go through these tests until he is done with me?

When is it my turn to feel contented?

When is it my turn to feel happy with my life?

There are times I really dispise being me?