Stupid, stupid me!!!!

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see
Stupid: Sarah McLachlan

So I'm not exactly proud of myself, but at the same time I am.  I haven't been coping at all well lately and I know that.  However, last night I drank a fair bit and I took three of my painkillers.  Not enough for me to get completely off my face but just enough that I could buzz away quite happily for the night.  I know I'm on a dangerous path here, but I don't know what else to do.  I don't trust anyone to talk to, I don't want to go back for counselling because I just don't have anything to talk about.  I don't know what's going on in my head and why I'm feeling like this.  I just know that last  night I felt quite happy for a while.

Still need to sleep though.

Doctor

So doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me something?

A day in the life of someone else

'Cause I'm a hazard to myself

Don't le me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating

Don't wanna be my friend no more

I wanna be somebody else.

Pink: Don't let me get me!

I have had some fun today.  I went to the doctors today to see if I can get a diagnosis of hyperactivity, ADD or ADHD as I can't take prayer for much more at work.  So I explained to the doctor what was being asked of me which is basically a letter  or a diagnosis of what's wrong with me so I don't need to sit in silence for such a long period of time.

When I explained to the doctor what was being asked of me, the doctor, tried and failed, not to laugh.  He thought it was insane that I needed a letter to be able to pray with some music in the background.  So he is going to talk to the psychiatrist to get his opinion and will be talking to my boss on Monday, and call me to let me know what is going on.  He thinks it's ridiculous that I am not being excepted for who I am within a Catholic community!!! He could not stop himself from sniggering.

I felt like a lemon for asking, but I also feel the same way.  It's insane that I need a piece of paper to say that I'm allowed to work and pray in a way that is conducive for myself and doesn't not do me harm.  What century are we in!!!

Creaper

"I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anaesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside."

Cut: Plumb

As part of my new job I must sit though half hour to an hour of silent prayer.  Anyone who has known me since my birth knows that trying to sit still for that long is not good for me.  I brought this up with my boss' and they were unsympathetic.  I told them that I boarder on having hyperactivity/ADHD/ADD, as a result I don't sit still for long and I can't concentrate on one thing at a time.  I have to be doing a number of things at once, so I wondered if it was possible for me to take in some music during this time to help me out with this and allow me to pray in a way that I know works for me.  I was rejected.  So I told them there would be a price to pay and as long as their willing to deal with that so be it.

Well the price has come.  I am once again dealing with Insomnia, which isn't too bad really, I'm getting a lot more writing done which is nice.  The bad part though is that my depression is trying to worm itself back into my life.  I have found myself drinking more, and taking my pain medication (even though I don't need it) with a bit of alcohol just so I can get a bit of a buzz.  I'm not getting high, not really, just enough so I can make it through the night.  I haven't started cutting though which is nice.  I find more and more though that I struggle to be happy and nice to people.  Most days I would be quite happy to kill most people I'm around, which is never good when you live and work within community.  I have also found that the only way I can be 'calm' during silent prayer is to start banging my head against the wall.  I didn't realise I was doing it to begin with but now I find it most comforting.  I know it's not a good sign though.

I also find myself pulling away from people, and spending more and more time on my own.  I don't want to be around people.  I recognise the road I am on but really not sure what I need to do to stop this.  I tried talking to someone about what's going on in my head, but she freaked out and found it hard to deal with so I'm not going to be talking to her again.  Not like the way she thinks I will be.

I know the road I'm on, how do I get off thought?