I just don't understand

Lately everything I come accross just seams to piss me off, and I don't understand why. I'm always angry and I can cope until night. Night's always been the hardest part for me though. I want to be able to go to bed relaxed, and not angry and not thinking about....... stuff.

The one thing that stops me doing anything is my mother. I still live with her and I would hate it if she saw what I do to myself. I don't think she would understand. She would just look at me disappointedly and just pretend it's not happening and that I'm just being silly. Which in some way is true, I am being silly but it's taking every bit of self control not to find something to cut myself with. To cut out the anger.

But another part of me (a small part) misses the attention I got when I cut. I always thought that I did it to make myself feel better, not so I get attention, but part of me does miss that. The way people fussed around me, wouldn't leave me alone when I was dangourous. I hated them for it but I do miss it. I hate to admit it but I do.

What I really miss though is the control, and how well I would sleep after I cut. Everything would stop after three or four (sometimes more) cuts. I could sleep, relax and just feel good. Then of course I would wake up and see the results of the night before and hate myself for what I have done to myself.

I supose what I really want, more than anything else in the world is just to stop feeling so angry. Stop getting pissed off at everything. Or if I do get pissed of I wish I knew how to voice it without getting violent or shouting my head of at people. I'm turning into someone I hate and I don't know what I can do about it.

The easiest thing is to deny it, pretend it wasn't happening and that worked for me for a long time. I never cut, never felt angry, I just got depressed, but I wouldn't recognise it in myself and just tried to carry on as normal but didn't do it succesfuly. I was defensive and sometimes just downright unpleasent. Then my friend died. Because he took his own life everything changed. EVERYTHING. How I saw myself, how I saw my faith, how I saw my 'friends', my family. I reassed everything and the more I did the worse I got. That's when the cutting came it. I couldn't cope with the years of crap the lay behind me, and I just couldn't let it go..... in a lot of ways I still can't. I try to let it go, but when it's such a big part of you, part that you ignored for years, you just can't switch it off. I wish there was a button that could stop all of this.

The thing to make it all stop, completely stop I mean, there is only one way. To die. But I don't want to. There is so much in the world for me to see, for me to do, and I'm not ready to give up on all of that, unlike my two friends who commit suicide and my hero. I really don't want death. I really don't. But at the same time I'm have problems getting out of bed in the morning, of smiling, of talking to people, I am turning into a recluse and there is no one to stop me. But how can I live life if I am a recluse from everyone around me. How can life be full and meaningful if all I have is me?

I just wish I can get the bad feelings to stop that I could get up in the morning and just be happy. I know that can't happen 24/7 and honestly I don't want be be happy 24/7 life would be boring. I just have a lot more days were I just want to stay in bed then I do wanting to get out of bed.

I know this isn't making much sense, but then again I'm just typing and letting the thoughts and the words come out of my mind and on to the screen so they won't make much sense but at least this way I have a starting point when I become serious about sorting out my mind and wanting a better life for myself. I have learnt that running away from my problems will not help me in any way in fact they just follow you. The feelings of the past don't go away, and it no longer works to ingnore them, as much as I would want that to happen.

If you have some insight please let me know.