I'm in trouble!

"The past is done It's gone forever is done Don't tell me my pain is pleasure You, you haven't got a clue Oh, I wanna cry but I don't make a sound I'm your child and your child is feeling down Everybodys toxic in this town" Robbie Williams: Toxic
I know I shouldn't have done it, but I'm just feeling so bad! I've not talked to anyone in over 30 hours. I've not seen anyone within 30 hours. I've been completely on my own. Last night I couldn't handle how I was feeling, there was no one around. I tried everyone but there was nothing, not one person about. Everyone has their own lives. So I bought a BIG bottle of orange bacardi breezer, drank that to myself and then took some of my old pain killers. I know they make me buzz along side the alcohol. No one around to notice, no one around to stop me.

I need to let go.

"This is the way you left me
I'm not pretending
No hope no love no glory
No happy ending
This is the way that we love
Like it's forever
And live the rest of our lives
but not together"
Happy Ending: Mika

I know that he doesn't like me in a romantic way. I am thankful that we are still friends and that we can still spend time together. I would like my feelings to stop and for the day dreams to end. I am hurting that he doesn't want me. I wish I could change myself so that he wanted me, I wish I could be exactly what he wants in a woman. I keep wondering if things would have been different if I hadn't had all this mental health crap going on.

I dread the day he gets a girlfriend. I dread the jealousy I know that will come. However, I wish that he will be happy with who ever he ends up with. I hope he does find true happiness and true love. I hope he finds a love that will last a lifetime and then some. A love that is not jealous or possessive. I hope that he finds everything he wants in a wife.

I just wish it could have been me!

Heartbroken

It seemed to be like the perfect thing for you and me

It's so ironic you're what I pictured you to be

But there are facts in our lives we can never change

Just tell me that you understand and feel the same

This perfect romance that I've created in my mind

I'd live a thousand lives each one with you right by my side

But yet we find ourselves in a less than perfect circumstance

And so it seems like we'll never have the chance

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny

And you can't move on even though you try

Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel

Oh, I wish this could be real

Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life

And you don't want to face what's wrong or right

Ain't it strange how fate can play a part

In the story of your heart

Sometimes I think that a true love can never be

I just believe that somehow it wasn't meant for me

Life can be cruel in a way that I can't explain

And I don't think that I could face it all again

I barely know you but somehow I know what you're about

A deeper love I've found in you

And I no longer doubt

You've touched my heart and it altered every plan I've made

And now I feel that I don't have to be afraid

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny

And you can't move on even though you try

Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel

Oh, I wish this could be real

Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life

And you don't want to face what's wrong or right

Ain't it strange how fate can play a part

In the story of your heart

I locked away my heart

But you just set it free

Emotions I felt

Held me back from what my life should be

I pushed you far away

And yet you stayed with me

I guess this means

That you and me were meant to be

Ain't it funny:J-lo

I have had only one relationship in my life and even then I wouldn't really call it a relationship.  I knew he liked me which is why I asked him out. Shortly after we started 'dating' I became ill.  The 'relationship' lated six months.  During that time I never completely relaxed around him, I never felt comfortable when we were together, or holding hands, or kissing.  I always felt like it was wrong somehow.  Then during this time I almost kissed someone else.  This is when I knew that he and I wouldn't last.  He went to uni and we broke up.  I didn't feel anything, not even upset.  I didn't cry not once.  I have gone on dates, I have asked other guys out but every time things didn't work out or I got knocked back I didn't care.  I didn't feel anything.

That's changed this time.  This time I had feelings, I had butterflies, I had a vested interest in the outcome.  This time I knew I would feel something if he said no.  So I asked him out.  The wait was excruciating but wait I had to.  Eventually I got the reply, I didn't want to read the text, I didn't want to know.  I didn't want my fears to be confirmed.  My friend made me read the reply.  It was as I feared.  He said no.

S and I will never get together, regardless how much I want it, regardless how much I play stuff out in my mind, he will never be mine and I will never be his.  He just doesn't feel that way for me.  That's fine.  I can't force him to like me or blackmail him into it.  I don't want him to hate me.  I hope in time we'll get our rhythm back.  I don't know if we've deliberately giving each other space but for two days now, since the whole text thing we've not seen each other, but we know we're both in.  I have been trying to put on a brave face, as if everything is normal.  I don't want him to see me hurting.  I have almost burst into tears four times today. I hurt so much, I never imagined I would feel this way.  I didn't think anyone could effect me like S has effected me, but here it is.  The hurt and the pain is so real.  I feel as though part of me has died.

I want him so much but I know that he will never be mine.  I have to put him in a box and lock him away.  I just thought that maybe... just maybe.... I could have my dream this time.

When will it all end!

I've cut again. I don't understand why I've not come up. I know Tuesday night was tough for me, and I cut. Usually for a few days after I start coming up and by now I should be back to my 'normal' (which you must understand is not that high). I cried Wednesday and I cried and cut again last night.

I tried to text someone to ask for help but I never sent it, it's still in my drafts folder on my phone. I know I can't do this alone, I know that there are people out there who are willing to help me and all I have to do is ask, reach out and take their hands and they will help me. But I can't do it. All I had to is press send and I could have had someone by my side but something in side me keeps stopping me. I don't know what it is though. What is it in me that just can't reach out and ask for help.

All I seam to be able to do is cut, but it's not doing me any favours for my arm really hurts at the moment. Nothing I do seams to stop the pain. It doesn't hurt to cut, but it hurts at other times. When I turn in the night on to my arm I get woken up with the pain. I have to put a make shift bandage on my arm each night, for it keeps bleeding as the skin gets contorted and the cuts re open. This means they'll scar pretty badly.

Why can't I just reach out to the help that is being offered. Why can't I just start going up rather than forever be going downhill! Something has got to change, and soon. I can't keep doing this, I'm not strong enough. If I have a bad shift tonight I don't know what I would do.

I did it again.

I just couldn't deal with it. He made me feel so bad, I couldn't handle the feelings that were washing over me. He came up near the end of the session and started verbally attacking me, my volunteers and the work we are doing. I barely held it together, one of my volunteers ran off in tears. I got to the end of my street before the tears started falling. I kept it quiet as I walked up the stairs in my flat, The Boys were out. I got into my room collapsed and cried and cried. After some time I got my blade. My old cuts are barely healed but still I cut. I never felt any pain, I was barely aware that they were bleeding. I have had to create some make shift bandages so I don't bleed on my bed linen again, mainly tissue and gaffa tape.

I don't regret what I've done, not at all, but I was talking to M (My Manager) telling her what happened at the end of the session. She asked me to write a report about what happened. Her next question, no hesitation, was if I had done anything. I just nodded, I didn't talk about it though. I wasn't going to tell anyone or talk about it. I wanted this one to be mine, not tell anyone. Keep it to myself. I knew talking things out would be a bad idea. Now every time I feel things are getting about me, she will assume that I have cut, even if it's not true, she will think I am lying. I wanted this to be my thing, I just wanted me to know about it, I didn't want to tell anyone else, I wasn't going to share it with the boys. All this stuff freaks them out way to much for me to confide in them.

Right now all I want to do is get really, really, really drunk but I am scared that if I start drinking I won't stop. I want to cut again but know that I can't, or should I say, shouldn't. It's just so alluring and so comforting. I probably should talk to someone, anyone about the way I'm feeling but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do it.

I am so lost and alone right again. I don't know where to turn, who to trust or what to do. I want to feel something again. I don't want to be stuck in this hopelessness or feel this pathetic. I wish I could smile and mean it, laugh and know that it's real. I want seeing S to make my heart sing again. Currently all it does is make me hurt. Everything makes me feel worse. I'm just not enjoying anything any more.

I cried so much last night that my eyes were still puffy this morning. I had to do everything in my power to try and depuff my eyes for work. It didn't really work. Even now there is puffiness to them. I also spent a lot of today trying not to cry at the drop of a hat. It's all I wanted to do.

I thought doing down this road was meant to make me feel better, make me feel.... I don't know. I just... ngh what does it matter any way.

Triggers

I've been trying to work out what my triggers are. On the whole I never feel that great, I just permanently feel down. Then there are some days that for what ever reason I start crying and then out of those days there are the days I self harm.

I'm trying to work out what it is about those days I self harm where I get to the point I want to do that.

oh well

Fuck this hurts, I won't lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try

Half the words don't mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied

I've opened up these scars
I'll make you face this

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Extracts from Bleed It Out: Linkin Park

I told my flatmates about what happened last weekend. S looked scared and then just looked at me with pity in his eyes. I know it was more because he didn't know what to say. N on the other hand wanted to try and fix me. At least N gave me a hug. It was just so nice. Sometimes I hate being hugged, other times I really need a hug.

I wasn't going to tell anyone about any of this but felt I had too when S caught me with bare arms. Luckily I was in the right frame of mind to move my body in such a way he couldn't see anything. It brought home to me though how easy it would be for either one of them to catch me with naked arms. That's when I felt I needed to tell them. I couldn't have them seeing it and then feeling uncomfortable.

So that's what I did. I talked to them. I spent the rest of the evening freaking out. I couldn't deal with it. Today I talked to M. She helped me calm myself down a little. I just can't believe how much this all takes out of me. Anyway I have made plans for this weekend. I couldn't deal with a bank holiday weekend on my own. It's when I'm alone thing gets worse.

I gave in and it felt great!

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut
Plumb: Cut

I couldn't help myself, I really couldn't. I just felt so bad, so useless, so pointless, so down that I couldn't help myself. I had eaten something yesterday, for the first time in three days. Although I had eaten little snacks over three days. It was the forth day and I was thinking I need to eat. So I did and boy did I regret it. I have been so hungry lately, although I don't feel hungry in the traditional way, I am craving food. I missing eating. I don't feel hungry and yet I know my body is hungry for food. My body is starving. I know this to be true. I sense it in my body even though I don't feel hungry.

So yesterday I ate. I haven't felt pain like that in so long. I had these cramps, I couldn't stand at all, I just spent the evening in a ball on my bed. It was the final straw. I have to play with my asthma inhalers because they are making me shake, I have a fungal infection on my arm, I just want to sleep all the time, I don't feel I've had a good week, my feelings for S are getting out of hand and I don't know what to do with any of this and then to top it off I felt like shite after I ate.

It just got all too much and I couldn't deal with it any more, so I got my blade and I cut. I just couldn't stop myself. They bled so much. The 'pain' was euphoric. It calmed me down so much. I cut again and again. Finding it hard to stop. I did stop eventually and then just feel asleep out of exhaustion.

Today I've been trying to keep busy but it's hard to concentrate on anything, so here I am writing my blog watching SG1. I know I should call someone, tell them what happened or knock on one of The Boys door but I just can't bring myself to do it. This is something I want to keep to myself, I don't want other's to know, treat my like a freak show. My cuts are higher than normal and therefore I will be able to hide them easily. One of the advantages of winter I can wear long sleeves. I have to see my mother next week. It'll be a breeze hiding them.

My head is annoying!

"cryin', "Love me, love me, do!"
Because I'm heart over head
over heart over head over you.
Too late to stop it now.
I'm heart over head
over heart over head over you."
Bette Middler: Heart over head!

So I've decided that I need to do something about my feelings for S. I need to get them out there and he needs to know. I need the now from him so I can start getting over him and moving on with my life. I know in my heart of hearts that he will say no.

I keep banging on about this, I keep going on about my feelings. I have never felt this strongly about anyone before.... ever. The main problem is that my head takes over and takes the whole situation to places I'm not ready for or to situations that will never happen. For instance I haven't been in a relationship for so long I don't know the rules, when is it okay to kiss them, hold their hands, snuggle into them. How often you go out? What do you share with them, what you don't share with them? What about the L word, when does that come into things?

My head is playing out these situations and they end up really bad. I am either to clingy or I stand back so much he's not sure why we're in a relationship (both these have happened to me in the past!). I play conversations out in my head about things and we end up fighting. I see problems about our relationship and we're not even in one. Personally I'm not sure he would say yes, if he did say yes I'm not sure how I would react. I don't understand why he would want me. He knows what I'm going through, what if he says yes because he's scared about what I might do if he says no. That's no way to start a relationship.

Then there is the whole sex thing. That within itself is a mine field. Then there is the mine field of the fact we share a flat together.

The whole thing is driving me crazy. I have to do something about it. I want to send him a text. Some of my friends say this is okay the others say it's not. I know that I will never tell him face to face, it's too hard otherwise. It's going to be tough doing it via text. The first text I've drafted has been deemed too negative. I just thought I was being honest!

So at the end of the day I know I have to do something, I'm just not sure of the words to use or what will happen afterwards. I don't want to loose what we've got, I just want to take it to the next level. I hope this doesn't ruin things permanently between us.

I have to do something

"Doing all I can do just to be close to you
Every time that we meet I skip a heartbeat
Always up for a laugh, she's a pain in the ass
Every time that we meet I skip a heartbeat"
Scouting for girls: Heartbeat

Regardless how hard I can try I can't get S out of my system. I joined an online dating site but every time I see someone I compare them to S. When I ever I meet any guy I compare them with S. If I've not seen him for a while he takes my breath away. I have never known anyone who could do that to me. Other people I've had feelings for they would excite me but never make me loose my head or my breath but S can.

I know that I can't carry on like this. I know this, I really do. I need to ask him on a date, I need to know one way or another how he feels about me but I just can't do it. I don't want to lose our thing we've got. I don't want to feel awkward around him, I don't want to be embarrassed. I know that if I ask him he'll tell me he doesn't have feelings for me like that, I know this to be true. There is no other way this will play out I honestly know this. But while I don't know, and while I don't ask him I have my day dream. I can pretend just for a little while longer.

Regardless how crap I feel he can make me smile, he can make me laugh. He can make me feel like I'm worth something. I know that I can't gage myself esteem on how someone makes me feel. I have to feel good about myself, by myself. But having someone who can boost that can't be bad! He makes me feel special. I can be honest and open with him. I can relax around him.

I know I have to do something, I honestly do. I just don't know how, I can't do it. I look at him and the words don't come. Like some much about me I don't have the guts to do it. I'm so pathetic. How hard can it be to say, 'I have feelings for you, do you fancy a date.' I want him so much.

I don't know what to do....

"Doctor, doctor wont you please prescribe me somethin'
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else"
Pink: Don't let me get me

.... actually that's a bit of a lie. I know exactly what I should do but I just don't want to do it. For no reason what so ever I feel like shite today. From the moment I woke up I knew today would be a bad day for me. Now at the end of the day I realise that I am right, today has been a bad day, unfortunately, and this is what infuriates those trying to support me, I can't tell you why. There is two things that have got me in a tiz and have not helped my mood but right now I just want to crawl up in bed and sleep. The problem is that's all I've done for weeks now. Curled up in bed and ignore the world. I've had a fag, I have an alcoholic drink by my bed but I still want my razor. I have no idea if that is what I'm going to end up doing tonight but the pull is strong. The problem is that I have a meeting with two people tomorrow to talk about what I'm going to do (these will be part of my support network) and I don't want any new marks for them to find. On top of that I go and see my mother in a couple of weeks for the Easter break for a family meal and I just don't want to have to hide any marks. There is no way in two weeks the marks will have disappeared enough for me not to have to hide them.

Since I got home from work almost two hours ago I've been trying to work out what it is that is making me feel bad. I know I'm worried about tomorrow and telling these two people about what's going on for me. That will make four people who know exactly what is going on. That within itself is completely stressing me out. I hate people knowing so much about me on this level. What I don't get as well is why people care? I am nothing, I don't do anything fantastic, I sit and mope, I don't accomplish anything, I am not important enough for people to care. I just don't understand why these people want to support me. Both N and S never even thought about it when I asked them if they were willing to support me they just instantly said yes. I don't get it. Why? Why would they want to support a fucked up person such as me, I honestly don't get it.

Another thing that has stressed me out is that my manager (H) at work wants 'The Team' at work to undertake this course that she and L had done that did great things for them personally and spiritually. I don't want to do it. If it brings things up that I can't deal with who knows what sort of mess I'll end up in. I can barely get through a day, I exhausted every day just because I have to be around people, and I have to deal with their problems. It takes so much of me not to just collapse down and cry. I don't want to do this course, but if they make 'The Team' do it, I have no choice I will have to be there. I'm not doing psychotherapy at the moment because I have no coping mechanisms to deal with any issues it will bring up so I have to do something else so I can learn to develop coping mechanism. At what point do they think that this course will be a good idea for me...... I have to tell them this at some point fuck knows how I'm going to do that.

I'm all stressed out because too many people know what I'm going through. Some days I feel well and I will tell people.... this is suppose to be a good thing as I need to learn to share things and be open and honest with people (and of course learn to trust), the problem is I don't like it. I don't like the feeling that I'm relaying on people. I don't like giving people that power over me. It's just getting too much. If I don't tell people though (especially those who know to this point) how I'm feeling or what's going on they worry about me, and that freaks me out even more.

I'm also worried because I'm not eating again. I've lost nearly a half stone in just two weeks. This is not good. I hadn't realised that I was eating then I weighed myself and saw my weight and then realised just what I had been doing. Work has just been so stressful that I don't want to eat, so I don't. I have no one who is watching what I eat or how much I eat. I eat at work so that H doesn't worry about me (even then it's usually just a croissant). When I get back to the flat I just don't bother eating. The Boys don't notice. Hell I've barely seen them over the past three weeks. They haven't even noticed my new weight loss. At this point it's becoming obvious that I'm losing weight again. A concern is that I like this not eating. I'm not in pain, I'm not bloated, I don't feel uncomfortable... in fact I feel good. Tired but good.

My feelings for S are out of control. I hadn't seen him for three weeks due to me staying in bed all the time but also due to the fact when I'm in he's out and when he's out I'm in... we're just ships passing in the night. So last Wednesday (before I was ready really) I went out with him and his work colleges. It was a nice night I must admit although it really exhausted me to be around so many people... but I digress. I got to the pub and I saw him there. My heart skipped a beat and my breath was taken away. I'm glad he didn't spot me at that point or else I fear he would have worked out exactly how I felt about him. I can't control the way my body reacts about him. When he's around my stomach turns summer saults, my heart flutters and feels as though it's going to explode out of my body and I can feel myself blush when he talks to me. It's insane. I've only known this guy for about 17 months. How can I feel like this?

I ought to tell someone all of this, one of The Boys maybe but I just can't bring myself to do that. I want to cry but I'm too scared that The Boys will hear and come to my room and try and comfort me. I want to cut but I'm so fed up of hiding marks. I forgot my arm warmers at work and spent ages trying to hide my arms until there was an appropriate time where I could go back to the flat and get them. The marks ain't overly visible until my arms get really hot or really cold, which at the moment is that only two temperatures my body can do. Then the angry read marks show their nasty head and I have to hide them. I just wish all of this was easier to deal with, that I could go phone someone and just say 'I feel shite, I don't know why, I just do, can you keep me company'. You wouldn't think it was a hard thing to do, but it is.

At some point I have a feeling I will have to tell my mother all of this stuff. Currently the people I have told only know because I either work for them or I'm sharing a flat with them. So they need to know as it could affect them in a direct way. It just all fucking sucks and I wish I could do something to stop it all... take it all back. I want to pretend none of this is going on because it was so much easier then. Since I've been talking about it I feel so much worse, I feel claustrophobic, I feel out of control and my moods are so much worse. I have things I need to do but can not bring myself to do them..... I HATE BEING ME RIGHT HOW.

Heart of Misery

I don't want to feel anything today
(I don't want to feel anything today)
Anything at all and just be alone
(I just want to know that you want to know)
I don't want to live through another day
(I don't want to live through another day)
Meaningless to fight for the victory
I just want to dive in the heart of misery

One love, One life
Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight
Locked me in the heart of misery

I will never be anything again
(I will never be anything again)
I'm tired to give, I don't want to try
(I'm afraid to live, I'm afraid to die)
I just want to fly, throw it all away
(I just want to fly, throw it all away)
Meaningless to fight for your sympathy
I just want to drown in the heart of misery

One love, One life
Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight
Locked me in the heart of misery

Heart of Misery: The Rasmus

I gave in last night, I just couldn't help myself. I thought I was so tired that I just couldn't cry any more, I couldn't feel any more and all I could do was sleep. I have spent so much time in bed at the moment. I get up as late as possible and go to bed as early as possible. I just couldn't stay awake. Interacting with people just made me feel worst. It zapped my energy more. Then I had a bad shift at work, I even had a few people come up to me and tell me that I wasn't myself and they wanted to know what was wrong. I just told them I was overly tired. I got home and I was determined to go to bed.

However, I was in the flat by myself, no one else was home. I put my music on (thru headphones), I drew my curtains, sat in the dark and before I knew it I started to cry, I honestly thought I couldn't cry any more but I did. I sobbed and more water came out my eyes than I thought was possible. The I reached for my razor. I held it between my fingers, turning it around and around, weaving it in and out. Then I took it in my left hand, I had no power to resit it's song to me, I placed it into my skin and I dragged it across. It felt good, but what shocked me was the fact it really hurt. It doesn't usually hurt until I start calming down. This hurt though, I could feel the pain. Rather than only three of four cuts, I did thirteen cuts. Although I hurt, it felt wonderful, the pain was euphoric, the blood was fun to watch as it came out as ruby droplets. I do not regret what I have done, I just thought that my will was stonger than this. However, I do except the fact that I have been slowly getting worse for weeks. I no longer just think of self harming, but of other things.

The strange thing is that I have felt better today, not fantastic, and I don't think I'll not manage to cut myself again tonight. I feel like the storm in my head is slowing down, blowing itself out. I'm glad I have another day to try and calm my head down and raise my energy levels before I have to face another week at work.

We also have a team day on Wednesday and I really don't want to go, so many people are going to be there, and it's hard enough to cover marks from people who know what I do, but the whole team and trustees, what the hell am I going to do. I also have to spend the day with her the person who has caused me so much pain, and still causing me pain, and still filling me with hatred and bile. I would really like it if I could let it go but I can't.

All I can think about it getting my razor and cutting again. The pain is like nothing I've felt before, and I want it again. I know I need to tell someone, any one but I'm scared they'll take this away from me. The one thing that actually makes me feel something, feel something positive and they'll take it away from me. I don't want that. I'm going to keep this to myself for a while. Why should I let someone take this away from me.

Physcotherapy

I know I haven't said much about this, and in fact most of me talking about it has happened on my other blog. But with what came up at my meeting last Tuesday, I don't feel I can write over there, or tell anyone. If someone, who knows I went, asks me about it I just tell them everything was 'fine'. The really answer to that question is not fine, in fact it's the complete opposite. My head is feeling like it's about to explode.

I was okay after the meeting, but then again I was going straight to work so I really couldn't think too much about what was said, but different aspects of the meeting kept popping into my head. I didn't want them too because I had to open for the youth and I couldn't collapse in front of them. So I pushed them from my concious brain. This was fine until I got home.

I got back to the flat, and the first thing I did was to open an alcoholic drink and within minutes I had drunk it, so I opened a second. Now I hadn't eaten all day. This isn't a good thing for me, I'm meant to be eating, my system can't take me not eating. If I don't keep my food intake up I'm going to become really ill, but that's by-the-by. The alcohol went straight to my head and the meeting came back to me and started to swim in my head. I was getting agitated. I could recognise it in myself. I wanted my razor, I reached for it and kept it beside me.

Basically what came out of the meeting is the following:

1. I'm in the high risk category for committing suicide. This has completely fucked with my head. I don't feel suicidal. Sure I want to cut myself but there is a difference between cutting yourself and being suicidal. But still the therapist is worried that I might take that I step further and actually end my life. Then I looked back at my last attempt. That did come out of nowhere. I hadn't cut for quite a while, I was in a dark place... certainly darker than I am now.... but I hadn't thought about it. I just did it. I wrote a will, instructions for what to do, how to tell people etc.... but I just did it. This time though I have just thought about it once, so I'm thinking I don't want to do it.
2. The therapist wanted to convince me that I was jealous of my sister, because she has a relationship, is getting married, has the house etc. I have to say although one day I would like that, I'm not ready for it right now and I don't want it. Maybe five or six years down the line, but certainly not now. The therapist couldn't understand why I wasn't jealous though.
3. My biological other half and my feeling towards him, confused the therapist. She wanted to make out I was angry at him, that I was hurting because he wasn't around. How can I feel like that, I have no idea what it means to have two parents. I never had it, I have no memories of him. She asked if I had any photos and I said yes I did. She asked how I felt when I saw his in them. I said I felt nothing. She didn't like that, she wrote something on her pad and that was that.
4. She asked what would I be like in group therapy. I told her I wouldn't like that at all. I don't trust and there is no way I would open up to a group of people. I would be hard enough if it was just one person. She said how I had open up to her. I said that I've told her things most people know about me. Nothing I've told her is a secret.
5. We also talked about my cutting. We only talked about that because it's on my medical notes. This is when the whole suicide thing came up. We didn't talk a lot about it, we will do that at the next meeting, but she asked me what I felt when I did it. So I tried to remember what it was I did feel when I cut. The problem is that I don't often know what I feel, there is so much there that I can't name everything I feel. She also asked about how I cut. I told her slow and deliberate. As I calm down the cuts get less deep and lighter. Less blood.
6. We talked about the mask I put on for the world to see. The happy go lucky nothing bothers me mask. The mask I will show everyone because I don't want them to see me crumbling inside. I don't want people to know just how crap I am feeling.
   
7. We never really talked about work. We did talk a little and she said that it must be exhausting for me, emotionally as well as physically (teenagers are not easy). She said it must be equally exhausting because I have this mask on that the world sees. So I have two lots draining what energy I have. None of this is easy.
8. We talked about how crap school was for me.
9. We also talked about physcotherapy itself and how it's about accepting what one feels and examining ones life, what happened and how things from the past can affect us etc. This can be very hard if you have a persecution complex. I didn't think I had this, but she explained it that if I had ever thought 'if it happens to anyone, it's happen to me' or 'why does this always happen to me' or 'why bother doing that it's only go wrong anyway', then you have this complex. Well that's me down to a T. So I'm going to struggle. But if I don't do this, what's left for me. What more can I do? What do I need to do to get better? I can't keep going on like this.
   

As all this was going around and around my head I got more and more agitated. I'm not sure why though. I picked up my empty bottle and in tears and anger I let out a scream and threw it at my wall. I didn't smash, so I tried again. It still didn't smash. I fell to the floor in tears because even that I couldn't get right. (In the cold light of day I worked out why, the plaster is too soft for it to smash, all I have now is huge dents in my wall and missing plaster work which I must fill in at some point).

I cried for hours. I don't think my flatmates heard me, they didn't make any issue of it. In fact I haven't seen them all week to see if they noticed anything. All week this stuff and more has been going around and around and around and around and around and around my head and I just can't get it to stop. My next appointment isn't until the 26th.

What I have to think about is if this is the right thing for me to do, and if it is I have to sign a piece of paper that says I won't attempt to kill myself. I will be given a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) and a number to call when I'm in crisis at 3 in the morning. I may even have to go back on meds.

What have I got myself into, why did I get into such a mess. My life wasn't meant to be like this. Where is the happy girl I used to be. I want her back.

Valentines Day

I think I did a really stupid thing. I sent my flatmate an anonymous valentines card. I got someone else to write it, and post it so it wasn't my handwriting and it wasn't with a local postmark.

Part of me wants him to work out it was from me, but part of me wishes I never had the idea and that I never sent it. It didn't turn up today, which means it'll probably turn up tomorrow.

I think it has to be the dumbest idea I have ever thought off and acted upon... why did I have to be so stupid!!!!!

Romance & Relationships

I have had crushes in the past, I have felt things for guys in the past. That I can not deny. Yes, each time they have been unrequited and it's annoyed me.

However this time it's so different. I don't know if it's because I know him so well, or because I spend a lot of time with him or this is the real deal, but I have such strong feelings for him. I look at him and I just want him to put his arms around me and kiss my neck. Now this is something special as I have a phobia of people touching my neck and tend to freak out if it's touch. I was to snuggle into him when we're watching TV or I'm reading a book. Most of all though, I actually think of taking him to bed. I have never felt that way about anyone in the past. When he's not around I do more than miss him, I ache to the point I can barely breathe. When I hear him or smell him I instantly feel happy and perk up. If he's not around I feel hollow and empty.

How can anyone feel like this about someone they are not in a relationship with I just don't understand. I want to ask him out, but the fear of things changing between us, the fear of rejection is just so big. I couldn't handle it if things got funny between us, I really couldn't. It's not what I want between us, but at least I have friendship with him. I pray every night that something between us will change, that he will ask me out, or kiss me or I have the guts to ask him if there was any way that he felt the same way as me.

He has never given me any indication that he has any romantic feelings towards me at all. We've talked about relationships in the past and he says he doesn't want one. I suppose that should be my cue to get over him, but I can't. I want him so much, every atom and neutron in my body cries out for him. I have written to him so many times about how I feel but yet I never have the guts to give it to him or email him.

I hate the way I feel and the fact I can't let him go, I wish I could more than anything else in the world. I don't want to feel like this any more (unless I know he feels the same way but since I'm never going to find that out, it's not worth thinking about).

Feelings, relationship and Trust pt 1

I don't like to use the Love word. I think it gets used to much in life when people don't really mean it or people don't really understand what it means, not to it's fullest.

I have never been in Love, I have never had (other than family) a loving relationship where the person I am with loves me back, I have never been touched by a man (other than kissing). The thought of being with someone so completely like that does scare me. Not sex itself, but being so close, to allow someone to get so close to you that they know you at your core. That scares me.

I've talked about this in my other blog, but a lot of the problem is not Love itself but Trust. I have trust issues and I don't trust easily.

What I really want to talk about though is that I need to get away from S, although we share a flat together, as much as possible I have to not see him, not talk to him, not smell him, not hear him. If I can get far enough away from him perhaps I can forget my feelings for him. Although he is the only guy I have ever thought about having sex with.

I like S so much, but he has never shown any interest in me in a romantic kind of way. This Christmas I bought him a gift, I did for him birthday and last Christmas, he's always got me something for Christmas and for my birthday. But this year, for what ever reason he didn't get me anything. I know Christmas is not about gifts but I thought out of everyone I know he would be the one person who would get me something, he's the only one that matters. It sounds so shallow of me, and so petty but it really hurts that he got me nothing, not even a card. My other flat mate didn't get me anything, but then he never had, but I thought S and I were different. It's just not doing me any favours having these feelings for him. It needs to stop.

If you know a pill that could make these feelings go away, please let me know. I hate them. I don't want them any more, I really don't.

review

2007 was spectacularly shit, I actually took up cutting and it was like meeting an old friend I hadn't seen in along time. I know that this friend could get me into a lot of trouble, but I had forgotten (not completely) how this old friend makes me feel better and helps me to cope when things are not going so well. This is the only way I cope with the shite that life threw at me last year. Cutting is very strange, it calms me down so quickly, looking at old scars you can tell in each round when I start to feel better because the cuts get smaller and lighter. I always sleep fantastically well after I've cut. That's now content it makes me feel.

Most people, while growing up, have a friend that their parents don't like and wish that you didn't hang around with. That's what cutting is to me, a friend who means so much to me and helps me in so many ways, but can get me into a lot of trouble, especially by those who know that I cut.

I still have not told my mother about the depression or the cutting this time around, nor have I told her that I'm about to undertake the psycho therapy. This does scare me but I know if I want to lead anything resembling a normal life, where I deal with things in a way that I don't cut then I need to do this. Saying that however I have been told that I may never give up the cutting. This could be with me for the rest of my life, something I don't relish but something I might have to accept. I had accepted that I would properly struggle with depression on and off for the rest of my life, but cutting I thought I had got rid off. Then it came back, it all came back.

So this year I have to work on the following

1. My Self Esteem - I come across as a really positive and confident person, but I'm not. I'm now where need these things. I constantly look for reassurance but hate being praised and I hate people giving me compliments. I also don't believe that I deserve happiness, I think that's why I don't tell S or even hint at him how I feel.
2. Friends - I have to stop taking it so personally when friends don't try and make the time to spend time together. I can only do so much before I give up. This Christmas I have decided that I will no longer run around after people like a little lost dog trying to spend time with people who obviously don't want to spend time with me. I give up. If they want to see me they can contact me. I just don't have the energy any more.
3. Mental Health - I will work hard this year to try and get better in the mental health department, I will try and be honest with the psycho team and my support network and deal with the stress' of life in a more constructive way. I have had some sessions with CMHT (community mental health team) and I wasn't exactly truthful with them, not was I truthful with my support network. CMHT asked me if I ever thought any further than cutting (ie ending my life), I told them I didn't. In truth although I would never do it seriously or even attempt it, I did wonder who would notice if I ended my life. Would it be hours, days, weeks or months before anyone noticed that I wasn't around any more. Who would really morn my death? Other than the family? I should have told them this but I just couldn't. But with the Psycho team I will need to tell them things like this so I can get all the help I need.
   
4. Trust - I will try and learn to trust people this year, I need to start taking risks by allowing people through my walls and let people in. I will not be easy and I may not like it to begin with but I have to start letting people in or else I really will walk this world alone.
5. Love - I need to open my heart to love and to let people know if I have feelings for them. I'm not saying what I feel for S is the L word, but I certainly have strong feelings for S and I miss him when he's not around, when he is around my heart beats fast, I get hot and sweaty and I get butterflies in my stomach. L is a word I will not use lightly and need to think a lot about.

So that's what I'm going to try and do for 2008.

Crapola

I tried, I really did. I tried so hard to find the positives in my life. I want to be a positive person, I want to try and enjoy life, I want to not dwell on the shitty things that happen. I want to be normal. I know that life will always have it's ups and downs but I want to enjoy my ups and not worry so about the downs.

I really did try but it wasn't to be. My asthma is playing up, I've scared my flat mates stupid, S looks at me as if he's a rabbit in headlights! I've been stalked again freaking myself out, for no reason as it's all stopped now, I told S more than I should have done about how I'm feeling, and to top it all off my uncle has bowel cancer.

The thing is no-one in my family survives cancer. No One. I reckon he'll be dead within the next 12 months. I want to be positive but the chances of his survival is so slim. He was three children the youngest is 14. My uncle is 60, he also has two older son's in their 30s. A wife that loves him. And there is me. I have my sister who I don't have a relationship, a mother who once gone will mean I have no family. I don't have a partner, I don't have kids. Why couldn't I get it. It's not like I've got anything to loose while my uncle has everything to loose.

It's so unfair. I wish I could talk to someone about how I'm feeling but I can't because I've scared people enough as it is, how can I tell them all of this. How can I tell them that I would take it on if I could. I would die so he can live. I have nothing to live for, he has everything. How can I tell people that?!

I want to be a positive person, I do but how do I do that. Why can't I see the positive in my life, why do I keep finding the shittiness, how can I change the way I think and the way I feel. I don't deserve the life I have!

urg

Regardless how hard I try to stay on top of things.... it just never works out that way. I have worked so hard over the years to deal with my depression, to stop the overdosing and to stop cutting. A few months ago when I found myself almost cutting again I went to the doctors to seek help, I talked to my manager about it. I had taken so many leaps forward and was really impressed and proud of myself for dealing appropriately with all of this.

Now though, only a few months down the line, it's got worse. I've taken so many steps backwards it's weird. I actually did cut myself this time. I didn't even feel it as the blade went it. The blood came but no pain. This time however I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to go the the doctors, I don't want to talk to my manager about it. I don't want to do anything about it. I know, however, deep inside me I know, that I must face and deal with it all but I just can't and I don't want to. I want too pretend none of it happened, but it's hard when there are two marks on your arm showing the world what you've done. Currently I'm hiding them with long sleeves.

Good bye to the old, hello to the new.

It's no secret that I find life hard, I have my ups and I have my downs. A comment happened today and it really got to me, got to me a lot more than it should have.  My mother was asked about being a grandmother.  My mother said it was unlikely that she would ever be a grandmother.  My sister apparently doesn't want kids, and me well it'll be a miricle if I ever get a guy.  It wasn't said like that but it was insinuated.

I want to be a mother, I look forward to the day I become a mother, but there are probelms with this.  When I do be come a mother I want to be married, I want to marry someone I love and I trust.  The problem I am afraid of being in a relationship.  I am afriad of all that goes with the relationship emosionally and physically.  I am 26, I've not been in any sort of relationship since I was 18.  I've never had sex.  I'm so afraid.  I'm afraid of never knowing a male touch, I'm afriad of never knowing love, I'm afraid I will never be a mother but most of all I'm afraid of being close to someone, sharing my life someone, that someone will know me so well that they know what I'm thinking, I'm afraid of change.

I want to be a mother, I want to know love, I want to have sex but I am so afraid of everything that it hinders me, it stops me going out there and meeting people and just living.  It's so stupid I know but I can't help who or what I am.  So what am I to do?  I'm so afriad that I will love so much and then they will leave because I am not good enough for them, because I can not satisfy them, that I can not be what they need.

I almost wrote a letter to santa, not because I believe in him, but because I believe that Christmas is a time of magic, that at Christmas anything can happen, so I almost wrote a letter to santa saying that next year all I wanted for Christmas 2007 is to find love, to loose all my inhibitions and to find someone I wanted to spend my life with, even if marriage never happened, I wanted to loose my inhibitions and my fear.  I wrote it but tore it up.  How dumb is that! To write a letter for something that can only happen if I actually do something about it.  I know that nothing in this world get's handed to you on a plate.  If you want something you have to go out and get it.  It will never just be given to you as Hollywood like to try and make us believe!  Things will only change when I make them change.

So here's to 2007 and things changing!

I know I don't post here often, 
but then again I feel most of the time 
I don't need to post here. 
On the whole I can post on my normal blog 
and everything is fine, 
but for some reason I can't post everything 
I want to post on that blog. 
I think it's because I've let too many people who 
*know* me know of this blog, 
and I can't post what I want to post there.

As a result this blog has tended to be very negative, 
and I'm afraid it ain't ever going to change. 
I like having this blog here to get rid of all my negative feelings. 
If you feel you can't read something  negative, 
tough luck.  
It ain't going to change.

My life has it's ups and downs, they all do I know that, I've excepted that.  
But because I've been depressed I tend to take things too seriously and too personally.  
I know I do but it still doesn't stop one from  feeling like crap when things go wrong.

For instance at the moment I just feel as though the world is going on around me and 
I'm looking in at the window wishing I was there.  
No matter how hard I try to get in and be apart of if, I just break the window and another window comes up in it's place and there I am again wishing I was part of the world I am looking in on through the window.  

I know I shouldn't complain.  
I do have a life, of sorts, granted 80% is based on the net through my role playing,
but I have a life,
I know many people don't have anything but the TV.  
I have more than that, but that doesn't keep you warm on a night,
can't hold you when you're crying,
can't cheer you up when you're feeling like shit.   
As much as I hate to admit it everyone, 
inclidng myself, 
needs someone, 
someone to hold, 
someone to share their life.  
What is that quote from 'About A Boy'?... I remember.... 'No man is an island'.   

It's true, and I hate it.  
No man is an island,
everyone needs something,
but how can you have something when something comes and fucks it up.  
I can't keep going like this, it's driving me nuts.  
I want a solid group of friends.    
I want to be apart of the world not looking in on it.  
I don't want to be pushed aside because I have faith,
because I have morals,
because I am single.  
Am I wrong for wanting this?  
Am I wrong to feel that at some point I should be important to some people,
as a friend,
as a human being?

Cutting

God it felt good.

To feel the scissors over my skin, pushing down, feeling the pain going through. Unfortunatly they were to blunt to cut.

I miss it, I crave it, I hate it, it scares me.

Can I really go back there? Is there somewhere I want to be? Can I do that to myself?

Someone please make it okay again.

Update on stuff

My last post was very negative, very honest but still very nagative. My manager adn I did go out for the drink and I talked, and I mean I really talked about what was going on in my head about work and about my co-worker. We really talked, I cried, she cried but we both really appreciated having each other there. Last week I had to finnish the apraisal with my manager's manager, and I have to admit I didn't trust her, but my manager told me that it was okay and I should just talk about everything like we had. So I did, and although I hadn't meant to I did cry. My manager told me later it was probably the best thing I could have done so that her manager could see just how painful working with my co-worker was.

Anyway with such a positive apraisal I have discovered just how much it has taught me about myself. I've said it before but I've never been able to talk about negative feelings, I've never even felt as though I was allowed negative feelings and to do something about it was uncalled for. This had given me the confidence to change things in my life. I feel high on life, adn a natural high. I finally know what it feels like to beat depression. Best of all it's got nothing to do with medication, I did it with my close friends and my faith in God.

I thank God for sending me to this place. I have learnt so much about myself and moving forward. Praise God.

Update

I've never found having depression easy, and people who know me know that I have struggled with it for a very long time. Sometimes I cope with it, but sometimes I don't, and when things get bad, they really get bad. Touch wood I've not self harm for over a year. I'm really impressed by that.

My co-worker is suffereing from depression and he was talking about it so I told him a little about mine. He told me that if I prayed to God that he would take it away from me, he told me thats whta he does and it works. If it works then why is he on meds. But what really made me furious was the fact he indicated to me that it was my fault I was depressed and if I prayed to God about it that I would no longer suffer from depression. That works for him... he's medicated.. I'm not.

I just got so angry at him but never told him so.. i have to work with this jerk. He was making out that I wasn't a believer and it's my fault I suffer. He went out for a bit and I just threw scissors around and threw chairs around. I WAS JUST SO FUCKING ANGRY, it's been a couple of hours and I'm still shaking I'm that angry.

I mean how dare he. I believe that God will help me but he wants me to learn soemthing first, just like a parent who knows that their child has to burn themselves once so that the child understands that fire is bad. Sometimes you have to go through the rough so that you learn and become a better person. This is what I believe God is doing with me. He gives me all the tools to get through it but it's up to me to take those tools and to get myself out of it, he won't just hand me the solution on the plate or else how can I learn and improve myself. I know what God is trying to teach me and what he wants me to do, but I'm too subbon and feel too unconfortable by the challenge he has set. I know that if I took the challange my life will change for the better, but I just can't do that yet... just like a smoker who isn't ready to quite smoking. You have to be ready or you won't get anything out of the challenge only resentment and proberbly end up in a worse state than before.

I'm just not ready to take the challenge God has put in front of me. But he has given me the strength to acknowledge that I do suffer from depression and that I do need help. The rest will come but God knows that I have to be ready, I believe he knows I can do it know, but I have not go the self-confidence to go through with it now, but if I do my self-confidence will grow expenencially. It's a viscious circle I have gotton myself into, God is giving me the tools to get out, I'm just not sure I'm ready to do it yet.

I think part of me enjoys the depression because at least with it I have something. I know that doesn't make sence but it make sense to me.

So how dare my co-worker say I have to faith in God and his power. God gave me free will, God can not force me to take the challenge and improve myself, much like he can't force people to believe in him and follow his path. We are all unique and we all have free will.

I so angry, I still have to work with him this evening and all I want to do is stab him. What the hell I'm I going to do? If I'm up to it I'll try and post this evening about how I managed.
----
A few hours later....
-----
So I spent some time this afternoon praying to God for the strength to cope with my co-worker and that I had the strength to let the anger to go. I got to the cafe first and I honestly felt angry still and really didn't know how I was going to cope and then something amazing happened, I saw my co-worker and all my anger disappeared. Thank you God.
____
My boss and I are going out for coffee after Easter to talk about how the job is making me feel and try and sort things out so that I'm not so unhappy.

I believe that God is trying to tell me that it's okay to talk about feelings, and to have negative feelings. I have to accept that, take it on board, and learn from the challenge he is setting in front of me.

I just don't understand

Lately everything I come accross just seams to piss me off, and I don't understand why. I'm always angry and I can cope until night. Night's always been the hardest part for me though. I want to be able to go to bed relaxed, and not angry and not thinking about....... stuff.

The one thing that stops me doing anything is my mother. I still live with her and I would hate it if she saw what I do to myself. I don't think she would understand. She would just look at me disappointedly and just pretend it's not happening and that I'm just being silly. Which in some way is true, I am being silly but it's taking every bit of self control not to find something to cut myself with. To cut out the anger.

But another part of me (a small part) misses the attention I got when I cut. I always thought that I did it to make myself feel better, not so I get attention, but part of me does miss that. The way people fussed around me, wouldn't leave me alone when I was dangourous. I hated them for it but I do miss it. I hate to admit it but I do.

What I really miss though is the control, and how well I would sleep after I cut. Everything would stop after three or four (sometimes more) cuts. I could sleep, relax and just feel good. Then of course I would wake up and see the results of the night before and hate myself for what I have done to myself.

I supose what I really want, more than anything else in the world is just to stop feeling so angry. Stop getting pissed off at everything. Or if I do get pissed of I wish I knew how to voice it without getting violent or shouting my head of at people. I'm turning into someone I hate and I don't know what I can do about it.

The easiest thing is to deny it, pretend it wasn't happening and that worked for me for a long time. I never cut, never felt angry, I just got depressed, but I wouldn't recognise it in myself and just tried to carry on as normal but didn't do it succesfuly. I was defensive and sometimes just downright unpleasent. Then my friend died. Because he took his own life everything changed. EVERYTHING. How I saw myself, how I saw my faith, how I saw my 'friends', my family. I reassed everything and the more I did the worse I got. That's when the cutting came it. I couldn't cope with the years of crap the lay behind me, and I just couldn't let it go..... in a lot of ways I still can't. I try to let it go, but when it's such a big part of you, part that you ignored for years, you just can't switch it off. I wish there was a button that could stop all of this.

The thing to make it all stop, completely stop I mean, there is only one way. To die. But I don't want to. There is so much in the world for me to see, for me to do, and I'm not ready to give up on all of that, unlike my two friends who commit suicide and my hero. I really don't want death. I really don't. But at the same time I'm have problems getting out of bed in the morning, of smiling, of talking to people, I am turning into a recluse and there is no one to stop me. But how can I live life if I am a recluse from everyone around me. How can life be full and meaningful if all I have is me?

I just wish I can get the bad feelings to stop that I could get up in the morning and just be happy. I know that can't happen 24/7 and honestly I don't want be be happy 24/7 life would be boring. I just have a lot more days were I just want to stay in bed then I do wanting to get out of bed.

I know this isn't making much sense, but then again I'm just typing and letting the thoughts and the words come out of my mind and on to the screen so they won't make much sense but at least this way I have a starting point when I become serious about sorting out my mind and wanting a better life for myself. I have learnt that running away from my problems will not help me in any way in fact they just follow you. The feelings of the past don't go away, and it no longer works to ingnore them, as much as I would want that to happen.

If you have some insight please let me know.

Numb

Runaway Train by Soul Asylum

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same

My job is okay, although a little tedious but that should change next year providing we get the okay on the 24th Dec. My social life is alright. I'm not getting to sleep by crying every night. I don't smoke, but saying that something happened not so long ago that concerned me and now I can't seam to get it out of my mind ad with me finding the song above which I've not heard for years has left me concerned, worried, anxious, unsettled about what is going on in my head.

The lines "IT's just easier than dealing with the pain" "Runaway train never going back , Wrong way on a one way track, Seems like I should be getting somewhere, Somehow I'm neither here no there " and "Run away but it always seams the same" These lyrics have been going over and over in my head add with that the spidode of "Everwood" where a charactor called Colin got frustrated and he cut himself. I found myself missing that. The control, the pain, the cut, the adrenaline, the comfort. I realised I miss all of this, I miss what it offered me.

I really don't know what this all means. I know I've begun to crave the cut and those lyrics are calling to me, so strongly are they calling me. I almost find myself wishing I was back there but I couldn't tell you why. Part of me is scared but there isa larger part of me that is excited by it all. I know what this sounds like, I really do, as I write this I am confused about what I am feeling and why. All I know for sure if that when he cur himself I wanted to be cut and that sond is all I can focus on.

---

I wrote the above last night. I was concerned about what I wrote so I spent some time reflecting on it and I think I finally worked it out. I don't feel. Not really feel. I do all the surface emosion stuff that one needs to do to get through life and to ensure people don't see what is really happening inside, but I haven't felt anything inside for an age. I suppose that's why I want to cut. At least when I do that I feel things. I feel things on the inside.

I have often thought about cutting, just little cuts, not slashing my wrists or anything like that, but to get a piece of glass, or a razor or even a pair of scissors and just to make a little cut, just enough so that it hurts and it bleeds. I've never given in to it, but I do think about it. I try and keep myself busy so that I don't think about it, but like most things, it's the nights that are hard, when you've slowed down to sleep, you're brain starts bringing forward things it wants you to think about. I've started reciting my times tables to help me to sleep, (which is sorta good because I'm finally learning my times table!).

I know how this all sounds but it's not as bad as you may think I promise. I'm not doing anything, I'm not crying, I'm not overdosing, in fact it's the other side of things. I'm not doing anything. I'm just numb.

Blogs

I have two blogs. This is because too many people I know read my other one and I didn't feel I could write on it any more, well write about issues that were annoying me, so I created this one.

The thing is my life took a turn for the better, as a result having this second site annoys me. I don't have enough material for the two, so I'm going to let this one slide until things get bad again and I need to write things that my other blog can not handle, this many never happen.

So if you would like a link to my other blog please leave your email in my comments box. As soon as I recieve it I will delete it and send you the link to the other sight.

I will not be posting so much on this site.

Yet another dream

I had another one of my dreams last night. It felt so real. It's insane how I want this to happen to me. This can not be normal.

I can still feel and remember the entire thing in detail. These dreams are dreams that I alway's remember in detail. Other dreams fade, but not these. These dreams awake something up inside of me. Make me feel real. Isn't it insane the way that for me to feel real I have to dream, be alseep. That is not normal at all. I know that, we all know that. But I can't help the way I feel.

Germany was bad. It didn't do much for me. I became really depressed at one point, and thought about cutting myself. In fact the only thing that stopped me was my inability to find something to cut myself with. I cried and cried. I couldn't cope. I had to spend one day locked in my room crying and sleeping to feel even slightly better. Then I drank myself to sleep. I have to find a better way of dealing with these feelings.

I also have some other news, but that needs to wait unti next week. I promised I would tell people until I have told one special person. One I've told them I will blab it all to the world.

Update

Things are going okay. My parish priest has gone away for a while and hopfully this will mean that my mother will relax a wee bit and will manage to climb the ever increasing mountain of paper work that appears on her desk. With the priest being so ill, mam has found it hard to get any work done, he wants things read to him (since his eye sight is shot), he wants the know what's going on so Mam keeps running up and down the stairs doing what ever it is he needs, but this means that the mountain is not being scaled.

She came home last night, she managed to finish to files. She only has another 10 to go!

I'm sitting in my office, desperately trying to get my report written but I have no enegy to do it whatsoever. I just want to sleep, relax and find out what the hell is wrong with my computer. Currently I am at work typing this, procrastinating from my report.

Never mind, having my legs waxes later on today, and next thursday I fly out to Germany for World Youth Day for 12 days. Life's not all bad, at times.

I've had one hell of a week

I have to appoligise for the state of this post, but I have had almost half a bottle of wine on an empty stomach.

Before you read on there are two facts you need to know:
1. I have been taking St. John's wart for te past couple of days
2. You shouldn't drink while on this stuff.
Appoligise here and now in advance, I'm going to regret this in the moringl.

OUr parish priest was taken ill into hospital at the beginning of this week. He is in his late 60s, he's doing a highly stressful job (he's not just a parish priest), yesterday we discovered he has indeed had a stroke, but this afternoon he was allowed home. This doesn't supprise me, he doesn't like NHS hospital, so as soon as he could he came home. He can't see to well, it seams to be the only think that this stroke has affected, his sight I mean.

So he was at home this evening. While he was in hospital I didn't push to see him, although every part of me was aching too. Now he was home I almost demanded I see him. It's not like he's an aquaintance to the family. He is a family member to me, an uncle, a grandfather, a father. It's really hard to explain my relationship with him, but needless to say he is a close family member. So he is now home and I went to see him. He looks so well, better than he has looked in quite a while. The only thing is he can't see too well. If you want to him to see anything you have to place it in front of him, even then it's not in focus. So we were sitting around the table and the wine was open. I don't drink wine, but on this occation I thought I would. I liked this wine so I drank half a bottle. I haven't eaten since lunch (even then it wasn't a great lunch, Crisps and a bakewell tart). Add to that the St John's wart the wine has gone to my head.

I am glad too see him. Everything is still in the air but I feel more positive for the future, this doesn't not mean however that I will stop taking St. John's wart (what a name for an anti depressant).

In a way I'm glad I was confortable to start taking the St. John's again, but a bigger part of me is heart broken that I wasn't strong enough to cope with what's been going on by myself. I alway's seam to have to turn to the medication to cope with anything. This sucks because it proves that I am not strong, if fact I am a wimp. Can't deal with anything life throws at me. It really does suck.

Usually I won't touch alchohl but I felt I needed it after the week I've had, I just couldn't cope without it any more, which of cause has made me feel worse, espcially since I have st. John's in my system. Why can't I be stronger? No one else had to to take anything to cope, but I do. I'm just a waste of space. Nothing I do is right, nothing I plan works right. I hate it.

All I want to do with my life is be a Catholic Youth Worker within a parish. It's not a major request but God keeps testing my faith, and I'm not sure I'm going to past this one. I've gone through a lot with my faith over the year, trusting that God knows better, that I am doing the right thing. I have questioned God's way, I have got angry at him, I have HATED him, but I've alway's gone back. How many more times must I go through these tests until he is done with me?

When is it my turn to feel contented?

When is it my turn to feel happy with my life?

There are times I really dispise being me?

Old Aquaintances

Once again my past came and haunted me. There was a girl there who I used to go to school with. She was a year younger than me. Now we got on very well, but she alway's had this 'holyer than thou' complex about her. I don't think she meant anything by it, but her mother was always the same. I think part of it was that this girl came from a well to do background, private schooling, only child and had two parents. While I on the other hand was single parent, state school and we were brought up on benefits. She always had an air about her, looking down her nose at us. I really don't think she even knows she does it. All the same though, it bugged me, but I didn't want to rock the boat, in those day's having anyone being nice to me, I accepted. Regardless of the strings attached, I was just happy that someone was being nice.

Tonight I went for a reading of a play that I'm hoping to be apart of. Which was a lot of fun and there is a number of parts I'll happily go for. This girl was there. Once again she looked down her nose at me. She really was quite condesending, on a number of occations. I was civil, but these day's it doesn't matter if she's my friend or not, all I need to do is be civil. And I was. Why do these people have to come back and haunt me, bring up old memories I don't need to rememeber. LIfe really can suck at times.

Update

I've had problems sleeping over the past week or so, not because I'm awake but because I was fretting over the test results. It really doesn't bother me what ever would be wrong, weather it's my kidneys, liver, thyroid or iron levels. None of it bothered me, I knew I could deal with it. What made me frett was the fact if it was my liver or my kidney, chances were I caused the damage with all the times I OD back at college. If it was indeed my fault, I would then have to admit to my mother what I had done. I have never, ever told her about the ODing, although I had told her about the cutting. I couldn't cope telling her about the ODing, the suicide attempts etc. I couldn't bare to see that look of disappointment on her face.

So my bloods came back, everythings normal, there is nothing wrong. They are still awaiting one more test result. I have to phone up tomorrow to find out if it's back. If that shows nothing wrong, I wonder what they'll do next. I really can't cope with being tired like this for much longer.

Cancer

I have had these marks on my breast area for some time, and a few months ago I went to the doctor to have them sussed out. I was scared they were cancer. She didn't know what they were and told me to go without a bra as often as I can. So I did. Over the last month two of these marks have changed colour and shape. I got a wee bit concerned all over again. So I went to the doctors this morning. He told me they were warts. Nothing to worry about and that eventually my body would get rid of them naturally.

The thing is when I was depressed, I couldn't kill myself. I just didn't have the guts. So instead I prayed for Cancer. No one in my family (on either side) has ever survived this disease, so I thought this would be a great way out. It would look like I'm fighting, but really I would die. These day's, although I still have bad days, I don't want life to end. When I thought I had skin cancer I was scared, I was scared that my prayers (of old) had been answered. I really don't want to die. I want to live. Yes, I wish my life was different, and that I was more content with my life but these are areas I can work on. I pray each day that I can be content and that God will show me what I need to do, and I pray that I can place myself in God's hands and his plans for me, and I pray that I have the courage to go through with what he's asking of me. I don't want to die, and I certainly don't want cancer.

I have to have blood tests anyway because I can't seam to wake up lately. Anytime night or day, I could happily fall asleep so the doctors are checking my blood and urine to see if my thyroid, kidney and liver are all working correctly. I have the blood taken next week, then it's five working days for the results. In the meantime I have to struggle to stay awake. I really don't think I can cope if there is something really wrong with them. It would be my own fault from all the ODing I did at uni. I really would have no one to blame but myself. What have I done?