I gave in and it felt great!

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut
Plumb: Cut

I couldn't help myself, I really couldn't. I just felt so bad, so useless, so pointless, so down that I couldn't help myself. I had eaten something yesterday, for the first time in three days. Although I had eaten little snacks over three days. It was the forth day and I was thinking I need to eat. So I did and boy did I regret it. I have been so hungry lately, although I don't feel hungry in the traditional way, I am craving food. I missing eating. I don't feel hungry and yet I know my body is hungry for food. My body is starving. I know this to be true. I sense it in my body even though I don't feel hungry.

So yesterday I ate. I haven't felt pain like that in so long. I had these cramps, I couldn't stand at all, I just spent the evening in a ball on my bed. It was the final straw. I have to play with my asthma inhalers because they are making me shake, I have a fungal infection on my arm, I just want to sleep all the time, I don't feel I've had a good week, my feelings for S are getting out of hand and I don't know what to do with any of this and then to top it off I felt like shite after I ate.

It just got all too much and I couldn't deal with it any more, so I got my blade and I cut. I just couldn't stop myself. They bled so much. The 'pain' was euphoric. It calmed me down so much. I cut again and again. Finding it hard to stop. I did stop eventually and then just feel asleep out of exhaustion.

Today I've been trying to keep busy but it's hard to concentrate on anything, so here I am writing my blog watching SG1. I know I should call someone, tell them what happened or knock on one of The Boys door but I just can't bring myself to do it. This is something I want to keep to myself, I don't want other's to know, treat my like a freak show. My cuts are higher than normal and therefore I will be able to hide them easily. One of the advantages of winter I can wear long sleeves. I have to see my mother next week. It'll be a breeze hiding them.