Feelings, relationship and Trust pt 1

I don't like to use the Love word. I think it gets used to much in life when people don't really mean it or people don't really understand what it means, not to it's fullest.

I have never been in Love, I have never had (other than family) a loving relationship where the person I am with loves me back, I have never been touched by a man (other than kissing). The thought of being with someone so completely like that does scare me. Not sex itself, but being so close, to allow someone to get so close to you that they know you at your core. That scares me.

I've talked about this in my other blog, but a lot of the problem is not Love itself but Trust. I have trust issues and I don't trust easily.

What I really want to talk about though is that I need to get away from S, although we share a flat together, as much as possible I have to not see him, not talk to him, not smell him, not hear him. If I can get far enough away from him perhaps I can forget my feelings for him. Although he is the only guy I have ever thought about having sex with.

I like S so much, but he has never shown any interest in me in a romantic kind of way. This Christmas I bought him a gift, I did for him birthday and last Christmas, he's always got me something for Christmas and for my birthday. But this year, for what ever reason he didn't get me anything. I know Christmas is not about gifts but I thought out of everyone I know he would be the one person who would get me something, he's the only one that matters. It sounds so shallow of me, and so petty but it really hurts that he got me nothing, not even a card. My other flat mate didn't get me anything, but then he never had, but I thought S and I were different. It's just not doing me any favours having these feelings for him. It needs to stop.

If you know a pill that could make these feelings go away, please let me know. I hate them. I don't want them any more, I really don't.