I don't know what to do....

"Doctor, doctor wont you please prescribe me somethin'
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else"
Pink: Don't let me get me

.... actually that's a bit of a lie. I know exactly what I should do but I just don't want to do it. For no reason what so ever I feel like shite today. From the moment I woke up I knew today would be a bad day for me. Now at the end of the day I realise that I am right, today has been a bad day, unfortunately, and this is what infuriates those trying to support me, I can't tell you why. There is two things that have got me in a tiz and have not helped my mood but right now I just want to crawl up in bed and sleep. The problem is that's all I've done for weeks now. Curled up in bed and ignore the world. I've had a fag, I have an alcoholic drink by my bed but I still want my razor. I have no idea if that is what I'm going to end up doing tonight but the pull is strong. The problem is that I have a meeting with two people tomorrow to talk about what I'm going to do (these will be part of my support network) and I don't want any new marks for them to find. On top of that I go and see my mother in a couple of weeks for the Easter break for a family meal and I just don't want to have to hide any marks. There is no way in two weeks the marks will have disappeared enough for me not to have to hide them.

Since I got home from work almost two hours ago I've been trying to work out what it is that is making me feel bad. I know I'm worried about tomorrow and telling these two people about what's going on for me. That will make four people who know exactly what is going on. That within itself is completely stressing me out. I hate people knowing so much about me on this level. What I don't get as well is why people care? I am nothing, I don't do anything fantastic, I sit and mope, I don't accomplish anything, I am not important enough for people to care. I just don't understand why these people want to support me. Both N and S never even thought about it when I asked them if they were willing to support me they just instantly said yes. I don't get it. Why? Why would they want to support a fucked up person such as me, I honestly don't get it.

Another thing that has stressed me out is that my manager (H) at work wants 'The Team' at work to undertake this course that she and L had done that did great things for them personally and spiritually. I don't want to do it. If it brings things up that I can't deal with who knows what sort of mess I'll end up in. I can barely get through a day, I exhausted every day just because I have to be around people, and I have to deal with their problems. It takes so much of me not to just collapse down and cry. I don't want to do this course, but if they make 'The Team' do it, I have no choice I will have to be there. I'm not doing psychotherapy at the moment because I have no coping mechanisms to deal with any issues it will bring up so I have to do something else so I can learn to develop coping mechanism. At what point do they think that this course will be a good idea for me...... I have to tell them this at some point fuck knows how I'm going to do that.

I'm all stressed out because too many people know what I'm going through. Some days I feel well and I will tell people.... this is suppose to be a good thing as I need to learn to share things and be open and honest with people (and of course learn to trust), the problem is I don't like it. I don't like the feeling that I'm relaying on people. I don't like giving people that power over me. It's just getting too much. If I don't tell people though (especially those who know to this point) how I'm feeling or what's going on they worry about me, and that freaks me out even more.

I'm also worried because I'm not eating again. I've lost nearly a half stone in just two weeks. This is not good. I hadn't realised that I was eating then I weighed myself and saw my weight and then realised just what I had been doing. Work has just been so stressful that I don't want to eat, so I don't. I have no one who is watching what I eat or how much I eat. I eat at work so that H doesn't worry about me (even then it's usually just a croissant). When I get back to the flat I just don't bother eating. The Boys don't notice. Hell I've barely seen them over the past three weeks. They haven't even noticed my new weight loss. At this point it's becoming obvious that I'm losing weight again. A concern is that I like this not eating. I'm not in pain, I'm not bloated, I don't feel uncomfortable... in fact I feel good. Tired but good.

My feelings for S are out of control. I hadn't seen him for three weeks due to me staying in bed all the time but also due to the fact when I'm in he's out and when he's out I'm in... we're just ships passing in the night. So last Wednesday (before I was ready really) I went out with him and his work colleges. It was a nice night I must admit although it really exhausted me to be around so many people... but I digress. I got to the pub and I saw him there. My heart skipped a beat and my breath was taken away. I'm glad he didn't spot me at that point or else I fear he would have worked out exactly how I felt about him. I can't control the way my body reacts about him. When he's around my stomach turns summer saults, my heart flutters and feels as though it's going to explode out of my body and I can feel myself blush when he talks to me. It's insane. I've only known this guy for about 17 months. How can I feel like this?

I ought to tell someone all of this, one of The Boys maybe but I just can't bring myself to do that. I want to cry but I'm too scared that The Boys will hear and come to my room and try and comfort me. I want to cut but I'm so fed up of hiding marks. I forgot my arm warmers at work and spent ages trying to hide my arms until there was an appropriate time where I could go back to the flat and get them. The marks ain't overly visible until my arms get really hot or really cold, which at the moment is that only two temperatures my body can do. Then the angry read marks show their nasty head and I have to hide them. I just wish all of this was easier to deal with, that I could go phone someone and just say 'I feel shite, I don't know why, I just do, can you keep me company'. You wouldn't think it was a hard thing to do, but it is.

At some point I have a feeling I will have to tell my mother all of this stuff. Currently the people I have told only know because I either work for them or I'm sharing a flat with them. So they need to know as it could affect them in a direct way. It just all fucking sucks and I wish I could do something to stop it all... take it all back. I want to pretend none of this is going on because it was so much easier then. Since I've been talking about it I feel so much worse, I feel claustrophobic, I feel out of control and my moods are so much worse. I have things I need to do but can not bring myself to do them..... I HATE BEING ME RIGHT HOW.