When will it all end!

I've cut again. I don't understand why I've not come up. I know Tuesday night was tough for me, and I cut. Usually for a few days after I start coming up and by now I should be back to my 'normal' (which you must understand is not that high). I cried Wednesday and I cried and cut again last night.

I tried to text someone to ask for help but I never sent it, it's still in my drafts folder on my phone. I know I can't do this alone, I know that there are people out there who are willing to help me and all I have to do is ask, reach out and take their hands and they will help me. But I can't do it. All I had to is press send and I could have had someone by my side but something in side me keeps stopping me. I don't know what it is though. What is it in me that just can't reach out and ask for help.

All I seam to be able to do is cut, but it's not doing me any favours for my arm really hurts at the moment. Nothing I do seams to stop the pain. It doesn't hurt to cut, but it hurts at other times. When I turn in the night on to my arm I get woken up with the pain. I have to put a make shift bandage on my arm each night, for it keeps bleeding as the skin gets contorted and the cuts re open. This means they'll scar pretty badly.

Why can't I just reach out to the help that is being offered. Why can't I just start going up rather than forever be going downhill! Something has got to change, and soon. I can't keep doing this, I'm not strong enough. If I have a bad shift tonight I don't know what I would do.