review

2007 was spectacularly shit, I actually took up cutting and it was like meeting an old friend I hadn't seen in along time. I know that this friend could get me into a lot of trouble, but I had forgotten (not completely) how this old friend makes me feel better and helps me to cope when things are not going so well. This is the only way I cope with the shite that life threw at me last year. Cutting is very strange, it calms me down so quickly, looking at old scars you can tell in each round when I start to feel better because the cuts get smaller and lighter. I always sleep fantastically well after I've cut. That's now content it makes me feel.

Most people, while growing up, have a friend that their parents don't like and wish that you didn't hang around with. That's what cutting is to me, a friend who means so much to me and helps me in so many ways, but can get me into a lot of trouble, especially by those who know that I cut.

I still have not told my mother about the depression or the cutting this time around, nor have I told her that I'm about to undertake the psycho therapy. This does scare me but I know if I want to lead anything resembling a normal life, where I deal with things in a way that I don't cut then I need to do this. Saying that however I have been told that I may never give up the cutting. This could be with me for the rest of my life, something I don't relish but something I might have to accept. I had accepted that I would properly struggle with depression on and off for the rest of my life, but cutting I thought I had got rid off. Then it came back, it all came back.

So this year I have to work on the following

1. My Self Esteem - I come across as a really positive and confident person, but I'm not. I'm now where need these things. I constantly look for reassurance but hate being praised and I hate people giving me compliments. I also don't believe that I deserve happiness, I think that's why I don't tell S or even hint at him how I feel.
2. Friends - I have to stop taking it so personally when friends don't try and make the time to spend time together. I can only do so much before I give up. This Christmas I have decided that I will no longer run around after people like a little lost dog trying to spend time with people who obviously don't want to spend time with me. I give up. If they want to see me they can contact me. I just don't have the energy any more.
3. Mental Health - I will work hard this year to try and get better in the mental health department, I will try and be honest with the psycho team and my support network and deal with the stress' of life in a more constructive way. I have had some sessions with CMHT (community mental health team) and I wasn't exactly truthful with them, not was I truthful with my support network. CMHT asked me if I ever thought any further than cutting (ie ending my life), I told them I didn't. In truth although I would never do it seriously or even attempt it, I did wonder who would notice if I ended my life. Would it be hours, days, weeks or months before anyone noticed that I wasn't around any more. Who would really morn my death? Other than the family? I should have told them this but I just couldn't. But with the Psycho team I will need to tell them things like this so I can get all the help I need.
   
4. Trust - I will try and learn to trust people this year, I need to start taking risks by allowing people through my walls and let people in. I will not be easy and I may not like it to begin with but I have to start letting people in or else I really will walk this world alone.
5. Love - I need to open my heart to love and to let people know if I have feelings for them. I'm not saying what I feel for S is the L word, but I certainly have strong feelings for S and I miss him when he's not around, when he is around my heart beats fast, I get hot and sweaty and I get butterflies in my stomach. L is a word I will not use lightly and need to think a lot about.

So that's what I'm going to try and do for 2008.