Romance & Relationships

I have had crushes in the past, I have felt things for guys in the past. That I can not deny. Yes, each time they have been unrequited and it's annoyed me.

However this time it's so different. I don't know if it's because I know him so well, or because I spend a lot of time with him or this is the real deal, but I have such strong feelings for him. I look at him and I just want him to put his arms around me and kiss my neck. Now this is something special as I have a phobia of people touching my neck and tend to freak out if it's touch. I was to snuggle into him when we're watching TV or I'm reading a book. Most of all though, I actually think of taking him to bed. I have never felt that way about anyone in the past. When he's not around I do more than miss him, I ache to the point I can barely breathe. When I hear him or smell him I instantly feel happy and perk up. If he's not around I feel hollow and empty.

How can anyone feel like this about someone they are not in a relationship with I just don't understand. I want to ask him out, but the fear of things changing between us, the fear of rejection is just so big. I couldn't handle it if things got funny between us, I really couldn't. It's not what I want between us, but at least I have friendship with him. I pray every night that something between us will change, that he will ask me out, or kiss me or I have the guts to ask him if there was any way that he felt the same way as me.

He has never given me any indication that he has any romantic feelings towards me at all. We've talked about relationships in the past and he says he doesn't want one. I suppose that should be my cue to get over him, but I can't. I want him so much, every atom and neutron in my body cries out for him. I have written to him so many times about how I feel but yet I never have the guts to give it to him or email him.

I hate the way I feel and the fact I can't let him go, I wish I could more than anything else in the world. I don't want to feel like this any more (unless I know he feels the same way but since I'm never going to find that out, it's not worth thinking about).