Heartbroken

It seemed to be like the perfect thing for you and me

It's so ironic you're what I pictured you to be

But there are facts in our lives we can never change

Just tell me that you understand and feel the same

This perfect romance that I've created in my mind

I'd live a thousand lives each one with you right by my side

But yet we find ourselves in a less than perfect circumstance

And so it seems like we'll never have the chance

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny

And you can't move on even though you try

Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel

Oh, I wish this could be real

Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life

And you don't want to face what's wrong or right

Ain't it strange how fate can play a part

In the story of your heart

Sometimes I think that a true love can never be

I just believe that somehow it wasn't meant for me

Life can be cruel in a way that I can't explain

And I don't think that I could face it all again

I barely know you but somehow I know what you're about

A deeper love I've found in you

And I no longer doubt

You've touched my heart and it altered every plan I've made

And now I feel that I don't have to be afraid

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny

And you can't move on even though you try

Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel

Oh, I wish this could be real

Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life

And you don't want to face what's wrong or right

Ain't it strange how fate can play a part

In the story of your heart

I locked away my heart

But you just set it free

Emotions I felt

Held me back from what my life should be

I pushed you far away

And yet you stayed with me

I guess this means

That you and me were meant to be

Ain't it funny:J-lo

I have had only one relationship in my life and even then I wouldn't really call it a relationship.  I knew he liked me which is why I asked him out. Shortly after we started 'dating' I became ill.  The 'relationship' lated six months.  During that time I never completely relaxed around him, I never felt comfortable when we were together, or holding hands, or kissing.  I always felt like it was wrong somehow.  Then during this time I almost kissed someone else.  This is when I knew that he and I wouldn't last.  He went to uni and we broke up.  I didn't feel anything, not even upset.  I didn't cry not once.  I have gone on dates, I have asked other guys out but every time things didn't work out or I got knocked back I didn't care.  I didn't feel anything.

That's changed this time.  This time I had feelings, I had butterflies, I had a vested interest in the outcome.  This time I knew I would feel something if he said no.  So I asked him out.  The wait was excruciating but wait I had to.  Eventually I got the reply, I didn't want to read the text, I didn't want to know.  I didn't want my fears to be confirmed.  My friend made me read the reply.  It was as I feared.  He said no.

S and I will never get together, regardless how much I want it, regardless how much I play stuff out in my mind, he will never be mine and I will never be his.  He just doesn't feel that way for me.  That's fine.  I can't force him to like me or blackmail him into it.  I don't want him to hate me.  I hope in time we'll get our rhythm back.  I don't know if we've deliberately giving each other space but for two days now, since the whole text thing we've not seen each other, but we know we're both in.  I have been trying to put on a brave face, as if everything is normal.  I don't want him to see me hurting.  I have almost burst into tears four times today. I hurt so much, I never imagined I would feel this way.  I didn't think anyone could effect me like S has effected me, but here it is.  The hurt and the pain is so real.  I feel as though part of me has died.

I want him so much but I know that he will never be mine.  I have to put him in a box and lock him away.  I just thought that maybe... just maybe.... I could have my dream this time.