Heart of Misery

I don't want to feel anything today
(I don't want to feel anything today)
Anything at all and just be alone
(I just want to know that you want to know)
I don't want to live through another day
(I don't want to live through another day)
Meaningless to fight for the victory
I just want to dive in the heart of misery

One love, One life
Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight
Locked me in the heart of misery

I will never be anything again
(I will never be anything again)
I'm tired to give, I don't want to try
(I'm afraid to live, I'm afraid to die)
I just want to fly, throw it all away
(I just want to fly, throw it all away)
Meaningless to fight for your sympathy
I just want to drown in the heart of misery

One love, One life
Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight
Locked me in the heart of misery

Heart of Misery: The Rasmus

I gave in last night, I just couldn't help myself. I thought I was so tired that I just couldn't cry any more, I couldn't feel any more and all I could do was sleep. I have spent so much time in bed at the moment. I get up as late as possible and go to bed as early as possible. I just couldn't stay awake. Interacting with people just made me feel worst. It zapped my energy more. Then I had a bad shift at work, I even had a few people come up to me and tell me that I wasn't myself and they wanted to know what was wrong. I just told them I was overly tired. I got home and I was determined to go to bed.

However, I was in the flat by myself, no one else was home. I put my music on (thru headphones), I drew my curtains, sat in the dark and before I knew it I started to cry, I honestly thought I couldn't cry any more but I did. I sobbed and more water came out my eyes than I thought was possible. The I reached for my razor. I held it between my fingers, turning it around and around, weaving it in and out. Then I took it in my left hand, I had no power to resit it's song to me, I placed it into my skin and I dragged it across. It felt good, but what shocked me was the fact it really hurt. It doesn't usually hurt until I start calming down. This hurt though, I could feel the pain. Rather than only three of four cuts, I did thirteen cuts. Although I hurt, it felt wonderful, the pain was euphoric, the blood was fun to watch as it came out as ruby droplets. I do not regret what I have done, I just thought that my will was stonger than this. However, I do except the fact that I have been slowly getting worse for weeks. I no longer just think of self harming, but of other things.

The strange thing is that I have felt better today, not fantastic, and I don't think I'll not manage to cut myself again tonight. I feel like the storm in my head is slowing down, blowing itself out. I'm glad I have another day to try and calm my head down and raise my energy levels before I have to face another week at work.

We also have a team day on Wednesday and I really don't want to go, so many people are going to be there, and it's hard enough to cover marks from people who know what I do, but the whole team and trustees, what the hell am I going to do. I also have to spend the day with her the person who has caused me so much pain, and still causing me pain, and still filling me with hatred and bile. I would really like it if I could let it go but I can't.

All I can think about it getting my razor and cutting again. The pain is like nothing I've felt before, and I want it again. I know I need to tell someone, any one but I'm scared they'll take this away from me. The one thing that actually makes me feel something, feel something positive and they'll take it away from me. I don't want that. I'm going to keep this to myself for a while. Why should I let someone take this away from me.