I did it again.

I just couldn't deal with it. He made me feel so bad, I couldn't handle the feelings that were washing over me. He came up near the end of the session and started verbally attacking me, my volunteers and the work we are doing. I barely held it together, one of my volunteers ran off in tears. I got to the end of my street before the tears started falling. I kept it quiet as I walked up the stairs in my flat, The Boys were out. I got into my room collapsed and cried and cried. After some time I got my blade. My old cuts are barely healed but still I cut. I never felt any pain, I was barely aware that they were bleeding. I have had to create some make shift bandages so I don't bleed on my bed linen again, mainly tissue and gaffa tape.

I don't regret what I've done, not at all, but I was talking to M (My Manager) telling her what happened at the end of the session. She asked me to write a report about what happened. Her next question, no hesitation, was if I had done anything. I just nodded, I didn't talk about it though. I wasn't going to tell anyone or talk about it. I wanted this one to be mine, not tell anyone. Keep it to myself. I knew talking things out would be a bad idea. Now every time I feel things are getting about me, she will assume that I have cut, even if it's not true, she will think I am lying. I wanted this to be my thing, I just wanted me to know about it, I didn't want to tell anyone else, I wasn't going to share it with the boys. All this stuff freaks them out way to much for me to confide in them.

Right now all I want to do is get really, really, really drunk but I am scared that if I start drinking I won't stop. I want to cut again but know that I can't, or should I say, shouldn't. It's just so alluring and so comforting. I probably should talk to someone, anyone about the way I'm feeling but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do it.

I am so lost and alone right again. I don't know where to turn, who to trust or what to do. I want to feel something again. I don't want to be stuck in this hopelessness or feel this pathetic. I wish I could smile and mean it, laugh and know that it's real. I want seeing S to make my heart sing again. Currently all it does is make me hurt. Everything makes me feel worse. I'm just not enjoying anything any more.

I cried so much last night that my eyes were still puffy this morning. I had to do everything in my power to try and depuff my eyes for work. It didn't really work. Even now there is puffiness to them. I also spent a lot of today trying not to cry at the drop of a hat. It's all I wanted to do.

I thought doing down this road was meant to make me feel better, make me feel.... I don't know. I just... ngh what does it matter any way.