Regardless how hard I try to stay on top of things.... it just never works out that way. I have worked so hard over the years to deal with my depression, to stop the overdosing and to stop cutting. A few months ago when I found myself almost cutting again I went to the doctors to seek help, I talked to my manager about it. I had taken so many leaps forward and was really impressed and proud of myself for dealing appropriately with all of this.
Now though, only a few months down the line, it's got worse. I've taken so many steps backwards it's weird. I actually did cut myself this time. I didn't even feel it as the blade went it. The blood came but no pain. This time however I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to go the the doctors, I don't want to talk to my manager about it. I don't want to do anything about it. I know, however, deep inside me I know, that I must face and deal with it all but I just can't and I don't want to. I want too pretend none of it happened, but it's hard when there are two marks on your arm showing the world what you've done. Currently I'm hiding them with long sleeves.
the best laid plans
9 months ago
1 comment:
It's hard. Any addiction is hard. The nervous system contains hacks, and there's no easy way to handle them. People take chemicals, they cut themselves, they do other things. Birds put live ants under their feathers to get high from the crawly sensation.
If there is a person you can talk with about this, you should do it. If there isn't, maybe you should go looking for her/him. Not much of a suggestion, but it's all I have.
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