Not Well

I know I should go and get some help but I'm really struggling to get motivated to do it.

I am very erratic at taking my meds, and I know this is a bad thing.

I am tired all the time.

I am struggling to eat properly.

I am struggling to clean the flat (I do have a cleaner but she's not been in for a while).

I am struggling to keep myself clean.

I am struggling to wash my clothes.

I am struggling to keep myself motivated.

I struggle to sleep.

I struggle to wake up.

I struggle to concentrate on anything.

I struggle to keep my anger under control.

I struggle to get any work done.

I struggle to not cut.

I struggle not to drink.

I struggle to not cry all the time.

I struggle to be around people.

I need to go and get help.

But I'm struggling.

Reflection

It's been over a year since I was diagnosed as being Bipolar and things have changed.  To begin with there was a sense of relief that there was something physiological that was causing my depression and hyperness.  It wasn't just me being broken or failing at life.  There was an honest to god reason why I had had a duality all my life.  The relief was insane.  It helped me fight to get my life back.  I went on medication, which has changed me.  My brain works slower, it's like living my life through treacle.  The upside is that I can live my life.  I don't get so depressed, I still have my days in bed but I don't get suicidal, and I have only self harmed once.

Over a year later and I'm beginning to resent this change.  I don't like how it takes me longer to assimilate information and learn new skills.  I don't like how I feel like I am sleep walking through life.  I do socialise more, I do know that I am better than I have been my entire life, but I miss my old life.  I know how ridiculous this might sound, it's not that I miss the depression I just miss me. I miss my creativity, I miss feeling things..... I just miss what I know.  The safety of knowing that I would spend hours in bed and that was what my world was.  Part of me wants that back.

Last year I met someone GJ.  We spent a lot of time together talking about stuff and enjoying each others company.  I had told him about my life before my diagnosis and how I was struggling with the diagnosis, the medication and how my life had been ripped out from beneath me.  He knew about my self harming and my suicide attempts.  One evening we were talking, and I was saying how my medication made my libido run in overdrive.  Then one week I was having a tough week.  I was crying in the pub so people notices, he came back to my place and stayed with me until I was settled.  The Friday we were out at another gaming group and he came back to mine.  We feel asleep on my sofa.  Next night I'm at his, and suddenly, for the first time ever, I'm having a sexual relationship.  We agreed that this would only carry on for a month until he moved away, there was to be no long term relationship and no long distance relationship.  

11 months later we are still together. I don't know if it's the right thing to do though.  He is over a decade younger than I.  He will want kids at some point, and it is dangerous for me to have children, not sure I want them.  I want him to be happy and content and I don't feel that I can offer him that.  He deserves more than someone who doesn't know what their mood is going to be like from one day to the next.  He deserves someone who he can start a family with, who is will introduce to his family and friends.

I don't want it to stop.  I know I need to stop it. But what we have is comfortable, it makes me feel safe, I know I can be real with him.

I miss my old life. The life when I could stay in bed or be as hyper as an atom on heat.  I want to go back to before my diagnosis when the world make sense to me.  My life now doesn't make sense, and I don't like it.  I want my life back.

Family

I have a finely balanced relationship with my family.  I would appear to family events as my duty and then go on with my life with the occasional nod to the family when it was needed.  If I turned up to any event there would be very little opportunity for me to talk about what was going on in my life, my job or how I was feeling about anything.  I would just sit there talking about their lives.  When the niece and nephews came along it became easier to be around as I could just concentrate on them.  Be the fun aunt who made them laugh and spoilt them.  I didn't need to talk about my life or my feelings.  There was just the kids.

I'm not sure my sister or my mother realise this happens.

Then I got ill.  I think at that point my mother realised there was a lot in my life I just never talked about, never let her into.  This has put a chasm between us.... or more to the point, made her realise there was a chasm there.  In the past, I have tried to talk to her about things but she never wanted to listen.  She didn't seem to care about it, I don't think she knows how to deal with it.  All she does is make me feel like I'm broken.

Then I started seeing G.  I say seeing, we're not a couple as such, we enjoy each others company, we enjoy teasing each other, we enjoy spending time together, and we certainly enjoy the sex.  We are not the love of each others lives.  At some point, he will find someone his own age who will give him the family he deserves, whom he wants to wine and dine, whom he wants to be romantic with.  I am not that person and I will never be the person.  However, I screwed up very early on.  I told my mother about him.  It was more because I needed help with my pet.as I was going away at weekends. 

She is now putting pressure on to meet him.  Neither G nor I want to meet families.  Ever time I see my mother she gets wound up by the fact she has not met G yet.  It's got to the point where I try very hard to speak to her or spend time with her.  The other day she had a go at me saying that my priorities were wrong.  That I needed to spend more time with the family.  What she doesn't realise is that I am spending no less time with the family than I have before.  She's just pissed that I've not introduced her to G.

She also talked about how I should be a better support for my sister, make an effort and go and see her.  It is very rare for me to see my sister unless it's a family do.... a special occasion.  We are not close.  My sister is having problems of her own and Mam wants me to support her.  I've not told my mother that I recently went back to the CMHT and got put on anti-depressants because I was struggling with a low period and had been self-harming and thoughts of dying.   My mother does not see my mood changes.  She just wants the good me, the one she thinks she understands.

I have always just got on with things.  I have my problems and I deal with them as best I can, on my own, as I always have.  These days I do have support, G, Blaster and GM.  People in my life who know what is going on with me and I am slowly getting use to the fact that they are there if I need them.  My family is just not part of that support group.  It's just the way it is.  Always have been.  I don't turn to my family.

I think my mother is beginning to realise there is a bigger problem with me and the family.  G is a symptom of a bigger issue.

I don't know what I should do about this, or if I want to do anything about this.

I think things will get better when I move out away from her, and have a life without her, without my sister.  Just visiting at important events.  They don't need me.  I'm not sure I need them.

Sex and Tears

Last night G and I, as always, were having sex as our goodbye for the week.  We know that we have to part ways and that we shouldn't leave it too late but we can't help but have a bit of fun before going on our way for the week.

I have trouble achieving as orgasm. Try as we might, we just don't seem to be able to get me their, whether it's via cliterol stimulation, virginal stimulation or lots of different types of stimulation. It is frustrating for me, and it's beginning to get frustrating for G and he's beginning to blame himself.

He can't blame himself as I have never manage to orgasm even when it's me on my own.  It's just something I have struggled to do.  G can try all he likes I struggle to orgasm and it's something to do with me.  I have a psychological block on this.  It doesn't matter what I do, or what someone else does I can't manage it.

Last week it changed.  We were in bed, he was doing his thing and I was getting more and more worked up and I just couldn't get anywhere so I asked him to stop.  We then had sex, he came and we cuddled for a bit.  He went to get drinks, I pretended to fall asleep and he left me too it.  Once he left the room, I couldn't stop myself I just cried.  I managed to do it quietly so he couldn't hear me.  I then got up, showered dressed, and joined him in the front room so we could play a game before going home.  He never knew.  That's the way I wanted it.

This week, however, something went really wrong.  We were in bed, he'd been playing with me for a while and I was really getting excited, and I swear I was close to climaxing, but something happened and I just burst into tears.  I had to tell him to stop.  I tried not to cry but I just couldn't stop myself.  I lay in his arms sobbing.  He just held me until it subsided.  He tried to talk to me about it, but it's a mystery to me as it is to him.  We talked about something else until I felt I was calm, but as soon as we stopped, I started crying again and again.  He was trying to hold me but I pulled away from him and just sat on the edge of the bed.  He tried to touch me but I just pulled away.  For a good five minute I just sat there crying.  Not being able to stop.  Eventually I settled and I got back in to bed.  He just held me.  We tried talking, but I don't know what was going on and I was getting as frustrated as him so we just talked about Glitch.  A new netflix show we had just finished watching.  I then started him going again and we just played and had sex, but I wasn't really into it and I ended up in pain, and he didn't come.  I think I only started stuff up again to prove that I wasn't that broken.  We both ended up falling flat.

What the hell is wrong me! why can't I just be normal.  Why can't I get excited, have an orgasm and have fun in bed.  Why am I always the broken one, the abnormal one.  Why can't I climax, I don't fucking understand this.

Every part of my body is telling me to run.  I don't like to cry in front of people, and I've told G this before.  We talked about this last night, and he said he doesn't want me to hide anything, he doesn't want me to keep stuff like this from him.  He wants to support me in my vulnerability.  Now all I want to do is run.  Run away as fast as I can.  I don't want to be around him.  I hate the fact I've been like this.  Why did I have to fuck things up? Why am I just so broken and wrong?  I hate being me sooo much.

3 months

It's been three months since G and I started our month long sex affair.  He had a scratch to itch, and I just wanted to experience sex.  We agreed that it was not to be long term, we were just going to do our thing until he left at the end of August.

The first night I slept in his bed we agreed to this.  I freaked out when he went to take my clothes off and he just help me saying that just being in bed together would be great and if we had sex that would be great.  Sex of course did happen and we've been experimenting.  Different positions, different locations, different touches, different toys.  It's been quite an awakening.  Even for him.  He's only slept with one person before.

Three months down the line we're still in our sex affair. I asked him if we were just sex and friends or if it was something more.  I admitted to him the other week that I look forward to our weekends together, more than I probably should do.  He said he enjoyed our weekends together.  He didn't know how he felt about things.

We are still carrying on with our sex affair.  I have no idea what we're doing.  I'm not even sure how I feel about things.  I know I really enjoy spending time with him.  I know I enjoy the sex we're having.  I know I enjoy talking to him about everything and anything.  

When I was seeing C he made my heart flutter, I felt sick, I was nervous.  He didn't really make feel at ease.  We had fun making out, we went out places, held hands etc but I never felt comfortable.

With G it's different.  I knew him before our sex affair, we had always spent a lot of time together and laughed and teased.  I would have some sort of party  at mine everyone would leave and it would just be me and him talking until the ridiculous hours of the morning.  It would not be unknown for him to leave after the sun had come up.  Even on a week day.  We'd be up all night and then have to go to work.  He is the only person I know where I've been hands on with, who has been hands on with me and I have not freaked out.  He saw my walls, my moats, my barriers and walked through them all as if they were not even there.

I slept in his arms.  I slept in his bed.  I don't like sleeping at peoples houses, it freaks me out.  I like my bed.  However, I went to his and slept in his bed and it didn't freak me out (for a few nights at least).  When I did start to freak, he allowed me, he held me and just reassured me that it was okay.  He has dealt with everything my mental health has thrown at him and just dealt with it.  I suspect that's because this is just 'friends with benefits' not a long term relationship so it doesn't matter what my mental health throws at him since he doesn't need to deal with it for any length of time.

I know that I like what we're doing.  I am confused about just how comfortable with him. It scares me, it terrifies me.   Never in my life has there been anyone I have let in or been as open as in such a short time.  I have A Person, the one person you tell everything, but before she became My Person it was two years before I trusted her enough even to start saying anything. Yet G walks in and within months I was telling him stuff. 

There are times I see us together, he's good for me.  He keeps me stable, he makes me want to be well and fight to be well.  So I don't know if I want to be with him because I genuinely like him and want to try and real relationship with him or it's just because he makes me want to stay well and do what ever I can to be well.

I'm so confused.

Sex & Mania

Let's talk about sex, baby

Let's talk about you and me

Let's talk about all the good things

And the bad things that may be

Let's talk about sex

Let's Talk about Sex: Salt 'n' Pepper

In the past when I went in to, what I now know is, mania my sexual appetite would be through the roof.  This was frustrating as I had never slept with anyone and the thought of a one night stand would just sent my blood running cold.  I knew that was something I couldn't do.  So I would masturbate.  I would do this again and again until I felt vaguely satisfied, but the more I did it the more I wanted it.  However, my mania never lasted that long and within a few weeks my sex drive would dissipate and that was that.

I now have someone in my life.  I don't know quite what we are.  We won't call ourselves a couple, we don't admit we're in a relationship.  We're just seeing each other, hanging out, and having lots of sex.  My medication increases my sex drive, even when I'm depressed I still have a huge sex drive, which is not what I am use to.  However, with G I have an outlet for this appetite.  I'm having so much fun with it.  I can safely say that I am no longer a virgin and that I have had more sex than I thought I would ever have.  I have been exploring my sex drive, what turns me on, what turns me up.  G has been trying things that he wants to try and we have b
een trying to find our rhythm.  We are beginning to try different positions which has been a lot of fun.  We're looking at the Karma Sutra and deciding on what we want to try.  He is attentive and amazing. I wish I could be more attentive to his needs.  He says it's all good and that he gets everything he needs, but I'm not so sure.  But that could be my paranoia speaking.

That is the one thing though. My paranoia is getting a little out of hand again.  I don't know if it's that we're doing the whole long distance thing or I just can't believe anyone like G would actually be with someone like me, especially since I am 12 years older.  Maybe it's a bit of both.  I am trying to control it, but it's hard.  I try not to let it slip to G just how bad it is.  He knows I am paranoid about a lot of things, and us, but he doesn't know just how bad it is.  I need to learn to be able to tell him this stuff.  Explain that it's not about me not trusting him, or about him, but my illness that fucks with my head and that I'm trying to get it under control.  I'm just scared that one of these days he'll walk away because it's all just too much.

The other weekend he came to visit and I told him I the previous week had been tough, that I had slept a lot and not left the flat because everything was just too much for me.  I also admitted that I had cut myself.  He said he had guessed that.  He took it in his stride.  Didn't judge me, didn't make me feel bad.  Just kissed me and we got on with our day.  For nothing else, I will always love him for that.  He takes everything that my illness throws at him, takes it in his stride and then make me feel better for it.

I honestly don't know what he gets out of what we do, but I get a lot and I'm loving the sex and the experimenting of it.  I never imagined it would feel this good.

Bingo

Settle down for a moment cause your heart is beating hard

Baby you've been my lover, and I told you from the start

Better no promises, and I'll do you no harm

But you're keen on the question I tell you not to pop

But maybe it's been a hurting, it's been hurting from the start

Do you not coping then tear it apart

Never wanted it this way

Oh baby I'm dying I'm crying over it

Maybe you feel it to, oh baby I'm blue

Soulweaper pt 2: Volbeat

During August I spent very little time in my own house or my own bed.

It's been quite something.

I have never experienced anything like this, and I'm not just talking about the sex (and a lot of it).  We spend time together and it's so comfortable it's like we've always just been.  I struggle with change, always have done.  Even the littlest, like buying a new pair of Dr. Martins, or changing my washing powder.  It's really hard to do, then the big things happen.  Staying at people's houses is one of those things.  I have a friend whom I stay with at least once a year as my holiday. I have done this for nearly a decade and it's only in the past three years that I have finally got comfortable with this.

With my man, G, it's different.  I never went through that freak out at staying at his.  I've only had minor freak-outs when I over think everything.  If I can get my head to shut up I am totally comfortable with him and the whole idea of us.

From the start G said that this would not be a long term thing as he didn't want a long term relationship or a long distance relationship.  On our last night together, he admitted that he didn't want things to end and that, although he still wasn't hooked on the idea of a long distance relationship, he wanted to see where we might end up.

So this is what we're doing.  We are giving things ago.  We talk a lot when we can both get online together.  I drove up to him for a night just the other week because I missed him.  I have never missed anyone as I missed him.  And it really wasn't the sex.  I just missed talking to him, being in each other's arms as we watched a film, the teasing, playing board games together... just the little things.  I really missed them.

Throughout August we were basically living together.  Mostly we were at his cos he has a double bed, I still have my single.  For a week we were at mine.  But the only nights we spent apart were the nights I was away for work.  I think it totalled 9 nights in 5 weeks.  In the last week whilst at mine he was meant to be looking for a place to live, but never did.  He waited until we parted ways and he went to his parents, only then did he start looking for a place to live and started making plans for his move and new job.  T

That last week was amazing though.  I manged to have a week of no learners and providing it looked like I was working I got away with it.  So we had a few days out, played lots of new games that we bought, lots of sex and watching films... just normal every day stuff.

The first night without him was so much harder than I thought.  That's when I realised I was beginning have have real feelings.  I'm not sure this is a good idea because we both are not sure a long distance relationships is what we want.  Yet here we are, in a long distance relationship.  I'm going to get my heartbroken, I'm sure of it. Yet I don't want to walk away from this.

He didn't break my barriers, they are still there.  He just walked through them all as if they were not there.  This confuses the hell out me anyway, and yet I don't often freak out.  I get the feeling that this isn't a good idea, I have moments where I know I'm feeling stuff and I try and force these feelings away.  I don't want to ruin what we have, it's too much fun.

Neither of us are particularly goo, but our resent time together we have had some goo moments.  It's nice.

Oh god, don't let it destroy me when my heart breaks... please.

Sex and Relationships

I came to terms a long time ago that I was not a relationship sort if person.
I had terrible mood swings, awful depression and then there was the self harming and suicide attempts. I knew no one would put up with that. I could barelt put up with it so why should they.

A few months ago this guy joined my gaming group.  Very quickly we had a very touchy feeling flirting and teasing friendship. When we were alone together he would tickle me whuch he knew I hated so we would end up play fighting. We would chat into the early hours of the morning.

A wee while a go a mutual friend asjed if there was flirting between me and this guy and I catagorically said that there was nothing going on between us now or in the future. I was clear on this.

Well that changed, we are seeing each other and he has broken every barrior, wall I have ever made for myself and filled in all the moats getting to those walls and barriers. I've never known anything like it. I sleep in his bed, he holds me close and we have sex, something I thought I would never do, and occasionally we actually sleep.  The first 2 nights we had together was just us sleeping. Then the foreplay started that moves on to the sex. It still hurts but each time it's less and less and I'm beginning to enjoy the intercourse but what that man can do with a finger is so much better than the intercourse at the moment so he does that a lot for me and I keep trying with the intercourse. I never thought I would have this.

He moves away in September and we don't know what will happen so right now we are just enjoying every moment we can get. In the past week I have spent 1 night at mine and 0 nights alone.

I quite enjoy this and it has surprised me in the most pleasant of ways.

Is diagnosis worth it?

Is it better to know how to live a mentally well life and forget due to BP or never know mental wellness at all?
Every week or so I have coffee with a friend who has BP1 like me. We met through a group and have become good friends. We talk about overcoming our shared illness some, but mostly we talk about living day to day, being useful and productive in our lives. There is one vast difference between my friend and I that it took a while for us to figure out.
The difference is my friends BP came on in their mid 20’s, this allowed for them to receive good parenting and education up to and including a master’s degree. It was during his graduate program that BP struck and destroyed his life for the next 25 years. In my case I can never remember I time when I did not feel the symptoms of BP and have been in and out of some type of mental health care since my early teens.
So at approximately the same time in life we embarked on the path to mental wellness. Me, who never had experienced mental wellness before and my friend who had a pretty solid upbringing in a mentally well world. We get together fairly regularly to compare notes. We are both taking a similar approach in overcoming our shared illness, after passing through a phase on concentrating on our illness, we have both changed our focus to a strict concentration on mental wellness. Our search for ways to achieve mental wellness.
Which comes back to my original question. Is it better to have had mental wellness and forgotten it due to BP or is it better to never known mental wellness at all?
Aside from the fact that I envied my friend for a while because there was a base to build on that is easily seen once a stable mind was achieved, I do not know. My friend is often frustrated by the fact that they should know this stuff and doesn’t, sort of like the frustration of a dementia patient who feels they can and finds out they can’t. Whereas for me everything is a new experience and I just have to let go of the old thoughts that blocked my way to mental wellness.

http://www.bphope.com/topics/discussion/early-onset-bp-vs-late-onset-bp/

This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately.  I was diagnosed in December and a lot of this is still new to me, and getting my head around everything is such hard work.  It exhausts me within itself.

Before Diagnosis: My life was just depression and mania.  I was either in bed not moving only getting up for work so that I could pay my bills (and going to the loo and occasionally shower etc) or I was so hyper I was doing everything and anything and never accomplishing anything.  But that was my life.  I knew this life.  It had been my life for well over a decade.  I had created a life around this.  Going out when I could, staying home when I needed to.  The food I had in the flat was only food that I could snack on.  There was nothing in the house that I actually had to cook except for sausages.  There is something about sausages that no matter how ill I get I always wanted to eat sausages.  So I had frozen sausages and cocktail sausages, so that I always had them to eat.  I knew how to hide it.  I had my ways of dealing with it.  I would use tramadol and alcohol to faze out of life for a while, I would cut myself to cope with getting up the next day and try and help me to sleep for a night.  All I wanted was for people to leave me alone, not notice what was happening to me.  I would get to a point were suicide became an option, I would try and would always fail.  About a  month after this I would start cutting less and moving on the up.  This was a slow moving up, still cutting, still taking the drugs and alcohol.  All in all I was self destructive.  But I understood this life, this is what my life was.  It made sense to me.  I wasn't happy or content but I understood my life and what was happening to me. I felt safe.

During Diagnosis: It took a long time to triate my medication to the full dosage, this was around March time.  From December to March was a rocky time for me.  I was up and I was down and struggling constantly.  I had a psychiatric doctor (pdoc) and a Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) and they did offer me support and I felt as though I could get better.  In January I had a fugue state  day where I had no idea what I was doing that day but ended up by a railway line, couldn't get to the line because of a fence and a huge padlock but I had tried, or so the police told me.  My life was based on my bipolar, trying to get well.  I couldn't work, so I was stressed about money as I was on Statutory Sick, housing benefit and council tax reduction.  It was awful.  I applied for PIP but only got awarded that last month, after fighting for it since November.  During this time I felt like I was not a good person and that I had failed in every sense of the word.  It was through a good friend and my CPN that I started to realise that it wasn't my fault.  It was just part of who I am.  I have had people walk out of my life due to my diagnosis including my Boyfriend who I actually had real feelings for.  Something I had never experienced before.

After Diagnosis: I had one period of 'stability' that lasted maybe 3 weeks.  It was an odd feeling, not wanting to stay in bed and not wanting to do everything and anything.  I got up, I was productive and could do things and actually achieve things properly.  I was on top of my cleaning, on top of my course... it was good.  Then the mood swings started again.  The depression isn't quite as bad but the mania is worse than it's ever been.  I am up for two months, previously just a few weeks. At the moment I seem to be manic through the day and depressed at night.  I have no idea how to handle this 'new' life of mine.  I don't know how to live.  I'm so confused.  I don't like it.  My medication means I don't feel hungry so I have to force myself to eat every day and if I don't think about it I can go a couple of days without eating.  I try and take an apple to work so I at least eat that each day.  Something healthy.  I am now as thin as I was last time I was really ill.   I am afraid to get close to anyone because I know that my illness will hurt them, because I can't stop saying things I shouldn't and I don't trust myself to stay faithful.  The other night, after 2 days of not eating, took some tramodol and then had a lot to drink.  I felt so good.  I hadn't forgotten just how much I love that feeling.  Now it's all I can think about.  More than I am thinking about cutting myself again.  It's all I want to do.  I have to be careful though, if I run out of tramadol I am going to struggle to get more.  I do not feel like I am getting better, I am hyper aware of everything.  My sexual appetite is rampant, and as much as I want to sleep with almost everyone I see I can't stand the idea of someone touching me.  I feel the pressure of 'being well'.  I can see people treating me as if I shouldn't get ill any more, medication has made me well. If I show any sort of sliding people start wondering if I'm taking my medication, why am I getting ill again, and then they just constantly watch me, waiting for me to slip up.  There is a whole group who believe that I will never get ill again.

So was being diagnosed worth it... at this moment at time, no it wasn't.  I can't hide my illness any more, I have to learn to do that all over again.  I have an advantage by the fact I do not see the same people every day.  I get to do something different every day so I can hide stuff a little easier.  But people who know me can see it.  I don't think it was worth it, it wasn't worth it at all.

Holy Crap on a Stick

What in God's name is  going on.

I have been manic but happy for the past 8 weeks.  I have had a lot of energy but have been coping with it, using it productively.

I went out tonight, as I always do on a Monday to do my gaming thing.  I really enjoyed myself in the beginning and was having a lot of fun.  Then suddenly it call came crashing down around me.  Now all I want to do is cry, something I haven't done in many, many, many months and cut.

I don't understand why.

If I give in that's it, I'll have to start the fight all over again.  I don't want to do that.   But I can't handle how I feel right now.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

We’re on a hell slide, help us, help us

We’re on a hell slide.

9-15th: Biffy Clyro

Ruby

Under the paling landscape is a life force so powerful that for a while the poison killing the land is temporarily pushed back, held back.  It’s not a cure, but its became part of the answer.  The poison infects everything, all that it touches, all that it sees, all it experiences, it all becomes contaminated.  Unusable, to be put aside to wither and die.

The cold steal bears down as the poison fuelled storm gathers in strength threatening to destroy all in it’s path.  The landscape does not complain, it feels no pain, the life force feels no anger.   The Land acknowledges that the poisonous storm will ultimately win.  In the meantime it will take the little battles, enjoy them for a while until such time as that ultimate loss.

The steal slices into the landscape, rubies erupting from The Land, warm to the touch pushing the poison away with the aid of salt drops, mixes together, creating a barrier that, for a while, keeps the storm at bay.  So powerful are these warm rubies that the storm dies away, attempting to fight the calm that approaches through the rubies glinting in the light, bright against the paling landscape.  Beyond the rubious barrier the storm rages, never ending in it’s fury.  There is no way of blocking out the sound of the screaming storm, always there in the background slowly gaining ground to start the war again, to consume everything until there is nothing left.

The fight continues, the barrier becomes fatigued, maybe a day has past, maybe a year.  The day is coming, the storm fights through the barrier and the whole process starts again.

In the meantime The Land will take the little battles, enjoy them for a while until such time as that ultimate loss comes flying in.  On that day The Land will go dark.

One foor in front if another.

It's been 7 months since I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. I still am having problems coming to terms with it.

The medication has had a strange effect. I barely eat anymore because I am just not hungry as I am still loosng weight. This is not a bad thing because I was terribly over weight... not quite clinically obses but not far off it. I try and food in the flat so I will have something in the house to eat should I want it.  I usually force myself to eat a bowl of cereal. Luckily I am addicted to Aldis Wheatabix, also their medium cheddar is amazing so can be found occasionally be found making a cheese sandwhuch at rediculous time of the morning when I've been on the go for the past few days. Even my new clothes don't fit anymore. I only bought them six months ago!  The medication doesn't help with the mania and in fact have prolonged them. I've been up for almost two months now with no sign of crashing.  I am also beginning to firget to take my medication which happens. I am asthmatic and don't take my inhalers properly and if I am antibiotics I am known not to finish the course because I just forget.  Today is the first time in four days I've taken my medication. It doesn't help that I tried to contact my CPN about the mania just to be told that I need to ride it out and that no other medication would be perscribed. Niiice!. If they don't care why the fuck should I!

In November I applied for Personal Independant Payment. It was rejected first time. I put it in for manditory reconsideration and failed again, so I took it to tribunal. That was a royal pain in the ass. Not only did I have to find the courts which where so hidden that they are easy to miss, I had t I sut there whilst 3 strangers made judgements on my life to weather ir not I deserve additional money to get help in my life. It took about an hour. I won this. Not only did I win this, I assumed I would get the standard rate... nope I got the enhased rate and it gets back paid to Novemeber. The really annoying thing is that if I won the PIP in November I would have got additional support with my rent whilst on SSP. Insane right. I am now working full time, getting some benefits and doing okay financially but when I really needed it I got very little support. How to keep yourself well.... have money problems.

My new job is going really well. It's a job I will do really well once I get settled and undersrand the systems that they use. I am doing the assessors qual right now. Then i will finish the L5 L&D I am on then i will do my quality assurance qual. I think there is one qual after that to get and I will be as qualified as an assessor can get. It will be awesome. Most this I should do in the next 12 months if not before. I travel a lot for the job but this gets included in our hours.

Pros and Cons

I am really struggling.  Part of it my own fault because I stopped taking my meds for a few days and started off a crash.  When I started the meds up again I moved back into my manic phases, although it will be a while before I'm actually in full mania.

Since I fucked up the meds I am, emotionally, all over the place.  Today I have been up since 5am, I didn't go to bed until 3.30am so sleep is not on my agenda at the moment.  I spent an hour or so crying, and I don't just mean a little cry, I mean full on, from the depth of my soul sobbing.  I couldn't tell you what it was about, but it was just crying and I struggled for it to stop.

As a result during the day, any sort of big emotion I felt almost brought me to tears.  I'm trying to get the flat's management company to sort out the leak in the porch.  This has been an ongoing issue for about 3 years now.  No-one now why this happens or where it all originates from.  We just know it does it.  So I am now documenting everything and emailing it all to them.  So I was talking to someone from the management company today and they are going through all the motions of what has already happened in the past.  They have sent three different companies to have a look at the problem, all of which have said three different things, and have done three different things to the porch and yet it still leaks.  So they are sending out another company!  He even asked if I had reported it before, so I found all my emails about it and read off the dates to him, and told them which ones had videos on or photos on.  I was getting frustrated at this point, and although I didn't start shouting at him, I wasn't exactly being nice to him either.  Anyway, when I put the phone down on him I almost burst into tears, but I was at work on a break so I couldn't fall apart so I distracted myself and kept on going.

I was on my way to work, went the wrong way and ended up being stuck on the motorway and was late for the meeting I was due to attend.  I was only about five minutes late, but still, I sat in the car praying that I would not cry and that I could keep on going.  I couldn't fall apart again.

I have spent three days feeling so overwhelmed about what I needed to do that I struggled to even get out of bed.  It was easier to just stay in bed and only occasionally  got out of bed to go to the loo or get some water.  I couldn't even watch anything because the thought of choosing something to watch was too much to bare.  So I put my music on random and I just had music going.  This morning it took me nearly an hour just to decide what clothes I was going to wear to work!

Even now I'm just finding everything overwhelming that I don't understand how I am even functioning.  I just want to stay in bed and never move again, but something keeps me going.

With the money I have been awarded I am going to get a cleaner, that would help me slightly.  Knowing that the flat is clean and tidy will mean that it's one thing that I don't need to get overwhelmed by.

Like I said I don't understand how I am functioning.

So far I don't see any benefits to being Bipolar!                            

So my new job is going very well.  The assessing itself is not easy but it's not hard either.  I have to concentrate and sometimes look things up because I can't quite remember bits and pieces.  I assess all sorts of courses from L2 through to L5, such as Learning and Development, Management, ICT, Customer Service, Finance and others' which I can't think of right now.  The software we use to track everything is the most confusing software I have ever used.  It never does what you think it should do, and there are lots of glitches and annoyances but it's what we've got.  I travel a lot for this job up to about 2 hours from where I live.  Luckily I love to drive so this is not an issues and we get a fuel card, paying back the petrol we use at 8p a mile so it really does work in our favour.

The only problem I have at the moment is that I am going through a mania period.  This means I am struggling with sleeping, concentration and I'm spending money as if it is going out of fashion, money I really don't have.  I was given some valium to help me calm down a bit so I could at least concentrate on the job at hand and not freak my learners about before they even got to know me.

I'm also going through the most intense period of hyposexuality I have ever known.  Every man I come across is so attractive to me, I feel like I want to jump into bed with every single one of them, but of course I don't because I am a prude. But it's all I can think about, it's all I want but I don't have it.

Sleep is also an issue.  In two weeks I had only about 10 hours sleep.  Last night I got 8 and now I am awake and struggling for things to do.  I have cleaned the flat, including the carpets, I have taken stuff to CeX that I wanted to get rid off.  I am taking the rejects to the dump on Tuesday.  I have a bag full of clothes that will go to Cash4clothes on Tuesday as well.  It has really helped to clear out my spare room, otherwise known as the 'library'.  But it does look good to have clean carpets.

I really want someone to stay up with me when I am like this so that the nights don't seem so long.  It's the hardest part when there is nothing to do, physically, playing computer games is not possible due to the fact that there is no movement involved so I just wonder from room to room trying to find something to do, trying not to make too much  noise so I don't wake the neighbours.  Sometimes I start dancing with my headphones on, but that usually leads me to singing loudly... again waking the neighbours is not an option.  Sometimes I go for a walk but living in a town I don't tend to feel safe with so many drunks around.  I find it more comforting to walk in the dark in the countryside but there is no where really to walk like that around here.  

So I browse the net, scratch the itch and try my hardest not to spend money I don't have.  I would go for a drive but trying to afford petrol is near impossible.  The fuel card from work has yet to arrive.  So what I am meant to do is beyond me.  My pDoc and CPN refuse to give me any sort of medication to help me with all this, so here I am, trying desperately to keep myself safe but with too much energy raging around my body and having no idea what to do about it.

As much as Mania can be a lot of fun, there are also some real downsides to it and tonight will be one of those nights. It's only 1.30am and I know I have a long night ahead of me.  The other issue is that when the nights are long, the days can feel long as well, especially if you're not going to see anyone. Long nights and long days lead to some horrible times.  When you know it's going to be happening I hate it but when I'm in full blow mania I don't care about this, but I am moving up and I know what's about to happen.

I keep reading from other Bipolars, that there are positives to bipolar... I have yet to work this out.  If there are positives I want to know about them, I want to experience them.  I don't want to have bipolar any more, I want to be 'normal'.

I also want a relationship but I know that if I can't stand to be around myself how is someone else meant to.  I have my ups and downs, more than most, I can be irritable and irrational, I can be so high that I feel like I can accomplish anything and everything and take on too much.  People can't keep up with me and I get frustrated due to the fact no one can keep up with me.  If I am like that, how can anyone love that.  I've already lost one person I was falling in love with, I have lost many friends over all of this..... how can anyone love this broken, fucked up person.

A letter for those in power - sarcasm

Dear Government,
I must thank you for your support as I struggle to come to terms  with my Bipolar diagnosis.

First of all, thank you for allowing companies to allow to pay SSP.  Living on my own I can't believe just how easy it was to pay my bills on £88.45 a week.  

Secondly, thank you for the housing benefit of £90 a week.  My rent is £470 a month, which leaves me a deficit of £110.  Which my £88.45 will help with that.  I also have gas, electric, council tax, water rates, prepayment prescription certificate (which makes it cheaper to get my bipolar and asthma meds).  There is also TV licence, car tax, car insurance, petrol, MOT, internet and phone.  All of which is so easy to pay on what benefits I am entitled to.  Food is not important, neither is items for personal hygiene.  After all who needs deodorant/antiperspirant, shampoo, toilet paper or the likes.  After all being clean is not really going to help me with my recovery. 

I have really enjoyed being in the house by myself constantly since I have so much spare money that I want to be frugal and keep it all in a savings account, after all I have to think about my retirement.

I really appreciate how the Government really appreciate the work force who work hard all their professional career and require a little support whilst they sort their health out.  I'm really enjoying the support I have received from the years of tax and national insurance I have paid since I was 16.

You are an amazing government and would really like you to continue in power, as your support has been amazing.

Spikexx

Well fuckadoodledo

In March 2011, due to lack of funding, I lost my job. My mother, fortunately, allowed me to move back home with her. In August of the same year, I managed to get myself a part time job, in a college for adult SLD students. It was an amazing job and I loved it. As time went on I realised that one of the directors took a dislike to me (other colleagues pointed this out as well) and as time went on the job became tricky as everything I did was wrong in her eyes, and I was brought up to her office over the smallest of things. My colleagues rallied around me to support me and I appreciated that.

Went the two current managers started my place of work just got worse. I was intimidated and humiliated in front of other staff members. Again there were colleagues that support me during this. 

In May of last year I attempted to take my own life and failed. Someone I classed as a friend (Z) cornered me at work. She said she could tell that something was wrong. I broke down and told her about my attempt. Nothing more was said. A month or so later I hurt myself. Again she cornered me and I told her what I had done. Jump forward 6 months (give or take) and she watched me talk to another friend (L) about a problem I was have. L was a better person to talk to about the sort of problem I was having. Z, I assume, got jealous about this and went to the management team and told them that over the past 6 months I had attempted suicide no less that 5 times and that I had been hurting myself nearly every week since.

This was not the case, but management hauled me upstairs. They made me feel like a criminal, they spoke to me with distain and disgust and were condensing. once of them even saying 'I don't think you know how to be happy and I pity you for it'. The next day I was suspended for two weeks. Once I returned to work I was forced to work in an office by myself with no contact with staff or students as just get one with some work for the full 8 hours I was there. Even during the lunch break I was not allowed contact with staff or student!

Shortly after that I went of sick as the doctors said I was unfit for work.

Thus the Bipolar II diagnosis was given and treatment started. 

Spot on three months having gone off sick I was called into work to a mandatory meeting about returning to work. I wasn't near read for this. But we chatted. Two days latter I received a letter that said they were considering terminating my contract. Which caused me a lot of stress and really did not help my recovery. Every couple of weeks or so I was called in to discuss my future at that place of work. I asked them to get a report of my pdoc to say that I was able to return to work, and explain that I was doing well with my recovery.. so on and so forth. The look on their faces were priceless. So I went away feeling quite pleased with myself because I was, for the first time ever, fighting back.

During this time I very close friend (D) talked me into applying for a number of jobs including a job where she works. She could see I was ready to return to work, but also knew that the thought of going back to my current place of work was completely stressing me out and making me anxious. So I applied for five jobs and got five job offers. This week I took the job with D as she knows me and my full history and where she works have some others with Bipolar so they already have things in place.

Today I got to go to my current place of work and hand in my resignation. 

I honest thought I would be on cloud nine, happy as anything now that I am away from one of the most toxic places I have ever worked. That is not the case. I am struggling. I feel dead inside. I made the right choice. I am happy and content with my choice. D and I make an awesome team and I can't wait to start working with her. Yes, I am nervous about starting a new job (and yet another new career) but I am very confident about my choice and do not regret it at all.

So why do I feel so down. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there forever and a day. I want to fall asleep and just stay in the world with Morpheus for as long as possible. I do not want to die, just sleep. I don't want to have to get up and pretend that everything is okay. I should be celebrating my decision and it's outcome. Instead I just feel like ****. Things can only get better from here. I don't want to feel like this!

Everything is awesome!!!!

Everything is awesome

Everything is cool when you're part of a team

Everything is awesome

When we're living our dream

Lego:The Movie

So I got offered a new job today.  This is going to be really good for me.  My current place of work is a poisonous place, back stabbing, destroying self confidence, where you need to watch your back constantly because someone is looking to destroy it.  

I've now been off work for 6 months due to my mental health issues.  They have no been supportive.  They have made me feel like a criminal, like I am pointless and worthless.   Just at the interview for my new job they made me feel as though my Bipolar is not an issue and they are going to put stuff into place for when I get ill.  To ensure that I can always do the best job that I can.  It's brilliant.  

Tomorrow I have to contact my current place of work to make a meeting so I can discuss my leaving date.  I'm going to totally enjoy that meeting and to shove it in their face that I am going on to better things.

I am going into a job that offer proper transferable training, Proper benefits such as sick pay, pension etc.  Really support for learning the job and dealing with the job including if I become ill.

This is an amazing day, can't wait until tomorrow!

And the fight goes on!

So it's been a while and it's not been easy. In some ways I do feel better but I still get frustrated but how my moods change. I still get depressed and I still get manic. It's not as extreme as it was but the changes in mood are still there.

I have been volunteering at the local library to see if I am ready to get back to work. The idea being that working in a job that does not have any pressure is a good way of seeing if I can cope with being back at work. When I work at the library I have to put on that positive, life is amazing face. It exhausts me. So I am not socialising much. I have barely talked to anyone outside of work or my family. I have cut everybody off. I know that I am not ready to go back to work but financial I have to go back over the next month. Money is getting really tough. I have cut down on everything but I still don't make ends meet  completely. SSP sucks. My next job will have proper benefits and training. If I have an episode like this again I have to know that I won't have the stress of mony on top of everything else. I also know when I finally go back to work (if they don't dismiss me) I have to face all the rumors that have been floating around and all the lies my 'friend' has been telling people. I know what she has said because I have had people texting me to find out what is going on and if what she says is true. I have not replied since it's non of their buisness. However, apart from those texts only 1 person has text me and met up with me, and 1 other who has sent 1 text to say they missed me but didn't ask about the rumors being spread. This leads me to believe that this person does care but I am weary of everyone in that place baring the 1 person who has been meeting me.   Work is going to be awful. I am looking for other work but it's hard in education right now as it's mid scholastic year. June/July is when jobs appear.

I don't see things getting better anytime soon. I just want to pack a bag and just leave. Everything just sucks.

I did a rotton thing the other week. I was feeling really horny and I allowed someone, who I know has a thing for me, believe we were going to try out relationship again. We ended up sexting. I felt awful afterwoods because I know that I would never go for a relationship with him. I didn't first time round and certainly not now. I was veing unfair and did tell him that.

I know I can't help having bipolar, it's as part of me as my grey streak is. But I hate it. I hate how it rules my life. The time to have the medication, having to watch my moods, being cautious all the time about what I say and what I do and most of all the way I have been betrayed my supposed 'friends' over all this. It has cost me much and it doesn't give anything on return. There is no pay off. At least with my dyslexia I have to think outside the box and come up with creative solution to issues and have been told my lessons are imaginative and fun and the students learn a lot from them. But with bipolar there is nothing positive about it. It screws with every part of my life. I can only try and enjoy the 'calm' moments I my life, which are few and far between.  I wish I didn't have this awful disorder but I do.

Trinity

The Trinity is one God who exists simultaneously in three persons. 

Each is coequal, copowerful, and coeternal with the other. 

Each person--Father, Son and Holy Spirit--is not the other. 

Without either there is no God. All comprise the one God

So I have come to understand that there are three parts to me now.  

There is the manic me where I have so much energy I have no idea what to do with it, so I start redecorating at 2am or cleaning my kitchen at 3am.  I go out for walks, I talk at 90 miles an hour unable to stop myself, I spend too much money, I don't look after myself properly, only eat if it's something I don't have to cook (McDonalds here I come)... I just keep moving, never stopping, sleep only happening ever few night and only for a few hours.  I socialise all the time, with different sets of people so no one can see what is happening.  I try and be out of the house for as long as possible.  I also tend to drive too fast.  I can put myself in dangerous situations like getting drunk and walking home at 3am down unlit roads.  I just don't care, life is just there for the grabbing to hell with everything else.  I wash a little bit more than when I'm depressed but not by much.  Once i've been like this for a while I start getting ratty and rude when people are  not as fast as me and are slow and annoying

There is depressed me where everything makes me anxious, where I don't like to get out of bed, where I sleep all the time.  I don't eat, I don't interact with people, I don't do much of anything.  Just lay in bed.  I don't wash, I don't change my clothes, I only munch on little things.  Anything that means I don't have to get out of bed.  I hate the phone going, I hate being on the internet, I will avoid life as much as I can and if people do notice and start calling/texting me I just get really frustrated and hid even further into my bed.  

Then there is 'normal' me.  This is the me I'm not sure about.  This is the me I don't think I have ever got to know.  I've always been either manic or depressed, never anything in between.  Now there is this third person in my life and I'm not sure what to do with her.  When I am her life is copable.  Nothing is overwhelming, I can deal with stress and pressure as if they are nothing.  I go out and be with people without upsetting them or me.  I don't want to hurt myself, in fact I don't know why i would want to hurt myself when I am this person.  This person turns up for a little while before moving into one of the other two.

So I am now trying to balance my life with these three people.  I know I have to keep taking my meds so that these three people can try and coexist in a way that does not disrupt my life as the other two have.  I'm just not sure this is what I want.  This 'normal' me is a stranger to me and I don't know if it's someone I want to let into my life.  I don't trust people normally so how the hell do I trust this one.  I know it's me, but it's not me.  All three of these people are me whilst at the same time not being me.  It's so confusing.

I haven't been taking my meds either.  I just don't see the point.  I'm not convinced I'm any better off now than I was before.  At least before I had a job (not always easy but I was getting there with it), I had a Boyfriend, I had money, I had a life... now I'm just a rollercoaster that is going extremely fast and just about staying on it's track, just one wrong move and it's all over.  I wish I could go back to the beginning of October and do it all over again.  Make different moves and most of all not confide in the person I thought was a friend who then screwed me over.

I should mention that it doesn't really bother me that they told management that I had mental health issues and what I had been doing... what bothers me is the fact that the person made it sound like I had attempted suicide many times and that I was cutting myself constantly, and they started telling other people around college.  Making it all sound ALOT worse than it actually was/is.  I can never forgive her that.  I can forgive her for trying to get me help.   

The is a Rollercoaster.

Every woman, every man

Life is in your hand

Take a look and make a stand

and pray that you will, pray that you will

Make the most of burning toast

Watch the wheels of the roller-coaster

Doctor, doctor I feel much older

Don't you know that the jokes are all on you

Rollercoaster - Let Loose

So I've been on my meds for quite a while now.  For a little while there I felt amazing.  I wasn't manic, I wasn't depressed.  I was productive and happy and glad to be alive.  I slept well (my normal 6 hours), I did course work, I went out, I talked to people, I socialised... it was amazing.

I got a letter from work during this time asking me to come in for a meeting about returning to work.  So I went along, put some ideas forward for reasonable adjustments.  They weren't really interested in what I had to say.  Two days later I got a letter to say that they were thinking about releasing me from my contract.  I went to another meeting and put my view across and the fact they should talk to my psychiatric doctor about whether I should return to work or not and not base it on the GPs letter that was 3 months ago.  The look on their faces were priceless, I will never forget the look of  'Oh crap' on their face.  I also said that I wanted their thoughts on my ideas of 'reasonable adjustments' because it really shouldn't be just me coming up with ideas, it should be a dialogue between us, but they refused to have that conversation.  I pretty much think they want rid of me, but as I point out, although the GPs letter said that [in Dec] I was incapable of work in any format but I should be able to return to my duties with a phased return but this could take months.... again work was not happy that I pointed this out.  I walked out of that meeting on a high.  Even if i don't keep the job at least I know that I made them think about things.  If I don't go back to work I will be taking them to tribunal.  I have worked out that the benefits I get due to being released from work due to mental health issues is quite a bit more than I am currently getting.

One of the real positives out of that whole fiasco is the fact I talked to the crisis team, my CPN, CAB, ACAS and a friend.  I put my hands out for people to catch me and they did.  When I talked to my CPN after all this happened she was impressed with what I had done.  Show's that asking for help is not a bad thing.  She was impressed with how well I was looking and how nice it was that I was being positive.

Then it happened.  The shoe fell.  Everything got on top of me.  I think I put too much pressure on myself to continue doing well with the course work, to keep being happy, to do the quilt, to go out socialising and to eat and drink.  I went to bed a few nights ago, and although I didn't cry, I did find my blade and I started cutting into my skin and it felt amazing.  Every time I do it I forget just how amazing if feels and how great I feel.  It is a drug to me.  The next day I discovered that I had lost out at my PIP application so that is going to tribunal as well.  So another night was spent cutting.

Now I have shut myself off from people.  I've only left the house if me mother has demanded it of me.  Like when she locked herself out of the house, when she took me to the doctors (I have conjunctivitis), took me to the garden centre so I can start on my vegetable patch.  Other than that I have not talked to anyone.  My phone is on silent so I can miss calls, I've not been on face book, I've not gone socialising... nothing except sit at home watching TV, read or sleep.

I also did another stupid thing. I got hold of a friend of mine whom I know has carried a flame for me for a great many years, since we went on a date where I fell asleep on him due to having just worked (and been awake for) a 24 hour shift.  I had been home 2 hours before going on a date to the cinema.  Anyway, I knew he has always had a thing for me.  So the other night I was talking to him.  Telling him how I regretted that I never gave us a chance back then.  I told him about the bipolar and the self harming and suicide attempts and he didn't flinch.  We kept talking and before I know it were sexting.  It wasn't doing anything for me but I kept it up (excuse the pun)  for him, leading him to believe that maybe we could start (a long distance) relationship.  The next morning I felt awful because I don't feel that way about him, I never have.  It was so wrong of me to do that to him and now I don't know what to do.  He has text me every day since until today I told him to leave me alone.  I don't know why I did it.

I'm still cutting.  I know I should phone my CPN or my friend but I can't.  I realised that with the issues at work it was easy for me to contact people because it was something I could talk about, it was a problem that needed to be sorted.  When I'm feeling down, shutting myself off, there isn't anything I can do about it.  It's not a problem I can talk about because there is nothing to be fixed.  It's just part of who I am.  How do I talk about that!!!!!

Few weeks on

All of the perfection nothing will and can be made

The old skin has to shed before the new one sees the day

Opportunities to find the deeper powers in ourselves

Comes when life is breathing and seems more than what it is

Go blindly completely"

Volbeat: Cape of Our Hero

So it's been a while since I've written anything.

I'm not depressed, or what I recognise as depressed, but I'm not manic either. This is strange within itself as for years I've either been one or the other. I have no middle ground. The meds are doing funny things to me, that is what I do know and all I know.

I was with my niece and nephew today and I love being with them but this weekend I could quite have easily gone home and not been with them. I wasn't annoyed at them, I just didn't want to be with them. I do have a trapped nerve at the moment so I'm in a lot of pain, but I've been in serious pain before and yet still want to be with my niece and nephew and still enjoyed every second with them.

I'm now at home and just want to sit and forget about the world for a while by watching a film. I went through me extensive (1000+) move collection and I couldn't face watching any of them because they would trigger me in one way or another. So I have no idea what I want to do.

I an always on the verge of crying but I never actually cry, perhaps a tear every now and then but no real crying. 

I want to bake, like really bake a lot of things, but I have no inclination to eat any of it.

I am managing to go to my social groups and I can get over hyped when I'm there, then I just seem to hit a point where they all annoy me and just want to go home and get away from them all, or shout at them how much they are idiots.

There are some days where I feel everyone wants things from me and I hate them for expecting me to do stuff. I mean really hate them. On the other hand I hate people for not asking me to do stuff, including going out for an evening.

I am so confused, I don't feel like myself, I don't recognise anything I'm going through and it annoys me, and terrifies me.

There are things i want to do to myself and I know I shouldn't but I'm so sick to death of feeling like this. I want to feel like me again. I want to recognise me again.

I want to sleep but I either get no sleep or if I do sleep it is plagued with nightmares. I can't even tell you what they are about because I don't remember a single bit of it. I just wake up with my heart pounding in my chest trying to get out, I struggle to catch my breath, my adrenaline is pumping through my body at an amazing rate and my entire body is just dripping with sweat, my body is boiling hot and I need a shower just to cool down.

I know I need to eat, but I resent the fact I have to so I just eat cereal. My mother invites me to hers to eat and I go otherwise she'll over worry about me, and be on my case. So I go to hers and force myself to eat but then I hate myself for eating something.

I am trying to not drink cherry coke (or any fizzy drinks) because my teeth are paying the price. The enamel on my teeth is slowing being eroded away, but I find it near impossible to do although I've told people I've not had any fizzy drinks in the house for 2 weeks. It's a lie. I'm sitting here now with a bottle of cherry coke (with a straw to try and help with the teeth issue) wanting to enjoy it, and I am, but I also feel unbelievably guilty for drinking it.

I keep hearing my past catching up with me 'you're useless' 'you have no place with us' 'you will never know what it means to be happy, and I pity you for that' 'your aspirations are set too high' 'you don't deserve to be here' 'why can't you just be normal' 'you're not worth dating' 'you're sick' 'just die' 'you're not normal in the head' 'you can't be loved, you're just wrong' 'youre fat' 'your'e ugly' .... all this and more just keep going round and round my head and it just suck right now.

I don't get to see my CPN for three weeks as she is on holiday, the Pdoc never seems to listen to me or seems to even care. He's meant to be this bigwig in the bipolar medical scene. He gives me the impression that he has this 'box' idea of what/who I am and just deals with all that. He doesn't actually listen to what I'm saying or do anything about how I'm feeling and what I tell him. My CPN isn't much better. Too busy interrupting me to actually hear me.

I want to have sex, like really have sex but I don't want anyone to touch me, let alone have sex. So I don't have sex and never have. I want to have sex and yet at the same time I don't want it. To be that close to someone, for someone to see me and be with me is not something I ever want.

I am full of contradictions, always have been and I don't think it's ever going to change. I use to be content with my lot in life, with the highs and the lows. The self harming and suicide attempts, the mania and all that goes with it. Now I don't know. I don't know if I want this as my life. I don't know if it will ever get better.

STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF. This is also the closest I will ever tell anyone everything that I feel or don't feel. I struggle to ask for help or open up to real people.