3 months

It's been three months since G and I started our month long sex affair.  He had a scratch to itch, and I just wanted to experience sex.  We agreed that it was not to be long term, we were just going to do our thing until he left at the end of August.

The first night I slept in his bed we agreed to this.  I freaked out when he went to take my clothes off and he just help me saying that just being in bed together would be great and if we had sex that would be great.  Sex of course did happen and we've been experimenting.  Different positions, different locations, different touches, different toys.  It's been quite an awakening.  Even for him.  He's only slept with one person before.

Three months down the line we're still in our sex affair. I asked him if we were just sex and friends or if it was something more.  I admitted to him the other week that I look forward to our weekends together, more than I probably should do.  He said he enjoyed our weekends together.  He didn't know how he felt about things.

We are still carrying on with our sex affair.  I have no idea what we're doing.  I'm not even sure how I feel about things.  I know I really enjoy spending time with him.  I know I enjoy the sex we're having.  I know I enjoy talking to him about everything and anything.  

When I was seeing C he made my heart flutter, I felt sick, I was nervous.  He didn't really make feel at ease.  We had fun making out, we went out places, held hands etc but I never felt comfortable.

With G it's different.  I knew him before our sex affair, we had always spent a lot of time together and laughed and teased.  I would have some sort of party  at mine everyone would leave and it would just be me and him talking until the ridiculous hours of the morning.  It would not be unknown for him to leave after the sun had come up.  Even on a week day.  We'd be up all night and then have to go to work.  He is the only person I know where I've been hands on with, who has been hands on with me and I have not freaked out.  He saw my walls, my moats, my barriers and walked through them all as if they were not even there.

I slept in his arms.  I slept in his bed.  I don't like sleeping at peoples houses, it freaks me out.  I like my bed.  However, I went to his and slept in his bed and it didn't freak me out (for a few nights at least).  When I did start to freak, he allowed me, he held me and just reassured me that it was okay.  He has dealt with everything my mental health has thrown at him and just dealt with it.  I suspect that's because this is just 'friends with benefits' not a long term relationship so it doesn't matter what my mental health throws at him since he doesn't need to deal with it for any length of time.

I know that I like what we're doing.  I am confused about just how comfortable with him. It scares me, it terrifies me.   Never in my life has there been anyone I have let in or been as open as in such a short time.  I have A Person, the one person you tell everything, but before she became My Person it was two years before I trusted her enough even to start saying anything. Yet G walks in and within months I was telling him stuff. 

There are times I see us together, he's good for me.  He keeps me stable, he makes me want to be well and fight to be well.  So I don't know if I want to be with him because I genuinely like him and want to try and real relationship with him or it's just because he makes me want to stay well and do what ever I can to be well.

I'm so confused.

Slow Motion Car Crash

So I've crashed, but it has been a slow come down.  I could see this happening, I could feel it happen and there was fuck all I could do about it.  I would rather have the quick crash, which could happen almost over night.  At least I couldn't see it coming, that way I would just go with it.  Of course it's bad when I'm down because I can get suicidal (thoughts and actual), I can start cutting, I pull away from everyone and push people away, I don't want to get out of bed, I sleep all the time.

However, this time I am down, I have pushed people away, I have been thinking about suicide and cutting, I don't want to get out of bed but I don't sleep. I get maybe an hour or two a night.  But it makes me tired for the rest of the day.  So I don't do anything, which makes me worse, but I don't sleep.  It's a vicious cycle.  I really want to cut at the moment, and the only think that stops me is by having a drink.  But I'm not meant to drink until I settle into the medication.  I tried to talk to the CPN about it but she wasn't in the mood to listen, and certainly didn't ask any questions.  I don't really get on with her, I miss my old CPN but I was living in a different area and I think he's retired now.  He was the best thing I have ever come across when dealing with my mental health.  I wish he was here now.

I know the meds are meant to be a good thing, that over time they will balance me out but right now I do wonder why I bother to take them.  For example, if I take seven times longer to crash does that mean that the down time will be seven times longer and to come up takes seven times longer.  If that's the case I won't cope with it.  My down periods are already around 3-4 months taking 7 times longer is just horrifying.  I couldn't deal with that.  I rely on the hyper moods to help me through.  It's during these times I create support networks and friends.  Then I crash and people know what's up and keep an eye on me.

That won't happen this time, one 1 person from work has made any sort of contact with me.  I haven't talk to any of my 'friends' in over 10 days and no one has noticed.  No, that's a lie, 1 person has but he doesn't do well on his own and his girlfriend on the other side of the world for the next month.  When he's on his own he depends on me for support.  Which, as the Muppet I am, I keep giving him.  This time I told him to grow a pair, learn to be on his own and leave me the fuck alone.  Which he has.  Other than that no one has noticed I'm not around.  I know it's been Christmas and new year but no one has got in touch.  Maybe I don't have the friends I think I have.

I'm also crying at every strong emotion, happy, sad, angry, confusion, frustration etc.  I'm watching TV and I cry.  Something wonderful happens and I cry, I watch Russell Howards Good News and I cry.  It's insane and I don't like it.

I don't know.  I am so confused about everything. How I feel? How I want to act? What this new me is going to be like.  However, I'm still debating weather this is all worth it.  Perhaps I should just give it all up and go back to the way I was.  Lose my job and see if I find something else, or just give up entirely.

Decision making sucks!

Noramilty

So I have to reassess what is meant by 'normal'  For years my normal means that I'm either dangerously depressed or so hyper that I have no idea what to do with myself.  These two extremes is what I am, nothing more and nothing less.  However, since I've been on medication I'm in neither extreme and it's so strange.  For a number of weeks I have struggled with being able to sleep and just dozing during the day because I am too tired to do anything else.

Today has been different.  Today, although I am still tired, it doesn't feel so bad.  I'm beginning to get through the tired part and am more awake.  My brain is still working slowly but not as bad as it was.  I do feel more on the ball.  It's like I'm coming out of a thick fog into a more minimal fog.

I suppose I do have to work out what I man by normal, what am I when I am stable, what is the new me.  I know I'm not me any more.  I just don't know who or what I am.  And it terrifies me.  What will people think of the new me, people only really like me when I'm hyper.  Any other way I am no one wants to know.  If I don't go hyper any more I'm just going to disappear, hyper was the only thing that  got me out and about. I'm scared that I will just sit at home and not manage to do any thing, not because I'm depressed but because I don't have the energy to do anything, I will not longer manage to go out anywhere, I will fade away and shrivel into to nothing.

Part of me wants to stop taking the meds so that I can feel like me again, but I know this would not be a wise idea, but I miss the other me, the hyper active me, even the depressed me.  At least I understand who I was then.  At least the get out was easier, right now I don't know how i feel about anything, I don't know how to react to anything.  I just walk through the world and hope I do the right thing.