Everything is awesome!!!!

Everything is awesome

Everything is cool when you're part of a team

Everything is awesome

When we're living our dream

Lego:The Movie

So I got offered a new job today.  This is going to be really good for me.  My current place of work is a poisonous place, back stabbing, destroying self confidence, where you need to watch your back constantly because someone is looking to destroy it.  

I've now been off work for 6 months due to my mental health issues.  They have no been supportive.  They have made me feel like a criminal, like I am pointless and worthless.   Just at the interview for my new job they made me feel as though my Bipolar is not an issue and they are going to put stuff into place for when I get ill.  To ensure that I can always do the best job that I can.  It's brilliant.  

Tomorrow I have to contact my current place of work to make a meeting so I can discuss my leaving date.  I'm going to totally enjoy that meeting and to shove it in their face that I am going on to better things.

I am going into a job that offer proper transferable training, Proper benefits such as sick pay, pension etc.  Really support for learning the job and dealing with the job including if I become ill.

This is an amazing day, can't wait until tomorrow!

The is a Rollercoaster.

Every woman, every man

Life is in your hand

Take a look and make a stand

and pray that you will, pray that you will

Make the most of burning toast

Watch the wheels of the roller-coaster

Doctor, doctor I feel much older

Don't you know that the jokes are all on you

Rollercoaster - Let Loose

So I've been on my meds for quite a while now.  For a little while there I felt amazing.  I wasn't manic, I wasn't depressed.  I was productive and happy and glad to be alive.  I slept well (my normal 6 hours), I did course work, I went out, I talked to people, I socialised... it was amazing.

I got a letter from work during this time asking me to come in for a meeting about returning to work.  So I went along, put some ideas forward for reasonable adjustments.  They weren't really interested in what I had to say.  Two days later I got a letter to say that they were thinking about releasing me from my contract.  I went to another meeting and put my view across and the fact they should talk to my psychiatric doctor about whether I should return to work or not and not base it on the GPs letter that was 3 months ago.  The look on their faces were priceless, I will never forget the look of  'Oh crap' on their face.  I also said that I wanted their thoughts on my ideas of 'reasonable adjustments' because it really shouldn't be just me coming up with ideas, it should be a dialogue between us, but they refused to have that conversation.  I pretty much think they want rid of me, but as I point out, although the GPs letter said that [in Dec] I was incapable of work in any format but I should be able to return to my duties with a phased return but this could take months.... again work was not happy that I pointed this out.  I walked out of that meeting on a high.  Even if i don't keep the job at least I know that I made them think about things.  If I don't go back to work I will be taking them to tribunal.  I have worked out that the benefits I get due to being released from work due to mental health issues is quite a bit more than I am currently getting.

One of the real positives out of that whole fiasco is the fact I talked to the crisis team, my CPN, CAB, ACAS and a friend.  I put my hands out for people to catch me and they did.  When I talked to my CPN after all this happened she was impressed with what I had done.  Show's that asking for help is not a bad thing.  She was impressed with how well I was looking and how nice it was that I was being positive.

Then it happened.  The shoe fell.  Everything got on top of me.  I think I put too much pressure on myself to continue doing well with the course work, to keep being happy, to do the quilt, to go out socialising and to eat and drink.  I went to bed a few nights ago, and although I didn't cry, I did find my blade and I started cutting into my skin and it felt amazing.  Every time I do it I forget just how amazing if feels and how great I feel.  It is a drug to me.  The next day I discovered that I had lost out at my PIP application so that is going to tribunal as well.  So another night was spent cutting.

Now I have shut myself off from people.  I've only left the house if me mother has demanded it of me.  Like when she locked herself out of the house, when she took me to the doctors (I have conjunctivitis), took me to the garden centre so I can start on my vegetable patch.  Other than that I have not talked to anyone.  My phone is on silent so I can miss calls, I've not been on face book, I've not gone socialising... nothing except sit at home watching TV, read or sleep.

I also did another stupid thing. I got hold of a friend of mine whom I know has carried a flame for me for a great many years, since we went on a date where I fell asleep on him due to having just worked (and been awake for) a 24 hour shift.  I had been home 2 hours before going on a date to the cinema.  Anyway, I knew he has always had a thing for me.  So the other night I was talking to him.  Telling him how I regretted that I never gave us a chance back then.  I told him about the bipolar and the self harming and suicide attempts and he didn't flinch.  We kept talking and before I know it were sexting.  It wasn't doing anything for me but I kept it up (excuse the pun)  for him, leading him to believe that maybe we could start (a long distance) relationship.  The next morning I felt awful because I don't feel that way about him, I never have.  It was so wrong of me to do that to him and now I don't know what to do.  He has text me every day since until today I told him to leave me alone.  I don't know why I did it.

I'm still cutting.  I know I should phone my CPN or my friend but I can't.  I realised that with the issues at work it was easy for me to contact people because it was something I could talk about, it was a problem that needed to be sorted.  When I'm feeling down, shutting myself off, there isn't anything I can do about it.  It's not a problem I can talk about because there is nothing to be fixed.  It's just part of who I am.  How do I talk about that!!!!!

The unexplainable that is my life

What a few months I have had.

Started a few months ago, when due to a bad judgement on my part, I honestly thought I would loose my job.  There is a bit of a thing at work where 'if your face don't fit your contract is not renewed'.  So when this misjudgement happened, I thought I'd be told that my contract would not be renewed.  However, I was most surprised to discover that I was doing to have a letter of disciplinary on my record for the next two years.  Which I have to say that all things considered, I can live with that.  What really scared me about the whole situation was the fact, that I planned to kill myself should I have lost my job.  I wrote a will and I picked out a place, got all my affairs in order, the works.  The only thing that stopped me killing myself the night I discovered that I was under disciplinary review was the fact I was the main role in a play and I could not leave everyone in the lurch.  So the plan was on the final night, after the final show.  I would say fair well to everyone, and go off to my location and that would be that.

We also had at work, this week, our PDRs (Personal Development Review).  I hate these things at the best of time as I always score myself low, this year was no different.  I actually got told off in my meeting about this as I really underestimated myself this time.  The tutor I work with scored me sevens and eights, whilst I scored myself 3s and 4s.  I got told that I'm doing a damn fine job and I need to believe in myself and be stronger in what I am doing.  Easier said than done but still it was an interesting meeting.  I actually lost sleep over it for no reason really but there you go.  That's me all over isn't it.

I have also been told at work that I can go near enough full time.  From five half days to 3 full days and 2 half days, which means I get to keep the two morning a week job I have.  I am also changing classrooms, due to the fact 'I could teach other staff lessons about how to sit down and just get on with the work we have to do'.  However there is a rumour that those who are changing classrooms are on their last chance, and if it doesn't work in the new class room then that's it.  Job gone.  I don't think that applies to me due to the PDR I got but you never know.

The not so great thing is that my business I have started up is going nowhere fast.  Not one single customer.  I'm heartbroken.  I thought that by now I would have a slow but steady stream of clients, especially since when I was practising and looking for guinea pigs volunteers I got them in abundance.  Now I can find no one.  Frustrating as all hell.  But never mind, no doubt the business will start off at some point.  Even if it is not going as quick as I had hopped.

Update

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing you're fucking perfect to me.

Fucking Perfect: Pink

So it's been a while since I've last posted and my God a lot's changed.  Shortly after losing my job and my home, I moved back in with Mam.  It was tough to begin with but we've made it work, and got really use to each other and our peculiar little ways again.  Shortly after I moved in with Mam, I went to the doctors and asked if I could be put on Anti-depressents, and they did, with out any hesitation.  So I've been on them since mid April, and I have to say I'm doing really well on them.  The only side effect I really have with them is my neverending appitate, so I'm going to ask the doctors to help me out and give me something to stop it.

One of the major advatages of moving in with Mam, is that I'm closer to my niece and get to see a lot more of her.  She is now 19 months old and is a little wizard on her feet and often gets herself into pickles because she likes to climb up but can never climb down and get's stuck.  She keeps us on our toes.

In August I got a job after six months unemployment.  Now it's only 22.5 hours a week but still it's better than not working.  I am a Learning Support Assistant (LSA) for a college for Adults with Server Learning Difficulties.  I'm loving it.  Totally and completely.

I also past my Hypnotherapy course and in the new year I will be getting my insurance so I can finally make my business a reality.  At the moment everything is just thearetical and I'm just waiting to get things finialised.  I'm hoping that with this business that I can earn enough to either move out of Mams or safe up a deposit so I can buy a place of my own.

Toska (my tortoise) is forever growing and is even bonding with my niece, and she with him.  It's brilliant.  When I finally die in many decades, I can will him to her and she should take him on.  It'll be awesome.

I have joined a local am-dram group and have done three plays so far and am working for the third one and am also trying to sort out dirrecting for another one later on in the season.  I've been doing sound for all the other shows, so it'll be interesting taking that leap and going for directorship.

So life is looking up.  I'm stable.  I may not be happy (not that I know what that looks like), but I'm doing okay.

Epic Fail

Well I've well and truly done it this time.  I've lost my job.  With this job though it also means I lose my home. I'm moving back in with my mother.

I feel the depression coming back and have no idea how to stop it.  I'm not strong enough, not this time. I have nothing to fight for. I'm lost.

All and complete change.

Anyone who has been reading my blog for many years when it started over at blog-city, knows that for a number of reasons, one of which is my dyslexia, is that I do not handle change very well.

Over the past eighteen months I have had a lot of change, I changed jobs twice, I've moved three times.... it's been quite a ride.  I had hoped that when I moved into my current house and started my current job I could stay put for a while I get my equilibrium back again.  However this wasn't to be.  Here I am sitting on my third to alst shift at work, knowing that on Monday not only do I move but I also get to change jobs.

My new job is going to be awesome it's what I want in a job.  I will be working in a retreat centre for young people to explore their Catholic faith.  In one year we will see 18,000 young people.  I'm going to be working as senior retreat leader.  It's going to be great.  This is what I'm convinced that the good Lord wants me to do with my life.  The sticky point is the fact that I have to live in community.  I really want my own place but it's just not meant to be.  In it's own time.

However the point of this post is the fact that on Monday I have yet another big change in my life and I'm not sure how well I'm dealing with it.  My sleeping is all over the place, my eating is all over the place, at night when I can't sleep I can feel myself on the edge of a panic attack and I can feel myself starting to cry and shake.  As much as I want my job, and I'm uber excited about it and I truly believe this is right for me I'm not sure I'm strong enough to deal with yet another change in my life in such a short period.

It's been a long time since I've felt settled.  It's a long time since I've really felt safe. When I was in Berkshire, I lived in a house for two and a half years, I did a job for three years.  It felt good even when I was stressed to high hell and my depression was really bad.

All I want is to feel like everything  is safe and secure.