Family

I have a finely balanced relationship with my family.  I would appear to family events as my duty and then go on with my life with the occasional nod to the family when it was needed.  If I turned up to any event there would be very little opportunity for me to talk about what was going on in my life, my job or how I was feeling about anything.  I would just sit there talking about their lives.  When the niece and nephews came along it became easier to be around as I could just concentrate on them.  Be the fun aunt who made them laugh and spoilt them.  I didn't need to talk about my life or my feelings.  There was just the kids.

I'm not sure my sister or my mother realise this happens.

Then I got ill.  I think at that point my mother realised there was a lot in my life I just never talked about, never let her into.  This has put a chasm between us.... or more to the point, made her realise there was a chasm there.  In the past, I have tried to talk to her about things but she never wanted to listen.  She didn't seem to care about it, I don't think she knows how to deal with it.  All she does is make me feel like I'm broken.

Then I started seeing G.  I say seeing, we're not a couple as such, we enjoy each others company, we enjoy teasing each other, we enjoy spending time together, and we certainly enjoy the sex.  We are not the love of each others lives.  At some point, he will find someone his own age who will give him the family he deserves, whom he wants to wine and dine, whom he wants to be romantic with.  I am not that person and I will never be the person.  However, I screwed up very early on.  I told my mother about him.  It was more because I needed help with my pet.as I was going away at weekends. 

She is now putting pressure on to meet him.  Neither G nor I want to meet families.  Ever time I see my mother she gets wound up by the fact she has not met G yet.  It's got to the point where I try very hard to speak to her or spend time with her.  The other day she had a go at me saying that my priorities were wrong.  That I needed to spend more time with the family.  What she doesn't realise is that I am spending no less time with the family than I have before.  She's just pissed that I've not introduced her to G.

She also talked about how I should be a better support for my sister, make an effort and go and see her.  It is very rare for me to see my sister unless it's a family do.... a special occasion.  We are not close.  My sister is having problems of her own and Mam wants me to support her.  I've not told my mother that I recently went back to the CMHT and got put on anti-depressants because I was struggling with a low period and had been self-harming and thoughts of dying.   My mother does not see my mood changes.  She just wants the good me, the one she thinks she understands.

I have always just got on with things.  I have my problems and I deal with them as best I can, on my own, as I always have.  These days I do have support, G, Blaster and GM.  People in my life who know what is going on with me and I am slowly getting use to the fact that they are there if I need them.  My family is just not part of that support group.  It's just the way it is.  Always have been.  I don't turn to my family.

I think my mother is beginning to realise there is a bigger problem with me and the family.  G is a symptom of a bigger issue.

I don't know what I should do about this, or if I want to do anything about this.

I think things will get better when I move out away from her, and have a life without her, without my sister.  Just visiting at important events.  They don't need me.  I'm not sure I need them.