Pros and Cons

I am really struggling.  Part of it my own fault because I stopped taking my meds for a few days and started off a crash.  When I started the meds up again I moved back into my manic phases, although it will be a while before I'm actually in full mania.

Since I fucked up the meds I am, emotionally, all over the place.  Today I have been up since 5am, I didn't go to bed until 3.30am so sleep is not on my agenda at the moment.  I spent an hour or so crying, and I don't just mean a little cry, I mean full on, from the depth of my soul sobbing.  I couldn't tell you what it was about, but it was just crying and I struggled for it to stop.

As a result during the day, any sort of big emotion I felt almost brought me to tears.  I'm trying to get the flat's management company to sort out the leak in the porch.  This has been an ongoing issue for about 3 years now.  No-one now why this happens or where it all originates from.  We just know it does it.  So I am now documenting everything and emailing it all to them.  So I was talking to someone from the management company today and they are going through all the motions of what has already happened in the past.  They have sent three different companies to have a look at the problem, all of which have said three different things, and have done three different things to the porch and yet it still leaks.  So they are sending out another company!  He even asked if I had reported it before, so I found all my emails about it and read off the dates to him, and told them which ones had videos on or photos on.  I was getting frustrated at this point, and although I didn't start shouting at him, I wasn't exactly being nice to him either.  Anyway, when I put the phone down on him I almost burst into tears, but I was at work on a break so I couldn't fall apart so I distracted myself and kept on going.

I was on my way to work, went the wrong way and ended up being stuck on the motorway and was late for the meeting I was due to attend.  I was only about five minutes late, but still, I sat in the car praying that I would not cry and that I could keep on going.  I couldn't fall apart again.

I have spent three days feeling so overwhelmed about what I needed to do that I struggled to even get out of bed.  It was easier to just stay in bed and only occasionally  got out of bed to go to the loo or get some water.  I couldn't even watch anything because the thought of choosing something to watch was too much to bare.  So I put my music on random and I just had music going.  This morning it took me nearly an hour just to decide what clothes I was going to wear to work!

Even now I'm just finding everything overwhelming that I don't understand how I am even functioning.  I just want to stay in bed and never move again, but something keeps me going.

With the money I have been awarded I am going to get a cleaner, that would help me slightly.  Knowing that the flat is clean and tidy will mean that it's one thing that I don't need to get overwhelmed by.

Like I said I don't understand how I am functioning.

So far I don't see any benefits to being Bipolar!                            

So my new job is going very well.  The assessing itself is not easy but it's not hard either.  I have to concentrate and sometimes look things up because I can't quite remember bits and pieces.  I assess all sorts of courses from L2 through to L5, such as Learning and Development, Management, ICT, Customer Service, Finance and others' which I can't think of right now.  The software we use to track everything is the most confusing software I have ever used.  It never does what you think it should do, and there are lots of glitches and annoyances but it's what we've got.  I travel a lot for this job up to about 2 hours from where I live.  Luckily I love to drive so this is not an issues and we get a fuel card, paying back the petrol we use at 8p a mile so it really does work in our favour.

The only problem I have at the moment is that I am going through a mania period.  This means I am struggling with sleeping, concentration and I'm spending money as if it is going out of fashion, money I really don't have.  I was given some valium to help me calm down a bit so I could at least concentrate on the job at hand and not freak my learners about before they even got to know me.

I'm also going through the most intense period of hyposexuality I have ever known.  Every man I come across is so attractive to me, I feel like I want to jump into bed with every single one of them, but of course I don't because I am a prude. But it's all I can think about, it's all I want but I don't have it.

Sleep is also an issue.  In two weeks I had only about 10 hours sleep.  Last night I got 8 and now I am awake and struggling for things to do.  I have cleaned the flat, including the carpets, I have taken stuff to CeX that I wanted to get rid off.  I am taking the rejects to the dump on Tuesday.  I have a bag full of clothes that will go to Cash4clothes on Tuesday as well.  It has really helped to clear out my spare room, otherwise known as the 'library'.  But it does look good to have clean carpets.

I really want someone to stay up with me when I am like this so that the nights don't seem so long.  It's the hardest part when there is nothing to do, physically, playing computer games is not possible due to the fact that there is no movement involved so I just wonder from room to room trying to find something to do, trying not to make too much  noise so I don't wake the neighbours.  Sometimes I start dancing with my headphones on, but that usually leads me to singing loudly... again waking the neighbours is not an option.  Sometimes I go for a walk but living in a town I don't tend to feel safe with so many drunks around.  I find it more comforting to walk in the dark in the countryside but there is no where really to walk like that around here.  

So I browse the net, scratch the itch and try my hardest not to spend money I don't have.  I would go for a drive but trying to afford petrol is near impossible.  The fuel card from work has yet to arrive.  So what I am meant to do is beyond me.  My pDoc and CPN refuse to give me any sort of medication to help me with all this, so here I am, trying desperately to keep myself safe but with too much energy raging around my body and having no idea what to do about it.

As much as Mania can be a lot of fun, there are also some real downsides to it and tonight will be one of those nights. It's only 1.30am and I know I have a long night ahead of me.  The other issue is that when the nights are long, the days can feel long as well, especially if you're not going to see anyone. Long nights and long days lead to some horrible times.  When you know it's going to be happening I hate it but when I'm in full blow mania I don't care about this, but I am moving up and I know what's about to happen.

I keep reading from other Bipolars, that there are positives to bipolar... I have yet to work this out.  If there are positives I want to know about them, I want to experience them.  I don't want to have bipolar any more, I want to be 'normal'.

I also want a relationship but I know that if I can't stand to be around myself how is someone else meant to.  I have my ups and downs, more than most, I can be irritable and irrational, I can be so high that I feel like I can accomplish anything and everything and take on too much.  People can't keep up with me and I get frustrated due to the fact no one can keep up with me.  If I am like that, how can anyone love that.  I've already lost one person I was falling in love with, I have lost many friends over all of this..... how can anyone love this broken, fucked up person.

Trinity

The Trinity is one God who exists simultaneously in three persons. 

Each is coequal, copowerful, and coeternal with the other. 

Each person--Father, Son and Holy Spirit--is not the other. 

Without either there is no God. All comprise the one God

So I have come to understand that there are three parts to me now.  

There is the manic me where I have so much energy I have no idea what to do with it, so I start redecorating at 2am or cleaning my kitchen at 3am.  I go out for walks, I talk at 90 miles an hour unable to stop myself, I spend too much money, I don't look after myself properly, only eat if it's something I don't have to cook (McDonalds here I come)... I just keep moving, never stopping, sleep only happening ever few night and only for a few hours.  I socialise all the time, with different sets of people so no one can see what is happening.  I try and be out of the house for as long as possible.  I also tend to drive too fast.  I can put myself in dangerous situations like getting drunk and walking home at 3am down unlit roads.  I just don't care, life is just there for the grabbing to hell with everything else.  I wash a little bit more than when I'm depressed but not by much.  Once i've been like this for a while I start getting ratty and rude when people are  not as fast as me and are slow and annoying

There is depressed me where everything makes me anxious, where I don't like to get out of bed, where I sleep all the time.  I don't eat, I don't interact with people, I don't do much of anything.  Just lay in bed.  I don't wash, I don't change my clothes, I only munch on little things.  Anything that means I don't have to get out of bed.  I hate the phone going, I hate being on the internet, I will avoid life as much as I can and if people do notice and start calling/texting me I just get really frustrated and hid even further into my bed.  

Then there is 'normal' me.  This is the me I'm not sure about.  This is the me I don't think I have ever got to know.  I've always been either manic or depressed, never anything in between.  Now there is this third person in my life and I'm not sure what to do with her.  When I am her life is copable.  Nothing is overwhelming, I can deal with stress and pressure as if they are nothing.  I go out and be with people without upsetting them or me.  I don't want to hurt myself, in fact I don't know why i would want to hurt myself when I am this person.  This person turns up for a little while before moving into one of the other two.

So I am now trying to balance my life with these three people.  I know I have to keep taking my meds so that these three people can try and coexist in a way that does not disrupt my life as the other two have.  I'm just not sure this is what I want.  This 'normal' me is a stranger to me and I don't know if it's someone I want to let into my life.  I don't trust people normally so how the hell do I trust this one.  I know it's me, but it's not me.  All three of these people are me whilst at the same time not being me.  It's so confusing.

I haven't been taking my meds either.  I just don't see the point.  I'm not convinced I'm any better off now than I was before.  At least before I had a job (not always easy but I was getting there with it), I had a Boyfriend, I had money, I had a life... now I'm just a rollercoaster that is going extremely fast and just about staying on it's track, just one wrong move and it's all over.  I wish I could go back to the beginning of October and do it all over again.  Make different moves and most of all not confide in the person I thought was a friend who then screwed me over.

I should mention that it doesn't really bother me that they told management that I had mental health issues and what I had been doing... what bothers me is the fact that the person made it sound like I had attempted suicide many times and that I was cutting myself constantly, and they started telling other people around college.  Making it all sound ALOT worse than it actually was/is.  I can never forgive her that.  I can forgive her for trying to get me help.