Sex and Tears

Last night G and I, as always, were having sex as our goodbye for the week.  We know that we have to part ways and that we shouldn't leave it too late but we can't help but have a bit of fun before going on our way for the week.

I have trouble achieving as orgasm. Try as we might, we just don't seem to be able to get me their, whether it's via cliterol stimulation, virginal stimulation or lots of different types of stimulation. It is frustrating for me, and it's beginning to get frustrating for G and he's beginning to blame himself.

He can't blame himself as I have never manage to orgasm even when it's me on my own.  It's just something I have struggled to do.  G can try all he likes I struggle to orgasm and it's something to do with me.  I have a psychological block on this.  It doesn't matter what I do, or what someone else does I can't manage it.

Last week it changed.  We were in bed, he was doing his thing and I was getting more and more worked up and I just couldn't get anywhere so I asked him to stop.  We then had sex, he came and we cuddled for a bit.  He went to get drinks, I pretended to fall asleep and he left me too it.  Once he left the room, I couldn't stop myself I just cried.  I managed to do it quietly so he couldn't hear me.  I then got up, showered dressed, and joined him in the front room so we could play a game before going home.  He never knew.  That's the way I wanted it.

This week, however, something went really wrong.  We were in bed, he'd been playing with me for a while and I was really getting excited, and I swear I was close to climaxing, but something happened and I just burst into tears.  I had to tell him to stop.  I tried not to cry but I just couldn't stop myself.  I lay in his arms sobbing.  He just held me until it subsided.  He tried to talk to me about it, but it's a mystery to me as it is to him.  We talked about something else until I felt I was calm, but as soon as we stopped, I started crying again and again.  He was trying to hold me but I pulled away from him and just sat on the edge of the bed.  He tried to touch me but I just pulled away.  For a good five minute I just sat there crying.  Not being able to stop.  Eventually I settled and I got back in to bed.  He just held me.  We tried talking, but I don't know what was going on and I was getting as frustrated as him so we just talked about Glitch.  A new netflix show we had just finished watching.  I then started him going again and we just played and had sex, but I wasn't really into it and I ended up in pain, and he didn't come.  I think I only started stuff up again to prove that I wasn't that broken.  We both ended up falling flat.

What the hell is wrong me! why can't I just be normal.  Why can't I get excited, have an orgasm and have fun in bed.  Why am I always the broken one, the abnormal one.  Why can't I climax, I don't fucking understand this.

Every part of my body is telling me to run.  I don't like to cry in front of people, and I've told G this before.  We talked about this last night, and he said he doesn't want me to hide anything, he doesn't want me to keep stuff like this from him.  He wants to support me in my vulnerability.  Now all I want to do is run.  Run away as fast as I can.  I don't want to be around him.  I hate the fact I've been like this.  Why did I have to fuck things up? Why am I just so broken and wrong?  I hate being me sooo much.