All of the perfection nothing will and can be made
The old skin has to shed before the new one sees the day
Opportunities to find the deeper powers in ourselves
Comes when life is breathing and seems more than what it is
Go blindly completely"
Volbeat: Cape of Our Hero
So it's been a while since I've written anything.
I'm not depressed, or what I recognise as depressed, but I'm not manic either. This is strange within itself as for years I've either been one or the other. I have no middle ground. The meds are doing funny things to me, that is what I do know and all I know.
I was with my niece and nephew today and I love being with them but this weekend I could quite have easily gone home and not been with them. I wasn't annoyed at them, I just didn't want to be with them. I do have a trapped nerve at the moment so I'm in a lot of pain, but I've been in serious pain before and yet still want to be with my niece and nephew and still enjoyed every second with them.
I'm now at home and just want to sit and forget about the world for a while by watching a film. I went through me extensive (1000+) move collection and I couldn't face watching any of them because they would trigger me in one way or another. So I have no idea what I want to do.
I an always on the verge of crying but I never actually cry, perhaps a tear every now and then but no real crying.
I want to bake, like really bake a lot of things, but I have no inclination to eat any of it.
I am managing to go to my social groups and I can get over hyped when I'm there, then I just seem to hit a point where they all annoy me and just want to go home and get away from them all, or shout at them how much they are idiots.
There are some days where I feel everyone wants things from me and I hate them for expecting me to do stuff. I mean really hate them. On the other hand I hate people for not asking me to do stuff, including going out for an evening.
I am so confused, I don't feel like myself, I don't recognise anything I'm going through and it annoys me, and terrifies me.
There are things i want to do to myself and I know I shouldn't but I'm so sick to death of feeling like this. I want to feel like me again. I want to recognise me again.
I want to sleep but I either get no sleep or if I do sleep it is plagued with nightmares. I can't even tell you what they are about because I don't remember a single bit of it. I just wake up with my heart pounding in my chest trying to get out, I struggle to catch my breath, my adrenaline is pumping through my body at an amazing rate and my entire body is just dripping with sweat, my body is boiling hot and I need a shower just to cool down.
I know I need to eat, but I resent the fact I have to so I just eat cereal. My mother invites me to hers to eat and I go otherwise she'll over worry about me, and be on my case. So I go to hers and force myself to eat but then I hate myself for eating something.
I am trying to not drink cherry coke (or any fizzy drinks) because my teeth are paying the price. The enamel on my teeth is slowing being eroded away, but I find it near impossible to do although I've told people I've not had any fizzy drinks in the house for 2 weeks. It's a lie. I'm sitting here now with a bottle of cherry coke (with a straw to try and help with the teeth issue) wanting to enjoy it, and I am, but I also feel unbelievably guilty for drinking it.
I keep hearing my past catching up with me 'you're useless' 'you have no place with us' 'you will never know what it means to be happy, and I pity you for that' 'your aspirations are set too high' 'you don't deserve to be here' 'why can't you just be normal' 'you're not worth dating' 'you're sick' 'just die' 'you're not normal in the head' 'you can't be loved, you're just wrong' 'youre fat' 'your'e ugly' .... all this and more just keep going round and round my head and it just suck right now.
I don't get to see my CPN for three weeks as she is on holiday, the Pdoc never seems to listen to me or seems to even care. He's meant to be this bigwig in the bipolar medical scene. He gives me the impression that he has this 'box' idea of what/who I am and just deals with all that. He doesn't actually listen to what I'm saying or do anything about how I'm feeling and what I tell him. My CPN isn't much better. Too busy interrupting me to actually hear me.
I want to have sex, like really have sex but I don't want anyone to touch me, let alone have sex. So I don't have sex and never have. I want to have sex and yet at the same time I don't want it. To be that close to someone, for someone to see me and be with me is not something I ever want.
I am full of contradictions, always have been and I don't think it's ever going to change. I use to be content with my lot in life, with the highs and the lows. The self harming and suicide attempts, the mania and all that goes with it. Now I don't know. I don't know if I want this as my life. I don't know if it will ever get better.
STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF. This is also the closest I will ever tell anyone everything that I feel or don't feel. I struggle to ask for help or open up to real people.
I was with my niece and nephew today and I love being with them but this weekend I could quite have easily gone home and not been with them. I wasn't annoyed at them, I just didn't want to be with them. I do have a trapped nerve at the moment so I'm in a lot of pain, but I've been in serious pain before and yet still want to be with my niece and nephew and still enjoyed every second with them.
I'm now at home and just want to sit and forget about the world for a while by watching a film. I went through me extensive (1000+) move collection and I couldn't face watching any of them because they would trigger me in one way or another. So I have no idea what I want to do.
I an always on the verge of crying but I never actually cry, perhaps a tear every now and then but no real crying.
I want to bake, like really bake a lot of things, but I have no inclination to eat any of it.
I am managing to go to my social groups and I can get over hyped when I'm there, then I just seem to hit a point where they all annoy me and just want to go home and get away from them all, or shout at them how much they are idiots.
There are some days where I feel everyone wants things from me and I hate them for expecting me to do stuff. I mean really hate them. On the other hand I hate people for not asking me to do stuff, including going out for an evening.
I am so confused, I don't feel like myself, I don't recognise anything I'm going through and it annoys me, and terrifies me.
There are things i want to do to myself and I know I shouldn't but I'm so sick to death of feeling like this. I want to feel like me again. I want to recognise me again.
I want to sleep but I either get no sleep or if I do sleep it is plagued with nightmares. I can't even tell you what they are about because I don't remember a single bit of it. I just wake up with my heart pounding in my chest trying to get out, I struggle to catch my breath, my adrenaline is pumping through my body at an amazing rate and my entire body is just dripping with sweat, my body is boiling hot and I need a shower just to cool down.
I know I need to eat, but I resent the fact I have to so I just eat cereal. My mother invites me to hers to eat and I go otherwise she'll over worry about me, and be on my case. So I go to hers and force myself to eat but then I hate myself for eating something.
I am trying to not drink cherry coke (or any fizzy drinks) because my teeth are paying the price. The enamel on my teeth is slowing being eroded away, but I find it near impossible to do although I've told people I've not had any fizzy drinks in the house for 2 weeks. It's a lie. I'm sitting here now with a bottle of cherry coke (with a straw to try and help with the teeth issue) wanting to enjoy it, and I am, but I also feel unbelievably guilty for drinking it.
I keep hearing my past catching up with me 'you're useless' 'you have no place with us' 'you will never know what it means to be happy, and I pity you for that' 'your aspirations are set too high' 'you don't deserve to be here' 'why can't you just be normal' 'you're not worth dating' 'you're sick' 'just die' 'you're not normal in the head' 'you can't be loved, you're just wrong' 'youre fat' 'your'e ugly' .... all this and more just keep going round and round my head and it just suck right now.
I don't get to see my CPN for three weeks as she is on holiday, the Pdoc never seems to listen to me or seems to even care. He's meant to be this bigwig in the bipolar medical scene. He gives me the impression that he has this 'box' idea of what/who I am and just deals with all that. He doesn't actually listen to what I'm saying or do anything about how I'm feeling and what I tell him. My CPN isn't much better. Too busy interrupting me to actually hear me.
I want to have sex, like really have sex but I don't want anyone to touch me, let alone have sex. So I don't have sex and never have. I want to have sex and yet at the same time I don't want it. To be that close to someone, for someone to see me and be with me is not something I ever want.
I am full of contradictions, always have been and I don't think it's ever going to change. I use to be content with my lot in life, with the highs and the lows. The self harming and suicide attempts, the mania and all that goes with it. Now I don't know. I don't know if I want this as my life. I don't know if it will ever get better.
STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF. This is also the closest I will ever tell anyone everything that I feel or don't feel. I struggle to ask for help or open up to real people.
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