Well fuckadoodledo

In March 2011, due to lack of funding, I lost my job. My mother, fortunately, allowed me to move back home with her. In August of the same year, I managed to get myself a part time job, in a college for adult SLD students. It was an amazing job and I loved it. As time went on I realised that one of the directors took a dislike to me (other colleagues pointed this out as well) and as time went on the job became tricky as everything I did was wrong in her eyes, and I was brought up to her office over the smallest of things. My colleagues rallied around me to support me and I appreciated that.

Went the two current managers started my place of work just got worse. I was intimidated and humiliated in front of other staff members. Again there were colleagues that support me during this. 

In May of last year I attempted to take my own life and failed. Someone I classed as a friend (Z) cornered me at work. She said she could tell that something was wrong. I broke down and told her about my attempt. Nothing more was said. A month or so later I hurt myself. Again she cornered me and I told her what I had done. Jump forward 6 months (give or take) and she watched me talk to another friend (L) about a problem I was have. L was a better person to talk to about the sort of problem I was having. Z, I assume, got jealous about this and went to the management team and told them that over the past 6 months I had attempted suicide no less that 5 times and that I had been hurting myself nearly every week since.

This was not the case, but management hauled me upstairs. They made me feel like a criminal, they spoke to me with distain and disgust and were condensing. once of them even saying 'I don't think you know how to be happy and I pity you for it'. The next day I was suspended for two weeks. Once I returned to work I was forced to work in an office by myself with no contact with staff or students as just get one with some work for the full 8 hours I was there. Even during the lunch break I was not allowed contact with staff or student!

Shortly after that I went of sick as the doctors said I was unfit for work.

Thus the Bipolar II diagnosis was given and treatment started. 

Spot on three months having gone off sick I was called into work to a mandatory meeting about returning to work. I wasn't near read for this. But we chatted. Two days latter I received a letter that said they were considering terminating my contract. Which caused me a lot of stress and really did not help my recovery. Every couple of weeks or so I was called in to discuss my future at that place of work. I asked them to get a report of my pdoc to say that I was able to return to work, and explain that I was doing well with my recovery.. so on and so forth. The look on their faces were priceless. So I went away feeling quite pleased with myself because I was, for the first time ever, fighting back.

During this time I very close friend (D) talked me into applying for a number of jobs including a job where she works. She could see I was ready to return to work, but also knew that the thought of going back to my current place of work was completely stressing me out and making me anxious. So I applied for five jobs and got five job offers. This week I took the job with D as she knows me and my full history and where she works have some others with Bipolar so they already have things in place.

Today I got to go to my current place of work and hand in my resignation. 

I honest thought I would be on cloud nine, happy as anything now that I am away from one of the most toxic places I have ever worked. That is not the case. I am struggling. I feel dead inside. I made the right choice. I am happy and content with my choice. D and I make an awesome team and I can't wait to start working with her. Yes, I am nervous about starting a new job (and yet another new career) but I am very confident about my choice and do not regret it at all.

So why do I feel so down. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there forever and a day. I want to fall asleep and just stay in the world with Morpheus for as long as possible. I do not want to die, just sleep. I don't want to have to get up and pretend that everything is okay. I should be celebrating my decision and it's outcome. Instead I just feel like ****. Things can only get better from here. I don't want to feel like this!