Not Well

I know I should go and get some help but I'm really struggling to get motivated to do it.

I am very erratic at taking my meds, and I know this is a bad thing.

I am tired all the time.

I am struggling to eat properly.

I am struggling to clean the flat (I do have a cleaner but she's not been in for a while).

I am struggling to keep myself clean.

I am struggling to wash my clothes.

I am struggling to keep myself motivated.

I struggle to sleep.

I struggle to wake up.

I struggle to concentrate on anything.

I struggle to keep my anger under control.

I struggle to get any work done.

I struggle to not cut.

I struggle not to drink.

I struggle to not cry all the time.

I struggle to be around people.

I need to go and get help.

But I'm struggling.

Sex and Tears

Last night G and I, as always, were having sex as our goodbye for the week.  We know that we have to part ways and that we shouldn't leave it too late but we can't help but have a bit of fun before going on our way for the week.

I have trouble achieving as orgasm. Try as we might, we just don't seem to be able to get me their, whether it's via cliterol stimulation, virginal stimulation or lots of different types of stimulation. It is frustrating for me, and it's beginning to get frustrating for G and he's beginning to blame himself.

He can't blame himself as I have never manage to orgasm even when it's me on my own.  It's just something I have struggled to do.  G can try all he likes I struggle to orgasm and it's something to do with me.  I have a psychological block on this.  It doesn't matter what I do, or what someone else does I can't manage it.

Last week it changed.  We were in bed, he was doing his thing and I was getting more and more worked up and I just couldn't get anywhere so I asked him to stop.  We then had sex, he came and we cuddled for a bit.  He went to get drinks, I pretended to fall asleep and he left me too it.  Once he left the room, I couldn't stop myself I just cried.  I managed to do it quietly so he couldn't hear me.  I then got up, showered dressed, and joined him in the front room so we could play a game before going home.  He never knew.  That's the way I wanted it.

This week, however, something went really wrong.  We were in bed, he'd been playing with me for a while and I was really getting excited, and I swear I was close to climaxing, but something happened and I just burst into tears.  I had to tell him to stop.  I tried not to cry but I just couldn't stop myself.  I lay in his arms sobbing.  He just held me until it subsided.  He tried to talk to me about it, but it's a mystery to me as it is to him.  We talked about something else until I felt I was calm, but as soon as we stopped, I started crying again and again.  He was trying to hold me but I pulled away from him and just sat on the edge of the bed.  He tried to touch me but I just pulled away.  For a good five minute I just sat there crying.  Not being able to stop.  Eventually I settled and I got back in to bed.  He just held me.  We tried talking, but I don't know what was going on and I was getting as frustrated as him so we just talked about Glitch.  A new netflix show we had just finished watching.  I then started him going again and we just played and had sex, but I wasn't really into it and I ended up in pain, and he didn't come.  I think I only started stuff up again to prove that I wasn't that broken.  We both ended up falling flat.

What the hell is wrong me! why can't I just be normal.  Why can't I get excited, have an orgasm and have fun in bed.  Why am I always the broken one, the abnormal one.  Why can't I climax, I don't fucking understand this.

Every part of my body is telling me to run.  I don't like to cry in front of people, and I've told G this before.  We talked about this last night, and he said he doesn't want me to hide anything, he doesn't want me to keep stuff like this from him.  He wants to support me in my vulnerability.  Now all I want to do is run.  Run away as fast as I can.  I don't want to be around him.  I hate the fact I've been like this.  Why did I have to fuck things up? Why am I just so broken and wrong?  I hate being me sooo much.

We’re on a hell slide, help us, help us

We’re on a hell slide.

9-15th: Biffy Clyro

Ruby

Under the paling landscape is a life force so powerful that for a while the poison killing the land is temporarily pushed back, held back.  It’s not a cure, but its became part of the answer.  The poison infects everything, all that it touches, all that it sees, all it experiences, it all becomes contaminated.  Unusable, to be put aside to wither and die.

The cold steal bears down as the poison fuelled storm gathers in strength threatening to destroy all in it’s path.  The landscape does not complain, it feels no pain, the life force feels no anger.   The Land acknowledges that the poisonous storm will ultimately win.  In the meantime it will take the little battles, enjoy them for a while until such time as that ultimate loss.

The steal slices into the landscape, rubies erupting from The Land, warm to the touch pushing the poison away with the aid of salt drops, mixes together, creating a barrier that, for a while, keeps the storm at bay.  So powerful are these warm rubies that the storm dies away, attempting to fight the calm that approaches through the rubies glinting in the light, bright against the paling landscape.  Beyond the rubious barrier the storm rages, never ending in it’s fury.  There is no way of blocking out the sound of the screaming storm, always there in the background slowly gaining ground to start the war again, to consume everything until there is nothing left.

The fight continues, the barrier becomes fatigued, maybe a day has past, maybe a year.  The day is coming, the storm fights through the barrier and the whole process starts again.

In the meantime The Land will take the little battles, enjoy them for a while until such time as that ultimate loss comes flying in.  On that day The Land will go dark.

So my new job is going very well.  The assessing itself is not easy but it's not hard either.  I have to concentrate and sometimes look things up because I can't quite remember bits and pieces.  I assess all sorts of courses from L2 through to L5, such as Learning and Development, Management, ICT, Customer Service, Finance and others' which I can't think of right now.  The software we use to track everything is the most confusing software I have ever used.  It never does what you think it should do, and there are lots of glitches and annoyances but it's what we've got.  I travel a lot for this job up to about 2 hours from where I live.  Luckily I love to drive so this is not an issues and we get a fuel card, paying back the petrol we use at 8p a mile so it really does work in our favour.

The only problem I have at the moment is that I am going through a mania period.  This means I am struggling with sleeping, concentration and I'm spending money as if it is going out of fashion, money I really don't have.  I was given some valium to help me calm down a bit so I could at least concentrate on the job at hand and not freak my learners about before they even got to know me.

I'm also going through the most intense period of hyposexuality I have ever known.  Every man I come across is so attractive to me, I feel like I want to jump into bed with every single one of them, but of course I don't because I am a prude. But it's all I can think about, it's all I want but I don't have it.

Sleep is also an issue.  In two weeks I had only about 10 hours sleep.  Last night I got 8 and now I am awake and struggling for things to do.  I have cleaned the flat, including the carpets, I have taken stuff to CeX that I wanted to get rid off.  I am taking the rejects to the dump on Tuesday.  I have a bag full of clothes that will go to Cash4clothes on Tuesday as well.  It has really helped to clear out my spare room, otherwise known as the 'library'.  But it does look good to have clean carpets.

I really want someone to stay up with me when I am like this so that the nights don't seem so long.  It's the hardest part when there is nothing to do, physically, playing computer games is not possible due to the fact that there is no movement involved so I just wonder from room to room trying to find something to do, trying not to make too much  noise so I don't wake the neighbours.  Sometimes I start dancing with my headphones on, but that usually leads me to singing loudly... again waking the neighbours is not an option.  Sometimes I go for a walk but living in a town I don't tend to feel safe with so many drunks around.  I find it more comforting to walk in the dark in the countryside but there is no where really to walk like that around here.  

So I browse the net, scratch the itch and try my hardest not to spend money I don't have.  I would go for a drive but trying to afford petrol is near impossible.  The fuel card from work has yet to arrive.  So what I am meant to do is beyond me.  My pDoc and CPN refuse to give me any sort of medication to help me with all this, so here I am, trying desperately to keep myself safe but with too much energy raging around my body and having no idea what to do about it.

As much as Mania can be a lot of fun, there are also some real downsides to it and tonight will be one of those nights. It's only 1.30am and I know I have a long night ahead of me.  The other issue is that when the nights are long, the days can feel long as well, especially if you're not going to see anyone. Long nights and long days lead to some horrible times.  When you know it's going to be happening I hate it but when I'm in full blow mania I don't care about this, but I am moving up and I know what's about to happen.

I keep reading from other Bipolars, that there are positives to bipolar... I have yet to work this out.  If there are positives I want to know about them, I want to experience them.  I don't want to have bipolar any more, I want to be 'normal'.

I also want a relationship but I know that if I can't stand to be around myself how is someone else meant to.  I have my ups and downs, more than most, I can be irritable and irrational, I can be so high that I feel like I can accomplish anything and everything and take on too much.  People can't keep up with me and I get frustrated due to the fact no one can keep up with me.  If I am like that, how can anyone love that.  I've already lost one person I was falling in love with, I have lost many friends over all of this..... how can anyone love this broken, fucked up person.

The is a Rollercoaster.

Every woman, every man

Life is in your hand

Take a look and make a stand

and pray that you will, pray that you will

Make the most of burning toast

Watch the wheels of the roller-coaster

Doctor, doctor I feel much older

Don't you know that the jokes are all on you

Rollercoaster - Let Loose

So I've been on my meds for quite a while now.  For a little while there I felt amazing.  I wasn't manic, I wasn't depressed.  I was productive and happy and glad to be alive.  I slept well (my normal 6 hours), I did course work, I went out, I talked to people, I socialised... it was amazing.

I got a letter from work during this time asking me to come in for a meeting about returning to work.  So I went along, put some ideas forward for reasonable adjustments.  They weren't really interested in what I had to say.  Two days later I got a letter to say that they were thinking about releasing me from my contract.  I went to another meeting and put my view across and the fact they should talk to my psychiatric doctor about whether I should return to work or not and not base it on the GPs letter that was 3 months ago.  The look on their faces were priceless, I will never forget the look of  'Oh crap' on their face.  I also said that I wanted their thoughts on my ideas of 'reasonable adjustments' because it really shouldn't be just me coming up with ideas, it should be a dialogue between us, but they refused to have that conversation.  I pretty much think they want rid of me, but as I point out, although the GPs letter said that [in Dec] I was incapable of work in any format but I should be able to return to my duties with a phased return but this could take months.... again work was not happy that I pointed this out.  I walked out of that meeting on a high.  Even if i don't keep the job at least I know that I made them think about things.  If I don't go back to work I will be taking them to tribunal.  I have worked out that the benefits I get due to being released from work due to mental health issues is quite a bit more than I am currently getting.

One of the real positives out of that whole fiasco is the fact I talked to the crisis team, my CPN, CAB, ACAS and a friend.  I put my hands out for people to catch me and they did.  When I talked to my CPN after all this happened she was impressed with what I had done.  Show's that asking for help is not a bad thing.  She was impressed with how well I was looking and how nice it was that I was being positive.

Then it happened.  The shoe fell.  Everything got on top of me.  I think I put too much pressure on myself to continue doing well with the course work, to keep being happy, to do the quilt, to go out socialising and to eat and drink.  I went to bed a few nights ago, and although I didn't cry, I did find my blade and I started cutting into my skin and it felt amazing.  Every time I do it I forget just how amazing if feels and how great I feel.  It is a drug to me.  The next day I discovered that I had lost out at my PIP application so that is going to tribunal as well.  So another night was spent cutting.

Now I have shut myself off from people.  I've only left the house if me mother has demanded it of me.  Like when she locked herself out of the house, when she took me to the doctors (I have conjunctivitis), took me to the garden centre so I can start on my vegetable patch.  Other than that I have not talked to anyone.  My phone is on silent so I can miss calls, I've not been on face book, I've not gone socialising... nothing except sit at home watching TV, read or sleep.

I also did another stupid thing. I got hold of a friend of mine whom I know has carried a flame for me for a great many years, since we went on a date where I fell asleep on him due to having just worked (and been awake for) a 24 hour shift.  I had been home 2 hours before going on a date to the cinema.  Anyway, I knew he has always had a thing for me.  So the other night I was talking to him.  Telling him how I regretted that I never gave us a chance back then.  I told him about the bipolar and the self harming and suicide attempts and he didn't flinch.  We kept talking and before I know it were sexting.  It wasn't doing anything for me but I kept it up (excuse the pun)  for him, leading him to believe that maybe we could start (a long distance) relationship.  The next morning I felt awful because I don't feel that way about him, I never have.  It was so wrong of me to do that to him and now I don't know what to do.  He has text me every day since until today I told him to leave me alone.  I don't know why I did it.

I'm still cutting.  I know I should phone my CPN or my friend but I can't.  I realised that with the issues at work it was easy for me to contact people because it was something I could talk about, it was a problem that needed to be sorted.  When I'm feeling down, shutting myself off, there isn't anything I can do about it.  It's not a problem I can talk about because there is nothing to be fixed.  It's just part of who I am.  How do I talk about that!!!!!