So my new job is going very well.  The assessing itself is not easy but it's not hard either.  I have to concentrate and sometimes look things up because I can't quite remember bits and pieces.  I assess all sorts of courses from L2 through to L5, such as Learning and Development, Management, ICT, Customer Service, Finance and others' which I can't think of right now.  The software we use to track everything is the most confusing software I have ever used.  It never does what you think it should do, and there are lots of glitches and annoyances but it's what we've got.  I travel a lot for this job up to about 2 hours from where I live.  Luckily I love to drive so this is not an issues and we get a fuel card, paying back the petrol we use at 8p a mile so it really does work in our favour.

The only problem I have at the moment is that I am going through a mania period.  This means I am struggling with sleeping, concentration and I'm spending money as if it is going out of fashion, money I really don't have.  I was given some valium to help me calm down a bit so I could at least concentrate on the job at hand and not freak my learners about before they even got to know me.

I'm also going through the most intense period of hyposexuality I have ever known.  Every man I come across is so attractive to me, I feel like I want to jump into bed with every single one of them, but of course I don't because I am a prude. But it's all I can think about, it's all I want but I don't have it.

Sleep is also an issue.  In two weeks I had only about 10 hours sleep.  Last night I got 8 and now I am awake and struggling for things to do.  I have cleaned the flat, including the carpets, I have taken stuff to CeX that I wanted to get rid off.  I am taking the rejects to the dump on Tuesday.  I have a bag full of clothes that will go to Cash4clothes on Tuesday as well.  It has really helped to clear out my spare room, otherwise known as the 'library'.  But it does look good to have clean carpets.

I really want someone to stay up with me when I am like this so that the nights don't seem so long.  It's the hardest part when there is nothing to do, physically, playing computer games is not possible due to the fact that there is no movement involved so I just wonder from room to room trying to find something to do, trying not to make too much  noise so I don't wake the neighbours.  Sometimes I start dancing with my headphones on, but that usually leads me to singing loudly... again waking the neighbours is not an option.  Sometimes I go for a walk but living in a town I don't tend to feel safe with so many drunks around.  I find it more comforting to walk in the dark in the countryside but there is no where really to walk like that around here.  

So I browse the net, scratch the itch and try my hardest not to spend money I don't have.  I would go for a drive but trying to afford petrol is near impossible.  The fuel card from work has yet to arrive.  So what I am meant to do is beyond me.  My pDoc and CPN refuse to give me any sort of medication to help me with all this, so here I am, trying desperately to keep myself safe but with too much energy raging around my body and having no idea what to do about it.

As much as Mania can be a lot of fun, there are also some real downsides to it and tonight will be one of those nights. It's only 1.30am and I know I have a long night ahead of me.  The other issue is that when the nights are long, the days can feel long as well, especially if you're not going to see anyone. Long nights and long days lead to some horrible times.  When you know it's going to be happening I hate it but when I'm in full blow mania I don't care about this, but I am moving up and I know what's about to happen.

I keep reading from other Bipolars, that there are positives to bipolar... I have yet to work this out.  If there are positives I want to know about them, I want to experience them.  I don't want to have bipolar any more, I want to be 'normal'.

I also want a relationship but I know that if I can't stand to be around myself how is someone else meant to.  I have my ups and downs, more than most, I can be irritable and irrational, I can be so high that I feel like I can accomplish anything and everything and take on too much.  People can't keep up with me and I get frustrated due to the fact no one can keep up with me.  If I am like that, how can anyone love that.  I've already lost one person I was falling in love with, I have lost many friends over all of this..... how can anyone love this broken, fucked up person.