Sex & Mania

Let's talk about sex, baby

Let's talk about you and me

Let's talk about all the good things

And the bad things that may be

Let's talk about sex

Let's Talk about Sex: Salt 'n' Pepper

In the past when I went in to, what I now know is, mania my sexual appetite would be through the roof.  This was frustrating as I had never slept with anyone and the thought of a one night stand would just sent my blood running cold.  I knew that was something I couldn't do.  So I would masturbate.  I would do this again and again until I felt vaguely satisfied, but the more I did it the more I wanted it.  However, my mania never lasted that long and within a few weeks my sex drive would dissipate and that was that.

I now have someone in my life.  I don't know quite what we are.  We won't call ourselves a couple, we don't admit we're in a relationship.  We're just seeing each other, hanging out, and having lots of sex.  My medication increases my sex drive, even when I'm depressed I still have a huge sex drive, which is not what I am use to.  However, with G I have an outlet for this appetite.  I'm having so much fun with it.  I can safely say that I am no longer a virgin and that I have had more sex than I thought I would ever have.  I have been exploring my sex drive, what turns me on, what turns me up.  G has been trying things that he wants to try and we have b
een trying to find our rhythm.  We are beginning to try different positions which has been a lot of fun.  We're looking at the Karma Sutra and deciding on what we want to try.  He is attentive and amazing. I wish I could be more attentive to his needs.  He says it's all good and that he gets everything he needs, but I'm not so sure.  But that could be my paranoia speaking.

That is the one thing though. My paranoia is getting a little out of hand again.  I don't know if it's that we're doing the whole long distance thing or I just can't believe anyone like G would actually be with someone like me, especially since I am 12 years older.  Maybe it's a bit of both.  I am trying to control it, but it's hard.  I try not to let it slip to G just how bad it is.  He knows I am paranoid about a lot of things, and us, but he doesn't know just how bad it is.  I need to learn to be able to tell him this stuff.  Explain that it's not about me not trusting him, or about him, but my illness that fucks with my head and that I'm trying to get it under control.  I'm just scared that one of these days he'll walk away because it's all just too much.

The other weekend he came to visit and I told him I the previous week had been tough, that I had slept a lot and not left the flat because everything was just too much for me.  I also admitted that I had cut myself.  He said he had guessed that.  He took it in his stride.  Didn't judge me, didn't make me feel bad.  Just kissed me and we got on with our day.  For nothing else, I will always love him for that.  He takes everything that my illness throws at him, takes it in his stride and then make me feel better for it.

I honestly don't know what he gets out of what we do, but I get a lot and I'm loving the sex and the experimenting of it.  I never imagined it would feel this good.