A good session

I had a fantastic session with my CPN last Thursday. Usually I just sit there, vaguely talking about things, he gets me to think a little but we don't really do anything much. That all changed this week. Changed completely.

I sat there and talked about my concoction that I take. We talked about how dangerous it is, the damage I could be doing to myself. We also talked about the possibility that I might be addicted. This is something myself that I have struggled with. I plan when I do it, I plan it carefully. I buy the pills, I buy the alcohol. I can't seam to stop myself.

We talked about what it was to be an addict, what it meant, and how it would affect me. We talked about how I felt when I took my concoction and we also talked about how much control I had over it.

My CPN came to the conclusion that although what I was doing was wrong, I had enough control, I wasn't doing it regularly enough and that I knew what I was doing enough that he didn't need to interfere in some way or other to stop me.

In truth although the dosage I take is high, and I could be doing a lot of damage to myself, I do not do it everyday, I do not do it at work, I only do it when I'm at home and I can have a day to recover. I am very careful. I make sure I do this unsafe deed in a safe way.

It felt so good being able to talk about it. No one else knows, well actually there are some people who do know, but they don't know the extent of it. My CPN does. He knows how many times I've done it over the past couple of months. When I stopped cutting, I started on the concoction. I look forward to that time during the week (or weekend) when I can take my concoction and block everything out. I do wish I could get the same feeling with something else but I can't.

To talk about it was so good, to talk through my concerns and my joys of 'The Concoction'. For me to know that someone else knows and doesn't look down on me. I walked out of that meeting feeling great. Why can't I feel like that normally!!