really struggling

So since my break down the other week I've been okay. I've not cut and I've not taken the Concoction. I've been sleeping naturally, and I've been feeling positive. Then yesterday happened. I had a team day at work and they did some of 'the heartstyles'. I didn't cope with it. It really brought me down and now I'm struggling to keep it together. Really struggling. I want my razor, but I don't have a razor. I want to take the pills and the alcohol but I've taken so much lately I'm afraid of what I'm doing to my body. I want to smoke, but I can't my chest is too bad. So I'm sitting here wondering what the fuck I'm meant to be doing to get me through for another hour until I get to bed. I've tidied my room, I have no dishes to wash..... I'm struggling and I don't know what to do.