Screwing up all over again.

Friday night wasn't good for me and I don't know why. I had an exceptionally good week at work, the most positive I've had in many a month in fact. Still I did my thing except I did it wrong. I got the combination wrong. I got to the point I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk. Had I found someone in that state I would have called for an ambulance but I hid out, I stayed in my room. I think I slept a couple of hours in the bathroom... well I say slept, I get very tired but I never actually sleep. It's hard to describe the state I was in. I collapsed twice in my bedroom and I have jarred my neck and shoulders. They hurt so much.

I couldn't think straight, I doubt I could have talked straight. I certainly could stand up and I had real issues with walking, at most I could crawl. I enjoyed the feeling of no control, it wasn't until sometime Saturday I realised just how dangerous the state I was in was. Anything could have happened, what if I had fallen down the stairs, what if I had decided to go for a walk. Anything could have happened and there was no one around to help me.

I paid for it on Saturday not being able to eat or drink until late into the evening, I was very dehydrated and had problems with light. Today I feel better, I managed to eat something and have spent sometimes outside in the sun. However I'm thinking that I can't do that again, certainly not while I'm on my own. It could have gone so badly wrong. I could have been so ill or worse but I couldn't help myself. I needed something, anything to help me with stuff that's going on in head. To stop me feeling what I'm feeling.

Today I'm find apart from sore shoulders and neck, but it's my own stupid fault, I just need to come up with a really good reason for why I'm in so much pain that sounds plausible. No one knows what I'm doing at the moment except my CPN, and he's on holiday at the moment so I can't talk to him but I don't know who else I should talk to, who else I should tell. If I tell anyone they'll become worried about me and freak out. I couldn't handle that at all! The looks I'd get, the concern on their face etc.

What have I done? What am I doing here? What am I doing to myself? Why can't I stop?