Well fuckadoodledo

In March 2011, due to lack of funding, I lost my job. My mother, fortunately, allowed me to move back home with her. In August of the same year, I managed to get myself a part time job, in a college for adult SLD students. It was an amazing job and I loved it. As time went on I realised that one of the directors took a dislike to me (other colleagues pointed this out as well) and as time went on the job became tricky as everything I did was wrong in her eyes, and I was brought up to her office over the smallest of things. My colleagues rallied around me to support me and I appreciated that.

Went the two current managers started my place of work just got worse. I was intimidated and humiliated in front of other staff members. Again there were colleagues that support me during this. 

In May of last year I attempted to take my own life and failed. Someone I classed as a friend (Z) cornered me at work. She said she could tell that something was wrong. I broke down and told her about my attempt. Nothing more was said. A month or so later I hurt myself. Again she cornered me and I told her what I had done. Jump forward 6 months (give or take) and she watched me talk to another friend (L) about a problem I was have. L was a better person to talk to about the sort of problem I was having. Z, I assume, got jealous about this and went to the management team and told them that over the past 6 months I had attempted suicide no less that 5 times and that I had been hurting myself nearly every week since.

This was not the case, but management hauled me upstairs. They made me feel like a criminal, they spoke to me with distain and disgust and were condensing. once of them even saying 'I don't think you know how to be happy and I pity you for it'. The next day I was suspended for two weeks. Once I returned to work I was forced to work in an office by myself with no contact with staff or students as just get one with some work for the full 8 hours I was there. Even during the lunch break I was not allowed contact with staff or student!

Shortly after that I went of sick as the doctors said I was unfit for work.

Thus the Bipolar II diagnosis was given and treatment started. 

Spot on three months having gone off sick I was called into work to a mandatory meeting about returning to work. I wasn't near read for this. But we chatted. Two days latter I received a letter that said they were considering terminating my contract. Which caused me a lot of stress and really did not help my recovery. Every couple of weeks or so I was called in to discuss my future at that place of work. I asked them to get a report of my pdoc to say that I was able to return to work, and explain that I was doing well with my recovery.. so on and so forth. The look on their faces were priceless. So I went away feeling quite pleased with myself because I was, for the first time ever, fighting back.

During this time I very close friend (D) talked me into applying for a number of jobs including a job where she works. She could see I was ready to return to work, but also knew that the thought of going back to my current place of work was completely stressing me out and making me anxious. So I applied for five jobs and got five job offers. This week I took the job with D as she knows me and my full history and where she works have some others with Bipolar so they already have things in place.

Today I got to go to my current place of work and hand in my resignation. 

I honest thought I would be on cloud nine, happy as anything now that I am away from one of the most toxic places I have ever worked. That is not the case. I am struggling. I feel dead inside. I made the right choice. I am happy and content with my choice. D and I make an awesome team and I can't wait to start working with her. Yes, I am nervous about starting a new job (and yet another new career) but I am very confident about my choice and do not regret it at all.

So why do I feel so down. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there forever and a day. I want to fall asleep and just stay in the world with Morpheus for as long as possible. I do not want to die, just sleep. I don't want to have to get up and pretend that everything is okay. I should be celebrating my decision and it's outcome. Instead I just feel like ****. Things can only get better from here. I don't want to feel like this!

Everything is awesome!!!!

Everything is awesome

Everything is cool when you're part of a team

Everything is awesome

When we're living our dream

Lego:The Movie

So I got offered a new job today.  This is going to be really good for me.  My current place of work is a poisonous place, back stabbing, destroying self confidence, where you need to watch your back constantly because someone is looking to destroy it.  

I've now been off work for 6 months due to my mental health issues.  They have no been supportive.  They have made me feel like a criminal, like I am pointless and worthless.   Just at the interview for my new job they made me feel as though my Bipolar is not an issue and they are going to put stuff into place for when I get ill.  To ensure that I can always do the best job that I can.  It's brilliant.  

Tomorrow I have to contact my current place of work to make a meeting so I can discuss my leaving date.  I'm going to totally enjoy that meeting and to shove it in their face that I am going on to better things.

I am going into a job that offer proper transferable training, Proper benefits such as sick pay, pension etc.  Really support for learning the job and dealing with the job including if I become ill.

This is an amazing day, can't wait until tomorrow!

And the fight goes on!

So it's been a while and it's not been easy. In some ways I do feel better but I still get frustrated but how my moods change. I still get depressed and I still get manic. It's not as extreme as it was but the changes in mood are still there.

I have been volunteering at the local library to see if I am ready to get back to work. The idea being that working in a job that does not have any pressure is a good way of seeing if I can cope with being back at work. When I work at the library I have to put on that positive, life is amazing face. It exhausts me. So I am not socialising much. I have barely talked to anyone outside of work or my family. I have cut everybody off. I know that I am not ready to go back to work but financial I have to go back over the next month. Money is getting really tough. I have cut down on everything but I still don't make ends meet  completely. SSP sucks. My next job will have proper benefits and training. If I have an episode like this again I have to know that I won't have the stress of mony on top of everything else. I also know when I finally go back to work (if they don't dismiss me) I have to face all the rumors that have been floating around and all the lies my 'friend' has been telling people. I know what she has said because I have had people texting me to find out what is going on and if what she says is true. I have not replied since it's non of their buisness. However, apart from those texts only 1 person has text me and met up with me, and 1 other who has sent 1 text to say they missed me but didn't ask about the rumors being spread. This leads me to believe that this person does care but I am weary of everyone in that place baring the 1 person who has been meeting me.   Work is going to be awful. I am looking for other work but it's hard in education right now as it's mid scholastic year. June/July is when jobs appear.

I don't see things getting better anytime soon. I just want to pack a bag and just leave. Everything just sucks.

I did a rotton thing the other week. I was feeling really horny and I allowed someone, who I know has a thing for me, believe we were going to try out relationship again. We ended up sexting. I felt awful afterwoods because I know that I would never go for a relationship with him. I didn't first time round and certainly not now. I was veing unfair and did tell him that.

I know I can't help having bipolar, it's as part of me as my grey streak is. But I hate it. I hate how it rules my life. The time to have the medication, having to watch my moods, being cautious all the time about what I say and what I do and most of all the way I have been betrayed my supposed 'friends' over all this. It has cost me much and it doesn't give anything on return. There is no pay off. At least with my dyslexia I have to think outside the box and come up with creative solution to issues and have been told my lessons are imaginative and fun and the students learn a lot from them. But with bipolar there is nothing positive about it. It screws with every part of my life. I can only try and enjoy the 'calm' moments I my life, which are few and far between.  I wish I didn't have this awful disorder but I do.

Trinity

The Trinity is one God who exists simultaneously in three persons. 

Each is coequal, copowerful, and coeternal with the other. 

Each person--Father, Son and Holy Spirit--is not the other. 

Without either there is no God. All comprise the one God

So I have come to understand that there are three parts to me now.  

There is the manic me where I have so much energy I have no idea what to do with it, so I start redecorating at 2am or cleaning my kitchen at 3am.  I go out for walks, I talk at 90 miles an hour unable to stop myself, I spend too much money, I don't look after myself properly, only eat if it's something I don't have to cook (McDonalds here I come)... I just keep moving, never stopping, sleep only happening ever few night and only for a few hours.  I socialise all the time, with different sets of people so no one can see what is happening.  I try and be out of the house for as long as possible.  I also tend to drive too fast.  I can put myself in dangerous situations like getting drunk and walking home at 3am down unlit roads.  I just don't care, life is just there for the grabbing to hell with everything else.  I wash a little bit more than when I'm depressed but not by much.  Once i've been like this for a while I start getting ratty and rude when people are  not as fast as me and are slow and annoying

There is depressed me where everything makes me anxious, where I don't like to get out of bed, where I sleep all the time.  I don't eat, I don't interact with people, I don't do much of anything.  Just lay in bed.  I don't wash, I don't change my clothes, I only munch on little things.  Anything that means I don't have to get out of bed.  I hate the phone going, I hate being on the internet, I will avoid life as much as I can and if people do notice and start calling/texting me I just get really frustrated and hid even further into my bed.  

Then there is 'normal' me.  This is the me I'm not sure about.  This is the me I don't think I have ever got to know.  I've always been either manic or depressed, never anything in between.  Now there is this third person in my life and I'm not sure what to do with her.  When I am her life is copable.  Nothing is overwhelming, I can deal with stress and pressure as if they are nothing.  I go out and be with people without upsetting them or me.  I don't want to hurt myself, in fact I don't know why i would want to hurt myself when I am this person.  This person turns up for a little while before moving into one of the other two.

So I am now trying to balance my life with these three people.  I know I have to keep taking my meds so that these three people can try and coexist in a way that does not disrupt my life as the other two have.  I'm just not sure this is what I want.  This 'normal' me is a stranger to me and I don't know if it's someone I want to let into my life.  I don't trust people normally so how the hell do I trust this one.  I know it's me, but it's not me.  All three of these people are me whilst at the same time not being me.  It's so confusing.

I haven't been taking my meds either.  I just don't see the point.  I'm not convinced I'm any better off now than I was before.  At least before I had a job (not always easy but I was getting there with it), I had a Boyfriend, I had money, I had a life... now I'm just a rollercoaster that is going extremely fast and just about staying on it's track, just one wrong move and it's all over.  I wish I could go back to the beginning of October and do it all over again.  Make different moves and most of all not confide in the person I thought was a friend who then screwed me over.

I should mention that it doesn't really bother me that they told management that I had mental health issues and what I had been doing... what bothers me is the fact that the person made it sound like I had attempted suicide many times and that I was cutting myself constantly, and they started telling other people around college.  Making it all sound ALOT worse than it actually was/is.  I can never forgive her that.  I can forgive her for trying to get me help.   

The is a Rollercoaster.

Every woman, every man

Life is in your hand

Take a look and make a stand

and pray that you will, pray that you will

Make the most of burning toast

Watch the wheels of the roller-coaster

Doctor, doctor I feel much older

Don't you know that the jokes are all on you

Rollercoaster - Let Loose

So I've been on my meds for quite a while now.  For a little while there I felt amazing.  I wasn't manic, I wasn't depressed.  I was productive and happy and glad to be alive.  I slept well (my normal 6 hours), I did course work, I went out, I talked to people, I socialised... it was amazing.

I got a letter from work during this time asking me to come in for a meeting about returning to work.  So I went along, put some ideas forward for reasonable adjustments.  They weren't really interested in what I had to say.  Two days later I got a letter to say that they were thinking about releasing me from my contract.  I went to another meeting and put my view across and the fact they should talk to my psychiatric doctor about whether I should return to work or not and not base it on the GPs letter that was 3 months ago.  The look on their faces were priceless, I will never forget the look of  'Oh crap' on their face.  I also said that I wanted their thoughts on my ideas of 'reasonable adjustments' because it really shouldn't be just me coming up with ideas, it should be a dialogue between us, but they refused to have that conversation.  I pretty much think they want rid of me, but as I point out, although the GPs letter said that [in Dec] I was incapable of work in any format but I should be able to return to my duties with a phased return but this could take months.... again work was not happy that I pointed this out.  I walked out of that meeting on a high.  Even if i don't keep the job at least I know that I made them think about things.  If I don't go back to work I will be taking them to tribunal.  I have worked out that the benefits I get due to being released from work due to mental health issues is quite a bit more than I am currently getting.

One of the real positives out of that whole fiasco is the fact I talked to the crisis team, my CPN, CAB, ACAS and a friend.  I put my hands out for people to catch me and they did.  When I talked to my CPN after all this happened she was impressed with what I had done.  Show's that asking for help is not a bad thing.  She was impressed with how well I was looking and how nice it was that I was being positive.

Then it happened.  The shoe fell.  Everything got on top of me.  I think I put too much pressure on myself to continue doing well with the course work, to keep being happy, to do the quilt, to go out socialising and to eat and drink.  I went to bed a few nights ago, and although I didn't cry, I did find my blade and I started cutting into my skin and it felt amazing.  Every time I do it I forget just how amazing if feels and how great I feel.  It is a drug to me.  The next day I discovered that I had lost out at my PIP application so that is going to tribunal as well.  So another night was spent cutting.

Now I have shut myself off from people.  I've only left the house if me mother has demanded it of me.  Like when she locked herself out of the house, when she took me to the doctors (I have conjunctivitis), took me to the garden centre so I can start on my vegetable patch.  Other than that I have not talked to anyone.  My phone is on silent so I can miss calls, I've not been on face book, I've not gone socialising... nothing except sit at home watching TV, read or sleep.

I also did another stupid thing. I got hold of a friend of mine whom I know has carried a flame for me for a great many years, since we went on a date where I fell asleep on him due to having just worked (and been awake for) a 24 hour shift.  I had been home 2 hours before going on a date to the cinema.  Anyway, I knew he has always had a thing for me.  So the other night I was talking to him.  Telling him how I regretted that I never gave us a chance back then.  I told him about the bipolar and the self harming and suicide attempts and he didn't flinch.  We kept talking and before I know it were sexting.  It wasn't doing anything for me but I kept it up (excuse the pun)  for him, leading him to believe that maybe we could start (a long distance) relationship.  The next morning I felt awful because I don't feel that way about him, I never have.  It was so wrong of me to do that to him and now I don't know what to do.  He has text me every day since until today I told him to leave me alone.  I don't know why I did it.

I'm still cutting.  I know I should phone my CPN or my friend but I can't.  I realised that with the issues at work it was easy for me to contact people because it was something I could talk about, it was a problem that needed to be sorted.  When I'm feeling down, shutting myself off, there isn't anything I can do about it.  It's not a problem I can talk about because there is nothing to be fixed.  It's just part of who I am.  How do I talk about that!!!!!

Few weeks on

All of the perfection nothing will and can be made

The old skin has to shed before the new one sees the day

Opportunities to find the deeper powers in ourselves

Comes when life is breathing and seems more than what it is

Go blindly completely"

Volbeat: Cape of Our Hero

So it's been a while since I've written anything.

I'm not depressed, or what I recognise as depressed, but I'm not manic either. This is strange within itself as for years I've either been one or the other. I have no middle ground. The meds are doing funny things to me, that is what I do know and all I know.

I was with my niece and nephew today and I love being with them but this weekend I could quite have easily gone home and not been with them. I wasn't annoyed at them, I just didn't want to be with them. I do have a trapped nerve at the moment so I'm in a lot of pain, but I've been in serious pain before and yet still want to be with my niece and nephew and still enjoyed every second with them.

I'm now at home and just want to sit and forget about the world for a while by watching a film. I went through me extensive (1000+) move collection and I couldn't face watching any of them because they would trigger me in one way or another. So I have no idea what I want to do.

I an always on the verge of crying but I never actually cry, perhaps a tear every now and then but no real crying. 

I want to bake, like really bake a lot of things, but I have no inclination to eat any of it.

I am managing to go to my social groups and I can get over hyped when I'm there, then I just seem to hit a point where they all annoy me and just want to go home and get away from them all, or shout at them how much they are idiots.

There are some days where I feel everyone wants things from me and I hate them for expecting me to do stuff. I mean really hate them. On the other hand I hate people for not asking me to do stuff, including going out for an evening.

I am so confused, I don't feel like myself, I don't recognise anything I'm going through and it annoys me, and terrifies me.

There are things i want to do to myself and I know I shouldn't but I'm so sick to death of feeling like this. I want to feel like me again. I want to recognise me again.

I want to sleep but I either get no sleep or if I do sleep it is plagued with nightmares. I can't even tell you what they are about because I don't remember a single bit of it. I just wake up with my heart pounding in my chest trying to get out, I struggle to catch my breath, my adrenaline is pumping through my body at an amazing rate and my entire body is just dripping with sweat, my body is boiling hot and I need a shower just to cool down.

I know I need to eat, but I resent the fact I have to so I just eat cereal. My mother invites me to hers to eat and I go otherwise she'll over worry about me, and be on my case. So I go to hers and force myself to eat but then I hate myself for eating something.

I am trying to not drink cherry coke (or any fizzy drinks) because my teeth are paying the price. The enamel on my teeth is slowing being eroded away, but I find it near impossible to do although I've told people I've not had any fizzy drinks in the house for 2 weeks. It's a lie. I'm sitting here now with a bottle of cherry coke (with a straw to try and help with the teeth issue) wanting to enjoy it, and I am, but I also feel unbelievably guilty for drinking it.

I keep hearing my past catching up with me 'you're useless' 'you have no place with us' 'you will never know what it means to be happy, and I pity you for that' 'your aspirations are set too high' 'you don't deserve to be here' 'why can't you just be normal' 'you're not worth dating' 'you're sick' 'just die' 'you're not normal in the head' 'you can't be loved, you're just wrong' 'youre fat' 'your'e ugly' .... all this and more just keep going round and round my head and it just suck right now.

I don't get to see my CPN for three weeks as she is on holiday, the Pdoc never seems to listen to me or seems to even care. He's meant to be this bigwig in the bipolar medical scene. He gives me the impression that he has this 'box' idea of what/who I am and just deals with all that. He doesn't actually listen to what I'm saying or do anything about how I'm feeling and what I tell him. My CPN isn't much better. Too busy interrupting me to actually hear me.

I want to have sex, like really have sex but I don't want anyone to touch me, let alone have sex. So I don't have sex and never have. I want to have sex and yet at the same time I don't want it. To be that close to someone, for someone to see me and be with me is not something I ever want.

I am full of contradictions, always have been and I don't think it's ever going to change. I use to be content with my lot in life, with the highs and the lows. The self harming and suicide attempts, the mania and all that goes with it. Now I don't know. I don't know if I want this as my life. I don't know if it will ever get better.

STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF. This is also the closest I will ever tell anyone everything that I feel or don't feel. I struggle to ask for help or open up to real people.

Woah!

You're days you say they're way too long, 
and your nights you can't sleep at all

And you're not sure what you're looking for, 
but you don't want to no more

And you're not sure what you're waiting for 
but you don't want to no more

But we all bleed the same way as you do
 And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on.... if you feel like letting go 
Hold on... it gets better than you know.

Hold On: Good Charlotte

So yesterday I woke up and felt okay.  As the day went on some felt wrong, felt off.  I knew what I needed to do.  I wrote letters to me Mam and me Sister, and off I went for a walk to find a railway track.  I walked around for a fecking hour looking for one.  When I finally did there were these huge fences I could get over.  I then found a gate but couldn't open the padlock (my locking picking skills suck these days!).  So I sat down on a fallen tree and I broke.  When I couldn't get to the tracks I just couldn't decide what to do, find other tracks or go home.  I was stuck, my brain wouldn't function, I was paralysed.  Couldn't do anything.  It was a strange sensation I just stopped, blacked out.  I know when the police were talking to me I finally felt how cold it was and started shaking.  So a coat was given to me and a cup of tea.   I was disturbed my a police woman.  At that point I started crying asking them to just leave me alone.  Next thing I know there were 6 policeman and woman there.  I wouldn't talk to them to begin with, I wouldn't look at them. I just told them to leave me alone.  Eventually they got me into the car (I was cooperating) and they took me home.  Of course they couldn't leave me because of what I might have done.  So they called the paramedic in since they could access stuff that the police couldn't.  They looked for my medication and I admitted that I had been cutting for two days.  So, voluntarily, I went to the hospital... I voluntarily but I got the feeling I didn't really have a choice.

At the hospital I had to see the CMHT on duty who told me I had to see the psychiatrist. which was going to be in a few hours when the night shift started.  I told them I wouldn't stay that long since it was only 7pm.  I was told that I could leave, but the police would be called and I would be taken to a psychiatric hospital. No choice in the matter.  While I was cooperating I still had some control over the situation!  So I stayed, although every part of my body was telling me to leave.

So I chatted to the psychiatrist who was pushing for me to admit myself.  I told him my suicidal feelings had past (which was sort of true) but I'm more than likely going to cut myself again.  He said he could live with that since they are technically superficial, I don't need hospital treatment and they never get infected.  So he called a friend of mine to see if they could pick me up, unbeknown to me, he was having a. carefully worded, conversation about what had happened and her thoughts on it.  She said that if they hospitalised me it would be the worse thing they could do with me, especially since I was saying I didn't want me mother to be called.  So begrudgingly and because my friend said she would be on the phone to me when I got home and visit the next day they allowed me to go home.  NB did you know hospitals have an account with taxis to help patients get home if they have no money with them!  I didn't, do now.  I didn't cut I just went straight to bed after talking for two hours about random crap with me friend on the phone.  Still didn't sleep but I felt quite calm.

Today my friend came over and I told her what had happened and there were parts of the story that made us laugh, like I didn't know where the railway tracks actually where and spent a long time looking for them, not being able to get to the tracks because of a huge fuck of fence and forgotten lock picking skills.  She said that with everything I have going on it's surprising I haven't had some sort of mini break down already.  She told me off for not giving her a call or let her know what was going on.  If I could call people when I get like this life would be so much easier.

To be honest I really hadn't thought about it as such, it just happened.  I just found myself writing letter and going out to find the railway tracks.  That was it.   I was asked a lot why I felt like this, what had happened and truth be told I have no idea.  I haven't been abused, I haven't had bad relationships, I haven't been raped... nothing like that, I'm just broken.  I just get into crappy feelings/moods.  I can never put into words how I'm feeling, it's the same when I start cutting.  I can't put into words why I do it or what triggers it.  I just know it's time to do it.  It's the right thing to do.

Looking back on the events I'm not scared exactly  but it was an eye opener to how ill I have gotten.  I have to start facing up to things if I want to have some resemblance of a stable life.  I know that for the rest of my life I will have ups and downs but if I can get the right medication and the right life style should help me to keep stable but right now it's not happening.  I really don't believe that the medication is working.  Apart from feeling like part of me is missing I don't really feel much different from before I started taking it.  My normal psychiatrist told me it might not be until I get to the 400mg mark that I'd feel anything definite but I'm still a good month away from that.  It's such a long time in my world at the moment.  It really doesn't help that I sit in the house all day every day, I do try and go out for a walk every day but it depends if I can face it, and then evenings I only go out if I can face it, but a lot of the time I just can't.  So I'm on my own for a great length of time.  Now I love my own company, I love being on my own, but there are times when I get ill that having another person about would not go a miss.  Just to talk crap with or sit and watch TV or play some games.  It's not about talking about how I feel, it's just having another person there.  I think if there had been someone in the flat with me, I'm not convinced yesterday would happen, but I don't know that for sure.  It still could have, I just don't know.

I came so close to being hospitalised/sectioned.  I was very fortunate that I wasn't but I was close.  The choice was almost taken out of my hands, my brain managed to kick in and take control to let me go home, and it does freak me out a bit.  I don't want to be hospitalised either voluntarily or via sectioning I have to be more careful in the future, either plan things properly or talk to people before I get to that point.  I never want to be sectioned/hospitalised ever!

I gave in

Sweet and divine

Razor of mine

Sweet and divine

Razorblade shine

Day after day

Cutting away

Day after day

But anyway

Wake up it's time

We need to find a better place to hide

Make up your mind

I need to know I need to know tonight

Razors: Foo Fighters

Well after thinking about it for a few weeks now I finally gave in and I had a cutting session.  It felt so good.  I really needed it.  I know I have to tell my CPN but I really don't want to, I want it to be mine, I don't want to have to share this.  I hate the fact I am meant to report everything to the CPN and Pdoc.  My moods, my thoughts, my feelings... but they never really seem to hear me.  They sit there, making notes on the computer and then I go on my way.

But to cut was a truly calming experience and I am hoping that it means I get some sleep tonight I usually do manage after a cutting session but I can't guarantee it. I do feel better for it though, but as always when I start I have a hard time to stop.  I just want to keep cutting until it all just stops.  I know I should go to some support groups but I just can't leave the flat all that often.  When I try and leave I do believe that something bad is going to happen.  I can;t tell you what but I know it's going to happen. So I stay at home where it's safe.  I don't like people coming into the flat either.  I tolerate my mother because if she know how ill I am she would never leave me along ever!  There is one other person I don't mind having in the flat but that's because he'll quite happily sit there not talking and just watch TV or work on his laptop without talking about anything.

Cutting is so therapeutic and everyone tells me I need to stop.  It's the reason I'm not at work at the moment, it's the reason I don't have sex but I don't care I like it.  I want to keep this  for myself, so that I can cope.  I don't know how to make myself feel better without it, I don't know how to cope with life without it so why do people want to take it away from me.  I don't want it gone, I want to keep it.  It's the one thing that makes me feel better.

People are telling me that it's not good to cut, that in the long run it won't do me any favours and if I hear it often enough I almost believe them.  Then the need arises, something inside me tells me that to cut will be a great idea and that it would make me feel better.  That something never lies to me.  It does make me feel better so if something is making me feel better and helping me to cope with this curse called 'my life', why should I give it up.

This curse doesn't not get any easier, the meds and seeing the CPN and Pdoc is meant to make me feel better, help me turn my curse into a gift but it never happens.  I get the help, I do the steps but it never gets any better.  I was trying to tell that to someone to day and all they did was shout at me and told me to buck up and fight.  I don't want to any more, I am too tried, too fed up and so bored of living with mental illness that giving in is a very comforting idea.

It's been 5 weeks since diagnosis and nothing has got better.

Severing Ties

Where are the stars? Where is the sky?

Where is the chart to guide us by?

Where is the map?

Where is the part where I melt your frozen heart?

Frozen Heart from Goddess

Depression is a funny thing.  It's full of contradictions and paradoxes, it never makes much sense to those on the outside.  When people ask me about it I find that I struggle to explain what is going on with me in a comprehensible language.  Even I don't understand my verbal and written language when I explain things.  If someone was telling me what I write and talk about I would get so confused and really frustrated with them.

I am in a real slump at the moment.  I have moments of uber energy where I can get things done, so I take advantage of those by doing some cleaning or going for a walk or even going shopping just as long as I'm in solitude.  I also have moments where I don't even want to move, so I just sit on the sofa with the TV on and I couldn't tell you what I am watching, I just sit there waiting for I-don't-know-what.  I just sit, on my own, not doing anything, not thinking, just staring at the TV.

Regardless how I'm feeling I just don't talk to anyone.  I don't go on to facebook much, if someone texts me I just leave it or if someone messages me I just don't answer.  I don't want to interact with people, it's too exhausting.  People want to talk about my feelings about stuff, be it my illness or what I have been watching.  People ask me if I want to go out and I can't make decisions about anything so I ignore the messages/texts.  And yet I am desperate for someone to come to my house, to hold me tight and just sit there with me in silence.  To sit there holding me for those times where for some unknown reason I burst in to tears.  To take my hand and lead me back to the light.  People take everything for face value.  I want to be left alone and I don't want to be left alone.

With how things happened at work because I told someone what I was going through I am finding it really hard to find someone I can talk this stuff through with, so I use this instead.  To write about it, to try and make sense of what is going on in my head and it does help to a point.  But it's missing that interaction with a living, breathing being.

CD and I broke up, no big surprise and I get why we did, I'm not angry about it just disappointed.  I can't help though thinking that the reason he didn't fight was because of the Bipolar and I told him about the cutting.... don't think I told him about the suicide attempts.  But it makes me wonder, is there someone out there who will ever understand about it, who would be there to support me in this.  To take the ups and downs, the me who gets manic, the me who get's depressed, the me who gets irrationally angry, the me who is anxious, the me that doesn't make sense and contradict herself constantly.  Is there someone out there who would even try and understand all this and love me regardless.  I am defiantly better of by myself.  I can't get betrayed, I can't get hurt and most of all I don't have to try and put into words stuff that doesn't make sense to me a lot of the time.

I sit here in the grey, knowing there is light somewhere but not sure where it is, knowing that the darkness is easy enough to find.  Hating the fact I have to take medication every day, that I have to see a CPN every week, knowing that this is here to stay.  I am alone in this, I can only rely on myself and I don't think I can even do that any more.  I don't trust myself.

I know I have to take it one day at a time at the moment.  Looking to the future is terrifying and overwhelming so right now I don't do it.  It's too much.  But one day at a time is too hard.  I honestly don't know what I should do.

I tried doing the Beating Bipolar website.  There are a number of videos to watch that help someone to understand what Bipolar is and how to manage it but there is an emphasis on the idea that Bipolar is something that can beaten but it's not.  It is something you learn to integrate into your life so that it has minimal impact.  It's not easy and there are always moment that regardless how hard you try it rears it's ugly head and support is required.  So how can you beat it?

I have read how important it is to have trusted people around you who can recognise when you get ill again and encourage you to get help.  Me Mam won't talk about it, not allowed to talk about it with me sister so that rules out family and I've stopped trusting the people around me.  I just don't know what to do.  I am on my own.  This is not going to change any time soon, so unless I manage to recognise I am ill, which historically I don't because I am so good at compartmentalising it thus cutting myself off from it so I don't have to acknowledge it, so somehow I have to reverse this.  Can't see that happening any time soon.

There is so much uncertainty in my life and I wish I could find something I could hold on to something.  Faith/God doesn't comfort me any more.  It's all just too hard.  I wish someone was holding me telling me that everything was going to be alright, because right now I don't believe this in any way or form and I'm really considering to stop fighting, stopping the meds and just see what happens.

Faith

Years ago I had the most amazing faith, I felt God in my life all the time.  I trusted God, I prayed about everything.  Every decision I made in my life I prayed about it first. I thanked God every day for the life I had and what had happened during the day.  I prayed for strength to continue in my faith and walk the path he had given me.

Over the years I have found it harder and harder to keep that faith.  I falter all the time.  I'm now at a phase in my life where I find it impossible to find him.  I pray and there is nothing there. I pray for the strength for the fight I need to have but I'm finding it harder and harder to fight.

I've been watching 'Touched by an Angel'.  A wonderful show about angels who walk the earth helping those  in need.  I listen to what the angels say, about God and how he doesn't forsake you, how he loves you and sends you angels to be with you.  Some days I watch it and find comfort in what they say, but most days I watch it and what they say makes me angry and makes me realise that God is no longer here.  He is gone.

I know me being sick has nothing to do with God, it's one of those things that happen in the world.  God is meant to be there to remind us that we are amazing human beings and can cope with a lot, especially if we turn to him for help.  However, I have never felt more alone in my life.  I could be with friends and yet  I am alone.  I have tried praying, I have tried reading the bible, I have tried many things but God is not in my life.  There is no angel walking with me.  It's just me trying to fight every day and I'm tired.  I always thought that God had a plan to me, it's why I hadn't died yet or had more long term issues with the amount of pills and alcohol I consumed.  I should have kidney or liver failure at the very minimum.  But now I just think he has an evil sense of humour and is just toying with me, and I hate him for that.  I'm beginning to believe that I don't want him in my life any more.  It's just all a farce.  We are on our own, there is nothing after death.  There is nothing for me.  I am what I always believed I am.  Nothing.  There is no point me being here.  There is no plan, there is no future for me.

I am tired of the medication side effects, I'm tired of my CPN not actually hearing me. I am tired of my pdoc thinking he knows all that I am and making (wrong) assumptions about me.  I am tired of my family not wanting to talk about my Bipolar.  I am tired of breathing every day and knowing that nothing will ever get better.  I am tired of worrying about money.  This is when I wish there was someone else in my life to make me fight, to care for me until I can start the fight up again for myself.  I can not keep this up, it's too hard these days.  I'm not saying I want to take my life but I don't want to do this any more.  I can not do this any more.  I don't know what to do about it.  

I hate life at the moment, and I want to curl up in a ball and just stop.  

Slow Motion Car Crash

So I've crashed, but it has been a slow come down.  I could see this happening, I could feel it happen and there was fuck all I could do about it.  I would rather have the quick crash, which could happen almost over night.  At least I couldn't see it coming, that way I would just go with it.  Of course it's bad when I'm down because I can get suicidal (thoughts and actual), I can start cutting, I pull away from everyone and push people away, I don't want to get out of bed, I sleep all the time.

However, this time I am down, I have pushed people away, I have been thinking about suicide and cutting, I don't want to get out of bed but I don't sleep. I get maybe an hour or two a night.  But it makes me tired for the rest of the day.  So I don't do anything, which makes me worse, but I don't sleep.  It's a vicious cycle.  I really want to cut at the moment, and the only think that stops me is by having a drink.  But I'm not meant to drink until I settle into the medication.  I tried to talk to the CPN about it but she wasn't in the mood to listen, and certainly didn't ask any questions.  I don't really get on with her, I miss my old CPN but I was living in a different area and I think he's retired now.  He was the best thing I have ever come across when dealing with my mental health.  I wish he was here now.

I know the meds are meant to be a good thing, that over time they will balance me out but right now I do wonder why I bother to take them.  For example, if I take seven times longer to crash does that mean that the down time will be seven times longer and to come up takes seven times longer.  If that's the case I won't cope with it.  My down periods are already around 3-4 months taking 7 times longer is just horrifying.  I couldn't deal with that.  I rely on the hyper moods to help me through.  It's during these times I create support networks and friends.  Then I crash and people know what's up and keep an eye on me.

That won't happen this time, one 1 person from work has made any sort of contact with me.  I haven't talk to any of my 'friends' in over 10 days and no one has noticed.  No, that's a lie, 1 person has but he doesn't do well on his own and his girlfriend on the other side of the world for the next month.  When he's on his own he depends on me for support.  Which, as the Muppet I am, I keep giving him.  This time I told him to grow a pair, learn to be on his own and leave me the fuck alone.  Which he has.  Other than that no one has noticed I'm not around.  I know it's been Christmas and new year but no one has got in touch.  Maybe I don't have the friends I think I have.

I'm also crying at every strong emotion, happy, sad, angry, confusion, frustration etc.  I'm watching TV and I cry.  Something wonderful happens and I cry, I watch Russell Howards Good News and I cry.  It's insane and I don't like it.

I don't know.  I am so confused about everything. How I feel? How I want to act? What this new me is going to be like.  However, I'm still debating weather this is all worth it.  Perhaps I should just give it all up and go back to the way I was.  Lose my job and see if I find something else, or just give up entirely.

Decision making sucks!

Noramilty

So I have to reassess what is meant by 'normal'  For years my normal means that I'm either dangerously depressed or so hyper that I have no idea what to do with myself.  These two extremes is what I am, nothing more and nothing less.  However, since I've been on medication I'm in neither extreme and it's so strange.  For a number of weeks I have struggled with being able to sleep and just dozing during the day because I am too tired to do anything else.

Today has been different.  Today, although I am still tired, it doesn't feel so bad.  I'm beginning to get through the tired part and am more awake.  My brain is still working slowly but not as bad as it was.  I do feel more on the ball.  It's like I'm coming out of a thick fog into a more minimal fog.

I suppose I do have to work out what I man by normal, what am I when I am stable, what is the new me.  I know I'm not me any more.  I just don't know who or what I am.  And it terrifies me.  What will people think of the new me, people only really like me when I'm hyper.  Any other way I am no one wants to know.  If I don't go hyper any more I'm just going to disappear, hyper was the only thing that  got me out and about. I'm scared that I will just sit at home and not manage to do any thing, not because I'm depressed but because I don't have the energy to do anything, I will not longer manage to go out anywhere, I will fade away and shrivel into to nothing.

Part of me wants to stop taking the meds so that I can feel like me again, but I know this would not be a wise idea, but I miss the other me, the hyper active me, even the depressed me.  At least I understand who I was then.  At least the get out was easier, right now I don't know how i feel about anything, I don't know how to react to anything.  I just walk through the world and hope I do the right thing.

Christmas and Family

I do like Christmas.   Not the commercial side of it, but the spending time with the family, seeing friends and using it as a way of relaxing and enjoying spending time together.

However, this year, I don't know if it's because I'm in the wrong head space or what but I did not enjoy it this year.  I mean spending time with the niece and nephew is wonderful but the only thing that was talked about was my sister's family, her pregnancy (yep I'm going to be an aunt again), what the niece and nephew are up to, what her husband is up to and how his job is going, where they are at with selling their house, what me Mam is up to, even what my uncle is up to.   Not once was I asked how work was, Mam has asked me not to tell my sister about my Bipolar, I'm not allowed to talk about it at all.  I can't talk about work as I've been to work in a month, but my sister doesn't know any of this.  I actually forgot to take me medication to me Mam's and had to rush home to get it, but again I was not allowed to tell anyone why I had to disappeared.  When I did take the meds, I had to do it in front of my sister and my brother in law because there is not privacy to take it anywhere else.   It wasn't talked about, it wasn't mentioned.

I know I haven't told me Mam just how ill I have been this year.  She has no idea I attempted suicide in May, or that I planned it again in August.  She has no idea that I have cut myself so much this year that I've actually got scars.

I'm meant to tell my family this as they need to know what my moods are to help me deal with it, but I can't tell them.  Me mam is just one of those people where you just don't talk about mental illness.  If I had cancer or broken a leg she would be happy to tell other people and get support.  Because it's Bipolar we don't talk about it, we don't mention it to anyone.

So it was an odd Christmas for me.  I also had to double my dose of lamotrigine to 50mgs yesterday so we'll see what that does.  I'm still not sleeping too well.  Only a couple hours a night, the rest of the time all I manage to do is doze.  But still fully aware of what is happening around me.  I'm really tired, but not feeling depressed nor an I hyper.  I'm too tired to do anything.

In better news CD and I are talking again and hoping to meet up.  He's feeling better but I don't know how I feel at the moment.  I want to see him, and I have missed him but I wonder if he is the right person for me.  He needs someone who's supportive and I need someone who's supportive.  If we keep getting ill at the same time it's never going to work.  If we get ill at different times it won't matter so much as we can support each other.  The medication is also making me horney so I don't know if I want to see him because I want the sex.

Everything is so confusing and I don't know how I feel about a lot of things.  I don't know if the medication is a good thing because I don't feel like I'm me.  Without the extreme moods I feel like most of me doesn't exist.  I don't know who I am without the swings.  At some point I have to go back to work as I'm having money issues and without a full months pay I'm screwed.

In some ways having a diagnosis of Bipolar has been like a weight lifted from my shoulders, the mood swings I've gone through and the horror I've been through is not my fault.  It's not something I could control it's all part and parcel of being bipolar.  But now I have this diagnosis and I'm not sure what I should do.  I have to change my life style I'm sure of it, but I don't know what I should do.

I have many people who said that I can talk to them about stuff but none of them are bipolar, and not sure what to say or how to help me.  Someone asked me what they could do to help me and the truth is I have no idea.  I don't understand myself, I'm not sure I know who I am any more.  I know I don't really want to cut and I don't want to commit suicide so these are good things but other than that I don't know anything.  Having spent years trying to learn who I am I have to start again.  At 35 years of age and feeling so alone I'm not sure I can.

This is week 3 since diagnosis.

Didn't expect this.

Today has not been the greatest of days. 

I had 8 hours of sleep which was amazing, I've not slept like that in months.  It was peaceful, I did dream but for the life of me I couldn't not tell you what I have been dreaming about.  I think that 8 hours of sleep has been my only positive for me.

Today I started off being really dizzy and as the day went on I had dizzy spells, it was like I had no balance.  I would be walking and then veering off in one direction or another.  When I stood up, sat down or moved my head too quick the world would spin.  This subsided as time went on but my head would spin at random times through out the day, which has made me feel more than a little nauseous.   So I haven't eaten much today.  

I have also been crying on and off today.  Not so much full on sobbing, but I have had no controls of the tears that having been coming out of my eyes, so I am exhausted.  At the best of time I hate crying and avoid it as much as I can, but this has been uncontrollable and am thankful that nobody could see me or hear me.

I'm hoping that another good nights sleep will help me to get more in control of my feelings and my reactions.

But on the other hand I do feel calmer.  My body is more relaxed, I am thinking slower but it makes more sense, I feel like I can cope with anything and stay calm and relaxed.  I don't think I have ever felt this was before.  I think this is good but it's odd.  It's like I'm missing part of me.  I'm neither hyper nor am I depressed, I just am.  I'm sure I'll get use to this, but I do feel like I'm a different person.  Which one is me,  this one or the other one.  I have to learn to function as this person, to see the world as this person, interact with people.... in some ways I'm a toddler learning about the world again.

On top of all of that I think I have an ear infection in both ears.  

Week 1

For longer than I can put my finger on I have always had horrible mood swings.  Either I am hyper active or I am depressed.  When I am hyper active I would spend too much money and get into debt, I would go out and be overly social and meet lots of people, join lots of groups and volunteer for things.  I could do my household chores but not nescessarily in one go.  I would put a wash on then start on the washing up, get half way through that and decide that my bedroom would need cleaning, then part way through decide I needed to sort out my kitchen cupboards and so on and do forth.  It would take a long time for me to complete any job I completed, and I am talking a days not hours.  I wouldn't really sleep, may a few hours every few days.  People liked me when I was like this, I was happy and a joy to be around.  Although, as I got more hyper people would ask if I was on something, or if they could take what I was on because I just didn't stop, ever!  I would also get cranky and become very sarcastic and people would struggle with that, but I never saw an issues I would just carried on going.  When I was really hyper I would start cutting myself to bring me down a bit.

Then I would, what I termed, crash.  This is when I got into a depressed state.  I would not want to get out of bed, I would sleep all the time, I would eat very little and loose a lot of weight.  I would not socialise unless I absolutely had too, I wouldn't wash, I wouldn't do any house hold chores, I hated talking to people, I would just shut down.  I would also start cutting myself a lot to bring my mood up.  It would help me get up in the morning to go to work or do what ever job I needed to do.

I of course dealt with this in the only way I knew how, I would but myself when I could, sometimes take an overdose of painkillers and alcohol to get high, I would change jobs, I would move house, I would break of friendships and acquaintances.  I would do near enough anything other than deal with what ever was going on.

I was told I had depression, I would take antidepressants but was never convinced they would work.  I went through Cognitive Analytical Therapy (CAT) for 24 weeks and helped me a lot and for a while, although I still went up and down, I didn't hurt myself in ways.  But I still changed jobs and moved around then things got too much.

These mood swings got worse, then this year was a bad year.  I was hyper at the beginning of the year, got all my work done, was sociallising, was even a head of myself on the paper work.  Until in March/April I attempted suicide but failed.  I just ended up vomiting all night.  I was so angry and upset the next day that I was horrible to work with.  A friend cornered me and asked what was wrong, I said to them 'I shouldn't be here, I should have died' and walked off.  She watched as over the following months I withdrew from people and started to shut myself down.  She became worried, what she didn't know what that I was planning another attempt and that I was self harming.  All she knew what that I had attempted and failed a suicide attempt and that I was shutting myself down.

She got worried and told our management what she knew.  She was not wrong to do this, but I was not ready to acknowledge the place I was at.  So I was forced to.  I went through a suspension, I went to the doctor, who refereed me to the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT).  I was put on citalopram and went as high as a kite.  I was so hyper it was funny.  Then I crashed as didn't get out of bed.  So I was put on mirtazapine so that I could sleep, it has a sedative affect.  For three days I got 10 hours sleep a night.  More than I had in three months, and then I went hyper again and this was intense.  I couldn't sit still for more than 1 minute, I couldn't concentrate on any conversation more than a minute.  I would walk for three or four hours to try and burn off my energy.  Then I crashed and I wanted to die.  It was horrible.  So I was given an emergency appointment with the CMHT and was a psychiatrist and Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN).

The initial report they sent me was full of inaccuracies of the conversation we were having that I didn't believe I had been there in the room.  I honest didn't think I had been there.  It was crazy so I started to doubt this team.  Still, because I knew I had to, I carried on going to see the CPN.  She talked me through things and gave me a mood questionnaire to fill in.  It was 15 pages long but I filled it in.

The psychiatrist looked over the questionnaire, the conversations we had had, the edits to the report I had made, and with the notes my CPN had made from our sessions.  It was decided that I have Bipolar Disorder.

This is a big diagnosis and life changing. I was put on quetiapine but I had a bad reaction to that.  Although it made me very tired to the point I could barely move I could not sleep.  Then I hallucinated all night that something was licking me. It was a horrible, horrible night.  So now I am on lamotrigine which has calmed me down.  I can now sit still, I can concentrate for longer periods of time and the need to talk has decreased.  I am defiantly calmer.  My sleep has doubled from 1.5 - 2 hours a night to 3-4 hours a night, but I am more tired.  I doze during the day because I can't keep my eyes open, but I don't sleep.  I usually doze after I take my medication.  I am on 25mgs at the moment but as of Christmas Day it gets doubled to 50mgs.  I see my psychiatrist in January for a more complete conversation about what it means to Bipolar and how best to manage it. 

I don't know how soon I will return to work, if I go back full time or if I go part time or just find a new job.  I just don't know.  Right now I need to think about what I need to control my Bipolar and how to mange this condition.  It is something that will never go away, I have to learn to live with it and it scares me stupid.

It will be interesting to see what the new year brings.  

This is end of week 1 since my diagnosis and being on medication.

Well fuckadoddledo

It's official.

I have Bipolar Disorder.  This is something which is a life changing diagnosis. I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I know I've probably had this for a great many years, and it's only through being in one place for a number of year that the problem has really been highlighted and that I got forced into getting help.  Without that push I don't think I would have gotten help at this point.  It could have been another year or so, or I would have moved to get away from the problem.  Perhaps I would never have gotton help and could have successfully taken my life.  Something I have tried once this year and planned a second attempt which I never saw through.  The cutting would increase and that could have caused issues.  

I know I need to look at my life and work out what is good for me and what is bad for me.  Do I got back to work full time, do I only work part time, do I stay living on my own or do I attempt to go back into flat sharing..... there are so many questions going around my head but I struggle to keep it under control which only causes me to freak myself out.  Which doesn't help.

I got put on medication today so I need to see how that effects me and how it levels me out.  I'm hoping I don't go completely crazy on them, or they react so badly to me that I end up being really sick.  There is so much unknown right now and it scares me, really scares me. I need to to take one day at a time but the whole thing just seems so big right now and out of control.

This is yet something else I have to manage for the rest of my life.  I'm not sure I can do it, but I know I have to.  I just need to keep going.

It's not like life has actually changed, I just have the extra support and the appropriate support that I need to live a 'normal' life.  The mood swings should disappear.  But I have upset a lot of people lately, I have alienated myself and at some point I need to start rebuilding these things.  But that's an issue for a different day.

Right now all I need to concentrate on taking my meds, working out what they are doing to me and going to my appointments.

One day at a time.

Out of control

I don't understand how I got to this point. It's all suddenly got way out of my control. I can't hack this.

I went to a mental health wellbeing course. It was whilst I was there I realised just how much I screwed up. Not one person in that room had worked a full time job. They were what you expect when you think of people who have mental health issue. When/how did I turn into that person? Since the session I have struggled with thoughts of cutting myself. It's all I want to do. And I am tired of trying to find distractions. I am tired of trying to keep going for people, I am tired of being strong. I just want the world to fade away! I can't do this any more.

Only in hindsite

So work as given me a leave of absence so I can concentrate on getting myself better and to create a support network for myself and to freely access the support i require.  They have also given me this leave of absence on full pay. This is quite something for where I work, so I have to see this as a positive.

Today, I think, is an important day in my road to recovery, even if I can't see it right now. I need to take one day at a time and allow myself time to recover.

It scares to to tell CD or my family but I need to find out where I stand with people. I am hoping that the referal for my CPN appointment comes soon. In the meantime I am accessing Changes which is the only mental health support in my area outside of the NHS. I hope I get on top of this soon.

I feel like my world has come crashing down overnight and I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I think that's the illness speaking rather than me.

Fail!

Well, shit! I've had to go back on meds. Work have told me either I sort out my mood swings or I won't have a job any more. So yesterday I went to the doctors and explained to them what's been happening including the self harming and planning to take my own life. They have me on citilopram  (20mgs) with looking to double that in two weeks. I am also on the waiting list for a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) and further therapy. So that'll be fun. It's not what I want but I need to to keep my job so I can get my qualification so I can get a new job.

And on top of all this I need to have a converaation with CD about what I've been doind and what is happening. I doubt he'll stick around. I'll be single again before two much longer.

The doctor says I need to create a support system for myself which is a lot easier to say than do. I move too much and I don't let people in close enough to see what's going on and to say help is near impossible. But I know that without a support system I don't get better so what do I do? Any support groups near me only meet during the day and I can't afford time of work. I'm in this situation that a number of people I know are in. We manage (just) to keep down a full time job but when we need a bit of support there is nothing because we are working full time and there are no groups for out of work hours so we keep going. We hit crisis and then we have to take time of work, we loose money, and then we get into debt and things start spiralling out of control so I ask again. What am i meant to do?

I hate being ill enough to fuck up work but not ill enough to get any real support. I don't know what the answer is or what I can do about it but it plays on my mind and makes me worse as a result. I should be reducing my stress levels not increasing them.

The mental health system  (like a lot of systems in this country) is fucked.

How?

Whenever I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord your soul to keep

And bring you home safe to me, for ever darling

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you (Indeed I do) - Frank Wilson

Anyone who has known me for any length of time know that I truly believed I was made to be single.  It's part of my make up and I made peace with that a long time ago and made a life accordingly, never having to think about another person etc.

However, with CD, entering my life things have changed.  I have turned into one of those ridiculous people who just go gaga thinking about him, who smiles when their phone goes and just can't wait until I see him.  I can't get over how different I am and how I see things differently.

I have been to the doctor to talk about contraception, not that I've acted on it but I have actually started talking and seriously thinking about sleeping with this guy.  It's been a long time since I have felt sexually attracted to someone.  It scares me how real this could be, I am desperately trying to not freak myself out, to take my time but not drag my heals.  I am taking stock of my feelings and moving accordingly.  I am hoping that I can take the next step without completely freaking myself or him out.

How quickly can you fall in love? I have real feelings for him and they are intense.  So much so I do keep freaking myself out with all of it, and thinking about it all.  I am trying not to rush into anything too quickly after all we've only known each other 5 weeks, dated for 3 of those.  We talk every single day, and try and see each other as often as we can which is hard.  We're quite a distance from each other, he works shifts, only gets one weekend off in three and he has a daughter to see.  It makes it hard but it's so worth the effort.

There are times I feel I am being over cautious, there are times I feel overwhelmed and things are going to fast.  However, CD knows when I'm freaking out and allows me to just do what I need to do.  He looks at me and tells me how cute I am when I freak out.  Then he kisses me and everything just fades away, the important thing is he's allowing me time and space to work stuff out.

I told him I had never slept with anyone and he's never pushed me or brought the subject up.  He said he wouldn't push me, but when I'm ready there is a bed waiting.  He is happy though to just spend time with me and allow me to work through what it is I need to do.   He is not pressuring me into anything.  He just goes with the flow and I push myself to make things work, but not push myself to the point where I feel bad.  I'm enjoying the journey out of my comfort zone.  I sat in his house the other day, on his bed where we lay in each others arms whilst kissing.  That was it.   no pushing, no touching, just chatting and kissing.  It was so overwhelming but I loved it.

So I ask.... how the hell did this happen to me?!