Faith

Years ago I had the most amazing faith, I felt God in my life all the time.  I trusted God, I prayed about everything.  Every decision I made in my life I prayed about it first. I thanked God every day for the life I had and what had happened during the day.  I prayed for strength to continue in my faith and walk the path he had given me.

Over the years I have found it harder and harder to keep that faith.  I falter all the time.  I'm now at a phase in my life where I find it impossible to find him.  I pray and there is nothing there. I pray for the strength for the fight I need to have but I'm finding it harder and harder to fight.

I've been watching 'Touched by an Angel'.  A wonderful show about angels who walk the earth helping those  in need.  I listen to what the angels say, about God and how he doesn't forsake you, how he loves you and sends you angels to be with you.  Some days I watch it and find comfort in what they say, but most days I watch it and what they say makes me angry and makes me realise that God is no longer here.  He is gone.

I know me being sick has nothing to do with God, it's one of those things that happen in the world.  God is meant to be there to remind us that we are amazing human beings and can cope with a lot, especially if we turn to him for help.  However, I have never felt more alone in my life.  I could be with friends and yet  I am alone.  I have tried praying, I have tried reading the bible, I have tried many things but God is not in my life.  There is no angel walking with me.  It's just me trying to fight every day and I'm tired.  I always thought that God had a plan to me, it's why I hadn't died yet or had more long term issues with the amount of pills and alcohol I consumed.  I should have kidney or liver failure at the very minimum.  But now I just think he has an evil sense of humour and is just toying with me, and I hate him for that.  I'm beginning to believe that I don't want him in my life any more.  It's just all a farce.  We are on our own, there is nothing after death.  There is nothing for me.  I am what I always believed I am.  Nothing.  There is no point me being here.  There is no plan, there is no future for me.

I am tired of the medication side effects, I'm tired of my CPN not actually hearing me. I am tired of my pdoc thinking he knows all that I am and making (wrong) assumptions about me.  I am tired of my family not wanting to talk about my Bipolar.  I am tired of breathing every day and knowing that nothing will ever get better.  I am tired of worrying about money.  This is when I wish there was someone else in my life to make me fight, to care for me until I can start the fight up again for myself.  I can not keep this up, it's too hard these days.  I'm not saying I want to take my life but I don't want to do this any more.  I can not do this any more.  I don't know what to do about it.  

I hate life at the moment, and I want to curl up in a ball and just stop.