Where are the stars? Where is the sky?
Where is the chart to guide us by?
Where is the map?
Where is the part where I melt your frozen heart?
Frozen Heart from Goddess
Depression is a funny thing. It's full of contradictions and paradoxes, it never makes much sense to those on the outside. When people ask me about it I find that I struggle to explain what is going on with me in a comprehensible language. Even I don't understand my verbal and written language when I explain things. If someone was telling me what I write and talk about I would get so confused and really frustrated with them.
I am in a real slump at the moment. I have moments of uber energy where I can get things done, so I take advantage of those by doing some cleaning or going for a walk or even going shopping just as long as I'm in solitude. I also have moments where I don't even want to move, so I just sit on the sofa with the TV on and I couldn't tell you what I am watching, I just sit there waiting for I-don't-know-what. I just sit, on my own, not doing anything, not thinking, just staring at the TV.
Regardless how I'm feeling I just don't talk to anyone. I don't go on to facebook much, if someone texts me I just leave it or if someone messages me I just don't answer. I don't want to interact with people, it's too exhausting. People want to talk about my feelings about stuff, be it my illness or what I have been watching. People ask me if I want to go out and I can't make decisions about anything so I ignore the messages/texts. And yet I am desperate for someone to come to my house, to hold me tight and just sit there with me in silence. To sit there holding me for those times where for some unknown reason I burst in to tears. To take my hand and lead me back to the light. People take everything for face value. I want to be left alone and I don't want to be left alone.
With how things happened at work because I told someone what I was going through I am finding it really hard to find someone I can talk this stuff through with, so I use this instead. To write about it, to try and make sense of what is going on in my head and it does help to a point. But it's missing that interaction with a living, breathing being.
CD and I broke up, no big surprise and I get why we did, I'm not angry about it just disappointed. I can't help though thinking that the reason he didn't fight was because of the Bipolar and I told him about the cutting.... don't think I told him about the suicide attempts. But it makes me wonder, is there someone out there who will ever understand about it, who would be there to support me in this. To take the ups and downs, the me who gets manic, the me who get's depressed, the me who gets irrationally angry, the me who is anxious, the me that doesn't make sense and contradict herself constantly. Is there someone out there who would even try and understand all this and love me regardless. I am defiantly better of by myself. I can't get betrayed, I can't get hurt and most of all I don't have to try and put into words stuff that doesn't make sense to me a lot of the time.
I sit here in the grey, knowing there is light somewhere but not sure where it is, knowing that the darkness is easy enough to find. Hating the fact I have to take medication every day, that I have to see a CPN every week, knowing that this is here to stay. I am alone in this, I can only rely on myself and I don't think I can even do that any more. I don't trust myself.
I know I have to take it one day at a time at the moment. Looking to the future is terrifying and overwhelming so right now I don't do it. It's too much. But one day at a time is too hard. I honestly don't know what I should do.
I tried doing the Beating Bipolar website. There are a number of videos to watch that help someone to understand what Bipolar is and how to manage it but there is an emphasis on the idea that Bipolar is something that can beaten but it's not. It is something you learn to integrate into your life so that it has minimal impact. It's not easy and there are always moment that regardless how hard you try it rears it's ugly head and support is required. So how can you beat it?
I have read how important it is to have trusted people around you who can recognise when you get ill again and encourage you to get help. Me Mam won't talk about it, not allowed to talk about it with me sister so that rules out family and I've stopped trusting the people around me. I just don't know what to do. I am on my own. This is not going to change any time soon, so unless I manage to recognise I am ill, which historically I don't because I am so good at compartmentalising it thus cutting myself off from it so I don't have to acknowledge it, so somehow I have to reverse this. Can't see that happening any time soon.
There is so much uncertainty in my life and I wish I could find something I could hold on to something. Faith/God doesn't comfort me any more. It's all just too hard. I wish someone was holding me telling me that everything was going to be alright, because right now I don't believe this in any way or form and I'm really considering to stop fighting, stopping the meds and just see what happens.
