Woah!

You're days you say they're way too long, 
and your nights you can't sleep at all

And you're not sure what you're looking for, 
but you don't want to no more

And you're not sure what you're waiting for 
but you don't want to no more

But we all bleed the same way as you do
 And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on.... if you feel like letting go 
Hold on... it gets better than you know.

Hold On: Good Charlotte

So yesterday I woke up and felt okay.  As the day went on some felt wrong, felt off.  I knew what I needed to do.  I wrote letters to me Mam and me Sister, and off I went for a walk to find a railway track.  I walked around for a fecking hour looking for one.  When I finally did there were these huge fences I could get over.  I then found a gate but couldn't open the padlock (my locking picking skills suck these days!).  So I sat down on a fallen tree and I broke.  When I couldn't get to the tracks I just couldn't decide what to do, find other tracks or go home.  I was stuck, my brain wouldn't function, I was paralysed.  Couldn't do anything.  It was a strange sensation I just stopped, blacked out.  I know when the police were talking to me I finally felt how cold it was and started shaking.  So a coat was given to me and a cup of tea.   I was disturbed my a police woman.  At that point I started crying asking them to just leave me alone.  Next thing I know there were 6 policeman and woman there.  I wouldn't talk to them to begin with, I wouldn't look at them. I just told them to leave me alone.  Eventually they got me into the car (I was cooperating) and they took me home.  Of course they couldn't leave me because of what I might have done.  So they called the paramedic in since they could access stuff that the police couldn't.  They looked for my medication and I admitted that I had been cutting for two days.  So, voluntarily, I went to the hospital... I voluntarily but I got the feeling I didn't really have a choice.

At the hospital I had to see the CMHT on duty who told me I had to see the psychiatrist. which was going to be in a few hours when the night shift started.  I told them I wouldn't stay that long since it was only 7pm.  I was told that I could leave, but the police would be called and I would be taken to a psychiatric hospital. No choice in the matter.  While I was cooperating I still had some control over the situation!  So I stayed, although every part of my body was telling me to leave.

So I chatted to the psychiatrist who was pushing for me to admit myself.  I told him my suicidal feelings had past (which was sort of true) but I'm more than likely going to cut myself again.  He said he could live with that since they are technically superficial, I don't need hospital treatment and they never get infected.  So he called a friend of mine to see if they could pick me up, unbeknown to me, he was having a. carefully worded, conversation about what had happened and her thoughts on it.  She said that if they hospitalised me it would be the worse thing they could do with me, especially since I was saying I didn't want me mother to be called.  So begrudgingly and because my friend said she would be on the phone to me when I got home and visit the next day they allowed me to go home.  NB did you know hospitals have an account with taxis to help patients get home if they have no money with them!  I didn't, do now.  I didn't cut I just went straight to bed after talking for two hours about random crap with me friend on the phone.  Still didn't sleep but I felt quite calm.

Today my friend came over and I told her what had happened and there were parts of the story that made us laugh, like I didn't know where the railway tracks actually where and spent a long time looking for them, not being able to get to the tracks because of a huge fuck of fence and forgotten lock picking skills.  She said that with everything I have going on it's surprising I haven't had some sort of mini break down already.  She told me off for not giving her a call or let her know what was going on.  If I could call people when I get like this life would be so much easier.

To be honest I really hadn't thought about it as such, it just happened.  I just found myself writing letter and going out to find the railway tracks.  That was it.   I was asked a lot why I felt like this, what had happened and truth be told I have no idea.  I haven't been abused, I haven't had bad relationships, I haven't been raped... nothing like that, I'm just broken.  I just get into crappy feelings/moods.  I can never put into words how I'm feeling, it's the same when I start cutting.  I can't put into words why I do it or what triggers it.  I just know it's time to do it.  It's the right thing to do.

Looking back on the events I'm not scared exactly  but it was an eye opener to how ill I have gotten.  I have to start facing up to things if I want to have some resemblance of a stable life.  I know that for the rest of my life I will have ups and downs but if I can get the right medication and the right life style should help me to keep stable but right now it's not happening.  I really don't believe that the medication is working.  Apart from feeling like part of me is missing I don't really feel much different from before I started taking it.  My normal psychiatrist told me it might not be until I get to the 400mg mark that I'd feel anything definite but I'm still a good month away from that.  It's such a long time in my world at the moment.  It really doesn't help that I sit in the house all day every day, I do try and go out for a walk every day but it depends if I can face it, and then evenings I only go out if I can face it, but a lot of the time I just can't.  So I'm on my own for a great length of time.  Now I love my own company, I love being on my own, but there are times when I get ill that having another person about would not go a miss.  Just to talk crap with or sit and watch TV or play some games.  It's not about talking about how I feel, it's just having another person there.  I think if there had been someone in the flat with me, I'm not convinced yesterday would happen, but I don't know that for sure.  It still could have, I just don't know.

I came so close to being hospitalised/sectioned.  I was very fortunate that I wasn't but I was close.  The choice was almost taken out of my hands, my brain managed to kick in and take control to let me go home, and it does freak me out a bit.  I don't want to be hospitalised either voluntarily or via sectioning I have to be more careful in the future, either plan things properly or talk to people before I get to that point.  I never want to be sectioned/hospitalised ever!