I gave in

Sweet and divine

Razor of mine

Sweet and divine

Razorblade shine

Day after day

Cutting away

Day after day

But anyway

Wake up it's time

We need to find a better place to hide

Make up your mind

I need to know I need to know tonight

Razors: Foo Fighters

Well after thinking about it for a few weeks now I finally gave in and I had a cutting session.  It felt so good.  I really needed it.  I know I have to tell my CPN but I really don't want to, I want it to be mine, I don't want to have to share this.  I hate the fact I am meant to report everything to the CPN and Pdoc.  My moods, my thoughts, my feelings... but they never really seem to hear me.  They sit there, making notes on the computer and then I go on my way.

But to cut was a truly calming experience and I am hoping that it means I get some sleep tonight I usually do manage after a cutting session but I can't guarantee it. I do feel better for it though, but as always when I start I have a hard time to stop.  I just want to keep cutting until it all just stops.  I know I should go to some support groups but I just can't leave the flat all that often.  When I try and leave I do believe that something bad is going to happen.  I can;t tell you what but I know it's going to happen. So I stay at home where it's safe.  I don't like people coming into the flat either.  I tolerate my mother because if she know how ill I am she would never leave me along ever!  There is one other person I don't mind having in the flat but that's because he'll quite happily sit there not talking and just watch TV or work on his laptop without talking about anything.

Cutting is so therapeutic and everyone tells me I need to stop.  It's the reason I'm not at work at the moment, it's the reason I don't have sex but I don't care I like it.  I want to keep this  for myself, so that I can cope.  I don't know how to make myself feel better without it, I don't know how to cope with life without it so why do people want to take it away from me.  I don't want it gone, I want to keep it.  It's the one thing that makes me feel better.

People are telling me that it's not good to cut, that in the long run it won't do me any favours and if I hear it often enough I almost believe them.  Then the need arises, something inside me tells me that to cut will be a great idea and that it would make me feel better.  That something never lies to me.  It does make me feel better so if something is making me feel better and helping me to cope with this curse called 'my life', why should I give it up.

This curse doesn't not get any easier, the meds and seeing the CPN and Pdoc is meant to make me feel better, help me turn my curse into a gift but it never happens.  I get the help, I do the steps but it never gets any better.  I was trying to tell that to someone to day and all they did was shout at me and told me to buck up and fight.  I don't want to any more, I am too tried, too fed up and so bored of living with mental illness that giving in is a very comforting idea.

It's been 5 weeks since diagnosis and nothing has got better.