Well fuckadoddledo

It's official.

I have Bipolar Disorder.  This is something which is a life changing diagnosis. I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I know I've probably had this for a great many years, and it's only through being in one place for a number of year that the problem has really been highlighted and that I got forced into getting help.  Without that push I don't think I would have gotten help at this point.  It could have been another year or so, or I would have moved to get away from the problem.  Perhaps I would never have gotton help and could have successfully taken my life.  Something I have tried once this year and planned a second attempt which I never saw through.  The cutting would increase and that could have caused issues.  

I know I need to look at my life and work out what is good for me and what is bad for me.  Do I got back to work full time, do I only work part time, do I stay living on my own or do I attempt to go back into flat sharing..... there are so many questions going around my head but I struggle to keep it under control which only causes me to freak myself out.  Which doesn't help.

I got put on medication today so I need to see how that effects me and how it levels me out.  I'm hoping I don't go completely crazy on them, or they react so badly to me that I end up being really sick.  There is so much unknown right now and it scares me, really scares me. I need to to take one day at a time but the whole thing just seems so big right now and out of control.

This is yet something else I have to manage for the rest of my life.  I'm not sure I can do it, but I know I have to.  I just need to keep going.

It's not like life has actually changed, I just have the extra support and the appropriate support that I need to live a 'normal' life.  The mood swings should disappear.  But I have upset a lot of people lately, I have alienated myself and at some point I need to start rebuilding these things.  But that's an issue for a different day.

Right now all I need to concentrate on taking my meds, working out what they are doing to me and going to my appointments.

One day at a time.