Noramilty

So I have to reassess what is meant by 'normal'  For years my normal means that I'm either dangerously depressed or so hyper that I have no idea what to do with myself.  These two extremes is what I am, nothing more and nothing less.  However, since I've been on medication I'm in neither extreme and it's so strange.  For a number of weeks I have struggled with being able to sleep and just dozing during the day because I am too tired to do anything else.

Today has been different.  Today, although I am still tired, it doesn't feel so bad.  I'm beginning to get through the tired part and am more awake.  My brain is still working slowly but not as bad as it was.  I do feel more on the ball.  It's like I'm coming out of a thick fog into a more minimal fog.

I suppose I do have to work out what I man by normal, what am I when I am stable, what is the new me.  I know I'm not me any more.  I just don't know who or what I am.  And it terrifies me.  What will people think of the new me, people only really like me when I'm hyper.  Any other way I am no one wants to know.  If I don't go hyper any more I'm just going to disappear, hyper was the only thing that  got me out and about. I'm scared that I will just sit at home and not manage to do any thing, not because I'm depressed but because I don't have the energy to do anything, I will not longer manage to go out anywhere, I will fade away and shrivel into to nothing.

Part of me wants to stop taking the meds so that I can feel like me again, but I know this would not be a wise idea, but I miss the other me, the hyper active me, even the depressed me.  At least I understand who I was then.  At least the get out was easier, right now I don't know how i feel about anything, I don't know how to react to anything.  I just walk through the world and hope I do the right thing.