I'm at a loss

I feel so alone in the world. Granted it's my fault, I'm the one who's fucked, I'm the one who's afraid of getting too close to people, who keeps backing away but equally people let me. I've mentioned this before but I am afraid of change, I'm afraid of new situations. It so my own fault I've become a loaner because my fear of new situation is cippling me. I love going to the cinema with people I already know, but when I get invited to parties etc. I back away instantly. Especially if I think alchohol is involved. I hate drunk people, and I hate being around alchohol, but that's a whole other story.

I'm in a job, I am failing at, and really am not enjoying, but can't find anyother work I want except voluntary work, which is tres annoying. I'm lonely. I'm miserably and I feel as though I'm about to explode. As most depressives would proberbly tell you it's the night times that are the worst. That's when I become really anti-me. I want to cry, but I'm to numb to. I want to scream, but nothing comes out. It's almost as if I'm feeling every negative emosion under the sun but I can't do anything about it. I'm just at a loss of what I should do. I have no safe place to let these feelings go, instead I'm doing the worse thing I can. I'm hiding them all from those around me and carring them around with me, every single day.

I'm at a loss.