To cry in front of you, is the worst thing I can do

 "I could hurt someone like me,
Out of spite or jealousy.
I don't steal and I don't lie,
But I can feel and I can cry.
A fact I'll bet you never knew.
But to cry in front of you,
That's the worse thing I could do."

There Are Worse Things I Can Do: Grease

Prayer in community has be really hard for me for quite a while.  However, after months of discussion and a doctors visit (!), things are beginning to settle.  I've managed to have some nice prayer times, that have been suitable for me.   Today, during prayer, we were asked to write a letter to ourselves.  Quite a hard thing today, but I set my music up, put my headphones in and started to write.  When I write like this, I don't often know what it is I'm writing.  I stop thinking about it and allow the words just flow. 

Reading back over what I wrote was really interesting.  It's really made me thing.  I talked about the fact that right now I am at a crossroads, a terrifying crossroads.  At this junction in my life I can either choose life or go back to the hermit I was.  I either have to take life by it's hands and celebrate and enjoy it as much as I can, allow my healing journey to continue.  Or I can stop, I can go back to what I was.  The hermit, the cutter, the depressive. The problem with going back to being the depressive, is that I know what enjoying life means.  I understand what it means to have friends, a social life.  I'm not sure I could go back, and be content.  The problem is with moving forward on the healing journey is I have to face my demons.  I have to trust someone enough to allow myself to cry in front of them.

I have to take and own my emotions.  I need to be in control, rather than them controlling me all the time.  Someone once said to me that you need to be scared to be brave.  However I'm terrified, and I'm not sure I have the strength or the friends to get me through the healing journey.  The more I think about it, the more I dwell on it, the more terrified I become, paralysing terror.

I don't know what I'm going do or what way on the crossroads I'm going to go.  I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for it.  I don't know what to do, no one can tell me what to do.  I'm stuck at the crossroads and can't move. 

I'm paralysed.