Update

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing you're fucking perfect to me.

Fucking Perfect: Pink

So it's been a while since I've last posted and my God a lot's changed.  Shortly after losing my job and my home, I moved back in with Mam.  It was tough to begin with but we've made it work, and got really use to each other and our peculiar little ways again.  Shortly after I moved in with Mam, I went to the doctors and asked if I could be put on Anti-depressents, and they did, with out any hesitation.  So I've been on them since mid April, and I have to say I'm doing really well on them.  The only side effect I really have with them is my neverending appitate, so I'm going to ask the doctors to help me out and give me something to stop it.

One of the major advatages of moving in with Mam, is that I'm closer to my niece and get to see a lot more of her.  She is now 19 months old and is a little wizard on her feet and often gets herself into pickles because she likes to climb up but can never climb down and get's stuck.  She keeps us on our toes.

In August I got a job after six months unemployment.  Now it's only 22.5 hours a week but still it's better than not working.  I am a Learning Support Assistant (LSA) for a college for Adults with Server Learning Difficulties.  I'm loving it.  Totally and completely.

I also past my Hypnotherapy course and in the new year I will be getting my insurance so I can finally make my business a reality.  At the moment everything is just thearetical and I'm just waiting to get things finialised.  I'm hoping that with this business that I can earn enough to either move out of Mams or safe up a deposit so I can buy a place of my own.

Toska (my tortoise) is forever growing and is even bonding with my niece, and she with him.  It's brilliant.  When I finally die in many decades, I can will him to her and she should take him on.  It'll be awesome.

I have joined a local am-dram group and have done three plays so far and am working for the third one and am also trying to sort out dirrecting for another one later on in the season.  I've been doing sound for all the other shows, so it'll be interesting taking that leap and going for directorship.

So life is looking up.  I'm stable.  I may not be happy (not that I know what that looks like), but I'm doing okay.

All and complete change.

Anyone who has been reading my blog for many years when it started over at blog-city, knows that for a number of reasons, one of which is my dyslexia, is that I do not handle change very well.

Over the past eighteen months I have had a lot of change, I changed jobs twice, I've moved three times.... it's been quite a ride.  I had hoped that when I moved into my current house and started my current job I could stay put for a while I get my equilibrium back again.  However this wasn't to be.  Here I am sitting on my third to alst shift at work, knowing that on Monday not only do I move but I also get to change jobs.

My new job is going to be awesome it's what I want in a job.  I will be working in a retreat centre for young people to explore their Catholic faith.  In one year we will see 18,000 young people.  I'm going to be working as senior retreat leader.  It's going to be great.  This is what I'm convinced that the good Lord wants me to do with my life.  The sticky point is the fact that I have to live in community.  I really want my own place but it's just not meant to be.  In it's own time.

However the point of this post is the fact that on Monday I have yet another big change in my life and I'm not sure how well I'm dealing with it.  My sleeping is all over the place, my eating is all over the place, at night when I can't sleep I can feel myself on the edge of a panic attack and I can feel myself starting to cry and shake.  As much as I want my job, and I'm uber excited about it and I truly believe this is right for me I'm not sure I'm strong enough to deal with yet another change in my life in such a short period.

It's been a long time since I've felt settled.  It's a long time since I've really felt safe. When I was in Berkshire, I lived in a house for two and a half years, I did a job for three years.  It felt good even when I was stressed to high hell and my depression was really bad.

All I want is to feel like everything  is safe and secure.