Noramilty

So I have to reassess what is meant by 'normal'  For years my normal means that I'm either dangerously depressed or so hyper that I have no idea what to do with myself.  These two extremes is what I am, nothing more and nothing less.  However, since I've been on medication I'm in neither extreme and it's so strange.  For a number of weeks I have struggled with being able to sleep and just dozing during the day because I am too tired to do anything else.

Today has been different.  Today, although I am still tired, it doesn't feel so bad.  I'm beginning to get through the tired part and am more awake.  My brain is still working slowly but not as bad as it was.  I do feel more on the ball.  It's like I'm coming out of a thick fog into a more minimal fog.

I suppose I do have to work out what I man by normal, what am I when I am stable, what is the new me.  I know I'm not me any more.  I just don't know who or what I am.  And it terrifies me.  What will people think of the new me, people only really like me when I'm hyper.  Any other way I am no one wants to know.  If I don't go hyper any more I'm just going to disappear, hyper was the only thing that  got me out and about. I'm scared that I will just sit at home and not manage to do any thing, not because I'm depressed but because I don't have the energy to do anything, I will not longer manage to go out anywhere, I will fade away and shrivel into to nothing.

Part of me wants to stop taking the meds so that I can feel like me again, but I know this would not be a wise idea, but I miss the other me, the hyper active me, even the depressed me.  At least I understand who I was then.  At least the get out was easier, right now I don't know how i feel about anything, I don't know how to react to anything.  I just walk through the world and hope I do the right thing.

Christmas and Family

I do like Christmas.   Not the commercial side of it, but the spending time with the family, seeing friends and using it as a way of relaxing and enjoying spending time together.

However, this year, I don't know if it's because I'm in the wrong head space or what but I did not enjoy it this year.  I mean spending time with the niece and nephew is wonderful but the only thing that was talked about was my sister's family, her pregnancy (yep I'm going to be an aunt again), what the niece and nephew are up to, what her husband is up to and how his job is going, where they are at with selling their house, what me Mam is up to, even what my uncle is up to.   Not once was I asked how work was, Mam has asked me not to tell my sister about my Bipolar, I'm not allowed to talk about it at all.  I can't talk about work as I've been to work in a month, but my sister doesn't know any of this.  I actually forgot to take me medication to me Mam's and had to rush home to get it, but again I was not allowed to tell anyone why I had to disappeared.  When I did take the meds, I had to do it in front of my sister and my brother in law because there is not privacy to take it anywhere else.   It wasn't talked about, it wasn't mentioned.

I know I haven't told me Mam just how ill I have been this year.  She has no idea I attempted suicide in May, or that I planned it again in August.  She has no idea that I have cut myself so much this year that I've actually got scars.

I'm meant to tell my family this as they need to know what my moods are to help me deal with it, but I can't tell them.  Me mam is just one of those people where you just don't talk about mental illness.  If I had cancer or broken a leg she would be happy to tell other people and get support.  Because it's Bipolar we don't talk about it, we don't mention it to anyone.

So it was an odd Christmas for me.  I also had to double my dose of lamotrigine to 50mgs yesterday so we'll see what that does.  I'm still not sleeping too well.  Only a couple hours a night, the rest of the time all I manage to do is doze.  But still fully aware of what is happening around me.  I'm really tired, but not feeling depressed nor an I hyper.  I'm too tired to do anything.

In better news CD and I are talking again and hoping to meet up.  He's feeling better but I don't know how I feel at the moment.  I want to see him, and I have missed him but I wonder if he is the right person for me.  He needs someone who's supportive and I need someone who's supportive.  If we keep getting ill at the same time it's never going to work.  If we get ill at different times it won't matter so much as we can support each other.  The medication is also making me horney so I don't know if I want to see him because I want the sex.

Everything is so confusing and I don't know how I feel about a lot of things.  I don't know if the medication is a good thing because I don't feel like I'm me.  Without the extreme moods I feel like most of me doesn't exist.  I don't know who I am without the swings.  At some point I have to go back to work as I'm having money issues and without a full months pay I'm screwed.

In some ways having a diagnosis of Bipolar has been like a weight lifted from my shoulders, the mood swings I've gone through and the horror I've been through is not my fault.  It's not something I could control it's all part and parcel of being bipolar.  But now I have this diagnosis and I'm not sure what I should do.  I have to change my life style I'm sure of it, but I don't know what I should do.

I have many people who said that I can talk to them about stuff but none of them are bipolar, and not sure what to say or how to help me.  Someone asked me what they could do to help me and the truth is I have no idea.  I don't understand myself, I'm not sure I know who I am any more.  I know I don't really want to cut and I don't want to commit suicide so these are good things but other than that I don't know anything.  Having spent years trying to learn who I am I have to start again.  At 35 years of age and feeling so alone I'm not sure I can.

This is week 3 since diagnosis.

Didn't expect this.

Today has not been the greatest of days. 

I had 8 hours of sleep which was amazing, I've not slept like that in months.  It was peaceful, I did dream but for the life of me I couldn't not tell you what I have been dreaming about.  I think that 8 hours of sleep has been my only positive for me.

Today I started off being really dizzy and as the day went on I had dizzy spells, it was like I had no balance.  I would be walking and then veering off in one direction or another.  When I stood up, sat down or moved my head too quick the world would spin.  This subsided as time went on but my head would spin at random times through out the day, which has made me feel more than a little nauseous.   So I haven't eaten much today.  

I have also been crying on and off today.  Not so much full on sobbing, but I have had no controls of the tears that having been coming out of my eyes, so I am exhausted.  At the best of time I hate crying and avoid it as much as I can, but this has been uncontrollable and am thankful that nobody could see me or hear me.

I'm hoping that another good nights sleep will help me to get more in control of my feelings and my reactions.

But on the other hand I do feel calmer.  My body is more relaxed, I am thinking slower but it makes more sense, I feel like I can cope with anything and stay calm and relaxed.  I don't think I have ever felt this was before.  I think this is good but it's odd.  It's like I'm missing part of me.  I'm neither hyper nor am I depressed, I just am.  I'm sure I'll get use to this, but I do feel like I'm a different person.  Which one is me,  this one or the other one.  I have to learn to function as this person, to see the world as this person, interact with people.... in some ways I'm a toddler learning about the world again.

On top of all of that I think I have an ear infection in both ears.  

Week 1

For longer than I can put my finger on I have always had horrible mood swings.  Either I am hyper active or I am depressed.  When I am hyper active I would spend too much money and get into debt, I would go out and be overly social and meet lots of people, join lots of groups and volunteer for things.  I could do my household chores but not nescessarily in one go.  I would put a wash on then start on the washing up, get half way through that and decide that my bedroom would need cleaning, then part way through decide I needed to sort out my kitchen cupboards and so on and do forth.  It would take a long time for me to complete any job I completed, and I am talking a days not hours.  I wouldn't really sleep, may a few hours every few days.  People liked me when I was like this, I was happy and a joy to be around.  Although, as I got more hyper people would ask if I was on something, or if they could take what I was on because I just didn't stop, ever!  I would also get cranky and become very sarcastic and people would struggle with that, but I never saw an issues I would just carried on going.  When I was really hyper I would start cutting myself to bring me down a bit.

Then I would, what I termed, crash.  This is when I got into a depressed state.  I would not want to get out of bed, I would sleep all the time, I would eat very little and loose a lot of weight.  I would not socialise unless I absolutely had too, I wouldn't wash, I wouldn't do any house hold chores, I hated talking to people, I would just shut down.  I would also start cutting myself a lot to bring my mood up.  It would help me get up in the morning to go to work or do what ever job I needed to do.

I of course dealt with this in the only way I knew how, I would but myself when I could, sometimes take an overdose of painkillers and alcohol to get high, I would change jobs, I would move house, I would break of friendships and acquaintances.  I would do near enough anything other than deal with what ever was going on.

I was told I had depression, I would take antidepressants but was never convinced they would work.  I went through Cognitive Analytical Therapy (CAT) for 24 weeks and helped me a lot and for a while, although I still went up and down, I didn't hurt myself in ways.  But I still changed jobs and moved around then things got too much.

These mood swings got worse, then this year was a bad year.  I was hyper at the beginning of the year, got all my work done, was sociallising, was even a head of myself on the paper work.  Until in March/April I attempted suicide but failed.  I just ended up vomiting all night.  I was so angry and upset the next day that I was horrible to work with.  A friend cornered me and asked what was wrong, I said to them 'I shouldn't be here, I should have died' and walked off.  She watched as over the following months I withdrew from people and started to shut myself down.  She became worried, what she didn't know what that I was planning another attempt and that I was self harming.  All she knew what that I had attempted and failed a suicide attempt and that I was shutting myself down.

She got worried and told our management what she knew.  She was not wrong to do this, but I was not ready to acknowledge the place I was at.  So I was forced to.  I went through a suspension, I went to the doctor, who refereed me to the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT).  I was put on citalopram and went as high as a kite.  I was so hyper it was funny.  Then I crashed as didn't get out of bed.  So I was put on mirtazapine so that I could sleep, it has a sedative affect.  For three days I got 10 hours sleep a night.  More than I had in three months, and then I went hyper again and this was intense.  I couldn't sit still for more than 1 minute, I couldn't concentrate on any conversation more than a minute.  I would walk for three or four hours to try and burn off my energy.  Then I crashed and I wanted to die.  It was horrible.  So I was given an emergency appointment with the CMHT and was a psychiatrist and Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN).

The initial report they sent me was full of inaccuracies of the conversation we were having that I didn't believe I had been there in the room.  I honest didn't think I had been there.  It was crazy so I started to doubt this team.  Still, because I knew I had to, I carried on going to see the CPN.  She talked me through things and gave me a mood questionnaire to fill in.  It was 15 pages long but I filled it in.

The psychiatrist looked over the questionnaire, the conversations we had had, the edits to the report I had made, and with the notes my CPN had made from our sessions.  It was decided that I have Bipolar Disorder.

This is a big diagnosis and life changing. I was put on quetiapine but I had a bad reaction to that.  Although it made me very tired to the point I could barely move I could not sleep.  Then I hallucinated all night that something was licking me. It was a horrible, horrible night.  So now I am on lamotrigine which has calmed me down.  I can now sit still, I can concentrate for longer periods of time and the need to talk has decreased.  I am defiantly calmer.  My sleep has doubled from 1.5 - 2 hours a night to 3-4 hours a night, but I am more tired.  I doze during the day because I can't keep my eyes open, but I don't sleep.  I usually doze after I take my medication.  I am on 25mgs at the moment but as of Christmas Day it gets doubled to 50mgs.  I see my psychiatrist in January for a more complete conversation about what it means to Bipolar and how best to manage it. 

I don't know how soon I will return to work, if I go back full time or if I go part time or just find a new job.  I just don't know.  Right now I need to think about what I need to control my Bipolar and how to mange this condition.  It is something that will never go away, I have to learn to live with it and it scares me stupid.

It will be interesting to see what the new year brings.  

This is end of week 1 since my diagnosis and being on medication.

Well fuckadoddledo

It's official.

I have Bipolar Disorder.  This is something which is a life changing diagnosis. I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I know I've probably had this for a great many years, and it's only through being in one place for a number of year that the problem has really been highlighted and that I got forced into getting help.  Without that push I don't think I would have gotten help at this point.  It could have been another year or so, or I would have moved to get away from the problem.  Perhaps I would never have gotton help and could have successfully taken my life.  Something I have tried once this year and planned a second attempt which I never saw through.  The cutting would increase and that could have caused issues.  

I know I need to look at my life and work out what is good for me and what is bad for me.  Do I got back to work full time, do I only work part time, do I stay living on my own or do I attempt to go back into flat sharing..... there are so many questions going around my head but I struggle to keep it under control which only causes me to freak myself out.  Which doesn't help.

I got put on medication today so I need to see how that effects me and how it levels me out.  I'm hoping I don't go completely crazy on them, or they react so badly to me that I end up being really sick.  There is so much unknown right now and it scares me, really scares me. I need to to take one day at a time but the whole thing just seems so big right now and out of control.

This is yet something else I have to manage for the rest of my life.  I'm not sure I can do it, but I know I have to.  I just need to keep going.

It's not like life has actually changed, I just have the extra support and the appropriate support that I need to live a 'normal' life.  The mood swings should disappear.  But I have upset a lot of people lately, I have alienated myself and at some point I need to start rebuilding these things.  But that's an issue for a different day.

Right now all I need to concentrate on taking my meds, working out what they are doing to me and going to my appointments.

One day at a time.

Out of control

I don't understand how I got to this point. It's all suddenly got way out of my control. I can't hack this.

I went to a mental health wellbeing course. It was whilst I was there I realised just how much I screwed up. Not one person in that room had worked a full time job. They were what you expect when you think of people who have mental health issue. When/how did I turn into that person? Since the session I have struggled with thoughts of cutting myself. It's all I want to do. And I am tired of trying to find distractions. I am tired of trying to keep going for people, I am tired of being strong. I just want the world to fade away! I can't do this any more.

Only in hindsite

So work as given me a leave of absence so I can concentrate on getting myself better and to create a support network for myself and to freely access the support i require.  They have also given me this leave of absence on full pay. This is quite something for where I work, so I have to see this as a positive.

Today, I think, is an important day in my road to recovery, even if I can't see it right now. I need to take one day at a time and allow myself time to recover.

It scares to to tell CD or my family but I need to find out where I stand with people. I am hoping that the referal for my CPN appointment comes soon. In the meantime I am accessing Changes which is the only mental health support in my area outside of the NHS. I hope I get on top of this soon.

I feel like my world has come crashing down overnight and I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I think that's the illness speaking rather than me.

Fail!

Well, shit! I've had to go back on meds. Work have told me either I sort out my mood swings or I won't have a job any more. So yesterday I went to the doctors and explained to them what's been happening including the self harming and planning to take my own life. They have me on citilopram  (20mgs) with looking to double that in two weeks. I am also on the waiting list for a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) and further therapy. So that'll be fun. It's not what I want but I need to to keep my job so I can get my qualification so I can get a new job.

And on top of all this I need to have a converaation with CD about what I've been doind and what is happening. I doubt he'll stick around. I'll be single again before two much longer.

The doctor says I need to create a support system for myself which is a lot easier to say than do. I move too much and I don't let people in close enough to see what's going on and to say help is near impossible. But I know that without a support system I don't get better so what do I do? Any support groups near me only meet during the day and I can't afford time of work. I'm in this situation that a number of people I know are in. We manage (just) to keep down a full time job but when we need a bit of support there is nothing because we are working full time and there are no groups for out of work hours so we keep going. We hit crisis and then we have to take time of work, we loose money, and then we get into debt and things start spiralling out of control so I ask again. What am i meant to do?

I hate being ill enough to fuck up work but not ill enough to get any real support. I don't know what the answer is or what I can do about it but it plays on my mind and makes me worse as a result. I should be reducing my stress levels not increasing them.

The mental health system  (like a lot of systems in this country) is fucked.

How?

Whenever I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord your soul to keep

And bring you home safe to me, for ever darling

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you (Indeed I do) - Frank Wilson

Anyone who has known me for any length of time know that I truly believed I was made to be single.  It's part of my make up and I made peace with that a long time ago and made a life accordingly, never having to think about another person etc.

However, with CD, entering my life things have changed.  I have turned into one of those ridiculous people who just go gaga thinking about him, who smiles when their phone goes and just can't wait until I see him.  I can't get over how different I am and how I see things differently.

I have been to the doctor to talk about contraception, not that I've acted on it but I have actually started talking and seriously thinking about sleeping with this guy.  It's been a long time since I have felt sexually attracted to someone.  It scares me how real this could be, I am desperately trying to not freak myself out, to take my time but not drag my heals.  I am taking stock of my feelings and moving accordingly.  I am hoping that I can take the next step without completely freaking myself or him out.

How quickly can you fall in love? I have real feelings for him and they are intense.  So much so I do keep freaking myself out with all of it, and thinking about it all.  I am trying not to rush into anything too quickly after all we've only known each other 5 weeks, dated for 3 of those.  We talk every single day, and try and see each other as often as we can which is hard.  We're quite a distance from each other, he works shifts, only gets one weekend off in three and he has a daughter to see.  It makes it hard but it's so worth the effort.

There are times I feel I am being over cautious, there are times I feel overwhelmed and things are going to fast.  However, CD knows when I'm freaking out and allows me to just do what I need to do.  He looks at me and tells me how cute I am when I freak out.  Then he kisses me and everything just fades away, the important thing is he's allowing me time and space to work stuff out.

I told him I had never slept with anyone and he's never pushed me or brought the subject up.  He said he wouldn't push me, but when I'm ready there is a bed waiting.  He is happy though to just spend time with me and allow me to work through what it is I need to do.   He is not pressuring me into anything.  He just goes with the flow and I push myself to make things work, but not push myself to the point where I feel bad.  I'm enjoying the journey out of my comfort zone.  I sat in his house the other day, on his bed where we lay in each others arms whilst kissing.  That was it.   no pushing, no touching, just chatting and kissing.  It was so overwhelming but I loved it.

So I ask.... how the hell did this happen to me?!

week 2

Is is not easy

but don't give up now

It is not easy

Happiness is an option

It is not easy

but don't give up now

It is not easy

Happiness is an option

This is neither old nor new

It's always, forever

Somewhere between sense and ambition

pleasure and decision

we have to make a choice

What do we want?

Happiness is an option by Pet Shop Boys

So it's been over a week since my date.  Things have moved on a bit.  

1. To be in someone's bedroom and to make out was an odd sensation.  I just wanted to be there in that moment and never let him go.  Even if I did freak myself out occasionally, he just let me rabbit on, whilst he just lay there looking at me with a smile on his face, which of cause made me want to kiss him and hit him at the same time.
2. Meeting friends.  This is quite scary.  If we didn't get on that would make life tricky but they were lovely people and made me feel very welcome and I didn't freak out once.
3. We have been texting and messaging as much as we can, between CDs work shift we don't get much time to be physically together, but we do what we can to be together.  He's the first person I talk to in the  morning and the last person in the evening to talk to.   
4. I have turned into the sort of person who just goes gaga over her fella.  I get a text I smile, I find myself saying sweet things like 'I want to see you' or 'my day is better now you've text'.  It's disgusting but I'm loving every second it.
5. Last Friday we went to our gaming group and he wasn't in the greatest of moods and it made me feel strange.  He wouldn't talk much or wanted to hold hands or anything and this confused me.  But the next day we managed to talk about it and clear the air.  It was really nice.  I did't run off or get overly upset.  
6. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, even when he's not with me.  

Although this is all a new experience for me, and I don't like being this gaga woman but I am enjoying every second of it, even if I feel sick some of the time and I don't want to eat.  I think about him constantly, I just want to be with him.  It's so strange and so new and as much as I hate strange and new things, I really am enjoying all the sensations this experience is giving me.  I have to pinch myself often to believe that this is actually happening to me.  I mean me.  The single one.  The childless one.  The selfish one.  I am broke, and yet I will do what ever I can to put petrol in the car to see him, to be with him.  It's insane. I'm not this person, but I am.  I have told him this and he just has that grin on his face and kisses me.  I am working really hard on my own insecurities and issues to try and make this work.  I know it's only just over two weeks but it just feels amazing to be around him.  I'm not going to jump the gun.  I'm taking one meeting at a time and seeing where we go.  Even the whole issue of not having sex right now is not an issue.  He's just letting me take this as it comes.  

What an amazing experience I am having. 

Some good news

You can't give up!

Lookin' for that diamond in the rough

You never know but when it shows up

Make sure you´re holdin' on

'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There has gotta be somebody for me

Ohhhhhh.

For once, I have something positive to write about.

First, I would like to recap on what has been happening.

I had not realised just how far I had fallen until I started cutting myself, and saw how deep I was cutting and how regularly I was cutting.  I haven't cut this deeply in a really, really long time. Although it has been seven days since I last cut, I wouldn't say I have stopped thinking about it or stopped wanting to do it.  I'm not even all that fussed that I have cuts on my arm, I think they are beautiful and I hate the fact I hide them, I really just want to show them all off to everyone, but I know the repercussions of doing that would be awful for me and that's not what I want.

I also considered weather or not I wanted to take my own life.  I sent cryptic messages to a friend of mine when I was bad, and although I wouldn't go into details he did sent messages back and as a result of this I am still breathing.  A lot of that is down to him.  

Work has been beyond ridiculous and I've only been back 10 days and I already feel like I'm on burn out.  

However, the most important thing I am going to write about today is what happened to me yesterday.  There was going to be a group of five of us going to a Burlesque fair, when I awoke in the morning I discovered that a number of people had rained off due to illness.  The reason I was going to the fair, apart from the fact I love Burlesque, is that one of the group going was a friend who I have not seen in a very long time and I adore spending time with her.  Alas this was not meant to be.   So who was left was me and this Guy, CD, and that made me question weather or not I wanted to go to the fair.

The history between CD and I is as follows:  We met three Fridays ago (28.09.15) and we immediately hit it off.  He is so funny and just made me laugh and smile, which considering I was cutting myself and trying to get high was brilliant.  The next week we were defiantly flirting a bit more, being touchy feeling etc.  All the things I am not, but was that day.  It was crazy.  He asked for my phone number, which I never, ever give to anyone I have known only two weeks (work is different, sometimes numbers need to be given to staff members).  We started chatting straight away and spent a whole week chatting.  Then I told him about this Burlesque fair I was going to and he invited himself, which I was fine with has there was a number of us going the pressure was off.  However, now it's Saturday morning and all that's left is him and me.  I am freaking out to whether I should meet up with him and go to a Burlesque fair! 

It took a while but I decided that I should just over come my anxieties and just go for it.  So I did.  We had a whale of a time.  The fair was amazing and then we walked around Birmingham looking at the architecture of the buildings.  We spent the whole day together and quite late into the evening.  We laughed, we talked (I even talked a little about my depression and I never talk face to face about it unless I'm well!), we teased each other, we held hands and at the end of the day before I got on the train we kissed.  As nervous as I was I loved it, I didn't want him to go.  I wanted to carry on kissing him.  I have never felt that way about anyone.  Usually when I kiss someone I can't wait for it to be over.  But this time it was different.  I wanted him to stay.  I did not want him to go.

So we got on our respective trains.  And the whole way home I could not stop smiling.  Not for a single second.  It didn't even faze me that I had not idea how many stations I needed to be on the train for, it didn't faze me there were not announcements on the train for approaching stations, it didn't even faze me that I had to walk home in the dark.  I was just happy.  At one point I thought I was actually going to cry.  I had to send him a text to say I got home safely which normally would annoy me but didn't this time.  I thought it quite sweet.  Into the evening he sent me a text asking if we could count this as our first date!!!! I said yes.

I had truly convinced myself that the good Lord made me to be single.  I would never know a mans touch, I would never know what it was to be in a relationship.  I know that it's still early days but this man makes me want to smile.  The next little while is going to be a lot of fun trying to work things out and not let my depression get the better of me.  

He lives quite a way from me and he doesn't drive and he works shifts so it's going to be interesting trying to find the time to see each other.  I know we chat a lot, but I am determined to try and see him when I can.  I just hope that my depression isn't screwing with me that these feelings are not real, but the do and I'm enjoying it and trying not to freak my self out too much.

Well that esculated quickly.

I know I was struggling to keep the depression under control but I was doing it. I felt like crap but I went out, I was social, I was nice to people.

I had two weeks holiday from work and I was broke ao I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. All my normal groups got cancelles due to school holidays or illness. This meant I was sitting home alone all day every day. The guy from christmas was also having a hard time and was trying to talk to me about it. I couldn't cope. I took a painkiller/alcohol concotion (once) and I started cutting myself (almoat daily for one week, but kept on going for a few more weeks). It felt fantastic and I still don't regret a thing. It made me feel better.

At my Friday gaming group there is a new guy who has started and he makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself. He flirts with me and I like it. It doesn't scare me.... except I don't know if he's flirting because he's that sort of guy or because he likes me. He asked for my number having only known me for two weeks and, shocked myself I gave it to him! We are now facebook fruends and have spent the weekend chatting.  I'm trying to rearrange things so i have the petrol to see him on Friday.... and every friday. I don't want ti be that sort of person and I don't know if my feeling are real or a biproduct of the depressive state I am experiencing. After three weeks (two of them knowing this guy) I have stopped cutting. After our first meeting I reduced the cutting, even the number of cuts when i did.

I wish I wasn't so screwed up so I could enjoy this more. I should stop worring and enjoy what I can for as long as I can.

I can't do this.

I can't donthis
I can't do this
I can't donthis on my own.
Plumb - I can't do this

My rubies attrmpted to appear tonight but the digger was blunt so I didn't get many. I failed at the one thing I had hoped would just make me feel better but it's made me feel worse.

Wvery cell in my body is reaching out, grasping for something and getting nothing. I open my mouth and the words never leave. Just sit there in my brain going round and round and round but never leaving.

I'm at a loss. No one knows. No one notices. Let tonight be the nighty soul leaves..... please.

I don't wanna.....

Going through the motions

Faking it somehow

I can't even see

If this is really me

I just to be alive

Going through the motions - Buffy: Once more with feeling

I don't wanna die
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna cut
I don't wanna not cut
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna wake up
I don't wanna smile
I don't wanna cry
I don't wanna feel
I don't wanna not feel
I don't wanna do anything
I don't wanna do nothing

In short I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I feel.  I get up, I am Going through the motions, I go to sleep.  I don't dream any more.  I sleep for a good 10 hours, more if I can manage it.  I do my chores, I do what I need to but that's it.  If I'm honest I don't even mind.  I do my voluntary work, I do my gaming groups, I go to church.  I help people if they ask for help.  It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't fulfil me, it doesn't do anything.  I fake my smiles, I fake my laugh.  I don't cry, I don't get mad, I don't get annoyed.

The worse part is that I still can't seem to write, I can't cut, I can't get high.... Baking is the only thing that gets me feeling anything but I don't want to eat.  I've lost a stone, no ones notice.  I try hard not to eat much.  At the moment I have to eat four times a day as I've had tonsillitis for about three weeks, my antibiotics dictate I eat.  However, before that I had some weetabix for lunch and then a sausage sandwich or some soap for dinner.  I drink coke to keep my calories  up, I have vitamin supplements so I don't get too ill.  

I have projects to do around the flat.... not getting done.  I have a qualification I'm studying for.... very slowly doing it.  I resent having a pet to take care of but I do it.  I resent having to shower, I resent cooking and eating.   I have books to read.... all they do is make me sleep, I have games to complete but can't focus on them.

My prayer every night is just not to wake up in the morning.  I resent waking up.  What's the point?!

fail

The other night, I was at home, I should have cut I didn't.  I needed something more.... more to the point I didn't.

I had pills and alcohol and hated the fact I woke up the next day.  I'm such a failure.  No one knows.  Not until now.  I should cut, but it just feels like a lot of hard work.

Why can't I cut? Why can't I try again?

Am I lost?

"I starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And your message couldn't've been any clearer

If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself and make that change'

Man in the mirror - J2 feat Cameron The Public

I'm lost, I'm so lost and I don't know how to get back.... I don't know if I want to go back.  Oblivion is a place I would really like to be.  It is so inviting, somewhere I can get comfortable. I know I shouldn't, I do, but I am so tired, exhausted.  I have no map, no compass, and I'm not convinced I care.  The road I am on is comfortable, it's like going home.  I smile as I great old friends, recognising landmarks.  

This is a journey I take alone, for the first time in my life I take this journey alone and I am content with the likely outcome.  There is no fear, no pain, no confusion... just the journey.

One hour at a time, moving in a direction, never stopping, fighting doesn't work, all I can do it to keep moving in a direction.  Where that takes me, I can imagine, but that's where I am, it's what I'm doing.  No more fighting.

take a step back.

There are time in ones life when you should stop.  Look at your life, and work out if you like who you are, do you know who you are?  Do you like what you've become.

I've been doing that a lot lately, I'm not really sure why.

I have spent a number of year, since I finished therapy, trying to find my way in the world.  I change jobs so many times, trying to work out what I wanted, what I needed.  I moved to different areas, met new people, tried different things.  Pushing my comfort zone, looking for something, some meaning to help me to keep going.  I know that I am made for the single life, I don't do well around people for a long period of time.  I never have been.  People annoy me.  I can't think of anything worse than sharing my life with someone.  That I come home to an empty house, to do what I want to do, in the time I want is my saving grace.  I love it and it's what I need.

I have all that I have ever wanted, I live on my own, I can support myself. I have a social life.  I do voluntary work.  I am part of a wonderful parish.  I have a worth while job and am  making a difference in lives.

I should be content, I should be fine to glide through life until death.  Yet I never want to wake up, I hate waking up.  I want to stay asleep forever.  I am always tired.  I feel nothing. When a laugh it's not real, there are times I feel I should show some sort of emotion but I have no idea what.  

I just don't understand it.  I have everything I have been working towards for year.  Surely it should feel better than this.  Is this all there is to life, is this what the next 40 years is going to feel like.  If so, God please listen to me and let me die.  I can't do this.

I have spent so long creating this life of mine, I have no idea how to change it at this point.  I am too tired to even attempt to change it.... and I can't tell anyone, because this is my fault.  I thought this was what I wanted. I got what I wanted.  So why am I not content.  Why does it just.... I have no words to explain how I feel.  What it's like to wake up and know I have x amount of hours before I can sleep again and enter the oblivion.  Why can't I stay there!

My prayer tonight is for the strength to do what I need to do.

Rubys

All I think about are rubies. At work I think about rubies. At home I think about rubies. At church I think about rubies. Now I am in bed and I am within a breath of digging out the rubies and just letting them fall.

I know rubies are wrong but the really sort me out and I can tell no-one. I have nothing to tell. I have no words, no feelings. Just rubies.

It's all for nothing. It will always come back toy rubies and the digging. It's always that. Nothing more. Looking for something else will never work. It's always the rubies.

https://youtu.be/a72KYMQnDyk

sex and relationship

So over the past couple of weeks I've been seeing this guy.  I was completely honest with him with the fact that as a 34 year old woman, I have never been in a relationship and I haven't had sex either. He was also honest with the fact he had just come out of a 17 year relationship, with the last two years being as a marriage.  He finished the marriage in a bad way. She cheated on him.  He had only been our of the relationship about four months.

As a result we agreed to take it slowly, working on the friendship side of things and then dee where else things would go.  So four days after we had met, we went of our first date, cinema and a meal.  It was lovely and I enjoyed myself.  We had also been talking on messenger every day since we had met.  Two day after that he asked if he could come over.... I nievly said it was fine and all he wanted to do was make out.  I was not comfortable with this. He didn't want to talk, just make out.  He also started putting his hands all over me and my boobs. I was defiantly not happy with this and told him as such.  I had to keep getting him to back off.  I was relieved when he went home.

We got together again at a group event and we struggled to know what to do. Do we hold hands do we not.  During all this time we are talking on messenger, usually him asking me when he thinks I'll be ready for sex as he's a very sexual person and would really like it, but doesn't want to put any pressure on me.  About four days after that he invited me to his.  So I went, again his hands where all over me, hugging me and stroking me constantly.  Made me feel really claustrophobic. 

So about a day after that, he wanted me to put a date on when he thought I would be ready to have sex with him.  When I could start feeling comfortable etc. I told him that I would be ready when I am ready and he'd just need to be patient. 

I know that I could have had sex at any time with him, but in truth I wasn't sure how I felt about him, especially with the thought of barely knowing him.  I wanted... and told him... that I wanted to take things slowly, get to know each other before we started anything physical.

As a result we are not seeing each other any more and he just wants to be friends. Apparently being physical is more important than getting to know each other. Which is fine, if that's what he's looking for.  But now we're not seeing each other he wants us to be friends, I'm fine with that. However, and this is a bit of a big however, in the week that has been between us not seeing each other and me writing this he has text me or messenged me at lest five or six times a day.  As soon as my phone is on, there is some sort of  message from him.  I had had to fake going away so he would leave me alone but I still get a message from him as soon as my phone is switched on.  I dread putting my phone on, I dread going into facebook.

I have come to the realisation that he is extremely lonely and needs someone to fill his wife's shoes, not be his wife, but fill that gap in his life. I on the other hand an a singleton, I am not going to change that life style for anyone.  They would have to be someone very special.  I have a very busy life, I will change things to fit someone in, and eventually rearrange everything for a special person, however he went from barely knowing each other to trying be an instant couple.  I couldn't cope, and he couldn't cope.  But he is desperately lonely,

He is part of a group I am very active with, which means I will see him at least once a week. I need a break from him, I've tried to tell him to leave me alone but he then complains that I'm taking anything too personally and how are we meant to be friends if we don't talk to each other.

I actually started thinking that I was in the wrong, and that I should invite him around and let him have his way, because at the end of the day I should have sex at least once in my life.  Then I was talking with a friend of mine and and she made me realise that I am 34 years old and that if I am going to have sex it needs to be on my terms and when I'm comfortable with it, and no one should pressure me into doing anything else.

However, I still feel like I did something wrong and that I'm the fuck up. I suppose that's what I'll always be.