Secrets, videos and struggles

I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated

I wanna break this spell that you've created

You're something beautiful a contradiction

I wanna play the game I want the friction

You will be the death of me, 

Yeah you will be the death of me,

Bury it, I won't let you bury it

I won't let you smother it

I won't let you murder it

And our time is running out

And our time is running out

You can't push it underground

We can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom But I'm restricted

I tried to give you up but I'm adicted

Now that you know I'm trapped,

Sense of elation

You'll never dream of breaking this fixation

You will squeeze the life out of me

You will suck the life out of me.

 Time is running out: Muse

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, and although I have really wanted to blog, I've wanted to write.... I couldn't and to be honest, I'm not sure why.  I compose it all in my head but when it comes to logging on and writing things I can't bring myself to do it.  I will surf the net until the early hours of the morning but when it comes to wanting to write something stops me.  Something blocks me.  I can't figure out what.  Even now I can feel something fighting against me.  I want to write, I am writing, but the distractions are great, and I know they are unreal. Even now it's only with the help of this song that I can push through what ever I've fighting.  I don't like it.

Things are going well on the whole.  I'm now completely of meds and doing okay.  I thought I would freak out and struggle, wanting to go back to the old ways but I don't.  In fact I can't imagine ever wanting to cut or get high.  I find it tough to imagine myself ever being in that position in the past, it's such an alien idea to me that I wonder were it came from.  I was 21 when I first cut.  Just found out about my friends suicide and a few months later I smashed this glass thing I owned (accidental) but I picked up one of the pieces of broken glass and the rest you can say is history.  ten years on and I have no idea where I got the idea of picking up that piece of glass and cutting myself for the first time.  I can tell you that at no point did I have a concious idea of picking up glass and cutting myself, just that I did it.  No thoughts, no feelings, just did it.  It's just peculiar concept.  I could understand it if I had heard about it before but up until I did it I'd never heard of it, never thought about it.  I was years later that I realised that I was not alone in it.

However, an old, old, old compulsion/addiction has raised its head.  This one has been going on since my teenage years.  Technically, I suppose, it's nothing that would be deamed 'self harming' but I think it is with the amount of time I allow it to occupy my thoughts and feelings.  I can't stop it though.  I fantasize about being kidnapped, tied up, drugged, gagged, held hostage, perhaps even brain washed.  It's not that it would or could ever happen but it occupies my thoughts and dreams.  I even go on you tube and download things from TV shows.  I know that this is just horrible, and I must be screwed up in the head for wanting it, but I can't help myself.  I have found numerous websites dedicated to this subject matter and yet it's not enough.  I need to experience it.  I can feel it inside me constantly, some days it's stronger than others.

I am a freak on so many levels.