Damn it!

When I was still at school, I used to have some fun with the boys, teasing them, play fighting etc on the way to school. One fateful day, Guy 1 had a magazine with a plastic cover which Guy 2 nicked and put down my back. I retrieved it from my back and put it down Guy 2 back. Guy 3 then grabbed my arm, while still down guy 2 back. I asked him to let go as he was hurting me. Instead he squeezed harder. So I asked him again, nicely, again he squeezed harder. I asked a third time, not so nicely (I think my exact words were "You're hurting me now get the fuck off"), guy 2 is uncomfortable at this point, as my arm is still down his back.

I became scared at this point because of the look in guy 3 eyes. He snapped. So I went to hit him to get him off me. UInfortunatly I forgot I had a bottle of coke in my hand and hit him round the head with that. I admit at that point I did wrong. I should have dropped the bottle, I shouldn't have hit him.

He jumped out of his seat, I cowered in the corner as he thumped me repeatedly on my arm. Then I snaped, I kicked him in the groin, screaming at him that no man was going to have that power over me, and he should just fuck off.

As you can imagin I wasn't a happy bunny, and still had to go to school with Guy 3.

So why am I telling you this, almost 6 years later. I'm running a retreat on Saturday, and there is a rummor that Guy 3 will be showing up. If he shows up I am not going to be able to cope. Which means he will win. I don't want him to win, I do not want him to have that power over me, but at the same time, I can't deal with him, I don't want to talk to him, hell I don't even want to see him. I know how uncatholic this is of me, but I don't want him to come.

He would ruin the day for me, and for those around him. He doesn't believe, always trying to tear everything apart, and is only coming because his mother is a nutcase and really putting pressure on him to attend.

I cried last night because I don't want to see him. I cried because he has this power over me. I am terrified. I don't want to see him. What the feck am I going to do if he shows up!

Dress size

A friend got me thinking about dress size. So here's my rant and outlook on it.

I used to be a UK dress size of 22, proberbly closer to 23. This is BIG. I hated school and hid in chocolate, hence the massive weight gain. Up until that point I was a fairly small lass, as I was hyper active so gaining weight was hard for me. Keeping it off was easy. The secondary school happened. I hated it and ate.

The more I ate, the more weight I put on. The more weight I put on the more miserable I was, the more I ate. The more I ate.... you get the point. So I ballooned.

Trying to buy clothes in the mid 90's when you're that big and a teenager was a nightmare. They were either frumpy and old looking or they were maternity clothing. Either way they didn't look good. I did once find some stylish clothes for the "outsized" women, as we were called. Price tag £90+ per garment. I couldn't pay that sort of money for clothes, even if I could afford it, I refuse to fork out that sort of money on one item of clothing.

Just before my 18th birthday I became really ill. I couldn't eat. I was in constant pain. I kept being sick. In a month I went from a dress size 22 down to a 16. It was the best part of a year before I could eat properly.

Since then I have been ballooning out between 14 & 16, also depends what shops I go into to what size I ware.

Today in 2005, "Outsized" women are beginning to find stylish clothes at affordable prices. Which I feel is a fantastic step forward. But most shops do not tend to stock clothes that are for those over size 16, supposesly. I went into a shop picked up a 14. To small. Picked up a 16 and there is no way in God's Green Earth that I was going to fit in that garment. I had lost weight, and was looking to buy smaller clothes. I left the shop as they only went up to a 16. They refuse to stock anything larger. I reckon there 16 was only a 12 though.

Why can't a 16 be a 16 regardless what shop you walk in to?

I read somewhere than the average size of women in the UK is 16. I did on of those IBM things, and my opimum weight is 9.5 stone. I currently weight 10.5 Stone. I only need to lose a stone, but even then I still won't get down to a 12, which is what most clothing stores cater for. If I decided that I wanted to be a size 12 I would be underweight and I would look shocking because I do have big bones. My wrist bone is bigger than my mothers or my sisters and they are both size 12s. There is no way I will ever be a size 12 and healthy. Remember how Geri Halliwell looked when she became ridiculously thin. I do and she looked ill. She did not look health. Well that's how I would look should I ever decided to become that thin.

But the facts remain. If you are a 14-16 or bigger you are made to feel fat by society which is unfair. I am happy with my weight. (Of course I want the smaller bum, thighs and stomach but I think most people want that), but considering how big I used to be, I'm happy with my weight. There are many people around me who are not happy and want me to lose weight, you here the comments and the glares as you past people.

I am not fat. I'm only a stone heavier than my IBM, although who decides what's good and what's bad?! There was a woman who has big, but she ran the London Marathon and was healthier than many around her. Thin is not always beautiful or healthy.

Relationships

I've had a lot of people ask me lately if I'm ever going to settle down. I mean I'm 24. I don't feel ready to settle down, not with a partner anyway. The problem comes though is that I've not dated since I was 18. Everytime I feel I'm getting to close to someone I back off.

I have done a lot of reflection about this. I am afraid of relationships. I can not keep friendships. I get myself worked up and ill at just the thought of being in a realtionship. I don't think it helps that i've never beded a guy. I'm very nervous at the thought of sex. I don't think I've afraid of it, I've never wanted it, and never felt as though I'm missing out by not having sex. But it is a big part of my fear of relationships. That and men. I've never had a male role model. I hate having a man in the house, espcially over night. If I ever settle down I feel sorry for the poor guy.

In the meantime what am I to do? I want a baby, that much I do know, that and I don't want to bring my child(ren) up by myself. So what do I do?

2005

"Ready Or Not, Here it Come, You Can't Hide
It's gonna Find You and Take you Slowly
Ready Or Not, Here it Come, You Can't Hide
Gonna Find You and Make you want it."

Well it's that time of year again, are you ready to face yet another year. Will this year be any different from the last? Can next year really get any worse? Will dreams become reality?

No one knows the answers to these questions, only God and Destiny. I only hope that 2005 works out better than the years preceding.

Please remember to act responsibly tonight. Alchohol is not worth it!

What if....

As a child Christmas is special. It's the most fantastic time of year. A time when anything could happen. All wishes come true. There is even something in the air. You truely believe that on Christmas eve, nothing can go wrong. Everything is special.

This magic is only increased as you watch those christmas films, where very special things happen. There is one such film called "The Christmas List" with Mimi Rodgers. A very typical type of Christmas film where you are lead to believe that anything can happen, because it's Christmas.

Of course, as you grow older, this illusion is shattered, and you realise that Christmas is just another day. To quote Dreamcater "SSDD". Christmas just becomes an annoying time of year, where you are expected to be nice to everyone, even if they aren't to you. Get cards for people, that you haven't even thought about in a year. And feel bad because you've recieved a gift/card from someone you have not got anything for. It's an awful time of year.

But what if.... What if Christmas could be special if you just believed. If you just wrote a letter to Santa, sent it off, if you truely believed. What if you could be happy at Christmas? What if Christmas could grant your wishes, all you have to do is believe? I would do anything to become that believeing child again, to ask for something, knowing it would come.

Wouldn't it be worth it, to have your dreams come true?

Merry Christmas

To all those who have been reading, or have read, and perhaps won't ever come back.

I hope you have a merry christmas and a happy new year. I don't blog here often, but hopefully in the new year I will blog more, and it'll be more up beat. Who knows.....

Merry Christmas.

WTF

There is something I want to happen to me, the problem is that I know it's wrong. but I think about it day and night, I can almost feel it. I want it to happen so much that I hurt. I feel the need within in every bone in my body, my soul yearns for it. I pray day after day for it to happen, but it never comes. I dream about it, visualise it in my mine, but it is never to be. It is wrong that I feel this way. It is not normal to have this feeling, but I do. I feel that my life is incomplete and I don't think This event will make my life any richer, but I want it. Every night I pray that it can happen to me, but I know it will never be. Regardless how much I wish or pray or positive mojo towards it. It will never happen. I want to feel and expressed this event, but it will never be. I must forget this dream and move on with my life. I want that pain though, I want the terror. What will it take for this event to happen to me? What will I have to sacrifice for it to happen to me.

I even dreamed about it last night. I could feel it all happen to me. Although I was terrified, I loved every second of it. I could physically feel it all happen to me. Which of course, has made me want it all the more. I have to get over this feeling. I've lived with this feeling for years, I'm not sure I could give it up even if I wanted to.

illness

I have this illness called Asthma, and although I try very hard for it not to rule my life. It does. I'm kidding myself if I say it doesn't. I fight very hard for it not to rule my life but if does.

I hate asthma. The other day I went to the cinema to see a film, just over two and a half hours long, towards the end though I really had to pee. As I walked out the cinema I cought someone's perfume, and started wheezing, along with the air conditioning they put in cinemas (why put in on in the middle of winter... it's beyond me!) I had a full blown attack. I had to walk back into the screen so I could find my bag with my inhaler in, and then had to walk out, past perfume lady, and find somewhere to take my inhaler. At this point the other screens where coming out, so I felt like a plonker. A realy plonker!

I hate asthma. I have to be so carful, make sure I carry around all three inhalers, make sure I don't get cold and wet, or if I do I don't stay that way long, incase I get a chest infection. A few years ago, I had a really bad attack, couldn't find my inhalers and as a result, I died. I remember the whole experience. I was looking down at myself on the floor, while the other three around me tried to get me to hand on until the ambulence arrived. Needless to say, I've survived, unless of course I'm a ghost!

I would do anything not to have asthma.

I'm in such a strange place at the moment, I'm happy but I'm not. I don't understand. There is nothing wrong with my life, not really. I'm perhaps on the lonely side, but that's it. I have a job, I have money, I have a job, I have a roof over my head. What else do I need? And yet there is something nagging at me. Pulling me down! I'm not crying, which is a good sign, but I struggle to smile, and by smile I mean smile inside and out. Oh it's easy to physically smile, but it's fake. It feels like a long time before I really smiled, inside and out!

I think I'm making it sound worse than it really is, but then again I can't really tell. I know there are people who are worse off than me, but at the end of the day if you're not happy, your not happy.

Depression

Sometimes I think that depression is just something I encourage within myself because I can, and because I don't want to think about anything. But other times it controls me and nothing I can do can bring me out of the blankness that invades my soul.

So my question is.. Is depression self inflicted or a disease?

I don't think there is an answer to this, only more questions, different views. I suppose this is why it's so hard to treat depression because there are so many causes, some self inflicted, some not.

Some days I feel on top of the world, and nothing can touch me, other days I don't even want to get out of bed, I don't even want to breathe. It just hurts.

I don't understand why I suffer from depression, even if I do suffer, or whether I'm drowning in self-pity. God I'm so pathetic

Cutting

I recently found myself cutting again after nine months of being clean. I had, had a really bad night, and a worse day, I was washing up and saw a knife. So I cut the palm of my hand just to see what it felt like. It felt good.

I stopped then as someone walked into the office. So I only have one small cut. Which no one can see. But the fact remains that nine months of being clean, I cut. I've even started taking an anti depressant again to help me get from one day to the next.

I really though I was over all of this, but obversly I'm not. Maybe depression is something I will have to live with my entire life, and I won't ever get over it. I just hate the thought that I will have bad moments in my life time and time again.

Hello World

Hi Guys

I should introduce myself, I'm CareForMeNot (CfMn for short). I'm here because for one reason or another, I have no where to express my feelings. Not my real feelings. Everywhere I go I draw friends, which I don't mind, but this does mean that I can't be honest around them. So as a result I've decided that I needed to start again.

So this is my blog, my feelings, and no one is going to know who I am, so that this blog can be totally mine, with the worry of upsetting those I call friends.

Welcome to me.

CfMn