Damn it!

When I was still at school, I used to have some fun with the boys, teasing them, play fighting etc on the way to school. One fateful day, Guy 1 had a magazine with a plastic cover which Guy 2 nicked and put down my back. I retrieved it from my back and put it down Guy 2 back. Guy 3 then grabbed my arm, while still down guy 2 back. I asked him to let go as he was hurting me. Instead he squeezed harder. So I asked him again, nicely, again he squeezed harder. I asked a third time, not so nicely (I think my exact words were "You're hurting me now get the fuck off"), guy 2 is uncomfortable at this point, as my arm is still down his back.

I became scared at this point because of the look in guy 3 eyes. He snapped. So I went to hit him to get him off me. UInfortunatly I forgot I had a bottle of coke in my hand and hit him round the head with that. I admit at that point I did wrong. I should have dropped the bottle, I shouldn't have hit him.

He jumped out of his seat, I cowered in the corner as he thumped me repeatedly on my arm. Then I snaped, I kicked him in the groin, screaming at him that no man was going to have that power over me, and he should just fuck off.

As you can imagin I wasn't a happy bunny, and still had to go to school with Guy 3.

So why am I telling you this, almost 6 years later. I'm running a retreat on Saturday, and there is a rummor that Guy 3 will be showing up. If he shows up I am not going to be able to cope. Which means he will win. I don't want him to win, I do not want him to have that power over me, but at the same time, I can't deal with him, I don't want to talk to him, hell I don't even want to see him. I know how uncatholic this is of me, but I don't want him to come.

He would ruin the day for me, and for those around him. He doesn't believe, always trying to tear everything apart, and is only coming because his mother is a nutcase and really putting pressure on him to attend.

I cried last night because I don't want to see him. I cried because he has this power over me. I am terrified. I don't want to see him. What the feck am I going to do if he shows up!