Urg!

It's all gone to shit. I handed in my report, people looked at it and it went down like a lead balloon. I tried so hard at it, but like all things acedemic/written I suck at it. I knew I shouldn't have undertaken this report, but I decided that I should take it so that I can prove to myself that I'm not a failer. I've only added to that feeling.

I've been given another six months to allow this project to grow and become what it should be, but I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure I want to do this. I want to quit so badly, but I want a job. I don't think I can quit doing this report until I have another job. Although at the moment I have not signed a new contract, I could technically leave if I wanted to.

The more I sit here looking at what I need to do, the more I begin to think about weather I want to do the report or want the job waiting at the end. I really don't know. I'm not sure what the thinking behind the report is, weather the end result is wanted within the community or weather it's just what the big man wants.

There are so many hurdles to jump, and I'm not sure I'm stong enough to jump them, with or without support. I had just started to build my self confidence up when this happened, and it's gone back down to nothing. I've already been taking the pills to numb the pain, to help me to sleep, which of course makes it hard to function the next day. I'm also thinking about cutting again, although the only thing that stops me is the fact that I can't hide the marks like I could when I was at uni. If I went into hiding here, people would notice. At uni no one noticed.

I'm not sure what the outcome of all of this will be. As soon as I know I'll let you know.