Today for the first time in what feels like forever the sun has come out. The sky has become blue, a few white clouds out, a true spring day. There's still a slight chill in the air though. Not really supprising as we had snow over there weekend, yes you read that right my dear readers, snow.. in April.
I always pick up when the sun is shining. The more the sun shines, the hotter the weather the happier I am, and the more energy I have. The problem is although it is nice to have the sun and it is sorta making me feel better I still hate the world and all that is in it. I still hate myself and what I have become. I wish I could feel better about myself but this isn't going to happen anytime soon, if it happens at all.
I'm 25 this year and I have accouplished very little with my life. I always thought I would be a mother perhaps a wife at this age, instead I've only just graduated uni, failed at her first job, single and nowhere near being a mother. And I'm still living with my mother. I love her, but I want my own space.
It's like a visious circle and I can't get out of it. The one saving grace though is the fact that I'm not cotemplating suicide or cutting myself, although every now and then I'll take a few pills just to numb the pain, but not enough to do anything major. At most I'll just bruise majorly if I walk into anything.
I have to get out of this depressing rut but I don't know how to, and I certainly don't want to become dependant upon medication to live my life. When people realise you're on meds for mental health everything changes. They treat you differently, they look at you differently. Maybe it's just me being parinoid but I can't deal with any of that.
That's why I've never told my mother the full truth about what I've been through. All she knows is that in the past I have suffered from depression and have been known to cut myself, but that's all she knows and all she'll ever know. She was so disappointed in my when I told her about the depression, I could hear it in her voice, and then she started to treat me differently. I couldn't stand it. So since then I've delt with it my way.
That is why I started this blog up. My other one too many people knew me in real life for me to be honest about my feelings. Even a family memeber found out about it, my fault, but still I decided then that I couldn't continue being honest on that blog, so it's lost it's allure somehow. I still post but it's not the same. This one is my blog, no one in my life knows about it, baring a few online friends.
Isn't it strange how much easier it is to write down your feels and post them on the net than it is to tell someone face to face.
the best laid plans
9 months ago
3 comments:
It's much easier to be open with people who you don't face in real life. I'm lucky to be one of those who gets to see the parts of you that you hide from the world. Let's hope the sun stays out :)
Oh, dear. I am reading more of your blog. Keep writing this is good for you...or at least I can say from my experience with depression. I don't like writing it all here in a public space but since I can't find an email for you I suppose it will have to do. I was a cutter...perhaps always will be, I just like to think of it like being an alcoholic, it is just a while before I do it again, one day at time. It was my punishment. My punishment for being less than I thought I should be, punishment for fucking up, punishment for nothing having a man that loves me, punishment for letting a man treat me the way he did, punishment over and over and with every cut the pain hurt less inside and kept cutting, killing it with droplets of blood. The pain in my arms or on my legs to remind me of what an awful person I was....tossing back a drink sometimes to go with this....this was my escape route. If you need the cutting to survive at this time just remember you won't always need it, cut high, you are not doing this to kill yourself. You just want it to stop. Kill the pain and not yourself. YOu need to take care of you right now, sure it would be great to meet a lot of new people but you want to feel whole when you do this....you need all you can give right now. I can only say what has worked for me...depression runs in my family and everyone else chooses the drugs, various drugs but I go without. I also gave up drinking so much....I take care of myself with exercise and good food (if this means eating twinkies everyday fine, it is better than starving, although as you know good nutrition is most important, it can be hard to get there...it will come) and I have a dog to care for.....I know you are living with your mom, but maybe you can get a plant, I love african violets because they are so peaceful with themselves. But any plant will do, care for it. By caring for it you caring for you. If don't leave the house often, try to at least get out in the daylight one time a day if even for only 15 minutes. Write outside or just sit, or walk....try to notice one thing everyday, don't pick something about yourself, pick a tree, or a frog or a pebble...anything but you, just see it. See it for what it is and not what you think it might be or what it might mean....a tree is a tree. Oh, I wish I could be there and walk with you. Depression is a lonely disease but it does not have to be....there are lots of people here who care about you. We care about the words you write and the dream you have of working with youth...you are something worth fighting for. I am on your side I will fight with you.
please at anytime if you like you are welcomed to write me at ledemure@gmail.com
This does not have to be a lonely struggle.
"Disappointment" is the worst possible reaction for a person to have to a friend's (or daughter's) depression. I'm afraid depression doesn't fit into your mother's fantasy of you. Well, that's her problem.
Most important for you, please don't fall into the same trap of being "disappointed" in yourself. You are who you are, and you have accomplished what you have accomplished.
If you feel the need to compare yourself with someone, pick George W. Bush. When he was 25, he was a useless drunk who had used his Daddy's money to buy himself a college degree, then to buy a danger-free commission in the military, just loitering drunkenly through life with no goals or purpose. And today . . . .
Well, maybe you should compare yourself with someone else, but you get the idea.
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