I hate this. I want to cry all the time. If I stop the noise for one moment, my eyes well up, and I can feel myself on the verge of crying hysterically. I think if I start crying now I won't ever stop. I think I would have a break down and that I would end up instratutionallised. That's the last thing I want. I've been threatened with sectioning once before. I don't want to do there again.
I know this is the point were I'm meant to be taking the pills to help me, but I don't want to go back on those pills. I don't want to feel as though I've failed again. I've had too much failer in my life. I don't want more.
I'm so afraid that someone will ask me how I'm doing and I'll let it all out. I will cry none stop. The thing is I can't even tell you why I want to cry, all I know is that's all I want. I think about what it'll be like if I ended up in a coma for a while, escape it all. Have a chance to decided if I live or die.
Why can't I just be normal. I'm fed up of taking meds for this, meds for that. I'm fed up with my diet, with never being able to lose weight. I hate the fact I'm still living with my mother, I hate the fact I'm 25 this year. I hate the fact I'm single but too scared of trying to find a realationship. I hate the fact that I hate life. I hate the fact that the only time I'm even vaguly happy is when I'm asleep and lucid dreaming. I haven't dreamt in weeks, not since my dream of JB. I hate the fact I can't smile and mean it. At the moment I only smile because people smile at me, because people expect me to be happy. I don't want to smile, I don't feel like smiling, I just feel like crying and crawling into a hole and staying there for a while. I don't want to cope with the outside world, and yet I crave the outside world.
I hate the fact I'm lonely but too scared to start new activities to met new people. I am so patheitic, and I hate it. I hate everything I touch, I hate everything I do and I hate the person who looks at me in the mirror.
"Everyday I fight a war against a mirror, I can’t take the person staring back at me, I’m a hazard to myself. Don’t let me get me, I’m own worst enemy. Better than you to know yourself. So irritating, don’t want to be my friend no more, I want to be somebody else......So doctor, doctor won’t you please prescribe me something, a day in the life of someone else, I’m a hazard to myself.......So irritating, don’t want to be my friend no more, I want to be somebody else" Don't let me get me: Pink
the best laid plans
9 months ago
2 comments:
I'm sorry that things are so hard at the moment. At least here you don't have to give those false smiles
My first visit as well. I wish I had something brilliant to say. Feelings of depression and self hatred are a vicious cycle...though i have no idea what you look like it matters not....you are a beautiful writer and as a beautiful writer you are a beautiful person, I do hope that you will let this shine outward. I understand ugliness but I can say that I look my best when I feel my best, it is just find what makes you feel your best. As cheesy as it sounds it will feel pretty good if you try to stop yourself everytime you want to say that you are anything less than pretty, don't let yourself treat you like that....if you can do it then everyone else will follow, don't give them that power. I do wish you well and I will check in on you.
warmest hugs
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