JB

When Jonathan Brandis died back in 2003, I was deeply, deeply affect. It was something I could never explain. I just was.

Last night I had a dream about him. I remember it so vividly. I remember his smell, his touch, his voice, his eyes, even now as I remember the dream and write it here I smile. I wish I could say it was a happy dream, but it wasn't. I found him hanging. By a tree near a waterfall. I climbed that tree, cut him doen thus saving him. We sat there and talked. We talked about how he felt, how many times he's tried something like this before. The number he came out with supprised me a great deal. He took my hand and we walked, then he grabbed my other arm and carried me on his back. I can still fill his arms, his breathing, feel his breathing underneath me. I smiled, and I could feel him smile. We sat on the bonnet of my car "Wolenczak", which he commented on and thought it was great. I told him that he needed talk to me when he felt like this, he said he would from now on, providing I did. Then I said it. "How can I when your dead." At that moment I knew I was dreaming but I didn't want to wake up, so I stayed there. Turning this dream into a lucid dream. I put my face in his cupped hands and said "You make me as real as you need me to be. Just like you always have." "I can't now though, not now you're dead." I cry. "Don't cry. " he smiled. "As long as you need me I will be here." We hug then. We sit there for an age like this watching the sunset over the waterfall. I don't want to wake up. I tell him that. He tells me that I have to and it's okay because he's always there with me.

It's one of the nicest yet horrific dream I've ever had. I still don't know what to make of it.