Heart of Misery

I don't want to feel anything today
(I don't want to feel anything today)
Anything at all and just be alone
(I just want to know that you want to know)
I don't want to live through another day
(I don't want to live through another day)
Meaningless to fight for the victory
I just want to dive in the heart of misery

One love, One life
Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight
Locked me in the heart of misery

I will never be anything again
(I will never be anything again)
I'm tired to give, I don't want to try
(I'm afraid to live, I'm afraid to die)
I just want to fly, throw it all away
(I just want to fly, throw it all away)
Meaningless to fight for your sympathy
I just want to drown in the heart of misery

One love, One life
Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight
Locked me in the heart of misery

Heart of Misery: The Rasmus

I gave in last night, I just couldn't help myself. I thought I was so tired that I just couldn't cry any more, I couldn't feel any more and all I could do was sleep. I have spent so much time in bed at the moment. I get up as late as possible and go to bed as early as possible. I just couldn't stay awake. Interacting with people just made me feel worst. It zapped my energy more. Then I had a bad shift at work, I even had a few people come up to me and tell me that I wasn't myself and they wanted to know what was wrong. I just told them I was overly tired. I got home and I was determined to go to bed.

However, I was in the flat by myself, no one else was home. I put my music on (thru headphones), I drew my curtains, sat in the dark and before I knew it I started to cry, I honestly thought I couldn't cry any more but I did. I sobbed and more water came out my eyes than I thought was possible. The I reached for my razor. I held it between my fingers, turning it around and around, weaving it in and out. Then I took it in my left hand, I had no power to resit it's song to me, I placed it into my skin and I dragged it across. It felt good, but what shocked me was the fact it really hurt. It doesn't usually hurt until I start calming down. This hurt though, I could feel the pain. Rather than only three of four cuts, I did thirteen cuts. Although I hurt, it felt wonderful, the pain was euphoric, the blood was fun to watch as it came out as ruby droplets. I do not regret what I have done, I just thought that my will was stonger than this. However, I do except the fact that I have been slowly getting worse for weeks. I no longer just think of self harming, but of other things.

The strange thing is that I have felt better today, not fantastic, and I don't think I'll not manage to cut myself again tonight. I feel like the storm in my head is slowing down, blowing itself out. I'm glad I have another day to try and calm my head down and raise my energy levels before I have to face another week at work.

We also have a team day on Wednesday and I really don't want to go, so many people are going to be there, and it's hard enough to cover marks from people who know what I do, but the whole team and trustees, what the hell am I going to do. I also have to spend the day with her the person who has caused me so much pain, and still causing me pain, and still filling me with hatred and bile. I would really like it if I could let it go but I can't.

All I can think about it getting my razor and cutting again. The pain is like nothing I've felt before, and I want it again. I know I need to tell someone, any one but I'm scared they'll take this away from me. The one thing that actually makes me feel something, feel something positive and they'll take it away from me. I don't want that. I'm going to keep this to myself for a while. Why should I let someone take this away from me.

Physcotherapy

I know I haven't said much about this, and in fact most of me talking about it has happened on my other blog. But with what came up at my meeting last Tuesday, I don't feel I can write over there, or tell anyone. If someone, who knows I went, asks me about it I just tell them everything was 'fine'. The really answer to that question is not fine, in fact it's the complete opposite. My head is feeling like it's about to explode.

I was okay after the meeting, but then again I was going straight to work so I really couldn't think too much about what was said, but different aspects of the meeting kept popping into my head. I didn't want them too because I had to open for the youth and I couldn't collapse in front of them. So I pushed them from my concious brain. This was fine until I got home.

I got back to the flat, and the first thing I did was to open an alcoholic drink and within minutes I had drunk it, so I opened a second. Now I hadn't eaten all day. This isn't a good thing for me, I'm meant to be eating, my system can't take me not eating. If I don't keep my food intake up I'm going to become really ill, but that's by-the-by. The alcohol went straight to my head and the meeting came back to me and started to swim in my head. I was getting agitated. I could recognise it in myself. I wanted my razor, I reached for it and kept it beside me.

Basically what came out of the meeting is the following:

1. I'm in the high risk category for committing suicide. This has completely fucked with my head. I don't feel suicidal. Sure I want to cut myself but there is a difference between cutting yourself and being suicidal. But still the therapist is worried that I might take that I step further and actually end my life. Then I looked back at my last attempt. That did come out of nowhere. I hadn't cut for quite a while, I was in a dark place... certainly darker than I am now.... but I hadn't thought about it. I just did it. I wrote a will, instructions for what to do, how to tell people etc.... but I just did it. This time though I have just thought about it once, so I'm thinking I don't want to do it.
2. The therapist wanted to convince me that I was jealous of my sister, because she has a relationship, is getting married, has the house etc. I have to say although one day I would like that, I'm not ready for it right now and I don't want it. Maybe five or six years down the line, but certainly not now. The therapist couldn't understand why I wasn't jealous though.
3. My biological other half and my feeling towards him, confused the therapist. She wanted to make out I was angry at him, that I was hurting because he wasn't around. How can I feel like that, I have no idea what it means to have two parents. I never had it, I have no memories of him. She asked if I had any photos and I said yes I did. She asked how I felt when I saw his in them. I said I felt nothing. She didn't like that, she wrote something on her pad and that was that.
4. She asked what would I be like in group therapy. I told her I wouldn't like that at all. I don't trust and there is no way I would open up to a group of people. I would be hard enough if it was just one person. She said how I had open up to her. I said that I've told her things most people know about me. Nothing I've told her is a secret.
5. We also talked about my cutting. We only talked about that because it's on my medical notes. This is when the whole suicide thing came up. We didn't talk a lot about it, we will do that at the next meeting, but she asked me what I felt when I did it. So I tried to remember what it was I did feel when I cut. The problem is that I don't often know what I feel, there is so much there that I can't name everything I feel. She also asked about how I cut. I told her slow and deliberate. As I calm down the cuts get less deep and lighter. Less blood.
6. We talked about the mask I put on for the world to see. The happy go lucky nothing bothers me mask. The mask I will show everyone because I don't want them to see me crumbling inside. I don't want people to know just how crap I am feeling.
   
7. We never really talked about work. We did talk a little and she said that it must be exhausting for me, emotionally as well as physically (teenagers are not easy). She said it must be equally exhausting because I have this mask on that the world sees. So I have two lots draining what energy I have. None of this is easy.
8. We talked about how crap school was for me.
9. We also talked about physcotherapy itself and how it's about accepting what one feels and examining ones life, what happened and how things from the past can affect us etc. This can be very hard if you have a persecution complex. I didn't think I had this, but she explained it that if I had ever thought 'if it happens to anyone, it's happen to me' or 'why does this always happen to me' or 'why bother doing that it's only go wrong anyway', then you have this complex. Well that's me down to a T. So I'm going to struggle. But if I don't do this, what's left for me. What more can I do? What do I need to do to get better? I can't keep going on like this.
   

As all this was going around and around my head I got more and more agitated. I'm not sure why though. I picked up my empty bottle and in tears and anger I let out a scream and threw it at my wall. I didn't smash, so I tried again. It still didn't smash. I fell to the floor in tears because even that I couldn't get right. (In the cold light of day I worked out why, the plaster is too soft for it to smash, all I have now is huge dents in my wall and missing plaster work which I must fill in at some point).

I cried for hours. I don't think my flatmates heard me, they didn't make any issue of it. In fact I haven't seen them all week to see if they noticed anything. All week this stuff and more has been going around and around and around and around and around and around my head and I just can't get it to stop. My next appointment isn't until the 26th.

What I have to think about is if this is the right thing for me to do, and if it is I have to sign a piece of paper that says I won't attempt to kill myself. I will be given a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) and a number to call when I'm in crisis at 3 in the morning. I may even have to go back on meds.

What have I got myself into, why did I get into such a mess. My life wasn't meant to be like this. Where is the happy girl I used to be. I want her back.

Valentines Day

I think I did a really stupid thing. I sent my flatmate an anonymous valentines card. I got someone else to write it, and post it so it wasn't my handwriting and it wasn't with a local postmark.

Part of me wants him to work out it was from me, but part of me wishes I never had the idea and that I never sent it. It didn't turn up today, which means it'll probably turn up tomorrow.

I think it has to be the dumbest idea I have ever thought off and acted upon... why did I have to be so stupid!!!!!

Romance & Relationships

I have had crushes in the past, I have felt things for guys in the past. That I can not deny. Yes, each time they have been unrequited and it's annoyed me.

However this time it's so different. I don't know if it's because I know him so well, or because I spend a lot of time with him or this is the real deal, but I have such strong feelings for him. I look at him and I just want him to put his arms around me and kiss my neck. Now this is something special as I have a phobia of people touching my neck and tend to freak out if it's touch. I was to snuggle into him when we're watching TV or I'm reading a book. Most of all though, I actually think of taking him to bed. I have never felt that way about anyone in the past. When he's not around I do more than miss him, I ache to the point I can barely breathe. When I hear him or smell him I instantly feel happy and perk up. If he's not around I feel hollow and empty.

How can anyone feel like this about someone they are not in a relationship with I just don't understand. I want to ask him out, but the fear of things changing between us, the fear of rejection is just so big. I couldn't handle it if things got funny between us, I really couldn't. It's not what I want between us, but at least I have friendship with him. I pray every night that something between us will change, that he will ask me out, or kiss me or I have the guts to ask him if there was any way that he felt the same way as me.

He has never given me any indication that he has any romantic feelings towards me at all. We've talked about relationships in the past and he says he doesn't want one. I suppose that should be my cue to get over him, but I can't. I want him so much, every atom and neutron in my body cries out for him. I have written to him so many times about how I feel but yet I never have the guts to give it to him or email him.

I hate the way I feel and the fact I can't let him go, I wish I could more than anything else in the world. I don't want to feel like this any more (unless I know he feels the same way but since I'm never going to find that out, it's not worth thinking about).

Feelings, relationship and Trust pt 1

I don't like to use the Love word. I think it gets used to much in life when people don't really mean it or people don't really understand what it means, not to it's fullest.

I have never been in Love, I have never had (other than family) a loving relationship where the person I am with loves me back, I have never been touched by a man (other than kissing). The thought of being with someone so completely like that does scare me. Not sex itself, but being so close, to allow someone to get so close to you that they know you at your core. That scares me.

I've talked about this in my other blog, but a lot of the problem is not Love itself but Trust. I have trust issues and I don't trust easily.

What I really want to talk about though is that I need to get away from S, although we share a flat together, as much as possible I have to not see him, not talk to him, not smell him, not hear him. If I can get far enough away from him perhaps I can forget my feelings for him. Although he is the only guy I have ever thought about having sex with.

I like S so much, but he has never shown any interest in me in a romantic kind of way. This Christmas I bought him a gift, I did for him birthday and last Christmas, he's always got me something for Christmas and for my birthday. But this year, for what ever reason he didn't get me anything. I know Christmas is not about gifts but I thought out of everyone I know he would be the one person who would get me something, he's the only one that matters. It sounds so shallow of me, and so petty but it really hurts that he got me nothing, not even a card. My other flat mate didn't get me anything, but then he never had, but I thought S and I were different. It's just not doing me any favours having these feelings for him. It needs to stop.

If you know a pill that could make these feelings go away, please let me know. I hate them. I don't want them any more, I really don't.

review

2007 was spectacularly shit, I actually took up cutting and it was like meeting an old friend I hadn't seen in along time. I know that this friend could get me into a lot of trouble, but I had forgotten (not completely) how this old friend makes me feel better and helps me to cope when things are not going so well. This is the only way I cope with the shite that life threw at me last year. Cutting is very strange, it calms me down so quickly, looking at old scars you can tell in each round when I start to feel better because the cuts get smaller and lighter. I always sleep fantastically well after I've cut. That's now content it makes me feel.

Most people, while growing up, have a friend that their parents don't like and wish that you didn't hang around with. That's what cutting is to me, a friend who means so much to me and helps me in so many ways, but can get me into a lot of trouble, especially by those who know that I cut.

I still have not told my mother about the depression or the cutting this time around, nor have I told her that I'm about to undertake the psycho therapy. This does scare me but I know if I want to lead anything resembling a normal life, where I deal with things in a way that I don't cut then I need to do this. Saying that however I have been told that I may never give up the cutting. This could be with me for the rest of my life, something I don't relish but something I might have to accept. I had accepted that I would properly struggle with depression on and off for the rest of my life, but cutting I thought I had got rid off. Then it came back, it all came back.

So this year I have to work on the following

1. My Self Esteem - I come across as a really positive and confident person, but I'm not. I'm now where need these things. I constantly look for reassurance but hate being praised and I hate people giving me compliments. I also don't believe that I deserve happiness, I think that's why I don't tell S or even hint at him how I feel.
2. Friends - I have to stop taking it so personally when friends don't try and make the time to spend time together. I can only do so much before I give up. This Christmas I have decided that I will no longer run around after people like a little lost dog trying to spend time with people who obviously don't want to spend time with me. I give up. If they want to see me they can contact me. I just don't have the energy any more.
3. Mental Health - I will work hard this year to try and get better in the mental health department, I will try and be honest with the psycho team and my support network and deal with the stress' of life in a more constructive way. I have had some sessions with CMHT (community mental health team) and I wasn't exactly truthful with them, not was I truthful with my support network. CMHT asked me if I ever thought any further than cutting (ie ending my life), I told them I didn't. In truth although I would never do it seriously or even attempt it, I did wonder who would notice if I ended my life. Would it be hours, days, weeks or months before anyone noticed that I wasn't around any more. Who would really morn my death? Other than the family? I should have told them this but I just couldn't. But with the Psycho team I will need to tell them things like this so I can get all the help I need.
   
4. Trust - I will try and learn to trust people this year, I need to start taking risks by allowing people through my walls and let people in. I will not be easy and I may not like it to begin with but I have to start letting people in or else I really will walk this world alone.
5. Love - I need to open my heart to love and to let people know if I have feelings for them. I'm not saying what I feel for S is the L word, but I certainly have strong feelings for S and I miss him when he's not around, when he is around my heart beats fast, I get hot and sweaty and I get butterflies in my stomach. L is a word I will not use lightly and need to think a lot about.

So that's what I'm going to try and do for 2008.

Crapola

I tried, I really did. I tried so hard to find the positives in my life. I want to be a positive person, I want to try and enjoy life, I want to not dwell on the shitty things that happen. I want to be normal. I know that life will always have it's ups and downs but I want to enjoy my ups and not worry so about the downs.

I really did try but it wasn't to be. My asthma is playing up, I've scared my flat mates stupid, S looks at me as if he's a rabbit in headlights! I've been stalked again freaking myself out, for no reason as it's all stopped now, I told S more than I should have done about how I'm feeling, and to top it all off my uncle has bowel cancer.

The thing is no-one in my family survives cancer. No One. I reckon he'll be dead within the next 12 months. I want to be positive but the chances of his survival is so slim. He was three children the youngest is 14. My uncle is 60, he also has two older son's in their 30s. A wife that loves him. And there is me. I have my sister who I don't have a relationship, a mother who once gone will mean I have no family. I don't have a partner, I don't have kids. Why couldn't I get it. It's not like I've got anything to loose while my uncle has everything to loose.

It's so unfair. I wish I could talk to someone about how I'm feeling but I can't because I've scared people enough as it is, how can I tell them all of this. How can I tell them that I would take it on if I could. I would die so he can live. I have nothing to live for, he has everything. How can I tell people that?!

I want to be a positive person, I do but how do I do that. Why can't I see the positive in my life, why do I keep finding the shittiness, how can I change the way I think and the way I feel. I don't deserve the life I have!

urg

Regardless how hard I try to stay on top of things.... it just never works out that way. I have worked so hard over the years to deal with my depression, to stop the overdosing and to stop cutting. A few months ago when I found myself almost cutting again I went to the doctors to seek help, I talked to my manager about it. I had taken so many leaps forward and was really impressed and proud of myself for dealing appropriately with all of this.

Now though, only a few months down the line, it's got worse. I've taken so many steps backwards it's weird. I actually did cut myself this time. I didn't even feel it as the blade went it. The blood came but no pain. This time however I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to go the the doctors, I don't want to talk to my manager about it. I don't want to do anything about it. I know, however, deep inside me I know, that I must face and deal with it all but I just can't and I don't want to. I want too pretend none of it happened, but it's hard when there are two marks on your arm showing the world what you've done. Currently I'm hiding them with long sleeves.

Good bye to the old, hello to the new.

It's no secret that I find life hard, I have my ups and I have my downs. A comment happened today and it really got to me, got to me a lot more than it should have.  My mother was asked about being a grandmother.  My mother said it was unlikely that she would ever be a grandmother.  My sister apparently doesn't want kids, and me well it'll be a miricle if I ever get a guy.  It wasn't said like that but it was insinuated.

I want to be a mother, I look forward to the day I become a mother, but there are probelms with this.  When I do be come a mother I want to be married, I want to marry someone I love and I trust.  The problem I am afraid of being in a relationship.  I am afriad of all that goes with the relationship emosionally and physically.  I am 26, I've not been in any sort of relationship since I was 18.  I've never had sex.  I'm so afraid.  I'm afraid of never knowing a male touch, I'm afriad of never knowing love, I'm afraid I will never be a mother but most of all I'm afraid of being close to someone, sharing my life someone, that someone will know me so well that they know what I'm thinking, I'm afraid of change.

I want to be a mother, I want to know love, I want to have sex but I am so afraid of everything that it hinders me, it stops me going out there and meeting people and just living.  It's so stupid I know but I can't help who or what I am.  So what am I to do?  I'm so afriad that I will love so much and then they will leave because I am not good enough for them, because I can not satisfy them, that I can not be what they need.

I almost wrote a letter to santa, not because I believe in him, but because I believe that Christmas is a time of magic, that at Christmas anything can happen, so I almost wrote a letter to santa saying that next year all I wanted for Christmas 2007 is to find love, to loose all my inhibitions and to find someone I wanted to spend my life with, even if marriage never happened, I wanted to loose my inhibitions and my fear.  I wrote it but tore it up.  How dumb is that! To write a letter for something that can only happen if I actually do something about it.  I know that nothing in this world get's handed to you on a plate.  If you want something you have to go out and get it.  It will never just be given to you as Hollywood like to try and make us believe!  Things will only change when I make them change.

So here's to 2007 and things changing!

I know I don't post here often, 
but then again I feel most of the time 
I don't need to post here. 
On the whole I can post on my normal blog 
and everything is fine, 
but for some reason I can't post everything 
I want to post on that blog. 
I think it's because I've let too many people who 
*know* me know of this blog, 
and I can't post what I want to post there.

As a result this blog has tended to be very negative, 
and I'm afraid it ain't ever going to change. 
I like having this blog here to get rid of all my negative feelings. 
If you feel you can't read something  negative, 
tough luck.  
It ain't going to change.

My life has it's ups and downs, they all do I know that, I've excepted that.  
But because I've been depressed I tend to take things too seriously and too personally.  
I know I do but it still doesn't stop one from  feeling like crap when things go wrong.

For instance at the moment I just feel as though the world is going on around me and 
I'm looking in at the window wishing I was there.  
No matter how hard I try to get in and be apart of if, I just break the window and another window comes up in it's place and there I am again wishing I was part of the world I am looking in on through the window.  

I know I shouldn't complain.  
I do have a life, of sorts, granted 80% is based on the net through my role playing,
but I have a life,
I know many people don't have anything but the TV.  
I have more than that, but that doesn't keep you warm on a night,
can't hold you when you're crying,
can't cheer you up when you're feeling like shit.   
As much as I hate to admit it everyone, 
inclidng myself, 
needs someone, 
someone to hold, 
someone to share their life.  
What is that quote from 'About A Boy'?... I remember.... 'No man is an island'.   

It's true, and I hate it.  
No man is an island,
everyone needs something,
but how can you have something when something comes and fucks it up.  
I can't keep going like this, it's driving me nuts.  
I want a solid group of friends.    
I want to be apart of the world not looking in on it.  
I don't want to be pushed aside because I have faith,
because I have morals,
because I am single.  
Am I wrong for wanting this?  
Am I wrong to feel that at some point I should be important to some people,
as a friend,
as a human being?

Cutting

God it felt good.

To feel the scissors over my skin, pushing down, feeling the pain going through. Unfortunatly they were to blunt to cut.

I miss it, I crave it, I hate it, it scares me.

Can I really go back there? Is there somewhere I want to be? Can I do that to myself?

Someone please make it okay again.

Update on stuff

My last post was very negative, very honest but still very nagative. My manager adn I did go out for the drink and I talked, and I mean I really talked about what was going on in my head about work and about my co-worker. We really talked, I cried, she cried but we both really appreciated having each other there. Last week I had to finnish the apraisal with my manager's manager, and I have to admit I didn't trust her, but my manager told me that it was okay and I should just talk about everything like we had. So I did, and although I hadn't meant to I did cry. My manager told me later it was probably the best thing I could have done so that her manager could see just how painful working with my co-worker was.

Anyway with such a positive apraisal I have discovered just how much it has taught me about myself. I've said it before but I've never been able to talk about negative feelings, I've never even felt as though I was allowed negative feelings and to do something about it was uncalled for. This had given me the confidence to change things in my life. I feel high on life, adn a natural high. I finally know what it feels like to beat depression. Best of all it's got nothing to do with medication, I did it with my close friends and my faith in God.

I thank God for sending me to this place. I have learnt so much about myself and moving forward. Praise God.

Update

I've never found having depression easy, and people who know me know that I have struggled with it for a very long time. Sometimes I cope with it, but sometimes I don't, and when things get bad, they really get bad. Touch wood I've not self harm for over a year. I'm really impressed by that.

My co-worker is suffereing from depression and he was talking about it so I told him a little about mine. He told me that if I prayed to God that he would take it away from me, he told me thats whta he does and it works. If it works then why is he on meds. But what really made me furious was the fact he indicated to me that it was my fault I was depressed and if I prayed to God about it that I would no longer suffer from depression. That works for him... he's medicated.. I'm not.

I just got so angry at him but never told him so.. i have to work with this jerk. He was making out that I wasn't a believer and it's my fault I suffer. He went out for a bit and I just threw scissors around and threw chairs around. I WAS JUST SO FUCKING ANGRY, it's been a couple of hours and I'm still shaking I'm that angry.

I mean how dare he. I believe that God will help me but he wants me to learn soemthing first, just like a parent who knows that their child has to burn themselves once so that the child understands that fire is bad. Sometimes you have to go through the rough so that you learn and become a better person. This is what I believe God is doing with me. He gives me all the tools to get through it but it's up to me to take those tools and to get myself out of it, he won't just hand me the solution on the plate or else how can I learn and improve myself. I know what God is trying to teach me and what he wants me to do, but I'm too subbon and feel too unconfortable by the challenge he has set. I know that if I took the challange my life will change for the better, but I just can't do that yet... just like a smoker who isn't ready to quite smoking. You have to be ready or you won't get anything out of the challenge only resentment and proberbly end up in a worse state than before.

I'm just not ready to take the challenge God has put in front of me. But he has given me the strength to acknowledge that I do suffer from depression and that I do need help. The rest will come but God knows that I have to be ready, I believe he knows I can do it know, but I have not go the self-confidence to go through with it now, but if I do my self-confidence will grow expenencially. It's a viscious circle I have gotton myself into, God is giving me the tools to get out, I'm just not sure I'm ready to do it yet.

I think part of me enjoys the depression because at least with it I have something. I know that doesn't make sence but it make sense to me.

So how dare my co-worker say I have to faith in God and his power. God gave me free will, God can not force me to take the challenge and improve myself, much like he can't force people to believe in him and follow his path. We are all unique and we all have free will.

I so angry, I still have to work with him this evening and all I want to do is stab him. What the hell I'm I going to do? If I'm up to it I'll try and post this evening about how I managed.
----
A few hours later....
-----
So I spent some time this afternoon praying to God for the strength to cope with my co-worker and that I had the strength to let the anger to go. I got to the cafe first and I honestly felt angry still and really didn't know how I was going to cope and then something amazing happened, I saw my co-worker and all my anger disappeared. Thank you God.
____
My boss and I are going out for coffee after Easter to talk about how the job is making me feel and try and sort things out so that I'm not so unhappy.

I believe that God is trying to tell me that it's okay to talk about feelings, and to have negative feelings. I have to accept that, take it on board, and learn from the challenge he is setting in front of me.

I just don't understand

Lately everything I come accross just seams to piss me off, and I don't understand why. I'm always angry and I can cope until night. Night's always been the hardest part for me though. I want to be able to go to bed relaxed, and not angry and not thinking about....... stuff.

The one thing that stops me doing anything is my mother. I still live with her and I would hate it if she saw what I do to myself. I don't think she would understand. She would just look at me disappointedly and just pretend it's not happening and that I'm just being silly. Which in some way is true, I am being silly but it's taking every bit of self control not to find something to cut myself with. To cut out the anger.

But another part of me (a small part) misses the attention I got when I cut. I always thought that I did it to make myself feel better, not so I get attention, but part of me does miss that. The way people fussed around me, wouldn't leave me alone when I was dangourous. I hated them for it but I do miss it. I hate to admit it but I do.

What I really miss though is the control, and how well I would sleep after I cut. Everything would stop after three or four (sometimes more) cuts. I could sleep, relax and just feel good. Then of course I would wake up and see the results of the night before and hate myself for what I have done to myself.

I supose what I really want, more than anything else in the world is just to stop feeling so angry. Stop getting pissed off at everything. Or if I do get pissed of I wish I knew how to voice it without getting violent or shouting my head of at people. I'm turning into someone I hate and I don't know what I can do about it.

The easiest thing is to deny it, pretend it wasn't happening and that worked for me for a long time. I never cut, never felt angry, I just got depressed, but I wouldn't recognise it in myself and just tried to carry on as normal but didn't do it succesfuly. I was defensive and sometimes just downright unpleasent. Then my friend died. Because he took his own life everything changed. EVERYTHING. How I saw myself, how I saw my faith, how I saw my 'friends', my family. I reassed everything and the more I did the worse I got. That's when the cutting came it. I couldn't cope with the years of crap the lay behind me, and I just couldn't let it go..... in a lot of ways I still can't. I try to let it go, but when it's such a big part of you, part that you ignored for years, you just can't switch it off. I wish there was a button that could stop all of this.

The thing to make it all stop, completely stop I mean, there is only one way. To die. But I don't want to. There is so much in the world for me to see, for me to do, and I'm not ready to give up on all of that, unlike my two friends who commit suicide and my hero. I really don't want death. I really don't. But at the same time I'm have problems getting out of bed in the morning, of smiling, of talking to people, I am turning into a recluse and there is no one to stop me. But how can I live life if I am a recluse from everyone around me. How can life be full and meaningful if all I have is me?

I just wish I can get the bad feelings to stop that I could get up in the morning and just be happy. I know that can't happen 24/7 and honestly I don't want be be happy 24/7 life would be boring. I just have a lot more days were I just want to stay in bed then I do wanting to get out of bed.

I know this isn't making much sense, but then again I'm just typing and letting the thoughts and the words come out of my mind and on to the screen so they won't make much sense but at least this way I have a starting point when I become serious about sorting out my mind and wanting a better life for myself. I have learnt that running away from my problems will not help me in any way in fact they just follow you. The feelings of the past don't go away, and it no longer works to ingnore them, as much as I would want that to happen.

If you have some insight please let me know.

Numb

Runaway Train by Soul Asylum

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same

My job is okay, although a little tedious but that should change next year providing we get the okay on the 24th Dec. My social life is alright. I'm not getting to sleep by crying every night. I don't smoke, but saying that something happened not so long ago that concerned me and now I can't seam to get it out of my mind ad with me finding the song above which I've not heard for years has left me concerned, worried, anxious, unsettled about what is going on in my head.

The lines "IT's just easier than dealing with the pain" "Runaway train never going back , Wrong way on a one way track, Seems like I should be getting somewhere, Somehow I'm neither here no there " and "Run away but it always seams the same" These lyrics have been going over and over in my head add with that the spidode of "Everwood" where a charactor called Colin got frustrated and he cut himself. I found myself missing that. The control, the pain, the cut, the adrenaline, the comfort. I realised I miss all of this, I miss what it offered me.

I really don't know what this all means. I know I've begun to crave the cut and those lyrics are calling to me, so strongly are they calling me. I almost find myself wishing I was back there but I couldn't tell you why. Part of me is scared but there isa larger part of me that is excited by it all. I know what this sounds like, I really do, as I write this I am confused about what I am feeling and why. All I know for sure if that when he cur himself I wanted to be cut and that sond is all I can focus on.

---

I wrote the above last night. I was concerned about what I wrote so I spent some time reflecting on it and I think I finally worked it out. I don't feel. Not really feel. I do all the surface emosion stuff that one needs to do to get through life and to ensure people don't see what is really happening inside, but I haven't felt anything inside for an age. I suppose that's why I want to cut. At least when I do that I feel things. I feel things on the inside.

I have often thought about cutting, just little cuts, not slashing my wrists or anything like that, but to get a piece of glass, or a razor or even a pair of scissors and just to make a little cut, just enough so that it hurts and it bleeds. I've never given in to it, but I do think about it. I try and keep myself busy so that I don't think about it, but like most things, it's the nights that are hard, when you've slowed down to sleep, you're brain starts bringing forward things it wants you to think about. I've started reciting my times tables to help me to sleep, (which is sorta good because I'm finally learning my times table!).

I know how this all sounds but it's not as bad as you may think I promise. I'm not doing anything, I'm not crying, I'm not overdosing, in fact it's the other side of things. I'm not doing anything. I'm just numb.

Blogs

I have two blogs. This is because too many people I know read my other one and I didn't feel I could write on it any more, well write about issues that were annoying me, so I created this one.

The thing is my life took a turn for the better, as a result having this second site annoys me. I don't have enough material for the two, so I'm going to let this one slide until things get bad again and I need to write things that my other blog can not handle, this many never happen.

So if you would like a link to my other blog please leave your email in my comments box. As soon as I recieve it I will delete it and send you the link to the other sight.

I will not be posting so much on this site.

Yet another dream

I had another one of my dreams last night. It felt so real. It's insane how I want this to happen to me. This can not be normal.

I can still feel and remember the entire thing in detail. These dreams are dreams that I alway's remember in detail. Other dreams fade, but not these. These dreams awake something up inside of me. Make me feel real. Isn't it insane the way that for me to feel real I have to dream, be alseep. That is not normal at all. I know that, we all know that. But I can't help the way I feel.

Germany was bad. It didn't do much for me. I became really depressed at one point, and thought about cutting myself. In fact the only thing that stopped me was my inability to find something to cut myself with. I cried and cried. I couldn't cope. I had to spend one day locked in my room crying and sleeping to feel even slightly better. Then I drank myself to sleep. I have to find a better way of dealing with these feelings.

I also have some other news, but that needs to wait unti next week. I promised I would tell people until I have told one special person. One I've told them I will blab it all to the world.

Update

Things are going okay. My parish priest has gone away for a while and hopfully this will mean that my mother will relax a wee bit and will manage to climb the ever increasing mountain of paper work that appears on her desk. With the priest being so ill, mam has found it hard to get any work done, he wants things read to him (since his eye sight is shot), he wants the know what's going on so Mam keeps running up and down the stairs doing what ever it is he needs, but this means that the mountain is not being scaled.

She came home last night, she managed to finish to files. She only has another 10 to go!

I'm sitting in my office, desperately trying to get my report written but I have no enegy to do it whatsoever. I just want to sleep, relax and find out what the hell is wrong with my computer. Currently I am at work typing this, procrastinating from my report.

Never mind, having my legs waxes later on today, and next thursday I fly out to Germany for World Youth Day for 12 days. Life's not all bad, at times.

I've had one hell of a week

I have to appoligise for the state of this post, but I have had almost half a bottle of wine on an empty stomach.

Before you read on there are two facts you need to know:
1. I have been taking St. John's wart for te past couple of days
2. You shouldn't drink while on this stuff.
Appoligise here and now in advance, I'm going to regret this in the moringl.

OUr parish priest was taken ill into hospital at the beginning of this week. He is in his late 60s, he's doing a highly stressful job (he's not just a parish priest), yesterday we discovered he has indeed had a stroke, but this afternoon he was allowed home. This doesn't supprise me, he doesn't like NHS hospital, so as soon as he could he came home. He can't see to well, it seams to be the only think that this stroke has affected, his sight I mean.

So he was at home this evening. While he was in hospital I didn't push to see him, although every part of me was aching too. Now he was home I almost demanded I see him. It's not like he's an aquaintance to the family. He is a family member to me, an uncle, a grandfather, a father. It's really hard to explain my relationship with him, but needless to say he is a close family member. So he is now home and I went to see him. He looks so well, better than he has looked in quite a while. The only thing is he can't see too well. If you want to him to see anything you have to place it in front of him, even then it's not in focus. So we were sitting around the table and the wine was open. I don't drink wine, but on this occation I thought I would. I liked this wine so I drank half a bottle. I haven't eaten since lunch (even then it wasn't a great lunch, Crisps and a bakewell tart). Add to that the St John's wart the wine has gone to my head.

I am glad too see him. Everything is still in the air but I feel more positive for the future, this doesn't not mean however that I will stop taking St. John's wart (what a name for an anti depressant).

In a way I'm glad I was confortable to start taking the St. John's again, but a bigger part of me is heart broken that I wasn't strong enough to cope with what's been going on by myself. I alway's seam to have to turn to the medication to cope with anything. This sucks because it proves that I am not strong, if fact I am a wimp. Can't deal with anything life throws at me. It really does suck.

Usually I won't touch alchohl but I felt I needed it after the week I've had, I just couldn't cope without it any more, which of cause has made me feel worse, espcially since I have st. John's in my system. Why can't I be stronger? No one else had to to take anything to cope, but I do. I'm just a waste of space. Nothing I do is right, nothing I plan works right. I hate it.

All I want to do with my life is be a Catholic Youth Worker within a parish. It's not a major request but God keeps testing my faith, and I'm not sure I'm going to past this one. I've gone through a lot with my faith over the year, trusting that God knows better, that I am doing the right thing. I have questioned God's way, I have got angry at him, I have HATED him, but I've alway's gone back. How many more times must I go through these tests until he is done with me?

When is it my turn to feel contented?

When is it my turn to feel happy with my life?

There are times I really dispise being me?

Old Aquaintances

Once again my past came and haunted me. There was a girl there who I used to go to school with. She was a year younger than me. Now we got on very well, but she alway's had this 'holyer than thou' complex about her. I don't think she meant anything by it, but her mother was always the same. I think part of it was that this girl came from a well to do background, private schooling, only child and had two parents. While I on the other hand was single parent, state school and we were brought up on benefits. She always had an air about her, looking down her nose at us. I really don't think she even knows she does it. All the same though, it bugged me, but I didn't want to rock the boat, in those day's having anyone being nice to me, I accepted. Regardless of the strings attached, I was just happy that someone was being nice.

Tonight I went for a reading of a play that I'm hoping to be apart of. Which was a lot of fun and there is a number of parts I'll happily go for. This girl was there. Once again she looked down her nose at me. She really was quite condesending, on a number of occations. I was civil, but these day's it doesn't matter if she's my friend or not, all I need to do is be civil. And I was. Why do these people have to come back and haunt me, bring up old memories I don't need to rememeber. LIfe really can suck at times.

Update

I've had problems sleeping over the past week or so, not because I'm awake but because I was fretting over the test results. It really doesn't bother me what ever would be wrong, weather it's my kidneys, liver, thyroid or iron levels. None of it bothered me, I knew I could deal with it. What made me frett was the fact if it was my liver or my kidney, chances were I caused the damage with all the times I OD back at college. If it was indeed my fault, I would then have to admit to my mother what I had done. I have never, ever told her about the ODing, although I had told her about the cutting. I couldn't cope telling her about the ODing, the suicide attempts etc. I couldn't bare to see that look of disappointment on her face.

So my bloods came back, everythings normal, there is nothing wrong. They are still awaiting one more test result. I have to phone up tomorrow to find out if it's back. If that shows nothing wrong, I wonder what they'll do next. I really can't cope with being tired like this for much longer.

Cancer

I have had these marks on my breast area for some time, and a few months ago I went to the doctor to have them sussed out. I was scared they were cancer. She didn't know what they were and told me to go without a bra as often as I can. So I did. Over the last month two of these marks have changed colour and shape. I got a wee bit concerned all over again. So I went to the doctors this morning. He told me they were warts. Nothing to worry about and that eventually my body would get rid of them naturally.

The thing is when I was depressed, I couldn't kill myself. I just didn't have the guts. So instead I prayed for Cancer. No one in my family (on either side) has ever survived this disease, so I thought this would be a great way out. It would look like I'm fighting, but really I would die. These day's, although I still have bad days, I don't want life to end. When I thought I had skin cancer I was scared, I was scared that my prayers (of old) had been answered. I really don't want to die. I want to live. Yes, I wish my life was different, and that I was more content with my life but these are areas I can work on. I pray each day that I can be content and that God will show me what I need to do, and I pray that I can place myself in God's hands and his plans for me, and I pray that I have the courage to go through with what he's asking of me. I don't want to die, and I certainly don't want cancer.

I have to have blood tests anyway because I can't seam to wake up lately. Anytime night or day, I could happily fall asleep so the doctors are checking my blood and urine to see if my thyroid, kidney and liver are all working correctly. I have the blood taken next week, then it's five working days for the results. In the meantime I have to struggle to stay awake. I really don't think I can cope if there is something really wrong with them. It would be my own fault from all the ODing I did at uni. I really would have no one to blame but myself. What have I done?

Self-Esteem

Self esteem is a funny old thing. At the weekend our music group played at a very special mass, it was the first holy communion mass. So many people can up to me saying how fantastic the music was, how much they enjoyed it, how it was really suitable for the day. I was happy, embaressed by happy. I felt so high I felt I could fly. I was really glad it was enjoyed by all. Then it happened, One person, just One person made a comment about how they wanted to have the traditional hymns. Because of one persons comments I can crashing down to earth, and felt like I had failed. In essence that one persons comments should not affect how I feel about how everything went, because 99% of the people enjoyed the music, and believed it all fell into place nicely, and that it was appropriate. Because of one person comments I felt like shit. Because of one person I felt like I had failed. Because of one person I wanted to cry. It really shouldn't bother me but it does. I have low self esteem at the best of times, so when I feel good about myself I would really rather not have any negative comments said, because I take them to heart, and it's always those I remember.

I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I could only remember what the postive comments were, but I forget those so quickly, that all I have are the negative comments. Everytime I try and do something all those negative comments come back to haunt me, I hear them every time. I wish I could change.

I'm at a loss

I feel so alone in the world. Granted it's my fault, I'm the one who's fucked, I'm the one who's afraid of getting too close to people, who keeps backing away but equally people let me. I've mentioned this before but I am afraid of change, I'm afraid of new situations. It so my own fault I've become a loaner because my fear of new situation is cippling me. I love going to the cinema with people I already know, but when I get invited to parties etc. I back away instantly. Especially if I think alchohol is involved. I hate drunk people, and I hate being around alchohol, but that's a whole other story.

I'm in a job, I am failing at, and really am not enjoying, but can't find anyother work I want except voluntary work, which is tres annoying. I'm lonely. I'm miserably and I feel as though I'm about to explode. As most depressives would proberbly tell you it's the night times that are the worst. That's when I become really anti-me. I want to cry, but I'm to numb to. I want to scream, but nothing comes out. It's almost as if I'm feeling every negative emosion under the sun but I can't do anything about it. I'm just at a loss of what I should do. I have no safe place to let these feelings go, instead I'm doing the worse thing I can. I'm hiding them all from those around me and carring them around with me, every single day.

I'm at a loss.

Updating

I have to admit that things just don't seam to be getting better, but on the other hand things are not getting worse so that's something to hold on to. The weather at the moment is so erratic it's unreal. Within one hour almost you'll have torrenting rain, brilliant sunshine, strong winds and calm breezes. Even the temperature isn't constant. I am currently wearing a string top along with a full lenght cardy, and jeans. But also in my office I have a nice BIG warm jumper, because I keep going through insane temperature changes. Anyway that's beside the by, this weather is not helping my mood much.

I'm going out tonight so hopfully this will help my mood. It's also Friday tomorrow which means the weekend is almost upon us and I can do things on my computer which I have attempted to do all week but have failed to do because I've either been in meetings or I'm so tired I fall sleep.

My life's just great.

Up and Down

Today for the first time in what feels like forever the sun has come out. The sky has become blue, a few white clouds out, a true spring day. There's still a slight chill in the air though. Not really supprising as we had snow over there weekend, yes you read that right my dear readers, snow.. in April.

I always pick up when the sun is shining. The more the sun shines, the hotter the weather the happier I am, and the more energy I have. The problem is although it is nice to have the sun and it is sorta making me feel better I still hate the world and all that is in it. I still hate myself and what I have become. I wish I could feel better about myself but this isn't going to happen anytime soon, if it happens at all.

I'm 25 this year and I have accouplished very little with my life. I always thought I would be a mother perhaps a wife at this age, instead I've only just graduated uni, failed at her first job, single and nowhere near being a mother. And I'm still living with my mother. I love her, but I want my own space.

It's like a visious circle and I can't get out of it. The one saving grace though is the fact that I'm not cotemplating suicide or cutting myself, although every now and then I'll take a few pills just to numb the pain, but not enough to do anything major. At most I'll just bruise majorly if I walk into anything.

I have to get out of this depressing rut but I don't know how to, and I certainly don't want to become dependant upon medication to live my life. When people realise you're on meds for mental health everything changes. They treat you differently, they look at you differently. Maybe it's just me being parinoid but I can't deal with any of that.

That's why I've never told my mother the full truth about what I've been through. All she knows is that in the past I have suffered from depression and have been known to cut myself, but that's all she knows and all she'll ever know. She was so disappointed in my when I told her about the depression, I could hear it in her voice, and then she started to treat me differently. I couldn't stand it. So since then I've delt with it my way.

That is why I started this blog up. My other one too many people knew me in real life for me to be honest about my feelings. Even a family memeber found out about it, my fault, but still I decided then that I couldn't continue being honest on that blog, so it's lost it's allure somehow. I still post but it's not the same. This one is my blog, no one in my life knows about it, baring a few online friends.

Isn't it strange how much easier it is to write down your feels and post them on the net than it is to tell someone face to face.

I hate....

I hate this. I want to cry all the time. If I stop the noise for one moment, my eyes well up, and I can feel myself on the verge of crying hysterically. I think if I start crying now I won't ever stop. I think I would have a break down and that I would end up instratutionallised. That's the last thing I want. I've been threatened with sectioning once before. I don't want to do there again.

I know this is the point were I'm meant to be taking the pills to help me, but I don't want to go back on those pills. I don't want to feel as though I've failed again. I've had too much failer in my life. I don't want more.

I'm so afraid that someone will ask me how I'm doing and I'll let it all out. I will cry none stop. The thing is I can't even tell you why I want to cry, all I know is that's all I want. I think about what it'll be like if I ended up in a coma for a while, escape it all. Have a chance to decided if I live or die.

Why can't I just be normal. I'm fed up of taking meds for this, meds for that. I'm fed up with my diet, with never being able to lose weight. I hate the fact I'm still living with my mother, I hate the fact I'm 25 this year. I hate the fact I'm single but too scared of trying to find a realationship. I hate the fact that I hate life. I hate the fact that the only time I'm even vaguly happy is when I'm asleep and lucid dreaming. I haven't dreamt in weeks, not since my dream of JB. I hate the fact I can't smile and mean it. At the moment I only smile because people smile at me, because people expect me to be happy. I don't want to smile, I don't feel like smiling, I just feel like crying and crawling into a hole and staying there for a while. I don't want to cope with the outside world, and yet I crave the outside world.

I hate the fact I'm lonely but too scared to start new activities to met new people. I am so patheitic, and I hate it. I hate everything I touch, I hate everything I do and I hate the person who looks at me in the mirror.

"Everyday I fight a war against a mirror, I can’t take the person staring back at me, I’m a hazard to myself. Don’t let me get me, I’m own worst enemy. Better than you to know yourself. So irritating, don’t want to be my friend no more, I want to be somebody else......So doctor, doctor won’t you please prescribe me something, a day in the life of someone else, I’m a hazard to myself.......So irritating, don’t want to be my friend no more, I want to be somebody else" Don't let me get me: Pink

Urg!

It's all gone to shit. I handed in my report, people looked at it and it went down like a lead balloon. I tried so hard at it, but like all things acedemic/written I suck at it. I knew I shouldn't have undertaken this report, but I decided that I should take it so that I can prove to myself that I'm not a failer. I've only added to that feeling.

I've been given another six months to allow this project to grow and become what it should be, but I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure I want to do this. I want to quit so badly, but I want a job. I don't think I can quit doing this report until I have another job. Although at the moment I have not signed a new contract, I could technically leave if I wanted to.

The more I sit here looking at what I need to do, the more I begin to think about weather I want to do the report or want the job waiting at the end. I really don't know. I'm not sure what the thinking behind the report is, weather the end result is wanted within the community or weather it's just what the big man wants.

There are so many hurdles to jump, and I'm not sure I'm stong enough to jump them, with or without support. I had just started to build my self confidence up when this happened, and it's gone back down to nothing. I've already been taking the pills to numb the pain, to help me to sleep, which of course makes it hard to function the next day. I'm also thinking about cutting again, although the only thing that stops me is the fact that I can't hide the marks like I could when I was at uni. If I went into hiding here, people would notice. At uni no one noticed.

I'm not sure what the outcome of all of this will be. As soon as I know I'll let you know.

Creative Writing

A few weeks back I started to write a peice of fiction. At the moment I've called it the escape. I'm still working on it as this peice wanted to be handwritten, I've got to type it up and add more to it. But here is a small extract.

---

Scene setting: Suzi's a bitch. Mandy feels picked on

I've had it now. I pick up one of the mugs I've just placed on the table nad throw it at her. It only just misses. She drops her phone out of shock. It breaks. I smirk.
"Calm down Mandy. Let's talk about his" There is a hint of fear in her voice. I'veoften been told that when I'm angry, I'm the scariest thing on the planet, I'm like a wild animal. Uncontrolable.
"Calm Suzi, I'm perfectly calm." I say in a quiet, steady voice. I start walking towards her, she matches my steps as she moves back. Eventually she his the wall. We stand like that not moving for a while. No other movements or sounds can be heard. Finally I turn my back.
"If you've quiet finnished" Suzi exclaims "Get back to work" I stop walking, my back still facing her. I look ahead of me, there is quite a crownd including Phil, Sean and worst of all Pete, standing out as always with his balck curly hair. I stand there staring at him, making eye contact. he's shaking his head, arms folded.
"She's not worth it Mandy. Are you really going to jepidise everything you've accomplished, because of her." I just stand there. Thinking. Trying to calm down. I take more deep breaths. IT's not working. I feel the anger and the hurt bubble up inside me. I run my fingres through my hair. I rub my face. Breathing slowly and deeply. Pete takes a step forward. I try to calm down. Pete smiles.
"That's my girls" Slowly I walk towards him.
"You're such a brat" I hear from behing me. I spin around on the spot.
"Suzi, shut the fuck up!" Pete says slowly and sternly. Fear immediatly over rkaes Suzi's entire body. "Mandy look at me"
"Yes, Mandy look at Pete" I flip out, I run towards Mandy, pinning her up against the wall, my arm under her neck.
"Everyone back to their rooms NOW" Boomed Pete
"Do you know what Suzi, you're the brat. I'd feel sorry for your new co-workers but I can't. Do you know why?" Suzi shock her head "Because we get rid of you. You have no idea what this job entails. I could do a better job using just my left pinky nail!" Suzi opens her mouth to retaliate
"Don't Suzi" Pete warns. She closes her mouth. I turn around. Pete's close. There is a look of disappointment in his eyse. I puch Suzi to the ground.
"Get lost bitch" I scream. She squels and runs off like the dog that she is. I start to laugh hysterically, Pete moves towards me, by the time he gets to me, I'm crouching on the floor in tears.
"What have I done?" I sob
"You've put the fear of god into someone who deserced it." I start to calm down. I look in to his eyes. They say it all. I'm screwed.
"I have to stay don't I?" he nodds.
"Come on let's go." We walk towards my room, through the court yard,
"She's a psyco, she could have killed me." Suzi's voice boomed out of an open window. I clench my ffish. Pete can see me tense up. he takes my hands. He see's the state of my knuckles.
"Mandy when did this happen" Something in me snaos. I push him away and start to run. Destroying everything in sght. If it could be thrown, I threw it at hims, screaming as I go.
"She did this, I was fine unti lher. Now she's screwed me over, I'm the one being punished. Today was my day. I've worked so hard." I stop as I come to the front dooes. Iv'e not been out of those dooes for Five years. If I go out of those soors, I've really shot myself in the foot. I turn to face Pete. He had a cut on his arm and above his eye.
"Oh God Pete, I'm so sorry."
"I know you are. You can't help it. Let's go back to your room and talk abotu it. Perhaps your day will be next weeks."
"What about Suzi?"
"She won't be here by the end of the day"
"But... But... these feelings..." I struggle for breath. I struggle to see. SHe'll lose her job. She maybe a bitch but she still has a family to support. I rub my forehead, deperstly trying to think. I know I should go with pete, but I need to run.
"I'm sorry Pete."
"No Mandy don't"
I turn and run out the door.

---

Let me know what you think? If you like this try others I've written here.

JB

When Jonathan Brandis died back in 2003, I was deeply, deeply affect. It was something I could never explain. I just was.

Last night I had a dream about him. I remember it so vividly. I remember his smell, his touch, his voice, his eyes, even now as I remember the dream and write it here I smile. I wish I could say it was a happy dream, but it wasn't. I found him hanging. By a tree near a waterfall. I climbed that tree, cut him doen thus saving him. We sat there and talked. We talked about how he felt, how many times he's tried something like this before. The number he came out with supprised me a great deal. He took my hand and we walked, then he grabbed my other arm and carried me on his back. I can still fill his arms, his breathing, feel his breathing underneath me. I smiled, and I could feel him smile. We sat on the bonnet of my car "Wolenczak", which he commented on and thought it was great. I told him that he needed talk to me when he felt like this, he said he would from now on, providing I did. Then I said it. "How can I when your dead." At that moment I knew I was dreaming but I didn't want to wake up, so I stayed there. Turning this dream into a lucid dream. I put my face in his cupped hands and said "You make me as real as you need me to be. Just like you always have." "I can't now though, not now you're dead." I cry. "Don't cry. " he smiled. "As long as you need me I will be here." We hug then. We sit there for an age like this watching the sunset over the waterfall. I don't want to wake up. I tell him that. He tells me that I have to and it's okay because he's always there with me.

It's one of the nicest yet horrific dream I've ever had. I still don't know what to make of it.

Body update

I am feeling better. I spent the entire weekend in bed, having many, many hot baths. Hot lemony drinks, ODing on vitimin and mineral tablets. Eating so much fruit it was un heard off.

Unfortunalty though I did not manage to go up to see my sister. Apparently all the approriate "aww" "hope she feels better soon" was made and then they went out to lunch.

I'm having half day at work today, and seeing if I feel up to going into London later on today.

We have snow here today, which is not fantastic me, especially since my immune system is down anyway, the chances of me getting the flu again, or a cold or worse still a chest infection are significantly increased. We'll have to see. The next few days should be interesting.

In the meantime I must get back to work and finish off this report or else I'm never going to get a job.

Flu

I appoligise that I've not posted sooner, but I have had flu. I'm awake for an hour then sleep three. The worse part is that I'm meant to be visiting my sister today. But I really don't think I'm up to it.

As soon as I'm awake for more than an hour, I will post, I promise.

What is wrong with me?

Before I get started can I just say how disppointed I am in the 25 songs. Only one person had a go. Gee, usless the lot of ya!

So a couple months back I wrote this. I still can't being myself to tell you all what it is I want to bad, but I promise you it is not self-harming. It's not taking my own life. I found a website that was dedicated to images of what I want happening to me. Through those images I could imagine me in that place.

I am a real freak for wanting this so bad. But when it's a feeling that takes over your whole body, that you want it so badly that you ache, surely it can't be wrong to want something like this.

It would be so much easier to tell you all what this thing is, but I can't. I've never told anyone. I've written short stories about it, I've dreamt about it, but I have never actually told anyone about my secret desire. It's not sexual, it's just something I want. Something I need to have happen to me.

God, I'm such a freak! Part of me wants this desire to go away, while the main part of me just wants it to grow and for it to happen. I wish, almost on a daily basis, that it could happen to me. What is wrong with me?

Last Weekend

Was absoluly frelling brilliant!

The retreat was a complete sucess. People want more. I'm hoping for our second retreat in six months, give or take.

The guy I got stressed out over, didn't come. I have never prayed so hard, or been so thankful for anything in my entire life. I keep thanking God for this guy not coming. Although I'm sure God wants him to come back to church, I just couldn't cope.

But I'm still buzzing from the retreat. Now I have lots of work to do. If I can hand in my report over the next week or so, the sooner I know if we're getting a youth worker and if it's me.

Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing.

There I've posted. Will try and post more over the coming months.

Damn it!

When I was still at school, I used to have some fun with the boys, teasing them, play fighting etc on the way to school. One fateful day, Guy 1 had a magazine with a plastic cover which Guy 2 nicked and put down my back. I retrieved it from my back and put it down Guy 2 back. Guy 3 then grabbed my arm, while still down guy 2 back. I asked him to let go as he was hurting me. Instead he squeezed harder. So I asked him again, nicely, again he squeezed harder. I asked a third time, not so nicely (I think my exact words were "You're hurting me now get the fuck off"), guy 2 is uncomfortable at this point, as my arm is still down his back.

I became scared at this point because of the look in guy 3 eyes. He snapped. So I went to hit him to get him off me. UInfortunatly I forgot I had a bottle of coke in my hand and hit him round the head with that. I admit at that point I did wrong. I should have dropped the bottle, I shouldn't have hit him.

He jumped out of his seat, I cowered in the corner as he thumped me repeatedly on my arm. Then I snaped, I kicked him in the groin, screaming at him that no man was going to have that power over me, and he should just fuck off.

As you can imagin I wasn't a happy bunny, and still had to go to school with Guy 3.

So why am I telling you this, almost 6 years later. I'm running a retreat on Saturday, and there is a rummor that Guy 3 will be showing up. If he shows up I am not going to be able to cope. Which means he will win. I don't want him to win, I do not want him to have that power over me, but at the same time, I can't deal with him, I don't want to talk to him, hell I don't even want to see him. I know how uncatholic this is of me, but I don't want him to come.

He would ruin the day for me, and for those around him. He doesn't believe, always trying to tear everything apart, and is only coming because his mother is a nutcase and really putting pressure on him to attend.

I cried last night because I don't want to see him. I cried because he has this power over me. I am terrified. I don't want to see him. What the feck am I going to do if he shows up!

Dress size

A friend got me thinking about dress size. So here's my rant and outlook on it.

I used to be a UK dress size of 22, proberbly closer to 23. This is BIG. I hated school and hid in chocolate, hence the massive weight gain. Up until that point I was a fairly small lass, as I was hyper active so gaining weight was hard for me. Keeping it off was easy. The secondary school happened. I hated it and ate.

The more I ate, the more weight I put on. The more weight I put on the more miserable I was, the more I ate. The more I ate.... you get the point. So I ballooned.

Trying to buy clothes in the mid 90's when you're that big and a teenager was a nightmare. They were either frumpy and old looking or they were maternity clothing. Either way they didn't look good. I did once find some stylish clothes for the "outsized" women, as we were called. Price tag £90+ per garment. I couldn't pay that sort of money for clothes, even if I could afford it, I refuse to fork out that sort of money on one item of clothing.

Just before my 18th birthday I became really ill. I couldn't eat. I was in constant pain. I kept being sick. In a month I went from a dress size 22 down to a 16. It was the best part of a year before I could eat properly.

Since then I have been ballooning out between 14 & 16, also depends what shops I go into to what size I ware.

Today in 2005, "Outsized" women are beginning to find stylish clothes at affordable prices. Which I feel is a fantastic step forward. But most shops do not tend to stock clothes that are for those over size 16, supposesly. I went into a shop picked up a 14. To small. Picked up a 16 and there is no way in God's Green Earth that I was going to fit in that garment. I had lost weight, and was looking to buy smaller clothes. I left the shop as they only went up to a 16. They refuse to stock anything larger. I reckon there 16 was only a 12 though.

Why can't a 16 be a 16 regardless what shop you walk in to?

I read somewhere than the average size of women in the UK is 16. I did on of those IBM things, and my opimum weight is 9.5 stone. I currently weight 10.5 Stone. I only need to lose a stone, but even then I still won't get down to a 12, which is what most clothing stores cater for. If I decided that I wanted to be a size 12 I would be underweight and I would look shocking because I do have big bones. My wrist bone is bigger than my mothers or my sisters and they are both size 12s. There is no way I will ever be a size 12 and healthy. Remember how Geri Halliwell looked when she became ridiculously thin. I do and she looked ill. She did not look health. Well that's how I would look should I ever decided to become that thin.

But the facts remain. If you are a 14-16 or bigger you are made to feel fat by society which is unfair. I am happy with my weight. (Of course I want the smaller bum, thighs and stomach but I think most people want that), but considering how big I used to be, I'm happy with my weight. There are many people around me who are not happy and want me to lose weight, you here the comments and the glares as you past people.

I am not fat. I'm only a stone heavier than my IBM, although who decides what's good and what's bad?! There was a woman who has big, but she ran the London Marathon and was healthier than many around her. Thin is not always beautiful or healthy.

Relationships

I've had a lot of people ask me lately if I'm ever going to settle down. I mean I'm 24. I don't feel ready to settle down, not with a partner anyway. The problem comes though is that I've not dated since I was 18. Everytime I feel I'm getting to close to someone I back off.

I have done a lot of reflection about this. I am afraid of relationships. I can not keep friendships. I get myself worked up and ill at just the thought of being in a realtionship. I don't think it helps that i've never beded a guy. I'm very nervous at the thought of sex. I don't think I've afraid of it, I've never wanted it, and never felt as though I'm missing out by not having sex. But it is a big part of my fear of relationships. That and men. I've never had a male role model. I hate having a man in the house, espcially over night. If I ever settle down I feel sorry for the poor guy.

In the meantime what am I to do? I want a baby, that much I do know, that and I don't want to bring my child(ren) up by myself. So what do I do?

2005

"Ready Or Not, Here it Come, You Can't Hide
It's gonna Find You and Take you Slowly
Ready Or Not, Here it Come, You Can't Hide
Gonna Find You and Make you want it."

Well it's that time of year again, are you ready to face yet another year. Will this year be any different from the last? Can next year really get any worse? Will dreams become reality?

No one knows the answers to these questions, only God and Destiny. I only hope that 2005 works out better than the years preceding.

Please remember to act responsibly tonight. Alchohol is not worth it!

What if....

As a child Christmas is special. It's the most fantastic time of year. A time when anything could happen. All wishes come true. There is even something in the air. You truely believe that on Christmas eve, nothing can go wrong. Everything is special.

This magic is only increased as you watch those christmas films, where very special things happen. There is one such film called "The Christmas List" with Mimi Rodgers. A very typical type of Christmas film where you are lead to believe that anything can happen, because it's Christmas.

Of course, as you grow older, this illusion is shattered, and you realise that Christmas is just another day. To quote Dreamcater "SSDD". Christmas just becomes an annoying time of year, where you are expected to be nice to everyone, even if they aren't to you. Get cards for people, that you haven't even thought about in a year. And feel bad because you've recieved a gift/card from someone you have not got anything for. It's an awful time of year.

But what if.... What if Christmas could be special if you just believed. If you just wrote a letter to Santa, sent it off, if you truely believed. What if you could be happy at Christmas? What if Christmas could grant your wishes, all you have to do is believe? I would do anything to become that believeing child again, to ask for something, knowing it would come.

Wouldn't it be worth it, to have your dreams come true?

Merry Christmas

To all those who have been reading, or have read, and perhaps won't ever come back.

I hope you have a merry christmas and a happy new year. I don't blog here often, but hopefully in the new year I will blog more, and it'll be more up beat. Who knows.....

Merry Christmas.

WTF

There is something I want to happen to me, the problem is that I know it's wrong. but I think about it day and night, I can almost feel it. I want it to happen so much that I hurt. I feel the need within in every bone in my body, my soul yearns for it. I pray day after day for it to happen, but it never comes. I dream about it, visualise it in my mine, but it is never to be. It is wrong that I feel this way. It is not normal to have this feeling, but I do. I feel that my life is incomplete and I don't think This event will make my life any richer, but I want it. Every night I pray that it can happen to me, but I know it will never be. Regardless how much I wish or pray or positive mojo towards it. It will never happen. I want to feel and expressed this event, but it will never be. I must forget this dream and move on with my life. I want that pain though, I want the terror. What will it take for this event to happen to me? What will I have to sacrifice for it to happen to me.

I even dreamed about it last night. I could feel it all happen to me. Although I was terrified, I loved every second of it. I could physically feel it all happen to me. Which of course, has made me want it all the more. I have to get over this feeling. I've lived with this feeling for years, I'm not sure I could give it up even if I wanted to.

illness

I have this illness called Asthma, and although I try very hard for it not to rule my life. It does. I'm kidding myself if I say it doesn't. I fight very hard for it not to rule my life but if does.

I hate asthma. The other day I went to the cinema to see a film, just over two and a half hours long, towards the end though I really had to pee. As I walked out the cinema I cought someone's perfume, and started wheezing, along with the air conditioning they put in cinemas (why put in on in the middle of winter... it's beyond me!) I had a full blown attack. I had to walk back into the screen so I could find my bag with my inhaler in, and then had to walk out, past perfume lady, and find somewhere to take my inhaler. At this point the other screens where coming out, so I felt like a plonker. A realy plonker!

I hate asthma. I have to be so carful, make sure I carry around all three inhalers, make sure I don't get cold and wet, or if I do I don't stay that way long, incase I get a chest infection. A few years ago, I had a really bad attack, couldn't find my inhalers and as a result, I died. I remember the whole experience. I was looking down at myself on the floor, while the other three around me tried to get me to hand on until the ambulence arrived. Needless to say, I've survived, unless of course I'm a ghost!

I would do anything not to have asthma.