I'm back!

Sometimes
I feel like going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

In the Shadows by The Rasmus 

I am not in a good place right now.  I don't know what's going on in my head, I wish I could just scratch the surface because I swear if I could do that then I'd be able to sort myself out... although I wonder if I would.  I talk about the fact I'm on the edge, I know the crash is coming, I can feel it within me trying to push its way out.  I try and tell myself that it won't come and that it will only come if I talk about it or admit to it.

It's coming. Although I'm not crying right now I have had tears falling most of the night.  I can't imagine how I'm going to be at work tomorrow.  Part of me tells me I'm tired and that's all it is, the logical part of me says it's not because I've been sleeping well this week and there is no way I can be tired.

I want my razor.  I want to feel it slice through my skin.  I want that comfort.  I want to know that somehow I can find comfort.  Comfort from what I don't know.  I know that this has been coming for a while.  I know I should have planned for it.  But I haven't and now I'm alone apart from my blog.   I wish I wasn't living with Mam, then I could cry, I could get high, I could cut, I could go for my midnight walks.  I just don't want to be here where Mam could find me, could see the tears.  She would ask what's wrong.  I have absolutely no idea what is wrong.

That's bollocks I know what's wrong.  I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.  Just as I have to take medication to keep my asthma under control, I have to do the same with the depression.  I spent a session with a client talking about depression and the fact in many ways its no different that asthma or diabetes.  I know this, but the thought of going back to the doctors and asking for pills is just too much.  I know that this is the time I need to fight it, I know this, I honestly do.  I just can't. I really just can't.  I have a job I love, that I never want to loose, I have a new niece or nephew on the way, I have an amazing family who love me... I have things to fight for.

I just can't.  How do I find the energy for something that almost killed me last time (and still surprised it didn't).

Help me find the Vulcan me.

"I'll keep you my dirty little secret

Dirty Little Secret

Don't tell anyone or 

you'll be just another regret

Just another regret

Hope that you can keep it

My dirty little secret

Who has to know?"

Dirty Little Secret: The All American Rejects

Long term readers of my blog (either this one or blog-city) will know that emotions are a complete mystery to me and it's only in the past few years that I have taken that step to discover what they are and how they inpact my life.

I thought I was beginning to make sense of them and then G came into my life.  He's a new member of staff and I must admit, here in the safety of the anonymous blog, that he is cute and if I could I'd go for him.  However he is married with two children so he is off limits.  I'm fine with this. I really am.  Until he starts flirting with me.  Touching me in little ways, teasing me, staring at me.

The other day we were playing in the snow with our students and he rugby tackled me into the snow and sat on me stopping me from moving, he then covered me in snow.  We stared at each other and I sware to God if it wasn't for the fact we were at work, for the fact he's married we would have kissed.

I have to be careful.  Emotions are a mystery and something I'm not so great at controlling any more.  I have lost my vulcan-ness.  Something I miss grately.  I'm not sure life with emotions is all that it's cracked up to me.  I really want to go back to vulcan-ness then G would not be an issue.

It's all made worse by the fact I'm sorta seeing someone at the moment J.  I don't have the feelings for him that I have for G. It's driving me crazy.  J is everything I thought I wanted in a partner.  We are so alike it's lovely, I can completely geek out with him, it's awesome.  But I feel no romantic attachment to him.  G on the other hand he makes me laugh, when he touches me my skin feels as though it's on fire. Just thinking about him now just makes me shiver.

I want to be a vulcan where things like this don't matter.  I won't act upon my emotions, I won't brake up a family that's not me.  I don't ever want that to be me.  I want to be vulcan. I don't want to feel like this.  I had my issues when I was a vulcan but at least emotions were not too big an issue.  If I could be stable as I am not but with the emotional cut off that I had, I'd be content.

I'm beginning to crack.  Something I hate doing in front of people more than anything else in the world, is to cry.  To cry in front of someone is showing weakness, vulnerability and it's just plain wrong.  The other day at work I don't know what happened but I was sitting in a meeting and this wave of darkness hit me and permeated within every cell of my being, digging and sinking toward my soul.   After the meeting I went to my classroom it was empty.  I focused on packing up for the night.  My boss came in and asked if I was all right.  It started before I could stop it I started crying.  She hugged me and it just got harder.  So I pushed her away and told her not too.  I told her some bullshit about how I felt I was failing in my job, I was overwhelmed with the paper work and she fell for it hook line and sinker.  How can I tell someone who just weeks earlier I was telling that I am more stable now than I have ever been that I'm cracking.

To be fair I have told her but I'm not sure she believes me.  I wrote her a letter.  I couldn't tell her in words how I was feeling but I could write it.  When I handed her the letter there were rules.  No talking about it.  No acknowledgement of the letter.  No feedback.  Nothing.  She went and sent me a video in response.  But she read the letter so she should have some idea of how I am feeling and yet I stood in my classroom and she believed what I was telling her.

The whole time I was talking I had the song "I'm not okay, I'm not O-fucking-kay"  I just wish someone could see the cracks that are appearing.  The high I've been on, which I always suspected, was temporary and fake.  I was in hiding.  This time though I haven't got support.  I don't have the Vulcan-ness to protect me and I can't cut as my mother would notice.  I can't get high.  My mother would notice.  So what the hell do I do.

Oh sweet Vulcan. Come back. I'm so sorry I got rid of you. Please come back. Be part of me again. Save me. Keep me safe. Let me not listen to others. I want to back so much. Protect me again.

How I have missed this feeling!

"Yeah, You could be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the king kong banging on your chest
You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door"

Wall of Fame: The Script

A few months ago I hurt my arm/shoulder. It's very painful and it's only recently I have managed any sort of real movement, but it will hurt me terribly if I move in the wrong way or suddenly.  It has been very painful for so long.  I went to the doctors a few weeks back who refereed me to the physio.  The physio has a look at it and wasn't too sure what was wrong but suspected it was a rotate (?) cuff problem. Gave me some exercises to help. Well the pain got worse! Couldn't believe it could but it has. So talking with a physio who visits work he said that if the pain was bad I need to go back to the doctors. So I am trying to get an appointment.  However talking to the physio, I mentioned I had some tramadol which I took for my back pain.  He said if I needed to I should take it.  So I am.  I'd forgotten just how amazing I feel on this stuff.

Hopefully I can become the productive person I used to be.

Music and it's healing quantity.

"Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am"

 How You Remind Me: Nickleback

I was reminded this week how healing music can be.  I've been a bit down this week, more than anything because of being off work for so long and with nothing to do. One day I felt so bad I got in the car and started driving.  I had my own mix CD in the car, I put the music on loud and drove for about three hours. I felt so much better after that.  What it did remind me though is that I need music to help me with my mood.  Music also can help me to put into words how I feel, sometimes it might be the lyrics other times it might be the feel of the music, sometimes it's a mix of the two.

I really do enjoy putting on my headphones (SkullCandy thank you so much for having amazing headphones!) and put the music on, probably  louder than I should do, but I lay in bed and just allow the music to just completely consume me.  Sometimes I sing along, sometimes I just mouth along and sometimes I just let the music take over and I get lost in it.

It made me go through my music and just see what they would stir within me.  To begin with it was amazing and I remembered things I thought I had forgotten, but then there was the music that brought back feelings that I didn't want to remember and thoughts I didn't want in my head.  So I went back to music I know that help me through. 

The funny part is that two of the songs that really do help me and mean the world to me actually trigger memories of a time in my life that wasn't good, and yet they make me feel better and I'm sure it's because I beat things that time.  Slowly but surely I beat things, and perhaps that's why they help me and make me feel amazing, 'cos I know I can fight some fights.

Not sure it's going to help with the big one that I'm due.

However, the lesson I have learnt (or should I say re-learnt) is that the right music really can make a HUGE difference in ones life.  I really need to find the soundtrack that allows me to fight, the big one as well as the small one.  Music might just be my way out of the mess that is coming my way.

Bulletproof?

"So get me out of my head,

Cause it's getting kind of cramped you know

Coming ready or not

When the motor gets hot

We can do it again.

The papers say:

Johnny won't you come back home

Cause everybody knows you don't

Want to give yourself up

Then tell the truth and God will save you"

Bulletproof Heart by My Chemical Romance

So the other week at work, I had my termly review.  This consists of me rating myself against some national standards, my boss (P) doing the same thing and the vice principle (VP) and then we sit in a meeting and discuss everything.

Now last time I did this I got told off because I gave myself very low marks, so when I asked if I could train to be a tutor I was told that I needed to work on myself before that could happen.  Now since then the tutor in my room got fired, and I was asked if I would take his place.  I did.  So this time round the review is different.  No longer as a teaching assistant but as a tutor.

The meeting went very well, I gave myself some good marks, P gave me good marks, VP couldn't make the meeting.  We talked about my depression and how it effected me, we talked about the job and how I was coping with it (especially as I've hit the ground running and have no real clue what I am doing, especially since I have no quals or experience in teaching.  Youth work is very different).  I came away quite positive, and P was very complimentary on how I've been coping, and even my little melt downs are okay because I'm honest about them, I freak out because I'm not sure what I am doing is correct and I need people's support.  P likes the fact I ask for support when I need it, and sometime ask for help over the tiniest little thing because I've got myself confused or lost.  She likes the fact I'm honest about where I am.

P likes the fact that when I scored myself, on the whole she agreed with me.  She even marked me up on somethings, and only marked me down on one thing.  Mainly because I confused myself with what it was asking.  There were some I didn't understand at all and just gave up on, and she was fine with that as the jargon they use is jargon I am not use to and therefore rightly confused by it.  She said she was proud at how far I had come since my last review/supervision.

The thing is I think I lied.  Things are going so well at the moment, and God knows I am trying to enjoy it and trying to take one day a time (hey I even might be dating someone, first date went well, just waiting until after new year to make a second date).   I want to enjoy it, I want to accept it for what it is, I want to find happiness from it all, I want to really feel what people perceive me as being.  The problem is I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I'm waiting for the crash, it's got to come soon.  It always does and I really don't want it.  I don't want to go back to that place but I know it's coming and that nothing I do can or will stop it.  When I fall this time, do I have the strength to stand up again, will I fall as deep as last time.  I know one thing for certain I need to find a support network or I really am screwed.  P thinks that I tell her how I'm feeling, she thinks she can read me and knows what I'm thinking and how I am doing.  It's a lie.  I know it is.  The mask is so automatic it's taken me the Christmas break to recognise it's there.  It was only when I was doing some automatic* writing that the truth comes out.  I've tried to convince myself that what I wrote was crap, it was just the old insecurities coming forth and muddying the waters.  I wonder if it is though.  Through out my life I go in cycles, I do well, I am up and then I come crashing down.  When I'm down I'm really down.  I know I need to get the support network or else I'm in BIG trouble when I crash.  It's not like my mother would ever understand. P can't really help as she keeps personal and business separate so what help is that to me.

I have these dreams, so vivid, so lucid almost memories but I know they are not.  In my dreams I am screaming at the top of my voice "I'm not okay, can you not see that, why can't you see I'm not okay".  People walk past me, until someone gags me, pulls me to the ground.  Others hold me down, all whispering something, with everyone whispering at once I have no idea what people are saying.  I'm trying to get free, people are watching what is happening but move on.  The harder I struggle the tighter people hold on until I'm suffocating.  I usually wake up at this point gasping for breath and a feeling of doom and dream permeating into every cell of my body.  Makes it hard to shift.

I am doing so well at the moment, I don't want to loose it, like really don't want to loose it.  I know I will have to have some rough patches, it's just what life is. But to come crashing down, going down to where I used to be.  I don't have the strength to do that all over again.  It almost killed me last time.  In fact I'm not sure how or why I survived last time.  I had no right to survive. I never did, and still don't understand, why is it I don't have kidney failure or liver failure, why my heart still beats, how I am so well and there are no side effects from all those times I took pills and alcohol mix.  I used to take 8 paracetamol with a BIG bottle of WKD.  The paracetamol alone was enough to kill me, so how the hell did I survive.  I just don't understand.

I shouldn't concentrate so much on these things, I know that.  It quicken the spiral down.  What I need to do is to start creating a support network, I just have no idea how to do that. Anyone who asks me how I'm doing, I say I'm doing great, life couldn't be better, which isn't fair off the truth at the moment.  But it's what comes next that I can't talk to anyone about and it scares me shitless.  Once this year something happened and  I planned how I was going to die and even bought what I needed to carry out the plan.  I choose a location, a time and a date.  I could still do it... at this moment in time I really don't, but what if I go back there again.  What then?  What will stop me?  No one really knows me any more, no one can read my signs.  Only a handful of people ever could and they are not part of my everyday life any more.  I have no one who can help keep tabs on me.

I really think that when I fall this time, I will fall and never get back up.


*For those who don't know automatic writing is when you start writing something like a journal entry and you just write what you're thinking and what you're feeling.  Sometimes if there is a lot to say or you've suppressed something the pen with the aid of your subconscious takes over.  When this happens some home truths come out.  Always put what you write away for a few days before reading over it, or else you'll just dwell.  Read it again and work out what you need to deal with, what to ignore and what's just crap.

mnplah

I don't know weather it's the pain in my arm, or the painkillers & anti-inflammatory mix I'm taking for the pain, but I feel like crap.  I want to just crawl into a corner and just cry and pretend that the world doesn't exist.  Although I can't feel the pain, I know the pain is there because I'm in a really crappy mood, I have no patience, I want to scream at everyone and just stab a knife in them telling them to get the fuck out of my face... and they are the one's who say hello to me.  Can you imagine what it'll be like for those who really piss me off?

I just wish I knew what the hell I was feeling and why!

Medication

I wanted freedom
Bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted

Time is Running Out: Muse

Many years ago I was but on Tramadol for chronic back pain.  Tramadol is a powerful painkiller with some interesting side effects.  As always side effects can vary from person to person.  For me my appetite was suppressed to the point I actually managed to lost weight (which on my diet is quite impressive).   Which made me feel amazing.  I didn't sleep but I was more productive and actually accomplished a lot more than I currently do or have done ever before. I was in awe of what I managed to do and who I became.  I miss the me on Tramadol.  I had some majorly bad back pain earlier in the week. I  had no painkillers so I went to the doctors and got some of my tramadol again.

My appetite was suppressed, I was actually stoked to try and get some work done and have got a load of work for my new role done.  I felt good, I felt human, I felt amazing.  Would it really be wrong of me to try and get put on tramadol on a full time basis so I can be a better person, so I can be more productive in all that I do, that I can start to fit in my clothes again!  How could it ever be wrong to take something that allows you to be a better version of yourself.

I have taken anti-depressants to help me out when things get really bad for me, that is semi-social acceptable to do, so why can't I take Tramadol on a permanent basis and use that as my anti-depressant.  

Bubble expansion

We never thought we'd find a place where we belong.
Don't have to stand alone, we'll never let you fall.
Don't need permission to decide what you believe.

I said jump, down on Jump Street.
I said jump, down on Jump Street.

Your friends will be there when your back is to the wall.
You'll find you'll need us cause there's no one else to call.
When it was hopeless a decision is what you need.

You'd better be ready to, be ready to jump.
21 Jump Street.
Theme from 21 Jump Street

So I'm still waiting for the bubble to pop, but I have had some amazing news today... news which I can only share on here because I can not share with anyone in RL.  I am being made temporary tutor at college as our current on just got fired and they needed someone else to step in.  I'm getting tutor pay, and currently trying to convince them that I will do a good job and they should help me get my quals. So bubble hasn't pop yet but when it does I wonder if I can cope.  I hope so.

Bubbles

Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel
Like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon
Like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon

Windmills of your mind: Johnny Mathis

I'm in this weird little bubble at the moment.  Things are going well for me at the moment, and providing I don't well and truly fuck it up,  I think there is a possibility of a promotion in my career which would be amazing.  Things are going well for me, but I am just waiting for the bubble to pop.  Not because I want it too pop but because it always pops, that's the story of my life.  I am trying to enjoy things whilst I can, but when that pop happens, I'm terrified. 

I can admit here, because this is a safe space for me, that I honestly didn't think I would see out this year.  I had been on Anti-depressants for so long, and as my long term readers know, I hate being on those things and the thought that I can only live my life by being on them was not something I could entertain.  I hate  being on Asthma medication which will be a life long thing, but the thought of being on Anti-depressants was killing me.  Especially since I am the worst medication taker ever!  The better I feel the less regularly I take the stuff, inhalers included.  Which means I tend to mess up my system badly but improper taking of regular medication.  However, at the moment I am completely off the meds, which is fantastic.  If I had to be on meds for the rest of my life just to live it, and please keep in mind at this point that when I'm on meds, the reason they work is because I don't feel anything, they make me tired so I sleep at night, they allow me to relax to the point I just don't care about anything, nothing matters to me... well not  that nothing matters to me, but nothing fazes me.... it's hard to explain.  Sometimes I wish I my dyslexia allowed me a better handle of the English Language so that I can find the words I need to write things, like my blog.  As I said in my previous post, I am fighting something, but I have no idea what though.... I honestly don't think it's depression... but there is something, bubbling underneath, waiting, waiting for something to allow it out and start to take over.  The strange thing is that although I am fighting it, I'm not totally convinced I want to fight it.

Most of the time I don't know what I want, out of my career, out of my money, out of my life, out of my friends, out of my family.  I despised being touched but at the same time, I want someone to hold me, to hug me and tell me that they love me, totally and utterly love me..... and yet I don't want to be in love.  I want to have sex, know what it's like to have someone inside me so intimately and yet the thought of allowing someone that close to me physically, emotionally and mentally disgusts me.... I am a walking contradiction and I just wish I knew what to do about it.  I've joined dating websites, but the thought of meeting those I talk to and enjoy spending time with online, scares me to death.  I love my job, I love my students, I even love most of my co-workers but I the thought of getting out of bed and going to work for the rest of my life (however, long that may be).

I wish I could make a decision in my life and not feel like a hypocrite or that I'm doing it to make some sort of statement.  I wish I could tell if the decisions I make in my life are my decisions or something imposed upon me by family or society.

The long and short of it is that whilst I'm in this bubble where I feel fairly content and happy, more so that most other times in my life, I'm going to be in the moment.  When that bubble pops, I don't know what I'll do I honestly don't.  I don't know.... I just don't know.....

Secrets, videos and struggles

I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated

I wanna break this spell that you've created

You're something beautiful a contradiction

I wanna play the game I want the friction

You will be the death of me, 

Yeah you will be the death of me,

Bury it, I won't let you bury it

I won't let you smother it

I won't let you murder it

And our time is running out

And our time is running out

You can't push it underground

We can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom But I'm restricted

I tried to give you up but I'm adicted

Now that you know I'm trapped,

Sense of elation

You'll never dream of breaking this fixation

You will squeeze the life out of me

You will suck the life out of me.

 Time is running out: Muse

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, and although I have really wanted to blog, I've wanted to write.... I couldn't and to be honest, I'm not sure why.  I compose it all in my head but when it comes to logging on and writing things I can't bring myself to do it.  I will surf the net until the early hours of the morning but when it comes to wanting to write something stops me.  Something blocks me.  I can't figure out what.  Even now I can feel something fighting against me.  I want to write, I am writing, but the distractions are great, and I know they are unreal. Even now it's only with the help of this song that I can push through what ever I've fighting.  I don't like it.

Things are going well on the whole.  I'm now completely of meds and doing okay.  I thought I would freak out and struggle, wanting to go back to the old ways but I don't.  In fact I can't imagine ever wanting to cut or get high.  I find it tough to imagine myself ever being in that position in the past, it's such an alien idea to me that I wonder were it came from.  I was 21 when I first cut.  Just found out about my friends suicide and a few months later I smashed this glass thing I owned (accidental) but I picked up one of the pieces of broken glass and the rest you can say is history.  ten years on and I have no idea where I got the idea of picking up that piece of glass and cutting myself for the first time.  I can tell you that at no point did I have a concious idea of picking up glass and cutting myself, just that I did it.  No thoughts, no feelings, just did it.  It's just peculiar concept.  I could understand it if I had heard about it before but up until I did it I'd never heard of it, never thought about it.  I was years later that I realised that I was not alone in it.

However, an old, old, old compulsion/addiction has raised its head.  This one has been going on since my teenage years.  Technically, I suppose, it's nothing that would be deamed 'self harming' but I think it is with the amount of time I allow it to occupy my thoughts and feelings.  I can't stop it though.  I fantasize about being kidnapped, tied up, drugged, gagged, held hostage, perhaps even brain washed.  It's not that it would or could ever happen but it occupies my thoughts and dreams.  I even go on you tube and download things from TV shows.  I know that this is just horrible, and I must be screwed up in the head for wanting it, but I can't help myself.  I have found numerous websites dedicated to this subject matter and yet it's not enough.  I need to experience it.  I can feel it inside me constantly, some days it's stronger than others.

I am a freak on so many levels.

The unexplainable that is my life

What a few months I have had.

Started a few months ago, when due to a bad judgement on my part, I honestly thought I would loose my job.  There is a bit of a thing at work where 'if your face don't fit your contract is not renewed'.  So when this misjudgement happened, I thought I'd be told that my contract would not be renewed.  However, I was most surprised to discover that I was doing to have a letter of disciplinary on my record for the next two years.  Which I have to say that all things considered, I can live with that.  What really scared me about the whole situation was the fact, that I planned to kill myself should I have lost my job.  I wrote a will and I picked out a place, got all my affairs in order, the works.  The only thing that stopped me killing myself the night I discovered that I was under disciplinary review was the fact I was the main role in a play and I could not leave everyone in the lurch.  So the plan was on the final night, after the final show.  I would say fair well to everyone, and go off to my location and that would be that.

We also had at work, this week, our PDRs (Personal Development Review).  I hate these things at the best of time as I always score myself low, this year was no different.  I actually got told off in my meeting about this as I really underestimated myself this time.  The tutor I work with scored me sevens and eights, whilst I scored myself 3s and 4s.  I got told that I'm doing a damn fine job and I need to believe in myself and be stronger in what I am doing.  Easier said than done but still it was an interesting meeting.  I actually lost sleep over it for no reason really but there you go.  That's me all over isn't it.

I have also been told at work that I can go near enough full time.  From five half days to 3 full days and 2 half days, which means I get to keep the two morning a week job I have.  I am also changing classrooms, due to the fact 'I could teach other staff lessons about how to sit down and just get on with the work we have to do'.  However there is a rumour that those who are changing classrooms are on their last chance, and if it doesn't work in the new class room then that's it.  Job gone.  I don't think that applies to me due to the PDR I got but you never know.

The not so great thing is that my business I have started up is going nowhere fast.  Not one single customer.  I'm heartbroken.  I thought that by now I would have a slow but steady stream of clients, especially since when I was practising and looking for guinea pigs volunteers I got them in abundance.  Now I can find no one.  Frustrating as all hell.  But never mind, no doubt the business will start off at some point.  Even if it is not going as quick as I had hopped.

Update with new toy

I know I have been quiet for a while butI am hoping to start blogging more regukarly as I have to say I have missed blogging and the community like BlackPhil and The Capt. I know that there are some whom have disappeared from the communuty but as I community moves on another one appears. So I will start exlporing and start interacting again and no longer will I be silent or invisable. I have done both and I am not sure I like it.

My job is going really well. I still have not got full time hours but the money I am getting is enough to keep me going and pay off my debts. The job entaiks working with young adults with sever learning difficulties (SLD). They are lovely young peole who are a joy to work with and it helps you to see the world through a whole new light. I am learning so many new skills and attibutes. I appreciate fully the staff I work with, they are an amazing group of peole with a wide range of skills who bring to the job an amazing number of skills, tools and attributs that I love gleaming from them. I enjoy the debates we have, and that we don't need to see eye to eye to do a good job, we can discuss ideas and together come up with an action plan that is followed. As with anywhere there are people who annoy me because there practice is very different to mine, however they are lovely people and I have to say there is no one at work I really dislike, or frustrate me to the point that I feel as though I want to scream at them. What is totally amazing though, as I had given up on finding this, there are people at work that I can talk to about how I am feeling and my depression and negative views of myself. One of them is actually my boss, the head teacher. It's so nice to be able to be able to be open with people with out the fear of being pursecuted or ridiculed or make to feel like a freak. My boss said the other day that I was a freak but she loves the fact I own it and do it all my own way and too hell what others think. There should be more people like me in the world. Willing to be themselves and not a facarde or what people try and force you into being. To which I replied that there should be more people like her in the world beczuse it would make it more comfortable and safer plave for me and those like me. It was an amazing conversatiion and I would like mor of thise thank you very much. There has been one rdundance and one person whose contract has not
Been renewed due to funding problems but I am hoping that this is notna sign of what is too come!

I have been setting up a therapy business. At the moment I offer hypnotherapy but as my qualifications grow there more I can offer. Psychotheraputic counselling and psychotherapy. It's a scary idea, the thought of having my own business. Not that it will ever be my primary job, I enjoy my other job too much. As part of my business I now have a tablet, samsung galaxy 10.1 and I have to say that it's really good, and perfect for putting mynscreeds in it and reading them off. Amazing. The graphic are rally good. Its al,ost like having a mini laptop, but without the bulkiness. I have also been doing a kot with the amatre dramatics. I have really learnt a lot about the sound side of things, how to use a mixing desk and how to deal with problems when they arise. I have even directed my first ever show. Although only thirty minutes long, it was a raging sucess and I hope to do a full length play next season. Next season I will only do a couple of shows as I have to concentrate on my course and the drama taje up an awful lot of my time.

Update

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing you're fucking perfect to me.

Fucking Perfect: Pink

So it's been a while since I've last posted and my God a lot's changed.  Shortly after losing my job and my home, I moved back in with Mam.  It was tough to begin with but we've made it work, and got really use to each other and our peculiar little ways again.  Shortly after I moved in with Mam, I went to the doctors and asked if I could be put on Anti-depressents, and they did, with out any hesitation.  So I've been on them since mid April, and I have to say I'm doing really well on them.  The only side effect I really have with them is my neverending appitate, so I'm going to ask the doctors to help me out and give me something to stop it.

One of the major advatages of moving in with Mam, is that I'm closer to my niece and get to see a lot more of her.  She is now 19 months old and is a little wizard on her feet and often gets herself into pickles because she likes to climb up but can never climb down and get's stuck.  She keeps us on our toes.

In August I got a job after six months unemployment.  Now it's only 22.5 hours a week but still it's better than not working.  I am a Learning Support Assistant (LSA) for a college for Adults with Server Learning Difficulties.  I'm loving it.  Totally and completely.

I also past my Hypnotherapy course and in the new year I will be getting my insurance so I can finally make my business a reality.  At the moment everything is just thearetical and I'm just waiting to get things finialised.  I'm hoping that with this business that I can earn enough to either move out of Mams or safe up a deposit so I can buy a place of my own.

Toska (my tortoise) is forever growing and is even bonding with my niece, and she with him.  It's brilliant.  When I finally die in many decades, I can will him to her and she should take him on.  It'll be awesome.

I have joined a local am-dram group and have done three plays so far and am working for the third one and am also trying to sort out dirrecting for another one later on in the season.  I've been doing sound for all the other shows, so it'll be interesting taking that leap and going for directorship.

So life is looking up.  I'm stable.  I may not be happy (not that I know what that looks like), but I'm doing okay.

Dogged A Bullet

I've had a swollen and very painful right breast for a few months today, when the pain got too bad I went to the doctors.  Today I had my appointment at the breast care clinic.

It all came back clear, I have a fatty deposit which is causing pain.  I have to take evening primrose for the next few months.

However, is it bad that I wish I had been told I had cancer.  I want to give up, but I don't want the world to see that I've given up.  At least with cancer I can have it, make it look like I'm fighting but really, inside I'm allowing it to kill me.

How bad a person am I!!!!

Epic Fail

Well I've well and truly done it this time.  I've lost my job.  With this job though it also means I lose my home. I'm moving back in with my mother.

I feel the depression coming back and have no idea how to stop it.  I'm not strong enough, not this time. I have nothing to fight for. I'm lost.

To cry in front of you, is the worst thing I can do

 "I could hurt someone like me,
Out of spite or jealousy.
I don't steal and I don't lie,
But I can feel and I can cry.
A fact I'll bet you never knew.
But to cry in front of you,
That's the worse thing I could do."

There Are Worse Things I Can Do: Grease

Prayer in community has be really hard for me for quite a while.  However, after months of discussion and a doctors visit (!), things are beginning to settle.  I've managed to have some nice prayer times, that have been suitable for me.   Today, during prayer, we were asked to write a letter to ourselves.  Quite a hard thing today, but I set my music up, put my headphones in and started to write.  When I write like this, I don't often know what it is I'm writing.  I stop thinking about it and allow the words just flow. 

Reading back over what I wrote was really interesting.  It's really made me thing.  I talked about the fact that right now I am at a crossroads, a terrifying crossroads.  At this junction in my life I can either choose life or go back to the hermit I was.  I either have to take life by it's hands and celebrate and enjoy it as much as I can, allow my healing journey to continue.  Or I can stop, I can go back to what I was.  The hermit, the cutter, the depressive. The problem with going back to being the depressive, is that I know what enjoying life means.  I understand what it means to have friends, a social life.  I'm not sure I could go back, and be content.  The problem is with moving forward on the healing journey is I have to face my demons.  I have to trust someone enough to allow myself to cry in front of them.

I have to take and own my emotions.  I need to be in control, rather than them controlling me all the time.  Someone once said to me that you need to be scared to be brave.  However I'm terrified, and I'm not sure I have the strength or the friends to get me through the healing journey.  The more I think about it, the more I dwell on it, the more terrified I become, paralysing terror.

I don't know what I'm going do or what way on the crossroads I'm going to go.  I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for it.  I don't know what to do, no one can tell me what to do.  I'm stuck at the crossroads and can't move. 

I'm paralysed.

Memories and Music

"Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again"

Memory: Cats

Music is the most powerful form of communication, in my opinion.  Music can make me cry, it can make me happy, it can echo my feelings as if I wrote it.  It's helped me through great pains in my life.  It's celebrated with me through great joys.  It's a medium like no other.  It can change my mood with a change of song. 

I've had a seven day headache which has made my mood quite something to fear.  No one could come close to me or comfort me.  I have managed to listen to some quiet music, which has been nice.  Listening to song's I've not listened for a while.  I put a music list together that's lasted 8 hours.  During those 8 hours I have cried, I have laughed, I've relived memories, I've got hyper, I've got reflective.  I doubt there is a single emotion I've not felt.  About ten minutes ago, the song Relax by Mika played.  You can imagine that with an 8 hour play list you can't remember every song you've put on there.  This song played and immediately I was back at the flat, with The Boys and especially thinking about S.  It made me smile as I remembered the fun we had, the times we shared.  At the same time I felt the pain of not seeing S, and not having him in my life.  It was an intense experience.

Just thought I'd share.

The hardest thing in this world is to live in it

I don't want to feel anything today
(I don't want to feel anything today)
Anything at all and just be alone
(I just want to know that you want to know)
I don't want to live through another day
(I don't want to live through another day)
Meaningless to fight for the victory
I just want to dive in the heart of misery

One love, One life, Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight, Locked me in the heart of misery

I will never be anything again
(I will never be anything again)
I'm tired to give, I don't want to try
(I'm afraid to live, I'm afraid to die)
I just want to fly, throw it all away
(I just want to fly, throw it all away)
Meaningless to fight for your sympathy
I just want to drown in the heart of misery

One love, One life, Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight, Locked me in the heart of misery

One man forgot to breathe

One heart refused to beat
One love is incomplete

One love, one life, Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight, Locked me in the heart of misery

One love, One life, Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, One fight, Locked me in the heart of misery

Ah ah, ah ah In the heart of misery
Ah ah, ah ah In the heart of misery

Heart of Misery: The Rasmus

I know I have said this before, but I'm going to say it again.  I really miss my depression.  I miss that feeling of hopelessness, I miss that feeling of wanting to give up.  Most days I find myself wishing I was depressed because at least that way I could validate the feeling that I was useless and that I didn't want need to get out of bed.  I honestly feel that although I was dangerous when I was in a depressive state I was actually more productive.  I used to write, I used to play my instruments, I would play on my consoles against friends and I would talk to people on MSN or Yahoo. 

Now though I am shutting myself down.  I don't write as much as I used to, I struggle to write anything, as much as I want to I just can't seam to get myself into that zone, I also don't have the ideas like I used to.  I equally have stopped talking to people on the messengers and I don't talk to people in reality either.  I just sit in my room, watching TV or sleeping.

I miss crying, I miss cutting, I miss what my life was.  I honestly believe that my life was better before I had therapy.  People say I am better now, that I'm a better person now.  I'm not so sure.  I'm not convinced.  I honestly think I preferred the depressed me and all that I had.

I feel like I'm dead, I feel as though nothing matters.  I wish I had never got better.

SONGS!!!

Here is some new year fun.  As we come to the end of 2010 and begin 2011, have a go at working out what songs are in this passage of text, and if you can tell me who sang them!

A new billboard went up the other day, it was all about change, the tag line said 'Come with us, run with us, we're gonna change the world, you'll be amazed, so full of praise when we've re-arrange your world.  We're gonna change your world'.  I stood there so amazed at something incredible cos it's common place knowledge that everybody wants to change the world, everybody wants to change the world, but no one, no one wants to die. 

I turned my back and walked down the street.  Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight, and dammit this feels too right, it's just like deja vu as the world won't change.  The world doesn't want to change.  I know that I will never be anything today, I'm tried to give, I don't want to try, I'm afraid to live, I'm afraid to die.  I walk into a church, wanting to pray, wanting to pray because I just wanna feel real love, fill the home that I live in, I've got too much life running through these veins, going to waste, I don't wanna die but I'm not keen on living either.

As I sit there, silence is all around me, drowning me, taking over and I know that the game of life is hard to play, I'm gonna loose it anyway, the loosing card of some delay so this al all I have to say 'Open up the gaes of the church and let me out of here! Too many people have lied in the name of Christ for anyone to heed the call, so many people have died in the name of Christ that I can't believe it all.  I run to leave, then I heard it, the small calm voice whispering in my sould 'I love you to death, I love you to death, I love you to death, 'til there's nothing left, I'll love you to death, I love you.'

My soul jumps for joy, singing at the top of it's voice, 'this isn't me' I used to say 'all the love was so gone, it feels so good to be alive I've been dead for so long'.  Walking home I feel as though my whole body is alive sing it for the world, sing it from the heart, sing ti 'til you're nuts, sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.  The world is alive, the world is amazing, and I feel great. 

I stop as something in the tv shop catches my eye. I am drawn to the subtitles 'Johnny won't you come back home, cos every one knows that you don't want to give yourself up tell the truth and God will save you'.  There a a poor boy in trouble, needing our help.... you'll get a five second warning for divine intervention with the satellites falling, prepare for ascension, as the earth looks on. 

I get to my knees knowing that the whole world is in trouble.  If I had got this news only a few hours earlier I would not have cared.  As it stands I have found a new lease of life, cutting down my Christmas list this year, I'm gone, I'm out, I'm in a penthouse in the basement, trying to make my life better.  Wanting to make things better.  Instead the soft lips are open, them knuckles in pale, feels like you're dying, your dying... I head for the light.

emotions

We've had an emotional day in community today.  One of our team members left, and it's brought on a lot of tears by people, baring me.  I haven't cried once.  In fact I don't feel anything.  It's part of life that people come and go. I accept that so I feel nothing, however I have made some flippant comments that have upset a number of people on community.  I have been more flippant that I would have normally been, and I think that's my way of showing my feelings.

I'm upset that this person has left, and it will leave a huge hole in community, and I will miss my head nuggles, however I don't want to cry about it as I know that she will go on to live a wonderful life.  Better than my life will ever be.  Why should I be upset that she's left?  Why should I cry because everyone else is?  However interestingly because I'm not crying no one is checking to see if I'm okay, they are all coming to me for comfort.  So I am taking comfort in the pills and the alcohol and the karaoke tonight!!

dang!

I suspect that last night has become the beginning of the end for me.  Last night I did something I am not proud of, but still it was something that I needed to do.  Last night I started to cry, I don't know what brought the tears, but they came from the depth of my soul.  They came from a place where the darkness lives.  I cried like I haven't done in a very long time.  Tears of pain, tears of utter sadness.  It was uncontrollable and unstoppable.  I don't know what triggered it.  The only reason I stopped though is because I started scratching.  The joy and comfort that offered me was unreal.  It was amazing!  I kept going until my hand started weeping.

This morning, as you can imagine, my hand is swollen and very sore.  The weeping sections of my hand have started to scab over.  Which means I need to cover up which is annoying.  It's so painful this morning, it's unreal.  I don't ever remember the pain being this bad.

I hate the fact that I did it, but it was the only way the tears were going to stop!!!!

Darkness

Those who have joined me on this blog from blog city, might have noticed that with my blogs now I try and include part or all of a song which speaks to me and about the subject in hand.  However for this entry I wish to do something slightly different.  I was to share a youtube video.

Robert Shaw

It's a canny few small films joined to make a larger film.  However I am going to to share with you the part of the entry that is called 'Prisoner'.

Darkness

It's all I see any more

My grandfather once told me 

That God will shine His light on us

When we've hit rock bottom.

That He'll give us an opportunity

To turn it around

But you're only given one shot

And if you don't take it

If you don't grab hold of that moment

..... Then darkness takes over.

For a while now I have recognised that the darkness is coming.  It's not all I see at the moment but it definitely is coming.  The signs are there, the feelings are returning, old habits have crept in, someone without my noticing (for example I'm covering mirrors again!)  I know that whilst I am where I am, I can not be fully apart of the work I'm doing or the community I am living in.  I know, from past experience, that I can not be part of life when that darkness comes.  I am not nice to be around, I do not want to be around people.  Something else I have noticed that I'm doing, I'm spending more and more time in my room and I'm not sleeping.  I am also writing again, which feels good, but I know I only write when things start getting bad.  Not great really.

The words though really spoke out to me.  I wrote them out a few days ago and have been thinking long and hard about why they speak to me.  I have come to this conclusion.  I believe that these words speak to me because my current situation is that God has shined that light on me, and that being here is my opportunity to turn it all around.  If I don't do it here, I'll never do it.  I want to be different, but I don't know how.  I know I can't keep pulling away from everyone, I know I can't keep hiding so I don't have to develop those personal relationships.  I know that I have to take that step and start talking to someone, but I don't know who I can trust.  I know I have started talking to B, but she is my boss' wife, so it feels a little odd being honest and open with her.  She is however the only person who comes to mind about who I can start trying to develop that trust.

What if I can't take this opportunity? What if the darkness takes over?  I'm not sure I have the strength to fight again.  When you're fighting in darkness, you have no idea if what you are doing is right or wrong, you have to trust that those you've put your trust in the right people so that they can bring you out of the darkness and towards the light.

"This guy's walkin' down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole, and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole; can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey, Joe, it's me. Can ya help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are ya stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."

Leo McGarry: The West Wing

 I just wish I knew who in my life is the doctor, the priest and who is the friend.  I keep looking at the people around me, but for various reasons I don't think there are any of them are appropriate for me to talk to.  They are either people who are volunteers, who are dealing with their own mental health issues, people who dislike me, or people who are just around for a few months.  I just don't know who there is around that I can talk to, or even start testing the waters with.

Someone can up to me today asking if I was already, I told them I was but inquired to the nature of their question.  They said that for some reason they felt that they needed to pray for me for some reason.  They didn't know why or what is going on, but they just have this feeling they need to pray for me.  Now this person is having many issues of their own, and I'm keeping  a careful eye on them, so I don't know if they are asking me this in hope that I will back off, or because they are worried.  However I told them that I didn't know where they get that idea from, but I thanked them for their prayers.

What worried me though is the subconscious signals that I am sending out.  At the moment, I'm very much faking it until I'm making it.... not just work but with everything.  I would really like at the moment in time to curl up in a ball under my desk and just forget that the world exists, but I know I can't do that.  At the moment, on the whole, I'm managing, however I'm not convinced at just how long I can keep this up.  I don't want to break down, but I don't want to talk to anyone.... I can't talk to anyone.

Sleep is being rather elusive as well, which isn't helping matters at all.  When I don't sleep everything seams so much worse that it is.  I don't know how much longer I can go with this sort of no sleep.  When I've had insomnia in the past I've not got tired with it.  I just didn't sleep or got very little sleep.  Now though I struggle with staying alert.  I want to sleep it just keeps eluding me.

".... your given only one shot, and if you don't take it, if you don't grab hold of that moment.... then the darkness takes over."

I just don't know how to stop the darkness, this time. 

Stupid, stupid me!!!!

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see
Stupid: Sarah McLachlan

So I'm not exactly proud of myself, but at the same time I am.  I haven't been coping at all well lately and I know that.  However, last night I drank a fair bit and I took three of my painkillers.  Not enough for me to get completely off my face but just enough that I could buzz away quite happily for the night.  I know I'm on a dangerous path here, but I don't know what else to do.  I don't trust anyone to talk to, I don't want to go back for counselling because I just don't have anything to talk about.  I don't know what's going on in my head and why I'm feeling like this.  I just know that last  night I felt quite happy for a while.

Still need to sleep though.

Doctor

So doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me something?

A day in the life of someone else

'Cause I'm a hazard to myself

Don't le me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating

Don't wanna be my friend no more

I wanna be somebody else.

Pink: Don't let me get me!

I have had some fun today.  I went to the doctors today to see if I can get a diagnosis of hyperactivity, ADD or ADHD as I can't take prayer for much more at work.  So I explained to the doctor what was being asked of me which is basically a letter  or a diagnosis of what's wrong with me so I don't need to sit in silence for such a long period of time.

When I explained to the doctor what was being asked of me, the doctor, tried and failed, not to laugh.  He thought it was insane that I needed a letter to be able to pray with some music in the background.  So he is going to talk to the psychiatrist to get his opinion and will be talking to my boss on Monday, and call me to let me know what is going on.  He thinks it's ridiculous that I am not being excepted for who I am within a Catholic community!!! He could not stop himself from sniggering.

I felt like a lemon for asking, but I also feel the same way.  It's insane that I need a piece of paper to say that I'm allowed to work and pray in a way that is conducive for myself and doesn't not do me harm.  What century are we in!!!

Creaper

"I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anaesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside."

Cut: Plumb

As part of my new job I must sit though half hour to an hour of silent prayer.  Anyone who has known me since my birth knows that trying to sit still for that long is not good for me.  I brought this up with my boss' and they were unsympathetic.  I told them that I boarder on having hyperactivity/ADHD/ADD, as a result I don't sit still for long and I can't concentrate on one thing at a time.  I have to be doing a number of things at once, so I wondered if it was possible for me to take in some music during this time to help me out with this and allow me to pray in a way that I know works for me.  I was rejected.  So I told them there would be a price to pay and as long as their willing to deal with that so be it.

Well the price has come.  I am once again dealing with Insomnia, which isn't too bad really, I'm getting a lot more writing done which is nice.  The bad part though is that my depression is trying to worm itself back into my life.  I have found myself drinking more, and taking my pain medication (even though I don't need it) with a bit of alcohol just so I can get a bit of a buzz.  I'm not getting high, not really, just enough so I can make it through the night.  I haven't started cutting though which is nice.  I find more and more though that I struggle to be happy and nice to people.  Most days I would be quite happy to kill most people I'm around, which is never good when you live and work within community.  I have also found that the only way I can be 'calm' during silent prayer is to start banging my head against the wall.  I didn't realise I was doing it to begin with but now I find it most comforting.  I know it's not a good sign though.

I also find myself pulling away from people, and spending more and more time on my own.  I don't want to be around people.  I recognise the road I am on but really not sure what I need to do to stop this.  I tried talking to someone about what's going on in my head, but she freaked out and found it hard to deal with so I'm not going to be talking to her again.  Not like the way she thinks I will be.

I know the road I'm on, how do I get off thought?

Proud

I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind
I step out of the ordinary, I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way, can't stop me now and you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people if you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Still so many answers I don't know
Realize that to question is how we grow
So I step out of the ordinary, I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way, can't stop me now and you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people if you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

We need a change, do it today
I can feel my spirit rising
We need a change, so do it today
'Cause I can see a clear horizon

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
'Cause you could be so many people if you make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today?
You could be so many people just make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

I am so unbelievably proud of myself at the moment.  We had our first retreat this week, 98 seventeen year olds.  It was a brilliant two days, except for the two other staff members who, out of kindness ended up pissing me off and making me angry, because they would not allow me to lead the retreat.  By the end of the retreat I really did dislike them.  However the day after the retreat we sat down and talked about it all.  I explained my feelings and how they made me feel, but also that I know that they didn't mean anything malicious by it. They listened to what I had to say, and apologised as that was not what they meant to happen.  We talked open and honestly about our feelings from each of our view points.  It was very refreshing.  I am so proud that I actually spoke up about my feelings and actually did something about it, rather than getting depressed about it.

What have you done today to be proud?

Karaoke

There is this little bikers place down the road, that runs as a cafe during the day but an 25 and overs pub during the night.  It looks seedy and I've always been warned off it.  However when I saw a sign that said that there would be karaoke on Friday night, I put a notice up for the community and we went down there.  We were a little hesitant  on walking in, but I took the lead and just went for it.  To say that we out numbered the locals is no word of a lie. 

We all got ourselves drink, technically only two of us should have been able to buy drinks there, but instead we all manage to buy drinks... which I thought was funny.  Then the Karaoke DJ put some background noise on whilst he got set up, us being us, we got up to dance.  The locals just watched us not sure what to make of it.  When he put a song on we didn't like and sat down, he would change it and we'd get up and dance again.

We did do some singing, one girl in our group who is extremely shy shocked us all by doing a song by herself and rocking out.  She was amazing.  Never, ever judge a book by it's cover... I don't tend to but she just blew me away, I never thought she would be that amazing.  I also for the first time in a LONG time got up and sang a few songs.

It was really nice to get out of work and let off some steam, have a few drinks and just let my hair down.  I danced, I sang, I had a really enjoyable night.  When everyone started going home at 11.30pm I was quite disappointed as I could have carried on going, singing and dancing and certainly drinking.

Towards the end of the night, the DJ put on songs like Macarana, Saturday night and YMCA and our lot danced and even some of the locals joined in.  I could have just stayed in that moment for a long while, it felt good to be normal for a change.

Although I do love my new job, and I don't even mind that I've got a smaller room and the fact that most of my stuff is in my mother's loft, I get so tired because I feel like I have to put on a mask.  I have to tone down who I am and how active I am.  I can't stay up late at night which is what I want to do naturally as we have 8am prayer.  On top of that I sit through prayer in the afternoon (which is too bad per say) but the half hour of personal prayer in the chapel altogether is killing me.  I could quite happily strangle someone when I come out of it.

On the whole though it's going well, I do wish my family where a little more behind me in my decision, but I suppose it's just not meant to be.  I'm meant to be arranging for a time for my mother to come and stay one weekend to see what we do here, and have a proper look around, although I'm worried that if she did, she'll be even more against the idea of me staying here.

Oops I'm doing it again

I had a review yesterday of my performance in my two weeks in my new job.  It wasn't good.  They don't like the fact I know my limitations and will voice something I know, from experience I can't do.  However they want me to ignore all of this and attempt to see through my limitations and go a head and do these things anyway.  It's crazy.  It's not like they've even asked me, they just demand it.

They pointed out that in my interview I said that I would never ask someone to do something I wasn't prepared to do myself... which is true, but the flip side of that is the fact that you have to understand people's limitations and adapt around those limitations.  You can not ask someone to flourish in a place where they concentrate only on limitations! Can you?

Until this point I was more than happy, I felt I was doing okay, knew I was struggling in some areas but didn't know that they were so unhappy with me.  I have been struggling with their prayer.  They have turned very, very, very traditional!!! Unbelievably so.... to the point I have to more or less sit in silence for the best part of an hour..... it's so hard!!!  I don't get a lot out of it, even their praise and worship is slow and quiet which is no so nice.

So once again I feel as though I have made the wrong decision and am fucking up my life again!!! When will I find somewhere that works, that is right.  I want to find somewhere that will except me as me and not as they expect people to be or their idea of what someone should be.

It's been so long since I've felt like I have a home, where I can be me completely and utterly, where I can feel so comfortable that I don't need my walls or my barriers any more.  I can feel them going up again, I can feel me pulling away from people.  I can feel myself not wanting to be part of the world again.  After fighting so hard to try and be part of it, I know want to run away again.

I'm tired of having to suppress so much of me to fit in, for people to except me, just so I can be a stereotype.  Am I wrong to want to be myself? Am I wrong to want to be comfortable with people around me? Why am I always in the wrong?

All and complete change.

Anyone who has been reading my blog for many years when it started over at blog-city, knows that for a number of reasons, one of which is my dyslexia, is that I do not handle change very well.

Over the past eighteen months I have had a lot of change, I changed jobs twice, I've moved three times.... it's been quite a ride.  I had hoped that when I moved into my current house and started my current job I could stay put for a while I get my equilibrium back again.  However this wasn't to be.  Here I am sitting on my third to alst shift at work, knowing that on Monday not only do I move but I also get to change jobs.

My new job is going to be awesome it's what I want in a job.  I will be working in a retreat centre for young people to explore their Catholic faith.  In one year we will see 18,000 young people.  I'm going to be working as senior retreat leader.  It's going to be great.  This is what I'm convinced that the good Lord wants me to do with my life.  The sticky point is the fact that I have to live in community.  I really want my own place but it's just not meant to be.  In it's own time.

However the point of this post is the fact that on Monday I have yet another big change in my life and I'm not sure how well I'm dealing with it.  My sleeping is all over the place, my eating is all over the place, at night when I can't sleep I can feel myself on the edge of a panic attack and I can feel myself starting to cry and shake.  As much as I want my job, and I'm uber excited about it and I truly believe this is right for me I'm not sure I'm strong enough to deal with yet another change in my life in such a short period.

It's been a long time since I've felt settled.  It's a long time since I've really felt safe. When I was in Berkshire, I lived in a house for two and a half years, I did a job for three years.  It felt good even when I was stressed to high hell and my depression was really bad.

All I want is to feel like everything  is safe and secure.

Moving day

I have another blog and it's based over at Blog-City, but it's closing down.  I've been there for eight years but now it's not to be.

So since I already have this blog up and running I'm going to keep this as my main blog, and let blog-city just disappear.  However what I have to do over the next 18 months is get a copy of my blog as I don't want to loose all my post.  It's a long old hall.

The're only words

My insomnia is slowly passing, very slowly and occasionally I manage to actually sleep for more than an hour or two. On those nights I dream, except they are not dreams, they are memories. Memories of nights where I took 'The Concoction'. It was going okay because I didn't do much. I would just lay on my bed with a film going or a TV show playing, but there was one night where S saw me in that state. I had completely forgotten, and am horrified that I allowed him to see me in that state. I woke from this dream memory, and was horrified but didn't know what to do about it. So I wrote him an email just to say how sorry I was about the whole affair.

I don't want him respond but I would just like something to say that he acknowledges what I've said. I know that's really selfish of me, and I didn't write the email just so I could have closure... well not completely. I do want closure, but more than anything I don't want S to fear me any more, I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. I'm going to keep in touch with him, but I'm going to distance myself from him. I'm going to let him make a move or two occasionally. I do need to start putting him behind me, and I need to move on.

I just wish I could talk to him, just once about what I put him through, but he wouldn't talk to me about that, he wouldn't open up and we'd never get an honest conversation going. We put up too many doors and too many walls. We never could be honest with each other. I could only vaguely tell him anything near truthful when I had drunk too much. Then he would back off and a crater would appear between us.

As my mental health got worse, that creator got bigger and bigger and I'm pretty sure there is nothing is the 'verse that will bridge that gap. I sure miss him. It's like my heart has a hole in it, and there is nothing that will fill it in.

What the hell have I done

I'm freaking out a little. I'm so desperate for S, and my feelings for him are so intense and I don't know what to do with it that. I dream about him, I ache for him. I have never felt this way about anyone like this ever. I even wonder what it would be like to sleep with him. He is the only guy I have honestly and truly imagined myself sleeping with.

So with all this going on and being so desperate for him I did something that I'm pretty sure is the dumbest thing I have ever done. I bought myself a love potion (or love spell I can't remember) which I can cast on him.

I know I shouldn't do this but I am so desperate for him I just don't know what else to do. He's rejected me but he is still giving me signs that he wants me, even my friends are confused by him. If they hadn't known he had rejected me they would have tried to get me to ask him out. They think he is attracted to me.

What harm can it do though, really?

What the hell do I do now

So I went for a job interview today. Didn't think I did all that well. Imagine my surprise when they offered me the job!

I don't know if I will take the job or not as I really want to talk to my CPN about where I will stand on wating lists and the such. I'm not sure I can handle everything from scratch!

I have until Wednesday to make a decision. I just hope it's the right one!

really struggling

So since my break down the other week I've been okay. I've not cut and I've not taken the Concoction. I've been sleeping naturally, and I've been feeling positive. Then yesterday happened. I had a team day at work and they did some of 'the heartstyles'. I didn't cope with it. It really brought me down and now I'm struggling to keep it together. Really struggling. I want my razor, but I don't have a razor. I want to take the pills and the alcohol but I've taken so much lately I'm afraid of what I'm doing to my body. I want to smoke, but I can't my chest is too bad. So I'm sitting here wondering what the fuck I'm meant to be doing to get me through for another hour until I get to bed. I've tidied my room, I have no dishes to wash..... I'm struggling and I don't know what to do.

A good session

I had a fantastic session with my CPN last Thursday. Usually I just sit there, vaguely talking about things, he gets me to think a little but we don't really do anything much. That all changed this week. Changed completely.

I sat there and talked about my concoction that I take. We talked about how dangerous it is, the damage I could be doing to myself. We also talked about the possibility that I might be addicted. This is something myself that I have struggled with. I plan when I do it, I plan it carefully. I buy the pills, I buy the alcohol. I can't seam to stop myself.

We talked about what it was to be an addict, what it meant, and how it would affect me. We talked about how I felt when I took my concoction and we also talked about how much control I had over it.

My CPN came to the conclusion that although what I was doing was wrong, I had enough control, I wasn't doing it regularly enough and that I knew what I was doing enough that he didn't need to interfere in some way or other to stop me.

In truth although the dosage I take is high, and I could be doing a lot of damage to myself, I do not do it everyday, I do not do it at work, I only do it when I'm at home and I can have a day to recover. I am very careful. I make sure I do this unsafe deed in a safe way.

It felt so good being able to talk about it. No one else knows, well actually there are some people who do know, but they don't know the extent of it. My CPN does. He knows how many times I've done it over the past couple of months. When I stopped cutting, I started on the concoction. I look forward to that time during the week (or weekend) when I can take my concoction and block everything out. I do wish I could get the same feeling with something else but I can't.

To talk about it was so good, to talk through my concerns and my joys of 'The Concoction'. For me to know that someone else knows and doesn't look down on me. I walked out of that meeting feeling great. Why can't I feel like that normally!!

Oh shite!

I have found myself planning my time around the best time for me to get 'stoned' on my little concoction... even though last Friday I got it wrong and I became very ill and remember very little I still want it, I want to be that way again. I'm trying to plan the best time to do it, when The Boys are out, when I don't have to get up early the next day, trying to find the best time to do it so I can be alone and no one will find out. I need to get the pills and I need to get the alcohol but planning all this I am.

I remember back in Uni I started cutting then went on to the P&A concoction, then when I started coming out of it I cut again and then I stop. Neither of these are right, I know that, you know that, we all know that but here I am unable to stop. I need them to just block everything out for a while, so that I can dream, so that I can sleep, so that I don't need to feel.

Screwing up all over again.

Friday night wasn't good for me and I don't know why. I had an exceptionally good week at work, the most positive I've had in many a month in fact. Still I did my thing except I did it wrong. I got the combination wrong. I got to the point I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk. Had I found someone in that state I would have called for an ambulance but I hid out, I stayed in my room. I think I slept a couple of hours in the bathroom... well I say slept, I get very tired but I never actually sleep. It's hard to describe the state I was in. I collapsed twice in my bedroom and I have jarred my neck and shoulders. They hurt so much.

I couldn't think straight, I doubt I could have talked straight. I certainly could stand up and I had real issues with walking, at most I could crawl. I enjoyed the feeling of no control, it wasn't until sometime Saturday I realised just how dangerous the state I was in was. Anything could have happened, what if I had fallen down the stairs, what if I had decided to go for a walk. Anything could have happened and there was no one around to help me.

I paid for it on Saturday not being able to eat or drink until late into the evening, I was very dehydrated and had problems with light. Today I feel better, I managed to eat something and have spent sometimes outside in the sun. However I'm thinking that I can't do that again, certainly not while I'm on my own. It could have gone so badly wrong. I could have been so ill or worse but I couldn't help myself. I needed something, anything to help me with stuff that's going on in head. To stop me feeling what I'm feeling.

Today I'm find apart from sore shoulders and neck, but it's my own stupid fault, I just need to come up with a really good reason for why I'm in so much pain that sounds plausible. No one knows what I'm doing at the moment except my CPN, and he's on holiday at the moment so I can't talk to him but I don't know who else I should talk to, who else I should tell. If I tell anyone they'll become worried about me and freak out. I couldn't handle that at all! The looks I'd get, the concern on their face etc.

What have I done? What am I doing here? What am I doing to myself? Why can't I stop?

I'm in trouble!

"The past is done It's gone forever is done Don't tell me my pain is pleasure You, you haven't got a clue Oh, I wanna cry but I don't make a sound I'm your child and your child is feeling down Everybodys toxic in this town" Robbie Williams: Toxic
I know I shouldn't have done it, but I'm just feeling so bad! I've not talked to anyone in over 30 hours. I've not seen anyone within 30 hours. I've been completely on my own. Last night I couldn't handle how I was feeling, there was no one around. I tried everyone but there was nothing, not one person about. Everyone has their own lives. So I bought a BIG bottle of orange bacardi breezer, drank that to myself and then took some of my old pain killers. I know they make me buzz along side the alcohol. No one around to notice, no one around to stop me.

I need to let go.

"This is the way you left me
I'm not pretending
No hope no love no glory
No happy ending
This is the way that we love
Like it's forever
And live the rest of our lives
but not together"
Happy Ending: Mika

I know that he doesn't like me in a romantic way. I am thankful that we are still friends and that we can still spend time together. I would like my feelings to stop and for the day dreams to end. I am hurting that he doesn't want me. I wish I could change myself so that he wanted me, I wish I could be exactly what he wants in a woman. I keep wondering if things would have been different if I hadn't had all this mental health crap going on.

I dread the day he gets a girlfriend. I dread the jealousy I know that will come. However, I wish that he will be happy with who ever he ends up with. I hope he does find true happiness and true love. I hope he finds a love that will last a lifetime and then some. A love that is not jealous or possessive. I hope that he finds everything he wants in a wife.

I just wish it could have been me!

Heartbroken

It seemed to be like the perfect thing for you and me

It's so ironic you're what I pictured you to be

But there are facts in our lives we can never change

Just tell me that you understand and feel the same

This perfect romance that I've created in my mind

I'd live a thousand lives each one with you right by my side

But yet we find ourselves in a less than perfect circumstance

And so it seems like we'll never have the chance

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny

And you can't move on even though you try

Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel

Oh, I wish this could be real

Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life

And you don't want to face what's wrong or right

Ain't it strange how fate can play a part

In the story of your heart

Sometimes I think that a true love can never be

I just believe that somehow it wasn't meant for me

Life can be cruel in a way that I can't explain

And I don't think that I could face it all again

I barely know you but somehow I know what you're about

A deeper love I've found in you

And I no longer doubt

You've touched my heart and it altered every plan I've made

And now I feel that I don't have to be afraid

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny

And you can't move on even though you try

Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel

Oh, I wish this could be real

Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life

And you don't want to face what's wrong or right

Ain't it strange how fate can play a part

In the story of your heart

I locked away my heart

But you just set it free

Emotions I felt

Held me back from what my life should be

I pushed you far away

And yet you stayed with me

I guess this means

That you and me were meant to be

Ain't it funny:J-lo

I have had only one relationship in my life and even then I wouldn't really call it a relationship.  I knew he liked me which is why I asked him out. Shortly after we started 'dating' I became ill.  The 'relationship' lated six months.  During that time I never completely relaxed around him, I never felt comfortable when we were together, or holding hands, or kissing.  I always felt like it was wrong somehow.  Then during this time I almost kissed someone else.  This is when I knew that he and I wouldn't last.  He went to uni and we broke up.  I didn't feel anything, not even upset.  I didn't cry not once.  I have gone on dates, I have asked other guys out but every time things didn't work out or I got knocked back I didn't care.  I didn't feel anything.

That's changed this time.  This time I had feelings, I had butterflies, I had a vested interest in the outcome.  This time I knew I would feel something if he said no.  So I asked him out.  The wait was excruciating but wait I had to.  Eventually I got the reply, I didn't want to read the text, I didn't want to know.  I didn't want my fears to be confirmed.  My friend made me read the reply.  It was as I feared.  He said no.

S and I will never get together, regardless how much I want it, regardless how much I play stuff out in my mind, he will never be mine and I will never be his.  He just doesn't feel that way for me.  That's fine.  I can't force him to like me or blackmail him into it.  I don't want him to hate me.  I hope in time we'll get our rhythm back.  I don't know if we've deliberately giving each other space but for two days now, since the whole text thing we've not seen each other, but we know we're both in.  I have been trying to put on a brave face, as if everything is normal.  I don't want him to see me hurting.  I have almost burst into tears four times today. I hurt so much, I never imagined I would feel this way.  I didn't think anyone could effect me like S has effected me, but here it is.  The hurt and the pain is so real.  I feel as though part of me has died.

I want him so much but I know that he will never be mine.  I have to put him in a box and lock him away.  I just thought that maybe... just maybe.... I could have my dream this time.