tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-93769282012-02-17T17:52:09.943ZI needed somewhere to spill my guts deeper than I can else where.CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.comBlogger821100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-54681730842108888472011-12-13T21:48:00.000Z2011-12-13T21:48:07.711Z

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feelLike you're less than, less than perfect.Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feelLike you're nothing you're fucking perfect to me.Fucking Perfect: Pink So it's been a while since I've last posted and my God a lot's changed.  Shortly after losing my job and my home, I moved back in with Mam.  It was tough to begin with but we've made it work,

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-33714710236290441062011-03-15T00:28:00.000Z2011-03-15T00:28:22.152Z

I've had a swollen and very painful right breast for a few months today, when the pain got too bad I went to the doctors.  Today I had my appointment at the breast care clinic. It all came back clear, I have a fatty deposit which is causing pain.  I have to take evening primrose for the next few months. However, is it bad that I wish I had been told I had cancer.  I want to give up, but I don't

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-3140355261114543152011-02-15T14:56:00.002Z2011-02-15T23:20:44.755Z

Well I've well and truly done it this time.  I've lost my job.  With this job though it also means I lose my home. I'm moving back in with my mother. I feel the depression coming back and have no idea how to stop it.  I'm not strong enough, not this time. I have nothing to fight for. I'm lost.

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-51156333529696857442011-01-24T20:57:00.000Z2011-01-24T20:57:23.311Z

 "I could hurt someone like me, Out of spite or jealousy. I don't steal and I don't lie, But I can feel and I can cry. A fact I'll bet you never knew. But to cry in front of you, That's the worse thing I could do."There Are Worse Things I Can Do: Grease Prayer in community has be really hard for me for quite a while.  However, after months of discussion and a doctors visit (!), things are

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-278520151519855042011-01-20T23:01:00.000Z2011-01-20T23:01:11.034Z

"Memory All alone in the moonlight I can smile at the old days I was beautiful then I remember the time I knew what happiness was Let the memory live again"Memory: Cats Music is the most powerful form of communication, in my opinion.  Music can make me cry, it can make me happy, it can echo my feelings as if I wrote it.  It's helped me through great pains in my life.  It's celebrated with me

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-69042436334304210202011-01-09T19:45:00.000Z2011-01-09T19:45:09.921Z

I don't want to feel anything today (I don't want to feel anything today) Anything at all and just be alone (I just want to know that you want to know) I don't want to live through another day (I don't want to live through another day) Meaningless to fight for the victory I just want to dive in the heart of misery One love, One life, Locked me in the heart of misery One loss, one fight, Locked

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-35912261023355178492010-12-30T01:14:00.000Z2010-12-30T01:14:30.401Z

Here is some new year fun.  As we come to the end of 2010 and begin 2011, have a go at working out what songs are in this passage of text, and if you can tell me who sang them! A new billboard went up the other day, it was all about change, the tag line said 'Come with us, run with us, we're gonna change the world, you'll be amazed, so full of praise when we've re-arrange your world.  We're

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-84544279652248656772010-11-26T18:52:00.000Z2010-11-26T18:52:57.540Z

We've had an emotional day in community today.  One of our team members left, and it's brought on a lot of tears by people, baring me.  I haven't cried once.  In fact I don't feel anything.  It's part of life that people come and go. I accept that so I feel nothing, however I have made some flippant comments that have upset a number of people on community.  I have been more flippant that I would

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-53441714751174049442010-11-21T18:14:00.000Z2010-11-21T18:14:53.799Z

I suspect that last night has become the beginning of the end for me.  Last night I did something I am not proud of, but still it was something that I needed to do.  Last night I started to cry, I don't know what brought the tears, but they came from the depth of my soul.  They came from a place where the darkness lives.  I cried like I haven't done in a very long time.  Tears of pain, tears of

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-79234461718343580832010-11-01T22:55:00.000Z2010-11-01T22:55:04.547Z

Those who have joined me on this blog from blog city, might have noticed that with my blogs now I try and include part or all of a song which speaks to me and about the subject in hand.  However for this entry I wish to do something slightly different.  I was to share a youtube video. Robert Shaw It's a canny few small films joined to make a larger film.  However I am going to to share with

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-44366011292250849812010-10-30T15:00:00.000+01:002010-10-30T15:00:56.868+01:00

How stupid could I be A simpleton could see That you're no good for me But you're the only one I see Stupid: Sarah McLachlan So I'm not exactly proud of myself, but at the same time I am.  I haven't been coping at all well lately and I know that.  However, last night I drank a fair bit and I took three of my painkillers.  Not enough for me to get completely off my face but just enough that I

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-30852520622870703422010-10-29T21:47:00.000+01:002010-10-29T21:47:16.672+01:00

So doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me something?A day in the life of someone else'Cause I'm a hazard to myselfDon't le me get meI'm my own worst enemyIt's bad when you annoy yourselfSo irritatingDon't wanna be my friend no moreI wanna be somebody else.Pink: Don't let me get me! I have had some fun today.  I went to the doctors today to see if I can get a diagnosis of hyperactivity, ADD

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-35657657778437131502010-10-27T01:12:00.001+01:002010-10-27T01:12:42.135+01:00

"I may seem crazy Or painfully shy And these scars wouldn't be so hidden If you would just look me in the eye I feel alone here and cold here Though I don't want to die But the only anaesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside."Cut: Plumb As part of my new job I must sit though half hour to an hour of silent prayer.  Anyone who has known me since my birth knows that trying to sit still

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-76107748461070087752010-09-25T22:41:00.001+01:002010-09-25T22:42:24.781+01:00

I look into the window of my mind Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind I step out of the ordinary, I can feel my soul ascending I am on my way, can't stop me now and you can do the same What have you done today to make you feel proud? It's never too late to try What have you done today to make you feel proud? You could be so many people if you make that break for freedom What have

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-53984486824771016212010-09-19T21:00:00.000+01:002010-09-19T21:00:19.169+01:00

There is this little bikers place down the road, that runs as a cafe during the day but an 25 and overs pub during the night.  It looks seedy and I've always been warned off it.  However when I saw a sign that said that there would be karaoke on Friday night, I put a notice up for the community and we went down there.  We were a little hesitant  on walking in, but I took the lead and just went

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-46369049130749296852010-09-05T11:34:00.001+01:002010-09-19T21:01:02.586+01:00

I had a review yesterday of my performance in my two weeks in my new job.  It wasn't good.  They don't like the fact I know my limitations and will voice something I know, from experience I can't do.  However they want me to ignore all of this and attempt to see through my limitations and go a head and do these things anyway.  It's crazy.  It's not like they've even asked me, they just demand it.

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-56951978683309740302010-08-16T07:15:00.002+01:002010-09-19T21:01:50.041+01:00

Anyone who has been reading my blog for many years when it started over at blog-city, knows that for a number of reasons, one of which is my dyslexia, is that I do not handle change very well. Over the past eighteen months I have had a lot of change, I changed jobs twice, I've moved three times.... it's been quite a ride.  I had hoped that when I moved into my current house and started my

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-32521392946064610992010-08-05T00:08:00.000+01:002010-08-05T00:08:41.221+01:00

I have another blog and it's based over at Blog-City, but it's closing down.  I've been there for eight years but now it's not to be. So since I already have this blog up and running I'm going to keep this as my main blog, and let blog-city just disappear.  However what I have to do over the next 18 months is get a copy of my blog as I don't want to loose all my post.  It's a long old hall.

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-9237335819696241692008-11-17T16:49:00.002Z2008-11-17T17:13:42.276Z

My insomnia is slowly passing, very slowly and occasionally I manage to actually sleep for more than an hour or two. On those nights I dream, except they are not dreams, they are memories. Memories of nights where I took 'The Concoction'. It was going okay because I didn't do much. I would just lay on my bed with a film going or a TV show playing, but there was one night where S saw me in

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-92152870536895842502008-08-17T23:05:00.002+01:002008-08-17T23:16:19.450+01:00

I'm freaking out a little. I'm so desperate for S, and my feelings for him are so intense and I don't know what to do with it that. I dream about him, I ache for him. I have never felt this way about anyone like this ever. I even wonder what it would be like to sleep with him. He is the only guy I have honestly and truly imagined myself sleeping with.So with all this going on and being so

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-13507016415772242172008-07-22T00:55:00.000+01:002008-07-22T01:04:01.715+01:00

So I went for a job interview today. Didn't think I did all that well. Imagine my surprise when they offered me the job!I don't know if I will take the job or not as I really want to talk to my CPN about where I will stand on wating lists and the such. I'm not sure I can handle everything from scratch! I have until Wednesday to make a decision. I just hope it's the right one!

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-88884494626324362732008-07-17T22:00:00.002+01:002008-07-17T22:18:25.803+01:00

So since my break down the other week I've been okay. I've not cut and I've not taken the Concoction. I've been sleeping naturally, and I've been feeling positive. Then yesterday happened. I had a team day at work and they did some of 'the heartstyles'. I didn't cope with it. It really brought me down and now I'm struggling to keep it together. Really struggling. I want my razor, but I

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-12496407814439065842008-06-23T23:07:00.002+01:002008-06-24T09:09:04.495+01:00

I had a fantastic session with my CPN last Thursday. Usually I just sit there, vaguely talking about things, he gets me to think a little but we don't really do anything much. That all changed this week. Changed completely.I sat there and talked about my concoction that I take. We talked about how dangerous it is, the damage I could be doing to myself. We also talked about the possibility

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-54174404662521588252008-06-12T12:44:00.002+01:002008-06-12T12:51:03.262+01:00

I have found myself planning my time around the best time for me to get 'stoned' on my little concoction... even though last Friday I got it wrong and I became very ill and remember very little I still want it, I want to be that way again. I'm trying to plan the best time to do it, when The Boys are out, when I don't have to get up early the next day, trying to find the best time to do it so I

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-37993597688286302232008-06-08T18:52:00.004+01:002008-06-09T14:25:40.627+01:00

Friday night wasn't good for me and I don't know why. I had an exceptionally good week at work, the most positive I've had in many a month in fact. Still I did my thing except I did it wrong. I got the combination wrong. I got to the point I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk. Had I found someone in that state I would have called for an ambulance but I hid out, I stayed in my room. I think I

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-51819780417353884082008-05-03T16:35:00.003+01:002008-06-09T14:34:26.228+01:00

"The past is done It's gone forever is done Don't tell me my pain is pleasure You, you haven't got a clue Oh, I wanna cry but I don't make a sound I'm your child and your child is feeling down Everybodys toxic in this town" Robbie Williams: ToxicI know I shouldn't have done it, but I'm just feeling so bad! I've not talked to anyone in over 30 hours. I've not seen anyone within 30 hours. I've

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1871097415335508492008-05-01T00:22:00.002+01:002008-05-01T00:29:03.195+01:00

"This is the way you left meI'm not pretendingNo hope no love no gloryNo happy endingThis is the way that we loveLike it's forever And live the rest of our livesbut not together"Happy Ending: MikaI know that he doesn't like me in a romantic way. I am thankful that we are still friends and that we can still spend time together. I would like my feelings to stop and for the day dreams to end. I

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-22946900230401053042008-04-06T20:03:00.003+01:002008-04-06T20:19:56.557+01:00

It seemed to be like the perfect thing for you and meIt's so ironic you're what I pictured you to beBut there are facts in our lives we can never changeJust tell me that you understand and feel the sameThis perfect romance that I've created in my mindI'd live a thousand lives each one with you right by my sideBut yet we find ourselves in a less than perfect circumstanceAnd so it seems like we'll

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-8529402079205947432008-03-28T12:25:00.004Z2008-03-28T13:30:02.087Z

I've cut again. I don't understand why I've not come up. I know Tuesday night was tough for me, and I cut. Usually for a few days after I start coming up and by now I should be back to my 'normal' (which you must understand is not that high). I cried Wednesday and I cried and cut again last night.I tried to text someone to ask for help but I never sent it, it's still in my drafts folder on my

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-51773213830286868672008-03-26T18:19:00.003Z2008-03-26T19:44:11.338Z

I just couldn't deal with it. He made me feel so bad, I couldn't handle the feelings that were washing over me. He came up near the end of the session and started verbally attacking me, my volunteers and the work we are doing. I barely held it together, one of my volunteers ran off in tears. I got to the end of my street before the tears started falling. I kept it quiet as I walked up the

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-5503687910476017962008-03-24T23:24:00.003Z2008-06-09T14:33:27.626+01:00

I've been trying to work out what my triggers are. On the whole I never feel that great, I just permanently feel down. Then there are some days that for what ever reason I start crying and then out of those days there are the days I self harm.I'm trying to work out what it is about those days I self harm where I get to the point I want to do that.

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-40062364009514810222008-03-19T17:38:00.002Z2008-03-19T18:22:01.244Z

Fuck this hurts, I won't lieDoesn't matter how hard I try Half the words don't mean a thingAnd I know that I wont be satisfied I've opened up these scarsI'll make you face this I bleed it out digging deeper Just to throw it awayExtracts from Bleed It Out: Linkin ParkI told my flatmates about what happened last weekend. S looked scared and then just looked at me with pity in his eyes. I know

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-18291644106698629532008-03-16T16:54:00.009Z2008-03-16T18:38:11.878Z

I'm not a strangerNo I am yoursWith crippled angerAnd tears that still drip soreA fragile flame agedIs miseryAnd when our hearts meetI know you seeI do not want to be afraidI do not want to die inside just to breathe inI'm tired of feeling so numbRelief exists I find it whenI am cutI may seem crazyOr painfully shyAnd these scars wouldn't be so hiddenIf you would just look me in the eyeI feel

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-23796616829779252202008-03-14T21:49:00.003Z2008-03-14T22:42:13.574Z

"cryin', "Love me, love me, do!"Because I'm heart over headover heart over head over you.Too late to stop it now.I'm heart over headover heart over head over you."Bette Middler: Heart over head!So I've decided that I need to do something about my feelings for S. I need to get them out there and he needs to know. I need the now from him so I can start getting over him and moving on with my life.

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-52080845658389022242008-03-12T22:04:00.003Z2008-03-12T22:27:27.484Z

"Doing all I can do just to be close to youEvery time that we meet I skip a heartbeatAlways up for a laugh, she's a pain in the assEvery time that we meet I skip a heartbeat"Scouting for girls: HeartbeatRegardless how hard I can try I can't get S out of my system. I joined an online dating site but every time I see someone I compare them to S. When I ever I meet any guy I compare them with S.

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-77541749503336499842008-03-05T18:22:00.004Z2008-03-16T18:39:38.443Z

"Doctor, doctor wont you please prescribe me somethin'A day in the life of someone else? Cuz I'm a hazard to myselfDon't let me get meI'm my own worst enemyIt's bad when you annoy yourselfSo irritatingDon't wanna be my friend no moreI wanna be somebody else" Pink: Don't let me get me.... actually that's a bit of a lie. I know exactly what I

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-82597165670715696712008-02-23T21:44:00.006Z2008-03-16T18:40:45.000Z

I don't want to feel anything today (I don't want to feel anything today) Anything at all and just be alone (I just want to know that you want to know) I don't want to live through another day (I don't want to live through another day) Meaningless to fight for the victory I just want to dive in the heart of misery One love, One life Locked me in the heart of misery One loss, one fight Locked me

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1343270888662210422008-02-16T23:42:00.003Z2008-02-17T11:32:36.479Z

I know I haven't said much about this, and in fact most of me talking about it has happened on my other blog. But with what came up at my meeting last Tuesday, I don't feel I can write over there, or tell anyone. If someone, who knows I went, asks me about it I just tell them everything was 'fine'. The really answer to that question is not fine, in fact it's the complete opposite. My head is

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-54285630485501875912008-02-14T13:04:00.003Z2008-02-17T11:33:20.279Z

I think I did a really stupid thing. I sent my flatmate an anonymous valentines card. I got someone else to write it, and post it so it wasn't my handwriting and it wasn't with a local postmark.Part of me wants him to work out it was from me, but part of me wishes I never had the idea and that I never sent it. It didn't turn up today, which means it'll probably turn up tomorrow.I think it has

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-47346460423074002552008-01-14T15:29:00.001Z2008-01-14T15:48:30.614Z

I have had crushes in the past, I have felt things for guys in the past. That I can not deny. Yes, each time they have been unrequited and it's annoyed me. However this time it's so different. I don't know if it's because I know him so well, or because I spend a lot of time with him or this is the real deal, but I have such strong feelings for him. I look at him and I just want him to put his

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-70549984964580258962008-01-04T15:36:00.001Z2008-02-17T11:33:45.962Z

I don't like to use the Love word. I think it gets used to much in life when people don't really mean it or people don't really understand what it means, not to it's fullest.I have never been in Love, I have never had (other than family) a loving relationship where the person I am with loves me back, I have never been touched by a man (other than kissing). The thought of being with someone so

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-69489225421187553462008-01-02T21:50:00.000Z2008-01-14T15:51:30.546Z

2007 was spectacularly shit, I actually took up cutting and it was like meeting an old friend I hadn't seen in along time. I know that this friend could get me into a lot of trouble, but I had forgotten (not completely) how this old friend makes me feel better and helps me to cope when things are not going so well. This is the only way I cope with the shite that life threw at me last year.

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-9169319115245003022007-05-01T21:41:00.000+01:002008-01-14T15:51:49.888Z

I tried, I really did. I tried so hard to find the positives in my life. I want to be a positive person, I want to try and enjoy life, I want to not dwell on the shitty things that happen. I want to be normal. I know that life will always have it's ups and downs but I want to enjoy my ups and not worry so about the downs.I really did try but it wasn't to be. My asthma is playing up, I've

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1168865100173910052007-01-15T11:20:00.000Z2008-01-14T15:52:00.745Z

Regardless how hard I try to stay on top of things.... it just never works out that way. I have worked so hard over the years to deal with my depression, to stop the overdosing and to stop cutting. A few months ago when I found myself almost cutting again I went to the doctors to seek help, I talked to my manager about it. I had taken so many leaps forward and was really impressed and proud of

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1167609736697029882006-12-31T23:50:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:48:29.901Z

It's no secret that I find life hard, I have my ups and I have my downs. A comment happened today and it really got to me, got to me a lot more than it should have.  My mother was asked about being a grandmother.  My mother said it was unlikely that she would ever be a grandmother.  My sister apparently doesn't want kids, and me well it'll be a miricle if I ever get a guy.  It wasn't said like

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1165507912728065612006-12-07T13:54:00.000Z2008-01-14T15:52:37.191Z

I know I don't post here often, but then again I feel most of the time I don't need to post here. On the whole I can post on my normal blog and everything is fine, but for some reason I can't post everything I want to post on that blog. I think it's because I've let too many people who *know* me know of this blog, and I can't post what I want to post there.As a result this blog has tended to be 

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1151848326182603082006-07-02T14:46:00.000+01:002008-01-14T15:52:49.509Z

God it felt good.To feel the scissors over my skin, pushing down, feeling the pain going through. Unfortunatly they were to blunt to cut.I miss it, I crave it, I hate it, it scares me.Can I really go back there? Is there somewhere I want to be? Can I do that to myself?Someone please make it okay again.

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1147796646908312322006-05-16T17:07:00.000+01:002008-01-14T15:53:23.045Z

My last post was very negative, very honest but still very nagative. My manager adn I did go out for the drink and I talked, and I mean I really talked about what was going on in my head about work and about my co-worker. We really talked, I cried, she cried but we both really appreciated having each other there. Last week I had to finnish the apraisal with my manager's manager, and I have to

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1144671718551131282006-04-10T13:11:00.000+01:002008-01-14T15:53:31.482Z

I've never found having depression easy, and people who know me know that I have struggled with it for a very long time. Sometimes I cope with it, but sometimes I don't, and when things get bad, they really get bad. Touch wood I've not self harm for over a year. I'm really impressed by that.My co-worker is suffereing from depression and he was talking about it so I told him a little about mine

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1140791144006280042006-02-24T14:09:00.000Z2008-01-14T15:54:10.477Z

Lately everything I come accross just seams to piss me off, and I don't understand why. I'm always angry and I can cope until night. Night's always been the hardest part for me though. I want to be able to go to bed relaxed, and not angry and not thinking about....... stuff.The one thing that stops me doing anything is my mother. I still live with her and I would hate it if she saw what I do

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1133273834835450672005-11-29T14:08:00.000Z2008-01-14T15:54:35.801Z

Runaway Train by Soul Asylum Call you up in the middle of the night Like a firefly without a light You were there like a slow torch burning I was a key that could use a little turning So tired that I couldn't even sleep So many secrets I couldn't keep Promised myself I wouldn't weep One more promise I couldn't keep It seems no one can help me now I'm in too deep

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1126081586608863472005-09-07T09:23:00.001+01:002008-02-17T11:34:13.601Z

I have two blogs. This is because too many people I know read my other one and I didn't feel I could write on it any more, well write about issues that were annoying me, so I created this one.The thing is my life took a turn for the better, as a result having this second site annoys me. I don't have enough material for the two, so I'm going to let this one slide until things get bad again and I

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1125056022144196592005-08-26T12:29:00.000+01:002008-01-14T15:59:08.660Z

I had another one of my dreams last night. It felt so real. It's insane how I want this to happen to me. This can not be normal. I can still feel and remember the entire thing in detail. These dreams are dreams that I alway's remember in detail. Other dreams fade, but not these. These dreams awake something up inside of me. Make me feel real. Isn't it insane the way that for me to feel

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1123231460418344302005-08-05T09:39:00.000+01:002008-01-14T15:55:00.696Z

Things are going okay. My parish priest has gone away for a while and hopfully this will mean that my mother will relax a wee bit and will manage to climb the ever increasing mountain of paper work that appears on her desk. With the priest being so ill, mam has found it hard to get any work done, he wants things read to him (since his eye sight is shot), he wants the know what's going on so Mam

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1120855090454646342005-07-08T21:26:00.001+01:002008-02-17T11:35:43.672Z

I have to appoligise for the state of this post, but I have had almost half a bottle of wine on an empty stomach.Before you read on there are two facts you need to know:1. I have been taking St. John's wart for te past couple of days2. You shouldn't drink while on this stuff.Appoligise here and now in advance, I'm going to regret this in the moringl.OUr parish priest was taken ill into hospital

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1120598938130256732005-07-05T22:22:00.001+01:002008-02-17T11:36:31.798Z

Once again my past came and haunted me. There was a girl there who I used to go to school with. She was a year younger than me. Now we got on very well, but she alway's had this 'holyer than thou' complex about her. I don't think she meant anything by it, but her mother was always the same. I think part of it was that this girl came from a well to do background, private schooling, only

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1119960248490808552005-06-28T12:59:00.000+01:002008-01-14T15:55:00.696Z

I've had problems sleeping over the past week or so, not because I'm awake but because I was fretting over the test results. It really doesn't bother me what ever would be wrong, weather it's my kidneys, liver, thyroid or iron levels. None of it bothered me, I knew I could deal with it. What made me frett was the fact if it was my liver or my kidney, chances were I caused the damage with all

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1118931562346316822005-06-16T15:09:00.000+01:002008-01-14T15:58:19.859Z

I have had these marks on my breast area for some time, and a few months ago I went to the doctor to have them sussed out. I was scared they were cancer. She didn't know what they were and told me to go without a bra as often as I can. So I did. Over the last month two of these marks have changed colour and shape. I got a wee bit concerned all over again. So I went to the doctors this

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1117550532446572882005-05-31T15:31:00.001+01:002008-02-17T11:37:19.877Z

Self esteem is a funny old thing. At the weekend our music group played at a very special mass, it was the first holy communion mass. So many people can up to me saying how fantastic the music was, how much they enjoyed it, how it was really suitable for the day. I was happy, embaressed by happy. I felt so high I felt I could fly. I was really glad it was enjoyed by all. Then it happened,

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1115817748718967702005-05-11T14:09:00.001+01:002008-02-17T11:39:25.449Z

I feel so alone in the world. Granted it's my fault, I'm the one who's fucked, I'm the one who's afraid of getting too close to people, who keeps backing away but equally people let me. I've mentioned this before but I am afraid of change, I'm afraid of new situations. It so my own fault I've become a loaner because my fear of new situation is cippling me. I love going to the cinema with people I

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1114695852516661582005-04-28T14:00:00.000+01:002008-01-14T15:55:00.697Z

I have to admit that things just don't seam to be getting better, but on the other hand things are not getting worse so that's something to hold on to. The weather at the moment is so erratic it's unreal. Within one hour almost you'll have torrenting rain, brilliant sunshine, strong winds and calm breezes. Even the temperature isn't constant. I am currently wearing a string top along with a

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1113232764455011072005-04-11T16:08:00.000+01:002008-02-17T11:46:18.699Z

Today for the first time in what feels like forever the sun has come out. The sky has become blue, a few white clouds out, a true spring day. There's still a slight chill in the air though. Not really supprising as we had snow over there weekend, yes you read that right my dear readers, snow.. in April. I always pick up when the sun is shining. The more the sun shines, the hotter the

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1112874372687987712005-04-07T12:33:00.000+01:002008-02-17T11:46:18.700Z

I hate this. I want to cry all the time. If I stop the noise for one moment, my eyes well up, and I can feel myself on the verge of crying hysterically. I think if I start crying now I won't ever stop. I think I would have a break down and that I would end up instratutionallised. That's the last thing I want. I've been threatened with sectioning once before. I don't want to do there again.I know

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1112614910407628802005-04-04T12:31:00.000+01:002008-02-17T11:46:18.700Z

It's all gone to shit. I handed in my report, people looked at it and it went down like a lead balloon. I tried so hard at it, but like all things acedemic/written I suck at it. I knew I shouldn't have undertaken this report, but I decided that I should take it so that I can prove to myself that I'm not a failer. I've only added to that feeling. I've been given another six months to allow

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1109602019202218032005-02-28T14:44:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:49:14.389Z

A few weeks back I started to write a peice of fiction. At the moment I've called it the escape. I'm still working on it as this peice wanted to be handwritten, I've got to type it up and add more to it. But here is a small extract.Scene setting: Suzi's a bitch. Mandy feels picked on I've had it now. I pick up one of the mugs I've just placed on the table nad throw it at her. It only just

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1109276940242022202005-02-24T20:28:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:48:49.361Z

When Jonathan Brandis died back in 2003, I was deeply, deeply affect. It was something I could never explain. I just was. Last night I had a dream about him. I remember it so vividly. I remember his smell, his touch, his voice, his eyes, even now as I remember the dream and write it here I smile. I wish I could say it was a happy dream, but it wasn't. I found him hanging. By a tree near a

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1108989164005440722005-02-21T12:32:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:47:06.285Z

I am feeling better. I spent the entire weekend in bed, having many, many hot baths. Hot lemony drinks, ODing on vitimin and mineral tablets. Eating so much fruit it was un heard off.Unfortunalty though I did not manage to go up to see my sister. Apparently all the approriate "aww" "hope she feels better soon" was made and then they went out to lunch.I'm having half day at work today, and seeing

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1108892029809432012005-02-20T09:32:00.000Z2008-01-14T15:58:19.860Z

I appoligise that I've not posted sooner, but I have had flu. I'm awake for an hour then sleep three. The worse part is that I'm meant to be visiting my sister today. But I really don't think I'm up to it.As soon as I'm awake for more than an hour, I will post, I promise.

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1107872044676840532005-02-11T21:13:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:46:18.701Z

Before I get started can I just say how disppointed I am in the 25 songs. Only one person had a go. Gee, usless the lot of ya!So a couple months back I wrote this. I still can't being myself to tell you all what it is I want to bad, but I promise you it is not self-harming. It's not taking my own life. I found a website that was dedicated to images of what I want happening to me. Through those

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1107271271654171372005-02-01T15:17:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:50:19.762Z

Was absoluly frelling brilliant! The retreat was a complete sucess. People want more. I'm hoping for our second retreat in six months, give or take. The guy I got stressed out over, didn't come. I have never prayed so hard, or been so thankful for anything in my entire life. I keep thanking God for this guy not coming. Although I'm sure God wants him to come back to church, I just

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1106903108870008112005-01-28T08:56:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:46:18.701Z

When I was still at school, I used to have some fun with the boys, teasing them, play fighting etc on the way to school. One fateful day, Guy 1 had a magazine with a plastic cover which Guy 2 nicked and put down my back. I retrieved it from my back and put it down Guy 2 back. Guy 3 then grabbed my arm, while still down guy 2 back. I asked him to let go as he was hurting me. Instead he squeezed

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1106130790938670562005-01-19T09:42:00.000Z2008-01-14T15:57:40.205Z

A friend got me thinking about dress size. So here's my rant and outlook on it. I used to be a UK dress size of 22, proberbly closer to 23. This is BIG. I hated school and hid in chocolate, hence the massive weight gain. Up until that point I was a fairly small lass, as I was hyper active so gaining weight was hard for me. Keeping it off was easy. The secondary school happened. I hated it and

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1105370505413433512005-01-10T15:15:00.000Z2008-01-14T15:56:07.643Z

I've had a lot of people ask me lately if I'm ever going to settle down. I mean I'm 24. I don't feel ready to settle down, not with a partner anyway. The problem comes though is that I've not dated since I was 18. Everytime I feel I'm getting to close to someone I back off. I have done a lot of reflection about this. I am afraid of relationships. I can not keep friendships. I get myself

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1104523194166259342004-12-31T19:54:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:48:29.901Z

"Ready Or Not, Here it Come, You Can't Hide It's gonna Find You and Take you Slowly Ready Or Not, Here it Come, You Can't Hide Gonna Find You and Make you want it." Well it's that time of year again, are you ready to face yet another year. Will this year be any different from the last? Can next year really get any worse? Will dreams become reality? No one knows the answers to these questions,

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1104351817055349472004-12-29T20:11:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:50:55.243Z

As a child Christmas is special. It's the most fantastic time of year. A time when anything could happen. All wishes come true. There is even something in the air. You truely believe that on Christmas eve, nothing can go wrong. Everything is special. This magic is only increased as you watch those christmas films, where very special things happen. There is one such film called "The

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1103628077753650142004-12-21T11:18:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:48:29.901Z

To all those who have been reading, or have read, and perhaps won't ever come back. I hope you have a merry christmas and a happy new year. I don't blog here often, but hopefully in the new year I will blog more, and it'll be more up beat. Who knows..... Merry Christmas.

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1103106571828426782004-12-15T10:20:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:53:00.977Z

There is something I want to happen to me, the problem is that I know it's wrong. but I think about it day and night, I can almost feel it. I want it to happen so much that I hurt. I feel the need within in every bone in my body, my soul yearns for it. I pray day after day for it to happen, but it never comes. I dream about it, visualise it in my mine, but it is never to be. It is wrong that I

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1102942613097116642004-12-13T13:51:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:47:06.285Z

I have this illness called Asthma, and although I try very hard for it not to rule my life. It does. I'm kidding myself if I say it doesn't. I fight very hard for it not to rule my life but if does. I hate asthma. The other day I went to the cinema to see a film, just over two and a half hours long, towards the end though I really had to pee. As I walked out the cinema I cought someone's

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1102586000792632782004-12-09T09:45:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:46:18.702Z

I'm in such a strange place at the moment, I'm happy but I'm not. I don't understand. There is nothing wrong with my life, not really. I'm perhaps on the lonely side, but that's it. I have a job, I have money, I have a job, I have a roof over my head. What else do I need? And yet there is something nagging at me. Pulling me down! I'm not crying, which is a good sign, but I struggle to

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1101916055163866232004-12-01T15:39:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:46:18.703Z

Sometimes I think that depression is just something I encourage within myself because I can, and because I don't want to think about anything. But other times it controls me and nothing I can do can bring me out of the blankness that invades my soul. So my question is.. Is depression self inflicted or a disease? I don't think there is an answer to this, only more questions, different views.

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1101808708160699162004-11-30T09:53:00.000Z2008-02-17T11:46:18.703Z

I recently found myself cutting again after nine months of being clean. I had, had a really bad night, and a worse day, I was washing up and saw a knife. So I cut the palm of my hand just to see what it felt like. It felt good. I stopped then as someone walked into the office. So I only have one small cut. Which no one can see. But the fact remains that nine months of being clean, I cut.

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9376928.post-1101744193205355292004-11-29T15:57:00.000Z2004-11-29T16:03:13.516Z

Hi Guys I should introduce myself, I'm CareForMeNot (CfMn for short). I'm here because for one reason or another, I have no where to express my feelings. Not my real feelings. Everywhere I go I draw friends, which I don't mind, but this does mean that I can't be honest around them. So as a result I've decided that I needed to start again. So this is my blog, my feelings, and no one is going to

CfMnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17403432469834274392noreply@blogger.com0